2012年7月21日土曜日

Life with Chinami: the first week 智七海と最初の一週間













postpartum tummy!


Today Chinami is one week old! And I have been a mommy for one week! Everything has been going great, maybe even too great!
Between eating well, taking the placenta pills, and taking small naps with Chinami, my recovery has been great! It's only been a week but I am ready to put her in a sling and walk here and there! But my midwife and doula warned me to take it easy, because it is possible to get worse after getting better, and I have someone to look after now.

Breastfeeding has been as easy and textbook as my pregnancy. Latch her on after birth, latch her on whenever she shows signs of being hungry (not just crying) and then my milk came in on the 3rd day and she is always satisfied after a nursing session, and I can even hand express a little bit! I think my placenta capsules, brewer's yeast powder, and mother's milk tea help things along as well.

At night, I can nurse her while laying down in my bed, because she sleeps with us! This was a no-brainer because in Japan cosleeping is perfectly normal, and doesn't kill babies like certain American media might try and tell you. Breastfeeding and cosleeping together actually dramatically reduce the chance of SIDS.

And if Chinami cries or is a little bit fussy after feeding and changing her nappy, Yasushi or I simply hold her close, give her kisses and tell her we love her and she falls asleep with a smile on her face.

Every time I look at Chinami, I'm reminded of all my love for her, and everything I have done and will do for her.

I've already started to compile a little photo album, with ultrasound pics, first footprint, umbilical cord, etc. And I'm reminded of how my own mother said she had thrown everything of mine away, and was glad to. When I went home, I took my own baby book out of storage and looked at it. It was in the guest room when we left. To think that she can throw it out and be happy with herself disgusts me to no end. And I question the character of anyone who can still remain friends with someone who would say in one breath that her daughter has a mental illness, and in the next brag about discarding her. And my father still believes that I am in the wrong, that she is the real victim, poor her, being abused by her mother, trying her best to raise me but accidentally abusing me, suffering from depression, and having me "publicly humiliate her" maliciously. He took part in destroying my self-confidence by constantly telling me how horrible and stupid I and my friends were and how I had no talent, and my dreams of being a teacher so I could inspire children were just great because those who can't do, teach.

In all the emails, he never hinted that they might have been wrong. He never apologized. Just tried to put all the blame on me, while saying I "have a right to feel how I do" but implying that he was not wrong.
And then a few days ago I got an email from him. As if everything had magically disappeared, it was just a dream, they were perfect parents all along and I never cried myself to sleep at night wondering why they hated me so much.....
The mail simply read "How are you? The baby must be coming at any moment. Please let me know."
Fuck you. 



今日でちなみは生後一週間です!!そして私もママになって1週間です!
全部上手く行ってます!良すぎるかもしれない!!
ちゃんと食べて、胎盤のカプセルを飲んで、ちなみと一緒に昼寝したりすることで、回復も順調です!たった一週間しか経ってないのにもうスリングに入れて散歩したいです!でも助産婦とドゥーラーに良くなったと思ってもまた悪化することもあるし、お世話しなきゃいけない人もいるから、ほどほどにしてって言われました。

授乳は妊娠と同じく、順調で楽です!出産後は吸わせて、お腹空いたかなと思ったら吸わせて、そして三日後に母乳が出ました!ちなみはおっぱいを飲んでからいつも満足そうな顔してるし、手でしぼっても出ます!胎盤のカプセルとビール酵母とハーブティーの効果もあるかな?

夜になったらちなみは一緒に寝るからベッドで横になったまま授乳できます!これは日本では普通なことなので、悩まずに決められたんです。アメリカでは赤ちゃんは大人と寝ると死ぬ、という噂などありますけど、本当は母乳と一緒に寝ることって、赤ちゃんを守ります。

そしておっぱいあげても、オムツ変えてもちなみが泣いてしまう時は、やすしか私が抱っこして、チュして愛してるよと言えば、ちなみはニコッとして寝てくれます。

ちなみを見る度に愛を思い出す、そして今までちなみのためにしたこと、これからすることも頭に浮かぶ。

エコーの写真、足形、へその緒などが入ってるアルバムを作ってます。そして自分の母が私の物全部捨てて嬉しかったって言ったの思い出しました。実家に帰ってた時、自分の赤ちゃんの時のアルバムを押し入れからだして、見て、私たちが寝てた部屋において行きました。。母はそれも捨てて喜ぶなんて最低です。そして娘が病気と言い、娘を捨てたと同時に言う人と友達でいられる人の性格も本当に疑います。そして父はまだ私が間違ってると信じてるみたいです。母が可哀想、自分の母に暴力されて、できるだけよく私を育てようとして、そして鬱になってしまって、そして娘の私にブログで恥かけられて。。。そして父は私と友達が最悪、馬鹿だ、才能がない、と言い続けて自信を壊して、私が子供にやる気を与えたくて先生になりたいと言ったら先生は才能ない人多いからいいんじゃないと言いました。

そして父のメールでは両親は間違ってる可能性なんてあり得ないみたいな態度してます。しかも、謝らないんです。私のせいにして、私の気持ちは自由だなどと言ってます。
そして数日前にまたメールきました。何もなかったみたいに。。。全部が夢で、両親が本当は完璧で、私はどうして両親に嫌われてるのって眠りにつくまで泣いた事もないような。。。
メールの内容は「元気?赤ちゃんもうすぐだね。産まれたら教えてね。」
くそったれ。教えるもんか。



1 件のコメント:

  1. Chinami looks so cute! Congrats to you and your husband :) I'm glad your weeks as a mom are going smoothly.

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