Thanksgiving - Reconnecting with family

Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

I had a healthy pregnancy and gave birth naturally to my beautiful daughter Chinami. 

I was able to come back to Hawaii and reconnect with a lot of friends and make many new ones as well. 

And most of all, I feel thankful that I have a loving family who cares about me. 

...

No, not them. 

...
When I was with my "parents" for last Thanksgiving, I also saw the other part of my family, whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years. It was the part of the family that wasn't related to my "mother"; my paternal grandparents, my aunt, uncle, and three cousins.
Since we lived abroad when I was a child I almost never got to see them, and when we moved back to America I saw them from time to time, as they lived in the same small town as we did.

My grandmother would take me to high school football games, along with my aunt and cousin who was just a baby then. I was in middle school at the time and would be going to that high school in the following years, and it was the same high school my "father" and his siblings went to, and the same school my oldest cousin is going to now. She enjoyed sharing this legacy and history with me. She would also take me to the museum, carnivals, the mall, church (not to force me, but because I enjoyed playing with the other children and singing in Sunday School) and I would stay over her house sometimes. 

My grandfather was one of the original computer nerds, and taught me a lot about computers (in those days, we still used 5-inch floppy disks and Windows 3.1, and MS-DOS) He had also served in the military and was stationed in Japan, and gave me some of his old mementos when I started to become interested in Japanese culture.

Years later, my aunt found me on Facebook and I saw that I now had 2 more cousins, and my oldest cousin was starting high school. My aunt and uncle would message me, and I was unsure how to handle it after all those years. 

The reason I was unsure was because of all the things my "mother" would tell me about them. She accused them of using her for her money, she ridiculed them and called them horrible, degrading names in front of me (things I will not write here as I do not want to hurt their feelings,) and basically convinced me that they were some kind of malignant, abnormal people. When I told them I wanted to go visit my family, I was warned not to. I'm glad I followed my heart, and did the right thing.

After my "parents" left to spend Christmas and New Year's in the Caribbean and left us to house-sit (despite the fact that it was the first holidays we could spend together in over five years) Yasushi and I went over to have lunch with my family. I made some cupcakes and brought them over, and they had cold-cut trays and lots of yummy desserts, and spent the day asking us questions, talking with us, and making us feel welcome. We played games with my cousins, I helped my aunt with her computer, and we all had a great time. My husband commented that they seemed like a normal, Christian family, and were very kind-hearted, and I agreed.

Now that I have looked into my past, I can now fully appreciate how normal they are. No one launched into loud, rambling stories and demanded that you listen to them no matter how long they kept talking, no one lectured us on how our choices, hobbies, and lifestyle were wrong and tried to force us into something else, no one called us degrading names, and they would listen to us. The three children seemed comfortable and happy, no one was screamed at, insulted, or invalidated.

I can remember now that my grandparents were the only ones who validated my feelings when I was in middle school. They always listened to me, remembered things about me, showed me they cared about who I was, and never tried to force me to do something I didn't want to do, or be someone I wasn't. That was the thing I needed most at that fragile point in my development, and something I was not getting at home.

And even now, the way they treat me and Yasushi really shows how much they care. When they found out I was pregnant, they asked me how I was, and that they wanted to send me something for the baby. When I told them I didn't need much, and would appreciate if they would just send me any used items or hand-me-downs, they sent me precious family heirlooms that were used by my grandparents, their children's baby blankets, hand-sewn items that were passed down in the family, and a used breast pump, because they knew I was breastfeeding. Most importantly, there was no Facebook announcement about how THEY were becoming great-grandparents/aunts/uncles, no posts with pictures of the things they bought for THEIR grand-baby, there was no waving money around in a big fanfare that was still centered around themselves. It was just pure sentiments and love.

I am very glad I reconnected with all of them, and my husband was able to meet them before we moved to Hawaii. But also, I am very sad at all the years lost between us, and how far apart we are now. But as long as they are in Pennsylvania, I can say that I may think of going back to see my family some day.


もうすぐ感謝祭です。今年は感謝するべきがいっぱいあります。
無事に、自然に妊娠、出産して、今素敵な娘のちなみに恵まれています。
ハワイに戻ることができて、友達に会ったり、新しい友達に出会ったりすることもできました。
そして何よりも、素敵な家族に愛されてることに感謝しています。
。。。
違う。彼奴じゃないですよ。
。。。
去年の感謝祭にリョウシンのところでサンクスギビングしてた時、何年ぶりにもう一つの家族に会う事ができました。「母」系ではない家族。父系の祖父母、おじさん、おばさん、といとこ３人です。

小さい時私は海外に住んでたためあまり会えなくて、アメリカに戻ってからは同じ町に住んでたので時々会いました。

お祖母さんはおばさんと赤ちゃん（私のいとこ）と私を高校のアメフト試合に連れて行ってくれました。その頃私はまだ中学生だったけど、高校に行った時はその学校だったし、私のオトウさんも兄弟も行ったし、そして今はいとこもそこに行っています。お祖母さんはこの歴史を私と一緒に楽しむのが楽しかったでしょう。アメフトの他に、博物館、祭り、商店街、教会（強制ではなくて、私は好きで一緒に行っていました）など色んな所に連れて行ってくれました。そしてお祖母さん家でお泊まりすることもありました。

お祖父さんは昔からのパソコンオタクで、パソコンのことを私にいっぱい教えてくれました。（その頃はまだ５インチのフロッピーやウィンドウズ3.1やMS-DOSなどのじだいでした。）そして私は日本に興味を持ち始めたら軍隊で日本にいた時からのお宝ものなどいっぱいくれました。

何年後、おばさんはフェスブックで私とつながりました。そして、私のいとこが２人も増えて、赤ちゃんだったいとこが高校１年生だとわかってビックリしました。おばさんとおじさんは私にメッセージもしてくれましたけど、１０年以上連絡しなかった私が複雑な気持ちでした。

その複雑な気持ちの訳はオカアさんに言われた事です。お金を狙ってるとか、色んな酷い話を私にしてました。オカアさんが言ったことによると、その家族は悪い、優しさがない人たちでした。私が久しぶりに会ってみたいと言い出したら、やめた方がいいと言われました。私は自分の心を信じて、会ったのが正解でした。

リョウシンが５年以上ぶりに一緒にいられるクリスマス・お正月にかかわらず二人で私と旦那をおいてカリブの別荘に遊びに行ってから、私達は予定を会わせて、家族の家に行ってみました。私はお菓子を作って持って行って、家族は皆集まってサンドウィッチのパーティートレーや手作りお菓子いっぱいテーブルに並べて、何時間私とやすしにお話して、私たちの話を親切に聞いてくれて、自分の家と心を私達に開いてくれました。いとこと一緒にゲームしたり、おばさんのパソコンの問題を直してみたり、家族らしく、素敵な時間を過ごしました。旦那はクリスチャンでも、リョウシンと違って、普通の心の優しい家族だと言って、私もそう思ってました。

そして今自分の家族の関係を振り返ってみてからはその「普通な家族」というの本当に分かってきた気がします。ずっとでっかい声をだして自分中心の話ばかり聞かせることはなくて、自分の選んだ道や趣味が間違ってるように言われることもなくて、酷い傷つくような言葉を言われることもなかったです。私たちが話してた時はちゃんと聞いてくれました。子供もバカにされたり、脅されたりすることもなく、普通に幸せそうにしてました。

今思い出してみると、中学生の頃に私の気持ちを解ろうとするのはお祖父さんとお祖母さんだけでした。いつも聞いてくれて、私の趣味や性格について色んなことを覚えていたり、自分の趣味などを私に無理矢理押し付ける事もなかったです。これが私は家でしてもらえなかった、この大変な成長期に一番必要なことだったんでしょう。

そして今でも対応から家族の愛が感じられます。私が妊娠を教えたら、私の具合を聞いて、赤ちゃんのために何をプレゼントすればいいかと訪ねてくれました。そして私はそんな赤ちゃん用品は必要ない、もし何か送るのであれば中古なものでいいと言ったら、祖父母も皆が自分が赤ちゃんの時に使ってた大事な宝物いっぱい送ってくれました。手作りのベビーブランケットなどまでありました。そして私が完全母乳だと覚えててくれて、友達の中古の搾乳機もくれました。それよりも、フェスブックで自分がお祖父さん、お祖母さんになるとか、自分のひ孫のためにどんな素敵な物を買ってると写真を載せたりすることなく、自分中心でお金を振る舞うこともなく、ただの家族愛をみせてくれただけです。

皆にまた会えて、ハワイに行く前にやすしも会えてよかったです。しかし一緒にいられなかった何年間と、今遠く離れてることが悲しいです。でもいつかペンシルバニアに家族に会いに行くとまだいえます。

Another email...more drama...

The tweet:

The email from "Father":

I would never wish you and your family anything but extreme happiness, health and success, never!  I am shocked and extremely hurt that you would publicly wish harm or death on us. I do not believe that Yasushi would share your wish of death on us. I will never forget this, it is inexcusable. I have certainly failed as a father to have his daughter wish for his demise. I have been sick since one of your friends brought this tweet to our attention. Make sure to let beautiful Chinami know that her grandparents love her and want to be a part of her life. Do the things that grandparents do, give her unconditional love and support but her mother would rather not have her know her family. Your choice not ours.

My response:

Stop being overdramatic. I never wished death on anyone. Just hoping that karma gets you back, which it will. I don't remember you ever volunteering anything to help the victims of Luis, Katrina, the Japan tsunami, the Haiti earthquake, etc. Just taking videos, worrying about yourself, and offering opinions on how it could have been avoided.
Yasushi felt that the tweet was a bit too much, but he feels the same way as I do in terms of wishing we could have a normal family, with grandparents for our children, but that cannot happen until you come to terms with what you've done and take steps to correct it.
Wait, you wished me extreme happiness, health and success, and gave me unconditional love and support?
More like: you had a daughter with real problems like depression, outward signs of being abused, yet you handled it by calling her names, and invalidating her feelings, hopes, and dreams.
10 years later when she finally stands up for herself, you both deny everything happened and call her a liar, and then contradict yourself by trying to justify your actions as well-deserved discipline, as if children actually deserve to be abused! You even go on to say that her depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts were her own fault, expressing no empathy whatsoever!
And let's not forget that just recently "Mother" threatened to sue me and my family for "every last dime" knowing full well that we both worked full time 6 days a week in Japan to save up for a house someday, and are now living paycheck to paycheck on a single income with a newborn.  She also stated she is happy we are far away and she will never see us or any offspring we might have ever. I will let Chinami know about that when she is old enough, thank you.
You and "Mother" are the ones who have made the choice not to act like loving family and acknowledge the deep effect your verbal abuse has had on me, apologize, and seek therapy so you do not do the same thing to your grandchildren. "Mother" has made the choice to write me off as "sick and twisted"  when she is the one who is emotionally unstable and needs to seek help if she wants to be part of my family. She also needs to worry about her own daughter's feelings and well-being instead of worrying about what her "friends" on Facebook might think.
Yasushi and I made the choice for Chinami's safety and well-being. Judging by the way you attempt to lie and gaslight in this email, we have made the right choice.

Earthquakes, Tsunamis, and Superstorms?!?

Superstorm Sandy has wreaked havoc on the East Coast and the images I've seen are devastating. For me, Sandy is yet another natural disaster hitting one of the places I have called "home."

スーパーハリケーン「サンディー」でアメリカの東海岸は酷く被害しています。私が写真を見て驚きました。私にとってサンディーは、また私のふるさとの一つを壊した嵐です。

When I was 9, a category 4 hurricane hit the island I lived on at the time. The house we were in was strong and we were very lucky to escape the total devastation that spread across the rest of the island. We also had plenty of water and food to take us through the weeks without power. My parents and their friends drove around the day after the storm and took video. My "mother" and I returned to the US soon after until conditions got better there. 

私が９才の時に、カテゴリー４のハリケーンが私の住んでたところに来ました。私たちは運よく強い家に住んでたため被害はなかったんです。そして水や食べ物がいっぱいあったので何週間の停電も乗り越えました。ハリケーンが去った翌日、両親と友達はカメラを持って島を観光気分でめぐってビデオを取りました。それから私と母が状況がよくなるまでアメリカに戻りました。

Then last year, on March 11th, I experienced the Kanto-Tohoku earthquake that generated a tsunami big enough to wipe out entire towns, change coastlines, and cripple a nuclear plant. My parents called me every day trying to convince me to leave, but my husband and I could not fathom leaving our home in a time of crisis. We stayed and donated money, did fundraising, and when fall came, we donated our warm winter clothes and electric blankets to the temporary residences. 

そして去年３月１１日に東北大震災があって、町が丸ごとなくなったり、海岸の形がかわったり、そして原発まで壊れたりするほとの大津波がきました。両親は毎日電話して私にアメリカに帰るように説得はしてたが、私とやすしはこんな非常実態になってる私たちのふるさとを簡単に去って行くことはできなかったんです。日本にいて、寄付したり、募金集めしたり、そして秋が来たら私たちの冬服や電気毛布などを仮設住宅に送りました。

And here in Oahu, I have experienced both an earthquake that resulted in over 12 hours without electricity on most of the island, and just last Saturday, a tsunami warning that was serious enough to shut down most of Waikiki and send people in my neighborhood to higher ground. 

そしてオアフ島で１２時期間の停電を起こした地震と、この前の土曜日に、ワイキキと私の住んでる町の人が避難したほどの津波警報がでました。

In all these situations, one thing I have learned is not to think that it "won't happen to me," and to always have enough supplies for an emergency. 

こんな状況を経験した上、私が学んだことは、「私たちにこない」と考え込まないことと、非常用品を必ず持つことです。

In America it's not as much of an issue because many people buy in bulk to save money, and canned goods are a normal thing to have in one's pantry. (However, sometimes people forget to periodically check their cabinets and use things before the expiration date and replace them, so a bit of maintenance is required for this) People usually have some kind of grill for their summer barbecues that come in handy during a power outage too. 

アメリカでは、一般の人は節約するために日常の生活用品を大量にまとめ買いします。そして缶詰の食べ物も一般のキッチンに入っています。（しかし何年チェックしないで賞味期限切れてそのまま持ってる人もいます）そして一般の人はバーベキューが好きでグリルを持ってて、停電の時に役に立ちます。

In Japan, space is limited so many people do not store extra toilet paper, canned/dried food, bottled water, etc. in their house, which led to the panic buying situation in spring of 2011. With Tokyo residents already experiencing one crisis in the past year, and scientists constantly saying how Tokyo is overdue for their big earthquake, it is more important than ever to be prepared.

日本では部屋が狭いので一般の人はトイレットペーパー、缶詰、ボトルの水、などを余裕に持たないので、２０１１の震災後パニック買いだめしました。東京の人は去年震災があって、これからまた大震災が来る可能性は高いと言われていますので、準備することが凄く大事です！

In your house, you should have at least 2-3 days worth of basic supplies, such as canned/dried food and water, toilet paper and wet wipes, and other essentials such as some extra blankets, a portable gas stove or a grill, and a battery/manual powered flashlight and radio. 

It's also good to prepare an emergency bag in case you have to evacuate. In one bag, you should put (for 1 person)

2 liters of water

a bag of biscuits, a bag of hard candy, and some canned or instant food

2 packs of wet wipes

1 blanket

1 battery/manual powered flashlight and radio

1 pocket knife

 1 or 2 changes of clothes

a small amount of cash and photocopies of ID and other important documents. 

Having a bag already set up will make any evacuation easier and give you more time to gather precious items and your every day items with less panic.

自分の家に２−３日分のインスタント食品、トイレットペーパー、ウェットティッシュなどの日常用品と、毛布、ガスコンロ、電灯とラジオなどを準備した方がいいです。
あと避難しなきゃいけない場合の非常用持出袋を用意した方がいいです。一人のバッグにこういうもの入れるといいです。
水２L
あめ１袋、カンパンかビスケット一袋、インスタント食品など
ウェットティッシュ２パック
毛布１枚
電灯／ラジオ
ナイフ
着替え１−２枚
現金（小銭）とIDや大事な書類のコピー

こういうバッグを用意しておくと、避難する場合は少しでも焦らないで貴重品などももっていけるのかもしれないんですね。

Also, as if there weren't enough good reasons to breastfeed, when we evacuated because of the tsunami warning, I didn't have to worry about bottles or formula or anything, I just put a pack of diapers and wipes in the car. In America, there are many mothers who don't breastfeed because of some social stigma, because formula companies tell them things like it's more convenient, and hospitals push formula on newborns. Even in Japan, more and more mothers are supplementing with formula and decreasing their own supply. 

It would be so much better if more mothers breastfed and wet-nursed in times of crisis instead of turning to formula (which is actually more dangerous than wet-nursing because of lack of clean water and facilities to properly sanitize bottles in times of disaster.)

完全母乳にするのは健康の面や色々理由がいくつもあるんですけど、私たちは津波警報で避難した時、私は粉ミルクやボトルの心配一切しないで済みました。オムツと毛布だけ車に入れました。アメリカでは社会的烙印や、粉ミルクの会社の干渉など色んな理由で母乳育ちをしません。最近日本でも母乳でたりないと思い込んで粉ミルクを使うお母さんが増えています。特にこういう非常実態なら、清潔な水やボトルなどが必要な粉ミルクより母乳を飲ませたらいいと思います。

With it getting colder I hope everyone in the areas ravaged by Sandy are keeping warm by bundling up and drinking warm drinks whenever possible. When I was in Japan, we only had a small gas heater in the living room, and I wore thick padded room jackets inside and usually had some hot water in the kitchen for tea (and a thermos for when I went outside). When my parents came to visit me in Japan my "mother" relentlessly complained about how cold our apartment was, so I wonder how they are dealing with their power and heat being off for over 3 days now.

今段々寒くなって来てるでしょうが、Sandyの被災地で皆さんちゃんと暖かい格好をして暖かい飲み物いっぱい飲んで寒さを耐えてるかな。私は日本に住んでた時リビングに小さいヒーターしかなかったため私はルームコート着て、よくお茶を飲んでました。でも両親が日本の部屋に来た時母が寒いとずっと愚痴言ってた。。３日以上の停電どう耐えてるのかな。。。

Anyway, my thoughts are with all the victims. I will do what I can to help from here in Hawaii. 

An absolutely brilliant NC letter from a fellow DONM

I saw this on one of the support groups for people like me. By people like me, I mean other people who were raised by mothers who were self-absorbed and abusive. Reading it, I felt like someone had reached into my brain and arranged my thoughts neatly and concisely. 

I recieved this text from my NM (Narcissistic Mom)
“As usual you are wrong in your self indulgent rant but I see now we spoiled you. Your unhappiness can be treated but your resentment is misguided – biting the hand etc, you are hard work and I quit – stay away and don’t communicate with me”
I wonder was the reference to my “unhappiness” being “treated” a suggestion that I suffer from some sort of mental illness and need medication? (That was something I grew up hearing whenever I disagreed with you.) I resent the implication and find it a very low blow. I was constantly compared with *** as a teenager whenever I behaved differently to how you expected. The threat of mental illness was a damaging one, and one you casually used, instilling fear into me as a vulnerable youngster. I wonder, were you aware of how your words ever affected me?
In the intervening weeks I initially felt shock, anger and a sense of loss. I had phoned you asking for more emotional support, and you retaliated by cutting me out of your life completely. I’m not going to continue describing how I felt and still feel about that, as I think you will dismiss it as “oversentimentality” or my “oversensitive” nature which you have often blamed for my reactions to stressful situations.
Then yesterday I received the following text from you:
“Hi *** lets forget the past and look to the future and move on – life’s too short – I want to be friends and send my love to you x mum”
I was struck by the complete denial of the issues I raised on the phone, and wonder how you think we can have any kind of relationship where one person hurts another and expects the injured party to “move on” with no apology or acknowledgement of the hurt caused? You want me to forget about your treatment of me, to forget that my own mother cut me out of her life, and not deal with it? This is not a normal human interaction. I would not take this kind of treatment from a friend, and certainly didn’t expect it from a family member. Possibly you are able to compartmentalise things like this, but I feel things deeply and am unable to “move on” unless I have dealt with a situation until it is no longer affecting me.
I am not ready to speak to you in person, as I fear you will invalidate and dismiss my feelings, as you always have done. If you wish to communicate with me you may email me or post me a letter.
I am busy caring for and raising my family, and I don’t wish to be to-ing and fro-ing in and out of your affections as you see fit. I would like us to be part of each other’s lives, but until you can see how your behaviour is hurtful and wrong towards me, and acknowledge it and try to improve it, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I am worth more than that, and I will not put myself and my children in your way for you to hurt, criticise and judge us as you have done in the past.
Before you write me off as “spoilt” and “ungrateful”, please take some time to wonder have you had anything to do with this situation. If you still conclude that I am for some reason making it all up, consider why would I invite this drama upon myself? I don’t enjoy it, I don’t welcome it, and I want an end to it, one way or another.

(claps hands) 

Bravo, anonymous DONM. I feel like this is a mirror image of what I've been through. 

Called "spoilt" and "ungrateful" when I start to tell the truth. 

Growing up with mental illness being used as a form of degradation and threatening. 

Being constantly compared to someone else

Being cut off when I needed emotional support

Getting a casual "Hi, how are you," weeks later after an unresolved confrontation as if nothing happened (and expecting me to forget about everything they've done!)

Giving up speaking with them because they will just invalidate my feelings.

Not wanting my children to be subjected to the same treatment I was. 

Being accused of making it all up, for what reason?

The thought of so many other people out there going through the same thing is really sad. I hope everyone finds strength and happiness ♥

Morning Musume モーニング娘。

In Hawaii, there are many annual events I try to take part in if I can. The Ohana Festival at New Year's, the Honolulu Festival, Bon Dance, and then, there is the Morning Musume Hawaii Fan Club Tour.
In 2004, I saw Morning Musume by waiting outside of the Hello! Project Museum/Shop in the Royal Hawaiian Shopping Center (that was closed a few years later) Kaori was the leader at that time. I couldn't say anything to them, I was so happy. I just bowed over and over again. Ishikawa Rika smiled at me (a beautiful smile!) Niigaki Risa gave me a shaka, and Tanaka Reina waved at me.
In 2007, I listened/watched their concert by sitting outside of the Waikiki Shell, which is an outdoor venue. There were a few of us outside there, and we climbed up on a utility box to get a slightly better view, albeit very far away. We waited outside after the concert was over to get a glimpse of them as they came out. At this time, Fujimoto Miki was set to be the next leader after Yossi's graduation. I sent a letter to her radio show, then when I went to Japan, I saw her at one of the "Okitegami" events, entered her karaoke contest, and she told me she saw my Youtube video when I saw her at UpFront's charity event in 2011. In 2011 I also went to Morning Musume's event for "Only You" and got waved at by Reina again when I waited around for them to leave the venue.
And now, in 2012, I am back in Hawaii, and this time, I had someone to come with me...my daughter! On August 29th, I remembered they were coming soon and started to look for any inside information. I checked the dates on the Hello! Project website, and found that they would be doing "optional tours" this year, in three "groups". One group was Sayumi, Haruna, Masaki, Kanon, and Mizuki. The other "group" was Erina. And the other group was Reina, Riho, Ayumi, and Haruka. And all of their tours were headed to Moanalua Gardens at some time between 3 and 6:30. I packed a bunch of vegetable sticks, fruit, and other snacks, a bottle of water and a can of V-8, and a plastic mat, and a 20 minute bus ride and 30 minute walk over the highway later, I was there. 5-10 minutes after I arrived, Sayumi's group came. They arrived before the fans to take some video for the DVD. I walked up to them with Chinami, and they saw her and came over. Haruna asked in English if she could take a picture with her, and Sayumi was going on and on about how cute the baby was. I told her in Japanese her name is Chinami, and she asked if her dad was Japanese, I said yes, and Masaki cut in saying "I knew, I told you!" The cameraman took a group picture of us, and I commented how I want to see it, and then Sayumi asked if she could put it on her blog, and I said yes. I then said "So....I have to check Sayumi's blog later then, right?" and all of them looked surprised and they start asking "You know us??" and I said "Yes...and I'm actually shaking right now..."
The cameraman took out what looked like Sayumi's smartphone, all pink and sparkly, to take another group picture. I gave Chinami to Sayumi to hold for the picture. Then we all said thank you and they went on their way to film more stuff and I sat in the grass marveling at what just happened.
After a little while, the two buses full of fans arrived, and a little later, Erina and her fans arrived and Erina reunited with her fellow members briefly before everyone left. Then I waited about 2 hours, and the sun started to set when Reina's group finally arrived at 6:15. They took pictures with the fans, and they hurried the fans back onto the bus. Ayumi was on crutches with her foot bandaged up, and Haruka had a knee brace. They met Chinami, and then they played with a little boy and took pictures. Reina kept hugging him until the staff told her to hurry and get on the bus! Before they left, I told Ayumi to hurry and make her leg better so she can dance in the concerts again. She said "concert...you watch our concerts?" and I said "Yea, when I was in Japan." Ayumi seemed impressed by that.
And then on Friday, I had no idea where their event was going to be. Saturday, my husband has mornings off. When he left for work, I checked some hashtags on Twitter and found that some Morning Musume fans were posting that they had arrived at UH, just a few minutes ago. I put Chinami in her wrap and headed off (UH is about a 20 minute walk from where I live) and arrived in plenty of time to find a spot outside the ampitheater where I could see the concert pretty well. I watched most of it from that spot until another person on a bicycle came, and the security guards saw him and asked us both to leave. So I changed spots. It's not illegal to stand outside of an ampitheater during a concert (as far as I know) I walked around and found a spot where I could see the concert from behind the stage. Then after it was over I found another fan who was doing the same thing.....the same guy who had watched the concert from outside the Shell in 2007! He had been watching the various Hello! Project Hawaii concerts at the UH ampitheater for the past few years and had a general idea of how things were done. The vans were parked across a small grassy area by a school building, so after their handshake event and any video recordings were over the vans would have to either go to the entrance of the ampitheater or they would have to walk across. With how casually they were hanging out in Waikiki and with the fans during this tour, we predicted the latter, and we waited in a seating area close to the vans (but far enough away from them to not irritate the security) We saw them come out and start to walk across, and the other two fans with me were like "OMG what do we do" and I just beelined it for them, but stopped about 2 feet away and waved. I shouted "Otsukareina!" (If they didn't know I was a huge fan of theirs yet, they knew now!) and Sayumi looked at me and the obvious Sayumi fan with me and was like "OMG" and I said "I'm watching Sayumi's blog!" and she was like "OK I'll post the pic soon!" and Haruka walked across and was really happy to see us and I was like "I hope your knee gets better soon!!" and then Haruna saw me and Chinami and gasped and went "It's Chinami!!" and I was like "OMG they remembered your name!!"
So 8 years after my first encounter with Morning Musume, my fandom and drive are still going strong. It was difficult to keep up especially after Takahashi Ai graduated, and now the group is mostly 9th and 10th generation members who I hardly knew, but I have been watching their Youtube channel and became a fan of Haruna after her whole "chocolate" thing and the way she says really borderline inappropriate things about her attraction to Sayumi. I also am very impressed by Riho and Ayumi's dancing, and Haruka is kind of tomboyish and funny. Kanon's cheerfulness and love of food is cute. Masaki however got on my nerves, honestly. She ran around and shouted and was really over-the-top at Moanalua gardens, and for me, I would find her really annoying to be around.
Anyway, I am looking forward to their next Hawaii tour and wish them the best of luck with everything in Japan and abroad until then. Otsukareina!!

ハワイでは、毎年あるイベントによく参加しています。お正月のオハナフェスティバル、ホノルルフェスティバル、盆踊り、などがあって、そして、モーニング娘。のハワイファンクラブツアーがあります。

２００４年に、（数年後に閉店した）ロイヤルハワイアンショッピングセンターのハロープロジェクトの店の外で待ったら、モーニング娘。を見ました。その時はかおりはまだリーダーでした。嬉しくて、言葉が出なくて、何度もおじきしかできなかったんです。石川梨花がニコってして（素敵な笑顔！）新垣理沙がシャカをして、そして田中れいなは手を振ってくれました。

２００７年に、ワイキキシェルの外で遠くからコンサートを見たんです。私の他にファン数人いて、そしてもっとよく見えるように電気のボックスの上に昇っちゃったんです。そしてコンサートが終わったら出待ちをしました。その時はよっすぃーがリーダーで、もう少しで卒業して藤本美貴が次のリーダーになるはずでした。それで私が藤本美貴のラジオ番組に手紙を書きました。そして日本に行ったら、「置き手紙」の発売記念イベントでミキティーに会って、それからカラオケ大会に出て、そして２０１１年にアップフロントのチャリティーイベントで会ったらYoutube見たって言われました。そして２０１１年にモーニング娘。の「OnlyYou」の発売記念イベントに行って、また出待ちをしてみたらまた田中れいなが手を振ってくれました。

そして今年２０１２年またハワイに戻りました。そして今回は一緒に来てくれる人もいました。自分の娘です！！８月２９日に、ツアーはそろそろだなと思って調べ始めました。ハロープロジェクトのホームページでオプショナルツアーの情報が乗ってました。モーニング娘。は３グループに分けて、観光をするという企画でした。グループはさゆみ、はるな、まさき、かのん、とみずきのグループ、とえりなのグループ、とれいな、りほ、あゆみ、はるかのグループでした。そしてツアーが全部３時から６時半の間一回モアナルアガーデンに寄ると書いてありました。私は野菜スティック、フルーツ、野菜ジュース、水、お菓子、レジャーマットなどを用意して、２０分バスに乗って３０分歩いて行きました。着いて５－１０分経ったらさゆみのグループが来ました。ファンの先に着いて、ビデオ撮影していました。私はちなみを抱っこして近づいてみました。。。。すると、皆さんが「赤ちゃんだ！」と寄ってきました！はるなが英語で「写真撮っていいですか？」と聞いて、さゆみがかわいい、かわいいと言ってました。私は「名前はちなみです」といって、日本語ほめられて、それでさゆみはお父さん日本人かと訪ねて、私答えたらまさきは「ほら、そうでしょう、そうでしょう！」と言ってました。カメラマンはグループショットを取ってくれました。それで私が「いいな、この写真見てみたいな！」と言ったら、さゆみが「ブログOK?」と聞いて来て、いいよと答えたら、カメラマンがさゆみの携帯？っぽいもの出して（ピンクでキラキラデコってるものでした）さゆみに「抱っこしてみます？」と言って、娘を渡しました！そして写真とりました。ちなみを返してもらってからさゆみに「あとでさゆみんのブログをチェックしたらいいんですね？」と言ったら皆びっくりして目を開きました。そして「知ってるの？」とかって聞いたら、私が「はい。。。実はファンです。。。今震えてます！」と答えました。皆がありがとうとかして、娘。達が撮影を続けて、私は木の下に座って、ショックから回復しようと。。。

ちょっと時間経ったらさゆみグループのファンのバス２台が到着しました。それからえりなのバスも来ました。ファンと一緒にえりなが皆とはしゃいだり遊んだりするの見て笑ったりしてました。それから皆が次の場所に向かおうとバスに乗って行きました。それから２時間ほど経って、日が沈もうとしてる頃やっとれいなグループが到着しました。もう時間がなかったので記念撮影だけして、急いでまたバスに乗るだけでした。少しだけちなみに会って、それから他の４才位の男の子と遊んだり写真撮ったりしてました。れいなは特にハグばかりしててスタッフに急がされてました。皆が行っちゃう前に、少しあゆみに早く足を直して、またコンサートで踊れるようにと言って、あゆみが「コンサート見たんですか？」と聞いてきました。日本にいた時、と答えました。あゆみが少し驚いて見えました。

金曜日はイベントあったんですけど、場所が全くわからず、どこにも行きませんでした。土曜日のライブはハワイ大学でするという噂聞きましたけど。確認はできなかったので行こうか迷ってました。土曜日はやすしが午前休みで、仕事行ってからツィッターでハッシュタグをいくつか調べたら、ヲタ達がハワイ大学に到着とつぶやいてました。ハワイ大学は自宅から歩いて２０分なので、早速行きました。着いたらまだコンサートはじまらないので良い場所を探す時間もありました。ステージを前から見える場所簡単に見つけました。前半はそこで見ましたけど、途中でスタッフの人にプライベートなコンサートなので見ないでくださいと言われて、場所を変えました。最後の何曲かはステージの後ろから見てました。コンサートが終わってから２００７年一緒にシェルで見たファンと偶然会って、出待ちはどうすればいいかと話していました。あの人は数年間FCツアーをこういう風に見てましたので、どこから、どういう風に出るか少し分かってました。娘。達の車はコンサートの所から５０メートル位離れた所で止めてあったので、車を動かすか娘。達が車まで歩くか、どっちにしても行動する時間はいっぱいありました。このツアーは前よりファンと接することが多かったから歩くかなと思っていて。近くで（でもスタッフが気にしないように離れて）座って待っていました。娘。達が出て来て歩いてたら他のファンの二人が「どうしよう、近くに行こうか？」と悩んでたら、私は小走りで近くに行って、皆に手を振りながら「おつかれいなー」と声を掛けました。もし私のこと大ファンと分かってなければ、その一言でわかったと思います。さゆみは私と、隣にいるさゆみのヲタを見てびっくりしてました。私がさゆみに「ブログ見てますから！」と行ったら、さゆみが「はい、写真アップします！」そしてはるかが私たちを見てたら、私ははるかの膝に指差して「膝を早く直して！」と言ってみました。そしてはるなが私たちをみたら「あ、ちなみちゃん！！」と言ってました。名前覚えられた！と嬉しくなってました。

モーニング娘。を初めて会ってから８年が経ちましたけど。まだまだ大好きです！高橋愛が卒業して、今９期と１０期ばかりのグループで少し離れてしまった頃もあったんですけど、ユーチューブなどをみて、またメンバーの色んな性格などに癒されてファンを続けました。はるなのチョコレートの卒業が面白くて、そしてさゆみに対して変なこと言ったりするのがカワイイ。。りほとあゆみのダンスはレベル高い、はるかはボイッシュで面白い、かのんは元気が良くて食べ物が大好きらしい。。。しかしまさきは正直うるさいと思いました。モアなるアガーデンではしゃぎすぎだと思ってました。

とにかく、次のハワイツアーを楽しみにしてます。その時まで日本や海外の活動が上手く行きますように。。。おつかれいなー＾＾

Another update

3 weeks gone, 3 weeks to go until I am officially not post-partum anymore! I'm trying to take it easy, which is boring. So I have been doing laundry, cleaning, and occasionally taking Chinami out in the stroller, or the sling (I love babywearing!)
I want to get to 6 weeks so I can go on walks and do bon-odori and stuff again!
I miss being active. I think when I get more active, the last 10 lbs will come off more easily. I gained about 30lbs during my pregnancy, and when I weighed myself today I had already lost 20lbs.
Chinami, on the other hand, has gained about 2 lbs, and that is all me, no supplements! I am a milk machine!! My lovely aunt, uncle, cousins, and grandparents, (family members my "mother" discouraged me from having contact with) sent me an electric breast pump because they knew I was breastfeeding. How thoughtful! I tried it out and got 3 oz on the first try!
Maybe if I can pump and build up a supply, I could start working again. I do want to be with Chinami as much as possible, though. Even if I spend most of the day trying to get her happy and asleep, then worry if she is sleeping too much.

３週間経ちました。そして産後の完全回復まであと３週間です。できるだけ安静してるけど、つまらないんです。だから洗濯したり、お掃除したりして、そしてちなみをベビーカーかスリングに入れて出かけたりもします。（スリングが大好きです！）
早く産後六週目にならないかな。散歩したり、盆踊りなどしたいです！アクティブにしたいな。。もっと活動的になったら、最後の１０ポンド位はすぐに落とせるでしょう。妊娠して３０ポンド位増えましたけど、今日で２０ポンドも減ってます。
ところでちなみは２ポンドも増えました！しかもそれは全部私からです！追加はしてません！ミルクマシーンです！あと、私のすてきなおばさん、おじさん、いとこ、と祖父母（母から縁を切るように言われた家族）から搾乳機を貰いました！私が完全母乳やってるって覚えてくれた。。。すごい気が利いた家族です。早速使ってみたら３ozも出ました！
これで母乳いっぱい貯められたらちょっと早くでも仕事できるのかな。できるだけちなみと時間を過ごしたいけど。一緒にいても、満足させて寝させようとしてるか、寝すぎてないかと心配してるしかあまりやってなくても。。。

英語でごめんなさい。

この前のブログですが、母からのメールやインターネットの研究などが全部英語で、翻訳するのが面倒になって英語のままにしました。
ここで少し解説だけしておきます。
２３日のブログに、母からのメールの事を書きました。そのメールの内容は、まず「人生の中数回怒ってしまって酷いことしてしまったかもしれない。謝る」ということ。数回でもなかったし、酷いことしたのではなく、虐待と暴力したってなぜ言えないんだろう。
そして母によると、私がブログで「裏表」「ナルシスト」などのキャラ付けた、でも同じメールで「ブログが友達の前で恥ずかしい思いをさせた」「自分の問題を親のせいにしてるだけ」などと言って、母のイメージを「鬼」や「最悪」などにしています。そしてブログの内容が嘘だと言ってます。
ブログの内容は自分の思い出です。嘘は書いてません。高校生時代に書いた日記も嘘ではないです。鬱とパニックになって、自殺もしようとしたことが本当です。周りの友達などに聞いてみれば。。。
このメールの中でも母は私が十年代の時私が「態度悪い」「性格悪い」「くそ女」などと書いてます。でも私が日記やブログを書く時、親に対しては殆どそういう傷つけるような言葉使わないんです。ただ親が私にやったこと、言った事を書いただけです。
母が「十年代の時は態度悪くて親をバカにしたばかり。親が怖いという子供の態度ではない」と強調してる。
私が言えば嘘だから、調べてきました。
言葉の暴力の定義、
虐待された子供や十年代の平均な態度、
十年代うつの症状
全部当てはまります。

母はいつかちなみに会いたいと言った。いつか自分がカウンセリング受けて治療すれば会えるかもしれない。

そして、赤ちゃんの時のアルバムは捨ててないって。他に実家に残ってた物は、私がいらないだろうから、と捨てた。そうだったかな？フェスブックでは「もう人生から消すの嬉しい。もう振り返っても殆ど見えない〜」ということでしたけど。。。

そして２４日に、またメール来ました。母の本音です。

友達に叫びを無視して、ブログ見るのやめて、と言われたけど、聞かないでみちゃった。一つ言うけど、それで最後にする。あんたの文句、嘘、と傷つける言葉は前より痛くなくなった。６０００マイル離れててもう一緒会わないで済むから嬉しい。もう二度とブログ見ない。
私はカウンセリングなどはいらない。数年前にやって、あんた何かより自分の問題を上手に解決できてる。あんたどうして私にそう言えると思ってるの？何か知ってるみたいに。何も知らないんだろう。いい家庭を持つのちゃんと覚えなかったし、掃除や家庭を持つ事やレディーでいること覚えてない。ただの最低な豚。いい人のふりをしてるくそ女は全部間違ってる、そしてあんたはカウンセリングなんか受けるべきだよ。でもカウンセリング受けても先生に嘘ばかりをいうだろう。
こうなったからあんたとあんたの子供にさよならと気持ちよく言えるね。もう私の人生から出て行け、私も一生あんたと関わらない。遺言を書き直して遺産もあんたにやらない。
今お父さんと私は弁護士との予約をして、このブログを止めようと活動してる。自分は言いたい事なんでも言えるわけじゃない。証拠もないし、全部嘘ばかり書いてるだけ。このごみと嘘を消して、やめないと、裁判で訴えてお金全部取るから。虐待と私たちの事を早く消して。もう私はあんたと関係終わった、もうあんたの問題を全部私のせいにする行動と気持ち悪い病気はいらない。
あんたは小さい時から社交的な問題あった。虐待のせいじゃない。ブログ１，０００つそう書いても現実にならない。
このメールもブログに載せたら？？そしてこのブログを見た友人全員があんたの嘘s信じないって。あんたが可哀想で治療受けた方がいいって。私を知ってる人が皆私の見方だって。でもあんたは知らない人に信じてもらって、可哀想とか思われてるんだね。それ楽しいだろう。
そして、あんたもくそったれ。

また言いますけど、このブログは自分の経験したことを書いて、自分が強くなるためにも、他の人の力になれたらいいなと思った。ここで書いたことは私の人生の中のエピソード、そしてその中親にされた事や言われた事です。そしてここで書いた言葉は実際に言ったと親が自分で確認しました。それはただ子供と十年代に態度や性格があまりに悪くて言って「しつけ」するしかなかったという事を強調してたんです。

でも大げさに言ったり、母を「最悪」みたいに見せたりすることはしてません。自分が感情のコントロールが下手だから家族としてやって行くならカウンセリング受けて欲しいと言いました。でも母が私に言ったような傷つける言葉は使ってません。そしてこの載せる許可もくれたメールでは、本音を明確に書きました。

「社交的に問題がある子供」を見て、助けるより「気違い」「狂ってる」「性格悪い」と言い続ける母ってどうなの？

そして「くそ女」「最低」など言って子供が泣いたり、パニックになったりするの目の前で見てまったく同情しない母ってどうなの？しかも母が同じ経験をしたと言うし。

そして自分の子供は赤ちゃんがいて、家庭の収入は政府から保険や食べ物貰えるほど低いと知ってて、ホームレスにさせると言ってるみたいに脅す母ってどうなの？

ちなみをみたら、この世界いっぱいほどの愛情しか感じない。この時点ではどんなお母さんになるという約束は言えないけど、こんなお母さんにならない位の約束は言える。

Guess who this mail is from?

Well, my friends all told me to ignore your rantings, and stop reading your blog, but I didn't listen and there I went. I will say one more thing: that is the last time I do it. Your rotten whining, lying, and insulting words do not sting as much as they did, they just make me glad that you live 6000 miles away and that I never have to see you again Your blog will not be read by me ever again.
I do not need to get "help"...actually I did that years ago with more success than you are having coping with your issues in life. How dare you preach to me that way....like somehow you have all the answers. You have none of the answers. You never learned how to keep a nice home, to clean and take care of a home and be a real lady-instead you are a low class pig.  You are a sanctimonious jerk who has it all wrong-and you are the one who needs psychiatric help and very badly. But I'm sure the lies you tell any therapist will color your treatment and prevent any real truth from being said or dealt with.
At this point I am finally very comfortable saying goodbye to you and any offspring you may ever have. Stay away from me and I will never have anything to do with you. I am even going to rewrite my will and cut you out completely.
At the moment, your father and I have an appointment with an attorney for a cease and desist order to stop the continuous slander and filth you have put on the internet. We definitely have a case as your words are not proof of anything and you cannot say whatever you want in a public forum as you have been doing for months. We plan to sue you for every dime you have if you do not stop, and remove the filth you have already put out there. I am not kidding and strongly suggest that you remove all references to us and abuse and soon. I am finished with you and have lost any tolerance I still had for your warped, sick obsession with blaming me for your problems.
You had social and interactive problems all along as a child and teen, they were not caused by abuse, and you can write that they were in 1000 blogs and that will not make it so.
Go ahead, quote this in your blog for your readers. I have spoken to every one of my friends who has read your blog-guess what? They don't buy your lies-they all to a person feel sorry for you and think that you are sick and need treatment. You have no credibility with anyone who knows me and they are not on your side.
The strangers who don't know any better and believe your bullshit will let you play out your fantasy as a poor mistreated victim. So go ahead-enjoy yourself.
And guess what? FUCK YOU TOO.

First, I will state again, my blog is for me to share my experiences to help others and become stronger myself. What I have written here is an account of my life, including what my parents did and said to me growing up. They have verified that the words I quoted from them were in fact theirs, by trying to justify them and saying that my attitude and behavior as a child and teenager warranted such "discipline".

But as far as exaggerating and depicting my mother as a "horrible monster", I have done nothing of the sort. I did state that she could not control her emotions, and needed help if we were going to move on as a family. However I have not used hurtful, insulting terms to describe her as she has repeatedly done to me. And in this mail (which she even gave me permission to publish), she has made her true feelings very obvious to anyone who reads it.

I wonder, what kind of mother would watch their child struggle with "social problems" and instead of trying to help them and connect with them, call them names like "wacko" "mental patient" and tell them they have "no personality"?
And what kind of mother would call her child a "jerk" and an "asshole" and watch them cry, or watch them have a panic attack and offer no empathy whatsoever, even if they had been through the exact same thing themselves?
And what kind of mother, knowing full well that their child had a newborn baby and had a household income that qualified her for Medicare and WIC, would threaten to essentially put them on the streets?

When I look at Chinami, I feel nothing but all the love in the world for her. At this point I can't really make promises about what kind of mother I'll be, but I can promise what kind of mother I will not be.

I got a mail from my "mother" about my blog post. She claims that she apologized for the "few times she lost her temper and was mean to me". It was more than a few, and a lot more serious than just being "mean". Being mean is laughing at someone when they trip and fall. Why doesn't she use the real word "abuse" here? 


She claims I characterized her as vain, selfish and phony, and in the same email goes on about how I "humiliated her in front of her friends", "dramatically exaggerate" and "blame my issues on them". She tells me my blog is "one-sided" and "mean spirited" and "full of untruths", and I characterized her as "horrible" and a "monster." 


Everything I wrote in my blog is true, to my own recollection. The words my parents said to me that I recorded in my diaries as a teenager were true. My battle with anxiety and depression and my suicide attempt(s) are also true, there are several people that witnessed the pain I was in. 


Even in this most recent email, my own mother describes me during my teenage years as "sullen," "nasty," and "a total ass". But in all my diaries and blogs, I never resorted to using such insulting and degrading words to describe them. I am just telling the truth about what they said and did to me. My mother (and father) use the excuse "You were hostile to us, therefore you were not afraid of us, therefore we did not abuse you."


Since everything I write is a lie and hyperbole, I decided to do some research.




Emotional abuse -TeenHelp

How to deal with emotional abuse from your parents (for teens)

The main types of emotional abuse include:

• Verbal assault. Your parent/s verbally assault you in every way possible. They may blow your flaws out of proportion, make fun of you, call you names, berate you, scream at you, threaten you or criticize you. They may blame you for everything or humiliate you with sarcasm and endless insults. Over time, this type of abuse can completely destroy a person's feelings of self worth and self esteem.
• Emotional neglect. Your parent may supply you with all of your physical and material needs, but completely neglect your emotional ones. They may show no love oraffection, continually ignore you, or refuse to support you during times of emotional need.
• Invalidation. Closely linked and overlapped with emotional neglect, invalidation occurs when the victim's feelings and needs are completely invalidated, usually with harmful intent. A good example is when the victim tries to confront the parent/s about the abuse; the child may be told “I never do that”, “You think too much”, “You shouldn’t be upset about that”, or “You are exaggerating.” The abuser usually controls the victim’s emotions by telling the victim that those feelings and opinionsare wrong, by continually ignoring and rejecting emotional needs, and making the victim feel as though there is something wrong with him/her. Invalidation can also be done passively, for example, when a victim tries to confide in a parent about a problem and is told that the problem is not really an issue, or that the child should simply get over it. Invalidation is particularly damaging, as it leads the victim to think that s/he is wrong, stupid to feel this way, undeserving of any feelings at all.

How to spot emotional abuse
1 - overly shy, obedient, and submissive to others
3 - lacks confidence and has low self-esteem
8 - exhibits self-destructing behavior  - bites, pinches or cuts self
9 - finds it difficult to make friends, is overly clingy to people he is close to
15 - low self-esteem, constantly thinks bad or low about oneself
16 - Exhibits abasement behavior by blaming oneself about any negative events of his life
17 - Shows excessive depression to any type of rejection and lacks motivation in trying to correct that failure.
18 - Feels desperate and hopeless about life and neglects his personal looks and hygiene.
19 - Demonstrates sadness by isolating oneself, constantly crying, and getting into arts like music and poetry containing negative themes (such as death and hatred)
20 - Displays bitterness and lacks connection among others, whether it be friends or family
21 - Overly secretive and has difficulty in expressing ones feelings, believing that nobody ever listens to him.




How to talk to your moody teen
I found this interesting...
4 - Offer your support and be available for him when he needs to talk. Find time each day to talk and listen to what he has to share. Do not judge or jump on lecturing him.  
My parents judged and lectured on things like my taste in music and TV shows!
6 - Show respect to him and his friends. He will feel more comfortable confiding and talking to you. 
My friends were described as fat, ugly, talentless losers (like me) most of the time. Not exactly respect. 


How to help your depressed teen
In many cases, parents or other adults fail to acknowledge the fact that teenagers can, and do, get depressed. They tend to write off the moody, sullen teenager as acting out or one who is simply unhappy about something.

With teenagers, certain symptoms are likely to be present that are not normally found in depressed adults:

• Excessive sensitivity to criticism. Depressed teens tend to have strong feelings of worthlessness, which makes them highly sensitive to criticism, failure and rejection.
• Angry or irritable mood. Instead of being sad like most adults with depression, teens tend to be irritable, grumpy, hostile and frustrated.
• Withdrawing from some people. Adults are more prone to isolate themselves from everyone when they are depressed, but teenagers tend to withdraw more selectively. With teenagers, they may start hanging out with different types of people, pulling away from their parents or socialize less frequently than they normally do.

My mother says she hopes to meet Chinami one day. Maybe if she seeks help and resolves her own issues like I did, she can. 

Oh, and she didn't throw away the baby book for some reason. She threw away everything else because "I didn't want it". Slightly different story from " I am so over and done with her that I can hardly see her any more in my rear view mirror. Tossed out any and everything I find of hers-wiping her out of my life and not looking back." (quoted from Facebook, one of the comments she conveniently erased)

Life with Chinami: the first week 智七海と最初の一週間

postpartum tummy!


Today Chinami is one week old! And I have been a mommy for one week! Everything has been going great, maybe even too great!
Between eating well, taking the placenta pills, and taking small naps with Chinami, my recovery has been great! It's only been a week but I am ready to put her in a sling and walk here and there! But my midwife and doula warned me to take it easy, because it is possible to get worse after getting better, and I have someone to look after now.

Breastfeeding has been as easy and textbook as my pregnancy. Latch her on after birth, latch her on whenever she shows signs of being hungry (not just crying) and then my milk came in on the 3rd day and she is always satisfied after a nursing session, and I can even hand express a little bit! I think my placenta capsules, brewer's yeast powder, and mother's milk tea help things along as well.

At night, I can nurse her while laying down in my bed, because she sleeps with us! This was a no-brainer because in Japan cosleeping is perfectly normal, and doesn't kill babies like certain American media might try and tell you. Breastfeeding and cosleeping together actually dramatically reduce the chance of SIDS.

And if Chinami cries or is a little bit fussy after feeding and changing her nappy, Yasushi or I simply hold her close, give her kisses and tell her we love her and she falls asleep with a smile on her face.

Every time I look at Chinami, I'm reminded of all my love for her, and everything I have done and will do for her.

I've already started to compile a little photo album, with ultrasound pics, first footprint, umbilical cord, etc. And I'm reminded of how my own mother said she had thrown everything of mine away, and was glad to. When I went home, I took my own baby book out of storage and looked at it. It was in the guest room when we left. To think that she can throw it out and be happy with herself disgusts me to no end. And I question the character of anyone who can still remain friends with someone who would say in one breath that her daughter has a mental illness, and in the next brag about discarding her. And my father still believes that I am in the wrong, that she is the real victim, poor her, being abused by her mother, trying her best to raise me but accidentally abusing me, suffering from depression, and having me "publicly humiliate her" maliciously. He took part in destroying my self-confidence by constantly telling me how horrible and stupid I and my friends were and how I had no talent, and my dreams of being a teacher so I could inspire children were just great because those who can't do, teach.

In all the emails, he never hinted that they might have been wrong. He never apologized. Just tried to put all the blame on me, while saying I "have a right to feel how I do" but implying that he was not wrong.
And then a few days ago I got an email from him. As if everything had magically disappeared, it was just a dream, they were perfect parents all along and I never cried myself to sleep at night wondering why they hated me so much.....
The mail simply read "How are you? The baby must be coming at any moment. Please let me know."
Fuck you. 

今日でちなみは生後一週間です！！そして私もママになって１週間です！

全部上手く行ってます！良すぎるかもしれない！！

ちゃんと食べて、胎盤のカプセルを飲んで、ちなみと一緒に昼寝したりすることで、回復も順調です！たった一週間しか経ってないのにもうスリングに入れて散歩したいです！でも助産婦とドゥーラーに良くなったと思ってもまた悪化することもあるし、お世話しなきゃいけない人もいるから、ほどほどにしてって言われました。

授乳は妊娠と同じく、順調で楽です！出産後は吸わせて、お腹空いたかなと思ったら吸わせて、そして三日後に母乳が出ました！ちなみはおっぱいを飲んでからいつも満足そうな顔してるし、手でしぼっても出ます！胎盤のカプセルとビール酵母とハーブティーの効果もあるかな？

夜になったらちなみは一緒に寝るからベッドで横になったまま授乳できます！これは日本では普通なことなので、悩まずに決められたんです。アメリカでは赤ちゃんは大人と寝ると死ぬ、という噂などありますけど、本当は母乳と一緒に寝ることって、赤ちゃんを守ります。

そしておっぱいあげても、オムツ変えてもちなみが泣いてしまう時は、やすしか私が抱っこして、チュして愛してるよと言えば、ちなみはニコッとして寝てくれます。

ちなみを見る度に愛を思い出す、そして今までちなみのためにしたこと、これからすることも頭に浮かぶ。

エコーの写真、足形、へその緒などが入ってるアルバムを作ってます。そして自分の母が私の物全部捨てて嬉しかったって言ったの思い出しました。実家に帰ってた時、自分の赤ちゃんの時のアルバムを押し入れからだして、見て、私たちが寝てた部屋において行きました。。母はそれも捨てて喜ぶなんて最低です。そして娘が病気と言い、娘を捨てたと同時に言う人と友達でいられる人の性格も本当に疑います。そして父はまだ私が間違ってると信じてるみたいです。母が可哀想、自分の母に暴力されて、できるだけよく私を育てようとして、そして鬱になってしまって、そして娘の私にブログで恥かけられて。。。そして父は私と友達が最悪、馬鹿だ、才能がない、と言い続けて自信を壊して、私が子供にやる気を与えたくて先生になりたいと言ったら先生は才能ない人多いからいいんじゃないと言いました。

そして父のメールでは両親は間違ってる可能性なんてあり得ないみたいな態度してます。しかも、謝らないんです。私のせいにして、私の気持ちは自由だなどと言ってます。

そして数日前にまたメールきました。何もなかったみたいに。。。全部が夢で、両親が本当は完璧で、私はどうして両親に嫌われてるのって眠りにつくまで泣いた事もないような。。。

メールの内容は「元気？赤ちゃんもうすぐだね。産まれたら教えてね。」

くそったれ。教えるもんか。

Chinami's birth 智七海の出産 （warning: graphic) (注意：少しグロい）

At around 2 am on July 11th, I woke up feeling a trickling sensation between my legs. I bunched up my pillow (I had been sleeping with a pillow between my legs to widen the hip area to prepare for birth) and shuffled over to the bathroom, and sure enough, there was a gush. I was half shocked, half excited. I cleaned up and shakily went into the computer room where Yasushi was and shakily went "I think my water broke". And he started to freak out a little bit going "What should we do? Call the midwife!" I called my midwife and doula and let them know what was going on, they both said get some sleep. Yasushi and I tried, but we were so excited it was hard to get to sleep. I was starting to have weak contractions about 7 minutes apart but managed to sleep between them somehow.
The next day I just stayed at home, going out a couple of times to walk and run last-minute errands. My contractions were still coming at 5-7 minutes, but nothing too intense. My midwife came over briefly in the evening to check baby's heartbeat and my blood pressure, and advised me to get as much sleep as possible that night, and if possible to go hiking in the morning. I tried to sleep as I did the previous night, but my contractions were getting stronger and I was awake more than I slept. I called my doula in the morning and asked her to come over for support as Yasushi had to leave for work. We ate breakfast, took a short walk in Waikiki, then a nap, then we went hiking at Manoa Falls. This really amped up my contractions and after we went home and I took a shower, they were still coming without slowing. They went to about 3-5 minutes apart and I started to need to use breathing and vocalization to cope with them. At one point, I went to the toilet, and the action of sitting on the toilet brought on a contraction so intense I literally jumped off and ran as soon as I was finished. My doula made me go back and ride out a few ones, as strong contractions would make me dilate faster. At around 6 pm, my doula informed me that I was in active labor. I still used coping techniques and my big white ball to combat the pain. At around 8:30, my doula asked the midwife to come over. and called Yasushi to let him know to try and come straight home at 9. Yasushi rushed home immediately.

Over the next few hours, the contractions got more and more intense and constant, I had almost no breaks between them at one point and was living on Emergen-C drinks and V-8 given to me through a straw by my doula and Yasushi. I went to the toilet periodically, but I mostly sweat out all the liquids before that. My doula urged me to eat, and I tried to oblige some frozen fruit, but every time a contraction hit my appetite was completely gone. They prepared the pool, which felt lovely but I felt like I wasn't progressing. My calm breathing and vocalizing through contractions turned into whining. I started having urges to push, which were worse than contractions because they didn't really do anything and were painful. They suggested a hot shower with Yasushi, which would usually get plenty of love hormones going, but I was having none of it. I was in a cycle of contracting, pushing, and whining about it. I was tired and cranky and wanted to do the whole push, pop out a human, and then revel in the happy afterglow. I laid down on the bed and tried to sleep! But of course who would be able to sleep in an active labor, 9 cm dilated to boot! So of course sleeping turned into a little cuddle with Yasushi, and then hoisting my leg up and giving a screaming push, tiring myself out, laying back down going "why isn't this working why won't she come out??" I would come "so close" and then run out of energy to push. I honestly doubted I could do this, and a few times I asked "do we have to go to the hospital?" My midwife used several techniques to get me to open up and stretch. 
I was in that "place" that every woman goes to when birthing. The "I can't do this, but if I don't this baby won't come out" phase....I wanted an easy way out so badly, if this were a hospital I would have been drugged and the baby pulled out a while ago. I felt so pathetic as I sat there and buried my head into Yasushi and asked my midwife and doula to help, and get her out of me already. They replied that she was almost out, and I was doing great work. Laying on the bed was not the most ideal position, but I was so tired out it was all I wanted to do. My midwife and doula tried a variety of other positions, birthing stool, etc, but I kept going back to the bed and hoisting up my leg and pushing. Her head had gone over my pubic bone, she was almost there. Finally, they suggested getting into a squat, with my doula sitting in a chair holding my arms and supporting my weight, and we tried that, and gravity seemed to help things along, but I still didn't have the strength to do it. 


I saw the sun start to come up outside....my doula and I had been up for almost 24 hours. I was ready to give up about 6 hours ago. It felt like torture. I kept pushing, putting every last ounce of my strength in it, but it wasn't enough. I looked pathetically at my midwife after pushing and shook my head. She smiled at me, and I remember thinking "why are you smiling at a time like this?" and I looked down, and the head was out. This was it. I screamed like some kind of animal and pushed through my exhaustion, pushed through the pain, I didn't care, she was coming out, NOW. And my midwife stepped in to help Yasushi catch her, and hand her to me, but my body was dead to the world. My doula helped me hold her low on my chest, still squatting because her umbilical cord was very short. Chinami had a fabulous conehead from all of the pushing, and I saw her thick black hair, and her pale little hands. She looked around quietly, letting out a few cries every now and then. The midwife and her assistant went to work quickly, rubbing her vigorously to make sure she coughed up all the fluid and making sure she was breathing. I looked in her eyes and knew she was absolutely fine and healthy. I put my finger in her little hand and she gripped it tightly. I looked in her eyes and could tell that she knew who I was and who Yasushi was. 


 My doula, Yasushi and everyone worked together to get me at least laying down on the bed with Chinami. I was still absolutely pathetic. I kept asking would delivering the placenta hurt, and were there any drugs I could take now, and could they numb me down there quickly, etc. The midwife and her assistant kept reassuring me that it would not hurt to deliver the placenta, and that they would numb me and give me a few different kinds of natural things to help the pain. I delivered the placenta, which they were right, it was uncomfortable but not painful. Then I got numbed and a few little stitches, while Chinami got her cord clamped and cut (by Yasushi again) and started to breastfeed. 


My midwife showed me the placenta and sac that raised Chinami for 9 months. She found something interesting that she had "never seen". The umbilical cord was not attached to the center of the placenta, it was attached to blood vessels that flowed to the placenta. I think this is called Velamentous cord insertion. If I had been in hospital care as opposed to midwife care, then the chances of it being made into a problem with all the inductions and threatened c-sections would have been very high.


My doula took the placenta to encapsulate it, but not before putting a chunk in a yummy berry-spirulina smoothie for me to have right away! This was not just to be adventurous, but because there are many benefits to ingesting placenta. The main benefits are reducing post-partum bleeding and increasing iron levels in the blood, and reducing the risk of post-partum depression, which with my history of never being able to donate blood due to low iron or low blood pressure, and depression and anxiety, this seemed like the right thing to do. 


The ladies cleaned up the place and gave me another check to see how I was recovering, I was bleeding quite a bit but nothing serious, my blood pressure was stable and so my midwife gave me a shot of pitocin to help my uterus contract before going home.


Chinami soon fell asleep, as did we. I was happy, but absolutely exhausted and in pain and wanted to recover quickly so I could focus on her as much as possible.


My recovery over the past few days has been great. I have been able to rest in my own bed with Chinami, and do everything at my own pace without nurses telling me when and where to do what. And since my mother wasn't around, I didn't have to deal with any loud and belligerent monologues about how my house is not good enough, I should have rented that place in Waikiki that was way over my budget, I should get a clothes dryer instead of hanging my laundry like I'm in Calcutta, how could I possibly not have a TV set, why don't I use an air conditioner, it's too hot, why do I put my mattress on the floor, why don't I have a crib for Chinami, I should n't have bought everything secondhand, etc, etc, etc....


And now a little reflection...
Birthing is hard. I didn't have a magical orgasmic water birth or a surprise birth in the kitchen, I was in the pushing stage for about 5 hours. If I had birthed at a hospital, I probably would have gladly accepted any intervention they gave after I reached my point of no return, and it might have been faster and even easier, but would it have been the best way? When Chinami came out, she was calm and happy, and she wasn't bathed, injected, or taken anywhere except straight to me and her daddy. Choosing a homebirth wasn't just about my comfort or health, it was for her as well. Taking that into consideration, I would definitely choose a homebirth again. 

          

Chinami "Tina" Born Friday, July 13th at home ♥7lbs 13 oz    22 inches

Daddy!

７月１１日の午前２時頃、足の間に何か水が出るような感じがして目が覚めました。出産に向かって骨盤を広げるために枕を足の間に挟んで寝てたから、その枕を持ってトイレに駆け込んだら、やっぱり破水でした。やすしがいたパソコンの部屋に行って、ちょっと震えながら「破水した。。。と思う。」と言った。やすしは少し騒いで、「どうしよう。。助産婦さんに電話しよう」と言った。助産婦に電話して報告しました。助産婦に今日は寝てって言われました。私とやすしはベッドに入ったけど、わくわくしてあまり寝られなかったんです。しかも、弱い陣痛も５－７分おきに来てました。でもなんとか寝る事ができました。

次の日は私は少し用事を済ませるために散歩に出かけたが、殆ど家にいました。夕方助産婦さんが家に来て赤ちゃんの心臓の音と、私の血圧だけ調べました。今夜もできるだけ多く寝て、明日できれば朝からハイキングでもしてってアドバイスしてくれました。寝ようと努力したけど、陣痛が強くなって来て、寝られなかったんです。朝になったらドゥーラーに電話して、やすしが仕事に行くからちょっと来てって頼みました。朝ご飯、ワイキキで散歩、と昼寝して、そしてマノアの滝でハイキングしました。ハイキングすることで陣痛がさらに強まって来て、家に帰ってからシャワー浴びてからでも強く、近くなってました。３－５分置きになって、呼吸と声を出すという方法で痛みを耐えてました。それからトイレ言った時に、トイレに座ることですごい強い陣痛が来て、トイレ終わったら逃げだしたこともありました。ドゥーラーにトイレに戻って、陣痛を耐えることをさせられました。陣痛が強ければ出産はどんどん近づくから、って。夕方の６時頃、ドゥーラーが本格に陣痛が来て、出産は近いと報告してくれました。様々な方法やでっかいしろいボールを使って痛みと戦いました。８時半頃ドゥーラーは助産婦さんに電話してくるように言ってくれて、それからやすしに電話して今夜の９時に仕事締めて帰って来た方がいいと言ったが、やすしはすぐに家に帰ってきました。

次の数時間、陣痛はもっと激しくなってきて、休む時間が殆どなくなってたんです。ドゥーラーとやすしはスポーツドリンクや野菜ジュースをストローで飲ませてくれてました。定期的にトイレにも行ってたが、汗が凄くてトイレで殆ど出てませんでした。ドゥーラーに食べるように言われて、冷凍のフルーツ少し口にしようとしてたが、陣痛がドンドンくることで食欲はなかったんです。お風呂の用意ができたら入って見ました。気持ちよかったけど、出産が進まない感じがして、疲れてまた出ました。体が息み始めて、痛かったんです。今まで呼吸したり声をだしたりしててリラックスして痛みを耐えることができたけど、それも段々と惨めな鳴き声みたいな感じになってました。助産婦さんがやすしとシャワー浴びるように指示しました。普通なら色んな愛のホルモンなどが出るはずだけど、私はもうその限界を超えてました。陣痛、息む、泣く、を繰り返しました。疲れて、機嫌が悪くて、もう息んで、赤ちゃんをポンと出して、幸せになりたい気持ちでした。ベッドで横になって寝ようとしました！でも９センチも開いてて陣痛来ても寝られる人間いないでしょう。そのかわりに少しやすしに抱えて、それから足をあげて叫んで息んで、疲れてまた横になって「どうして出てこないの？？」とつぶやくことが繰り返してました。息んで、惜しいとなってから力が抜いてしまったことが続いてました。出産って私にできるのと疑ってて、「やっぱり病院行かなきゃいけない？」と聞いてたこともありました。助産婦が頑張って、色んな開くテクニークを使ってました。

出産する女性はだれでも訪ねる場所に至ったんです。それは「無理、でも頑張らないと赤ちゃんは出てこない、」という場所です。簡単に終わらせる方法本当に欲しくなってました。これもし病院ならすでにドラッグ打たれて赤ちゃんをだしてくれたはず。。。やすしを抱きしめて、助産婦とドゥーラーにどうか助けてって惨めな声で言ってました。でもドゥーラーと助産婦はもうすぐ赤ちゃんが出る、私はすっごい頑張ってて偉いって応援してくれました。ベッドの上で息むのは理想的ではないが、疲れすぎて他の姿勢が嫌でした。助産婦さんとドゥーラーに手伝ってもらって色んな姿勢を少しやってみましたが、最後にいつもベッドに戻ってました。ちなみの頭は私の骨盤の所を超えたらしくて、あともうちょっとで出てくるって言われました。しゃがむことを指示されて、ドゥーラーは後ろから私の体重を支えながら私はしゃがんで、息みました。重力で少し進んだが、私にもう力はありませんでした。

外では太陽は昇ってた。。。私とドゥーラーはもう２４時間近く起きてました。私は６時間前くらいにもう諦めかけてました。体罰でもされてる気持ちでした。自分の中の力をかけて息んでたけど、足りなかったんです。助産婦に向かって、惨めな顔しながら首を横に振りました。助産婦はニコッとして、私は頭の中で「なんでこんな時にニコッてできるんだろう？」と問いかけました。下を見たら、頭は出てた。もうこれだ！と変な動物みたいに叫んでどんなに疲れても、痛くても、いいからとにかく出す、と息みました。そして助産婦さんが手伝いながら、やすしが娘を受け取って私に渡したけど、もう体が動けませんでした。ドゥーラーに支えてしゃがんでるまま受け取りました。へその緒が短かったのでまだ胸のところには抱っこできなかったんです。ちなみは長い出産のせいで頭が尖ってました。黒い髪の毛が沢山生えてて、手が白くて小さかったんです。静かに周りを見回って、小さい声で少し泣いたりもしてました。助産婦さんと手伝ってる人が体をこすって羊水をだして呼吸してることを確認しました。私はちなみの目を見て、元気だと自分の中で確認取りました。指をその小さい手に入れたら、強く握ってくれました。目を見てちゃんと私とやすしをわかってくれてる気がしました。

ドゥーラーとやすしと皆が力合わせてちなみと私をベッドに移動させました。私はまだ惨めなこと言ってました。胎盤を出すって痛いか、痛み止め飲んでいいか、あそこを麻痺させてくれるか、など。助産婦さん達が胎盤だすの痛くない、すぐ痛いのとれるからと言ってくれました。胎盤を出すのは痛くなかったんです。そして少し麻痺してあそこを少し縫ってもらってた時、やすしがへその緒を切って、ちなみは胸の所に来ておっぱいを飲み始めました。

助産婦さんがちなみを９ヶ月育ててくれた胎盤と袋などを見せてくれました。しかし自分で見た事ないというのがありました。へその緒は胎盤の真ん中ではなく、端の方にあると！もし病院に通ってたらこれは問題になってたんでしょう。そして薬で出産始められたり、帝王切開の可能性も高かったかと思います。

ドゥーラーが胎盤をピルにするために持って帰りましたが、その前にすこしベリーとスピルリナのスムージーに混ぜてくれました！これはただいつものように変なもの食べてみたいからではなく、胎盤を食べることって産後の体にすごくいいらしいんです。出血を少なくする、血液の鉄分を上げる、そして産後鬱の確率を減らします。私は血が薄くて献血できないし、低血圧で鉄分が低め、そして鬱とパニックもありましたから胎盤を食べるって凄く私には良い事だろうと思いました。

助産婦さん達はお片づけして、体調をチェックしました。出血はありましたけど血圧が安定してました。助産婦は子宮が縮むようにピトシンを注射して、帰りました。

ちなみはすぐに寝ました。私たちも寝ました。幸せでしたけど、疲労と痛みを早く乗り越えて世話したかったんです。

そして回復は順調です。自分のベッドでちなみと一緒に休むことができ、なんでも看護婦さんに言われる事などなく、自分のペースでできます。そして母もいないから、でっかい声で独り言みたいに、家が汚い、ワイキキで高いコンド借りればよかったのに、なんで乾燥機はなくてインドの貧乏な人みたいに洗濯を干すのか、どうしてテレビないのか、どうしてエアコンつかわないか、暑すぎだろう、どうして間とレスは床にあるか、どうしてちなみにベビーベッド買わないか、中古何か買わない方が良い、などなどと。。

そして少し思いました。

出産はつらいです。気持ち良さそうな魔法の水中出産なかったし、急に出た～というような出産もなかったし、実際に５時間ほど息んでたんです。もし病院で出産したなら、疲れてきたらきっとどんな薬だされても飲む気持ちでした。そしてきっと早くて、もっと楽でした。でもそれって一番いい方法なのかな。ちなみが出て来た時、とてもリラックスして幸せそうでした。そしてお風呂もなく、注射もなく、ただお父さんと私のそばにずっといただけです。家庭出産は自分の健康や気分に合わせて選んだのではなくて、ちなみのためにしました。それを考えてみれば、また次も家庭出産にしたいです。

Why I chose a homebirth. 私はどうして家庭出産を選んだか。

If you watch any mainstream American TV show, whether it be a sitcom, drama, or reality show, most likely any birth scene will be a terrifying, painful event to watch with women being rushed down halls on wheelchairs or stretchers, screaming in pain while laying on their backs and being told to push. 

Also, birthing in a hospital with doctors in attendance and all sorts of chemicals to make labor more timely and less painful is considered "normal" here. C-sections, necessary or elective, are rising. This is a fact. It's also a fact that the infant mortality rate in the US is higher than most other developed countries as well. 

I lived in Japan for a while, and natural birth is still favored by most, but "painless" American-style birth and unnecessary induction to fit around your doctor's golf schedule (or to prevent the baby from becoming "too big") is becoming more and more common there as well. 

I used to think that the medicalized and "modern" American way was the best way, and that natural birth was outdated and old-fashioned. However as I grew older I found more and more reasons to doubt the American medical industry, and the Japanese one as well. 

And when I got pregnant, of course I did get all the available tests to make sure I had a healthy baby. But after the tests results came back, something dawned on me. The baby and I were perfectly healthy. I had no known risk factors for disease or complications, genetic or otherwise. I practiced yoga for stress relief and exercise, and ate a healthy diet with plenty of vegetables and whole-grains, low in processed high-fat or high-sugar foods. Why in the world would I need to go to a hospital? 

I started to do some research about hospital births and all of the medical interventions in births today. I watched videos of homebirths, and watched the documentary "The Business of Being Born." The women in those videos weren't screaming in fear and agony, or being told to push. Rather, they were relaxed, prepared, and supported, and trusted their bodies to tell them when to push. When the baby was born, there were no bright lights, no screaming, the baby was relaxed and brought into the world surrounded by love. 

When I moved to Hawaii, I searched for a midwife and a doula. I found a wonderful doula who is bilingual in Japanese and English, perfect for supporting my husband and I through all stages of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. My midwife is a naturopathic doctor, and between the two of them they have experienced hundreds of births. 

In the beginning I admit that I was a little apprehensive. I mean, I felt fine, but was everything really OK? I had grown up hearing so many people moan and groan and tell "horror stories" about pregnancy and birth. So many people have had this problem or that problem or this complication. I had a little nausea and fatigue during my first trimester which cleared up when I hit the second trimester, and absolutely none of the common "issues" that people talk about. My midwife and doula said that I was perfectly healthy and this is normal, like over 90% of women.

That's right, over 90% of pregnant women are capable of having a natural birth with no interventions, for one simple reason: Childbirth is something that is controlled by your body. Your body knows its limits, so unless it's a very rare case, you cannot make a baby too big to be birthed by your body, and your body will not cause more pain than you are capable of handling (also, the body produces natural endorphins and painkillers during labor.) A hospital is not a place for normal, healthy women and children to go. 

A hospital is very rarely a calm, quiet, peaceful environment. The lights are bright, the rooms are sterile, and you have loads of people rushing up and down the halls, in and out of rooms, and lots of shouting and stressful situations around you. Stress, fear, and uncertainty can make any experience unpleasant and scary. Fear and anxiety has also been proven to make labor longer. Also, those interventions that make labor less painful and faster, actually have the opposite effect when compared to a natural birth. Pitocin intensifies contractions, which intensifies the pain as well to the point where the body cannot naturally cope with it anymore, leading to an epidural. The epidural then numbs the whole area, which is why women have to be told when to push; they cannot feel the natural urge. Also, having shots to the spine and IVs hooked up to her force a woman to be on her back and immobile, instead of assuming more natural positions that make it easier for the baby to come out. And C-sections are very rarely necessary when things are allowed to progress naturally. C-sections are often used as a copout when labor is too long and doctor wants to finish for the day, or if the doctor finds a tiny complication that he doesn't have the experience to deal with And if they do a C-section, then they did "all they could" and it's a good way to avoid a lawsuit. 

After the baby is born, there is a slew of hospital procedures that are simply not good for mother and baby. Many hospitals clamp the cord almost immediately, stopping the flow of the precious blood to the baby. Recently mothers are encouraged to save the cord blood and bank it because of the minute possibility that it might help them or others fight a disease at some point later in life, but the baby needs the cord blood in their body. The lack of the cord blood leads to a chance of vitamin K deficiency, which means baby needs an injection. They also put drops in the baby's eyes, and bathe the baby to wash off the vernix and make him or her more "presentable" to mommy. However, simply leaving the vernix on the skin as long as possible nourishes and protects baby's skin against bacteria. Also, the baby finds mother's breasts by sense of smell--the amniotic fluid left on their body has the same scent as the breasts. In a homebirth, baby is simply placed on the mother's chest for as long as possible after being born. That is the most natural and best way for the baby to adjust to the outside world, by smelling and hearing the environment they were raised for 9 months in. But in a hospital, bonding time is short as the baby is soon moved to a separate room to cry for a few hours. 

I am not choosing a homebirth to go against the grain, to show everyone how "brave" I am, or because it is how people birthed for thousands of years and the old way is the best way. I also do not believe hospital births are all bad, depending on the woman's situation a hospital birth might be a better choice for her. There are situations where medical intervention is necessary. But a home birth is a very safe option for many women, who unfortunately are never told that. 

Maybe if people were able to choose between a homebirth or a hospital birth, and people took into consideration what other countries with lower infant mortality rates are doing, I wouldn't feel like I have to explain or justify my choice. But until homebirth becomes a normal, healthy option for normal, healthy pregnancies, there will have to be groups advocating it. 

For more information, beautiful stories and pictures visit BirthWithoutFear.com and BringBirthHome.com. An interesting note, a lot of people seem to choose homebirth after a hospital birth for 2nd and 3rd children, but not many people choose a hospital birth after a homebirth. Something to think about. 

大体どんなアメリカのテレビ番組を見ても、出産が恐ろしい、痛そうと思わされるシーンになるでしょう。女性が車いすかストレッチャーで慌てて叫びながら病院の部屋まで連れて行かれたり、仰向けになって赤ちゃんを出して、出してって周りから指導されてる。

そして、病院で先生と、出産が早くなって無痛にできる科学物を使ってするのが普通と思われます。必要や、選んだ帝王切開が増えてます。そして死産も増えてます。

私が何年日本に住んでました。日本では自然出産はまだ多いですが、アメリカ風の無痛出産や必要ない誘発（先生のゴルフのスケジュールに合わせるためや、赤ちゃんが大きくなりすぎないようにと言って）が増えてます。

私は昔、医学的で現代的なアメリカのやりかたが一番で、自然出産が古くさいと思い込んでました。しかし年を取ると、アメリカの医学や日本の医学を疑う理由がいくつも現れました。

そして私も妊娠した時、最初はもちろん赤ちゃんの健康を確認するために色んな検査をしました。でも検査の結果を聞いたら、ある考えが頭に浮かんだんです。私と赤ちゃんが完璧に健康だ。病気や難産になるリスクがほとんどないんです。ストレス発散にヨーガをやったり、歩いて運動したりして、脂肪分や糖分が多い食事殆どせず、野菜や穀物たくさんの健康的な食生活もしてました。どうして私って病院なんかに行かなきゃいけないの？

そして私はいろいろ病院や出産について調べました。家庭出産のビデオもみたり、The Business of Being Bornというドキューメンタリーも見ました。そのビデオで見た女性達は出産の時怖そう痛そうに狂って叫んだり、出してと言われたりしなかった。赤ちゃんが出てきたら眩しい電気、叫ぶ声などなく、赤ちゃんがリラックスしてて愛に包まれて世に出てきました。

ハワイに引っ越して、早速助産婦とドゥーラーを探しました。私と旦那二人をサポートしてくれる日本語と英語ができるドゥーラー

見つけました。そして助産婦は自然医学の先生です。二人合わせて出産の経験が何百件に及びます。

最初は少し不安でした。私は大丈夫だと思うけど、本当に大丈夫かな？って。小さい時から女性から妊娠や出産について文句や怖い話しか聞いた事がなかったです。この問題やあの問題やあの難産。自分の場合最初の３ヶ月位だけ少しつわりがあって、お腹が少し気持ち悪くなったり、疲れやすかったりしただけです。４ヶ月目からつわりなどつらいこと全くなくて、いつも聞いた問題なども一つも出なかったんです。助産婦とドゥーラーの話に寄ると、私が女性の９０％位と同じく、健康で普通の妊娠してますって。

そうです。女性の９０％以上は病院などに頼る事なく、自然に出産ができるそうです。理由は簡単です。出産は体がするものです。体は自分の限界がわかるので、本当に珍しいケース以外は大きすぎて出産できない赤ちゃんを作らないし、自分で耐えられないほどの痛みも作らないんです。（しかも自然のホルモンや成分で無痛効果もあります）普通に健康な女性と赤ちゃんは病院に行くべきじゃないと思います。

病院といえば、平和的で、静かな、落ち着いた環境ではないでしょう。電気が眩しくて、部屋は殺菌されて、いつでも廊下や部屋に色んな人が慌てて入ったり出たりしてて、叫び声も聞こえてストレスが高いところです。ストレス、恐怖と不安があればどんな経験でも不愉快で怖くなるはずです。そして医学で出産が無痛になったり早くなったりすることもないです。自然出産と比べたら反対の効果が見えます。ピトシンは陣痛を強めるんですけど、その痛みも体が耐えられないほど強めます。そして無痛注射が必要です。無痛注射すると、下半身が痺れまて、赤ちゃんをいつ出せるかもわからなくなります。そしてIVや注射してると女性もベッドの上で動かないで仰向けにならなければいけないんです。それは赤ちゃんを出すのに一番不自然な姿勢です。そして出産を自然に時間を掛けてすれば、帝王切開の必要は殆どないです。病院では、帝王切開をする時は出産が長くなって先生が家に帰りたいとか、少し問題があって先生が対応する能力が低いという場合が多いです。そして帝王切開が病院側でできる最終の手段で、訴えても強い言い訳になります。

赤ちゃんが出てきてからもお母さんと赤ちゃんにあまりよくない手順もあります。まずはへその緒をすぐに締めて、血の流れを止めます。へその緒の中の血はプラセンタから色んな栄養や酸素を赤ちゃんに運んでくれますので凄く大事な血です。最近はへその緒の血を大人になってから難病の治療に使えるという研究もあって、そのために高いお金払って保存するということもよく進められてますが、その血は赤ちゃんの体に一番必要です。そしてへその緒の血がないのでビタミンK不足になる可能性が高いので、注射します。目薬などもします。そして赤ちゃんをもっと可愛くするために、すぐ体を洗います。しかし肌には必要な保護物質がついてますのでしばらく洗わないほうがいいです。そして、胎内とおっぱいは同じ匂いがしてて、赤ちゃんがその匂いでおっぱいを探して飲み始めます。その必要な成分を洗い流すとおっぱいも探しにくいでしょう。家庭出産の場合、赤ちゃんがでたらすぐにお母さんの胸の所におかれて、しばらくそのまま赤ちゃんとお母さんの絆を作ります。それが赤ちゃんが外の世界になれるのに一番いい方法です。でも病院では赤ちゃんをお母さんの元から離して別の部屋で赤ちゃんがしばらく泣くのが普通です。

私が何かを反抗したいとか、格好付けたいとか、昔のやり方だから一番いいと思ってるから家庭出産を選んだ訳じゃありません。そして病院の出産は必ず悪い物だと思ってません。色んな状況によって病院出産の方が安全な時もあります。医学が必要な場合はあります。でも家庭出産も多くの女性には安全です。しかし多くの女性はそれがわからないんです。

もし、もっと自由に病院出産か家庭出産を選ぶ事ができて、死産の確率が低い他の国の人はどうしてるかを考える人がもっといれば、私はここまで説明する必要はないでしょう。でも普通で健康な妊娠に普通で健康な家庭出産が選べるようになるまでは、応援するグループもいなきゃいけないんです。

体験談や写真見たければBirthWithoutFear.comとBringBirthHome.comをご覧ください。そして参考に、多くの人は病院出産を経験してから二人目や三人目の時家庭出産を選んでますが、反対に家庭出産を経験して病院出産を選ぶ人が少ないんです。

edit: 9/12/12

The Business of Being Born link is dead. However you can watch this other documentary "Pregnant in America"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yEcYSMmJrw8