2012年7月28日土曜日

英語でごめんなさい。

この前のブログですが、母からのメールやインターネットの研究などが全部英語で、翻訳するのが面倒になって英語のままにしました。
ここで少し解説だけしておきます。
23日のブログに、母からのメールの事を書きました。そのメールの内容は、まず「人生の中数回怒ってしまって酷いことしてしまったかもしれない。謝る」ということ。数回でもなかったし、酷いことしたのではなく、虐待と暴力したってなぜ言えないんだろう。
そして母によると、私がブログで「裏表」「ナルシスト」などのキャラ付けた、でも同じメールで「ブログが友達の前で恥ずかしい思いをさせた」「自分の問題を親のせいにしてるだけ」などと言って、母のイメージを「鬼」や「最悪」などにしています。そしてブログの内容が嘘だと言ってます。
ブログの内容は自分の思い出です。嘘は書いてません。高校生時代に書いた日記も嘘ではないです。鬱とパニックになって、自殺もしようとしたことが本当です。周りの友達などに聞いてみれば。。。
このメールの中でも母は私が十年代の時私が「態度悪い」「性格悪い」「くそ女」などと書いてます。でも私が日記やブログを書く時、親に対しては殆どそういう傷つけるような言葉使わないんです。ただ親が私にやったこと、言った事を書いただけです。
母が「十年代の時は態度悪くて親をバカにしたばかり。親が怖いという子供の態度ではない」と強調してる。
私が言えば嘘だから、調べてきました。
言葉の暴力の定義、
虐待された子供や十年代の平均な態度、
十年代うつの症状
全部当てはまります。

母はいつかちなみに会いたいと言った。いつか自分がカウンセリング受けて治療すれば会えるかもしれない。

そして、赤ちゃんの時のアルバムは捨ててないって。他に実家に残ってた物は、私がいらないだろうから、と捨てた。そうだったかな?フェスブックでは「もう人生から消すの嬉しい。もう振り返っても殆ど見えない〜」ということでしたけど。。。

そして24日に、またメール来ました。母の本音です。


友達に叫びを無視して、ブログ見るのやめて、と言われたけど、聞かないでみちゃった。一つ言うけど、それで最後にする。あんたの文句、嘘、と傷つける言葉は前より痛くなくなった。6000マイル離れててもう一緒会わないで済むから嬉しい。もう二度とブログ見ない。
私はカウンセリングなどはいらない。数年前にやって、あんた何かより自分の問題を上手に解決できてる。あんたどうして私にそう言えると思ってるの?何か知ってるみたいに。何も知らないんだろう。いい家庭を持つのちゃんと覚えなかったし、掃除や家庭を持つ事やレディーでいること覚えてない。ただの最低な豚。いい人のふりをしてるくそ女は全部間違ってる、そしてあんたはカウンセリングなんか受けるべきだよ。でもカウンセリング受けても先生に嘘ばかりをいうだろう。
こうなったからあんたとあんたの子供にさよならと気持ちよく言えるね。もう私の人生から出て行け、私も一生あんたと関わらない。遺言を書き直して遺産もあんたにやらない。
今お父さんと私は弁護士との予約をして、このブログを止めようと活動してる。自分は言いたい事なんでも言えるわけじゃない。証拠もないし、全部嘘ばかり書いてるだけ。このごみと嘘を消して、やめないと、裁判で訴えてお金全部取るから。虐待と私たちの事を早く消して。もう私はあんたと関係終わった、もうあんたの問題を全部私のせいにする行動と気持ち悪い病気はいらない。
あんたは小さい時から社交的な問題あった。虐待のせいじゃない。ブログ1,000つそう書いても現実にならない。
このメールもブログに載せたら??そしてこのブログを見た友人全員があんたの嘘s信じないって。あんたが可哀想で治療受けた方がいいって。私を知ってる人が皆私の見方だって。でもあんたは知らない人に信じてもらって、可哀想とか思われてるんだね。それ楽しいだろう。
そして、あんたもくそったれ。

また言いますけど、このブログは自分の経験したことを書いて、自分が強くなるためにも、他の人の力になれたらいいなと思った。ここで書いたことは私の人生の中のエピソード、そしてその中親にされた事や言われた事です。そしてここで書いた言葉は実際に言ったと親が自分で確認しました。それはただ子供と十年代に態度や性格があまりに悪くて言って「しつけ」するしかなかったという事を強調してたんです。
でも大げさに言ったり、母を「最悪」みたいに見せたりすることはしてません。自分が感情のコントロールが下手だから家族としてやって行くならカウンセリング受けて欲しいと言いました。でも母が私に言ったような傷つける言葉は使ってません。そしてこの載せる許可もくれたメールでは、本音を明確に書きました。

「社交的に問題がある子供」を見て、助けるより「気違い」「狂ってる」「性格悪い」と言い続ける母ってどうなの?
そして「くそ女」「最低」など言って子供が泣いたり、パニックになったりするの目の前で見てまったく同情しない母ってどうなの?しかも母が同じ経験をしたと言うし。
そして自分の子供は赤ちゃんがいて、家庭の収入は政府から保険や食べ物貰えるほど低いと知ってて、ホームレスにさせると言ってるみたいに脅す母ってどうなの?

ちなみをみたら、この世界いっぱいほどの愛情しか感じない。この時点ではどんなお母さんになるという約束は言えないけど、こんなお母さんにならない位の約束は言える。




2012年7月24日火曜日

Guess who this mail is from?



Well, my friends all told me to ignore your rantings, and stop reading your blog, but I didn't listen and there I went. I will say one more thing: that is the last time I do it. Your rotten whining, lying, and insulting words do not sting as much as they did, they just make me glad that you live 6000 miles away and that I never have to see you again Your blog will not be read by me ever again.
I do not need to get "help"...actually I did that years ago with more success than you are having coping with your issues in life. How dare you preach to me that way....like somehow you have all the answers. You have none of the answers. You never learned how to keep a nice home, to clean and take care of a home and be a real lady-instead you are a low class pig.  You are a sanctimonious jerk who has it all wrong-and you are the one who needs psychiatric help and very badly. But I'm sure the lies you tell any therapist will color your treatment and prevent any real truth from being said or dealt with.
At this point I am finally very comfortable saying goodbye to you and any offspring you may ever have. Stay away from me and I will never have anything to do with you. I am even going to rewrite my will and cut you out completely.
At the moment, your father and I have an appointment with an attorney for a cease and desist order to stop the continuous slander and filth you have put on the internet. We definitely have a case as your words are not proof of anything and you cannot say whatever you want in a public forum as you have been doing for months. We plan to sue you for every dime you have if you do not stop, and remove the filth you have already put out there. I am not kidding and strongly suggest that you remove all references to us and abuse and soon. I am finished with you and have lost any tolerance I still had for your warped, sick obsession with blaming me for your problems.
You had social and interactive problems all along as a child and teen, they were not caused by abuse, and you can write that they were in 1000 blogs and that will not make it so.
Go ahead, quote this in your blog for your readers. I have spoken to every one of my friends who has read your blog-guess what? They don't buy your lies-they all to a person feel sorry for you and think that you are sick and need treatment. You have no credibility with anyone who knows me and they are not on your side.
The strangers who don't know any better and believe your bullshit will let you play out your fantasy as a poor mistreated victim. So go ahead-enjoy yourself.
And guess what? FUCK YOU TOO.

First, I will state again, my blog is for me to share my experiences to help others and become stronger myself. What I have written here is an account of my life, including what my parents did and said to me growing up. They have verified that the words I quoted from them were in fact theirs, by trying to justify them and saying that my attitude and behavior as a child and teenager warranted such "discipline".

But as far as exaggerating and depicting my mother as a "horrible monster", I have done nothing of the sort. I did state that she could not control her emotions, and needed help if we were going to move on as a family. However I have not used hurtful, insulting terms to describe her as she has repeatedly done to me. And in this mail (which she even gave me permission to publish), she has made her true feelings very obvious to anyone who reads it.

I wonder, what kind of mother would watch their child struggle with "social problems" and instead of trying to help them and connect with them, call them names like "wacko" "mental patient" and tell them they have "no personality"?
And what kind of mother would call her child a "jerk" and an "asshole" and watch them cry, or watch them have a panic attack and offer no empathy whatsoever, even if they had been through the exact same thing themselves?
And what kind of mother, knowing full well that their child had a newborn baby and had a household income that qualified her for Medicare and WIC, would threaten to essentially put them on the streets?

When I look at Chinami, I feel nothing but all the love in the world for her. At this point I can't really make promises about what kind of mother I'll be, but I can promise what kind of mother I will not be.





2012年7月23日月曜日

I got a mail from my "mother" about my blog post. She claims that she apologized for the "few times she lost her temper and was mean to me". It was more than a few, and a lot more serious than just being "mean". Being mean is laughing at someone when they trip and fall. Why doesn't she use the real word "abuse" here? 


She claims I characterized her as vain, selfish and phony, and in the same email goes on about how I "humiliated her in front of her friends", "dramatically exaggerate" and "blame my issues on them". She tells me my blog is "one-sided" and "mean spirited" and "full of untruths", and I characterized her as "horrible" and a "monster." 


Everything I wrote in my blog is true, to my own recollection. The words my parents said to me that I recorded in my diaries as a teenager were true. My battle with anxiety and depression and my suicide attempt(s) are also true, there are several people that witnessed the pain I was in. 


Even in this most recent email, my own mother describes me during my teenage years as "sullen," "nasty," and "a total ass". But in all my diaries and blogs, I never resorted to using such insulting and degrading words to describe them. I am just telling the truth about what they said and did to me. My mother (and father) use the excuse "You were hostile to us, therefore you were not afraid of us, therefore we did not abuse you."


Since everything I write is a lie and hyperbole, I decided to do some research.




Emotional abuse -TeenHelp






The main types of emotional abuse include:
  • Verbal assault. Your parent/s verbally assault you in every way possible. They may blow your flaws out of proportion, make fun of you, call you names, berate you, scream at you, threaten you or criticize you. They may blame you for everything or humiliate you with sarcasm and endless insults. Over time, this type of abuse can completely destroy a person's feelings of self worth and self esteem.
  • Emotional neglect. Your parent may supply you with all of your physical and material needs, but completely neglect your emotional ones. They may show no love oraffection, continually ignore you, or refuse to support you during times of emotional need.
  • Invalidation. Closely linked and overlapped with emotional neglect, invalidation occurs when the victim's feelings and needs are completely invalidated, usually with harmful intent. A good example is when the victim tries to confront the parent/s about the abuse; the child may be told “I never do that”, “You think too much”, “You shouldn’t be upset about that”, or “You are exaggerating.” The abuser usually controls the victim’s emotions by telling the victim that those feelings and opinionsare wrong, by continually ignoring and rejecting emotional needs, and making the victim feel as though there is something wrong with him/her. Invalidation can also be done passively, for example, when a victim tries to confide in a parent about a problem and is told that the problem is not really an issue, or that the child should simply get over it. Invalidation is particularly damaging, as it leads the victim to think that s/he is wrong, stupid to feel this way, undeserving of any feelings at all.








How to spot emotional abuse
1 - overly shy, obedient, and submissive to others
3 - lacks confidence and has low self-esteem
8 - exhibits self-destructing behavior  - bites, pinches or cuts self
9 - finds it difficult to make friends, is overly clingy to people he is close to
15 - low self-esteem, constantly thinks bad or low about oneself
16 - Exhibits abasement behavior by blaming oneself about any negative events of his life
17 - Shows excessive depression to any type of rejection and lacks motivation in trying to correct that failure.
18 - Feels desperate and hopeless about life and neglects his personal looks and hygiene.
19 - Demonstrates sadness by isolating oneself, constantly crying, and getting into arts like music and poetry containing negative themes (such as death and hatred)
20 - Displays bitterness and lacks connection among others, whether it be friends or family
21 - Overly secretive and has difficulty in expressing ones feelings, believing that nobody ever listens to him.




How to talk to your moody teen
I found this interesting...
4 - Offer your support and be available for him when he needs to talk. Find time each day to talk and listen to what he has to share. Do not judge or jump on lecturing him.  
My parents judged and lectured on things like my taste in music and TV shows!
6 - Show respect to him and his friends. He will feel more comfortable confiding and talking to you. 
My friends were described as fat, ugly, talentless losers (like me) most of the time. Not exactly respect. 


How to help your depressed teen
In many cases, parents or other adults fail to acknowledge the fact that teenagers can, and do, get depressed. They tend to write off the moody, sullen teenager as acting out or one who is simply unhappy about something.


With teenagers, certain symptoms are likely to be present that are not normally found in depressed adults:
  • Excessive sensitivity to criticism. Depressed teens tend to have strong feelings of worthlessness, which makes them highly sensitive to criticism, failure and rejection.
  • Angry or irritable mood. Instead of being sad like most adults with depression, teens tend to be irritable, grumpy, hostile and frustrated.
  • Withdrawing from some people. Adults are more prone to isolate themselves from everyone when they are depressed, but teenagers tend to withdraw more selectively. With teenagers, they may start hanging out with different types of people, pulling away from their parents or socialize less frequently than they normally do.
My mother says she hopes to meet Chinami one day. Maybe if she seeks help and resolves her own issues like I did, she can. 

Oh, and she didn't throw away the baby book for some reason. She threw away everything else because "I didn't want it". Slightly different story from " I am so over and done with her that I can hardly see her any more in my rear view mirror. Tossed out any and everything I find of hers-wiping her out of my life and not looking back." (quoted from Facebook, one of the comments she conveniently erased)



2012年7月21日土曜日

Life with Chinami: the first week 智七海と最初の一週間













postpartum tummy!


Today Chinami is one week old! And I have been a mommy for one week! Everything has been going great, maybe even too great!
Between eating well, taking the placenta pills, and taking small naps with Chinami, my recovery has been great! It's only been a week but I am ready to put her in a sling and walk here and there! But my midwife and doula warned me to take it easy, because it is possible to get worse after getting better, and I have someone to look after now.

Breastfeeding has been as easy and textbook as my pregnancy. Latch her on after birth, latch her on whenever she shows signs of being hungry (not just crying) and then my milk came in on the 3rd day and she is always satisfied after a nursing session, and I can even hand express a little bit! I think my placenta capsules, brewer's yeast powder, and mother's milk tea help things along as well.

At night, I can nurse her while laying down in my bed, because she sleeps with us! This was a no-brainer because in Japan cosleeping is perfectly normal, and doesn't kill babies like certain American media might try and tell you. Breastfeeding and cosleeping together actually dramatically reduce the chance of SIDS.

And if Chinami cries or is a little bit fussy after feeding and changing her nappy, Yasushi or I simply hold her close, give her kisses and tell her we love her and she falls asleep with a smile on her face.

Every time I look at Chinami, I'm reminded of all my love for her, and everything I have done and will do for her.

I've already started to compile a little photo album, with ultrasound pics, first footprint, umbilical cord, etc. And I'm reminded of how my own mother said she had thrown everything of mine away, and was glad to. When I went home, I took my own baby book out of storage and looked at it. It was in the guest room when we left. To think that she can throw it out and be happy with herself disgusts me to no end. And I question the character of anyone who can still remain friends with someone who would say in one breath that her daughter has a mental illness, and in the next brag about discarding her. And my father still believes that I am in the wrong, that she is the real victim, poor her, being abused by her mother, trying her best to raise me but accidentally abusing me, suffering from depression, and having me "publicly humiliate her" maliciously. He took part in destroying my self-confidence by constantly telling me how horrible and stupid I and my friends were and how I had no talent, and my dreams of being a teacher so I could inspire children were just great because those who can't do, teach.

In all the emails, he never hinted that they might have been wrong. He never apologized. Just tried to put all the blame on me, while saying I "have a right to feel how I do" but implying that he was not wrong.
And then a few days ago I got an email from him. As if everything had magically disappeared, it was just a dream, they were perfect parents all along and I never cried myself to sleep at night wondering why they hated me so much.....
The mail simply read "How are you? The baby must be coming at any moment. Please let me know."
Fuck you. 



今日でちなみは生後一週間です!!そして私もママになって1週間です!
全部上手く行ってます!良すぎるかもしれない!!
ちゃんと食べて、胎盤のカプセルを飲んで、ちなみと一緒に昼寝したりすることで、回復も順調です!たった一週間しか経ってないのにもうスリングに入れて散歩したいです!でも助産婦とドゥーラーに良くなったと思ってもまた悪化することもあるし、お世話しなきゃいけない人もいるから、ほどほどにしてって言われました。

授乳は妊娠と同じく、順調で楽です!出産後は吸わせて、お腹空いたかなと思ったら吸わせて、そして三日後に母乳が出ました!ちなみはおっぱいを飲んでからいつも満足そうな顔してるし、手でしぼっても出ます!胎盤のカプセルとビール酵母とハーブティーの効果もあるかな?

夜になったらちなみは一緒に寝るからベッドで横になったまま授乳できます!これは日本では普通なことなので、悩まずに決められたんです。アメリカでは赤ちゃんは大人と寝ると死ぬ、という噂などありますけど、本当は母乳と一緒に寝ることって、赤ちゃんを守ります。

そしておっぱいあげても、オムツ変えてもちなみが泣いてしまう時は、やすしか私が抱っこして、チュして愛してるよと言えば、ちなみはニコッとして寝てくれます。

ちなみを見る度に愛を思い出す、そして今までちなみのためにしたこと、これからすることも頭に浮かぶ。

エコーの写真、足形、へその緒などが入ってるアルバムを作ってます。そして自分の母が私の物全部捨てて嬉しかったって言ったの思い出しました。実家に帰ってた時、自分の赤ちゃんの時のアルバムを押し入れからだして、見て、私たちが寝てた部屋において行きました。。母はそれも捨てて喜ぶなんて最低です。そして娘が病気と言い、娘を捨てたと同時に言う人と友達でいられる人の性格も本当に疑います。そして父はまだ私が間違ってると信じてるみたいです。母が可哀想、自分の母に暴力されて、できるだけよく私を育てようとして、そして鬱になってしまって、そして娘の私にブログで恥かけられて。。。そして父は私と友達が最悪、馬鹿だ、才能がない、と言い続けて自信を壊して、私が子供にやる気を与えたくて先生になりたいと言ったら先生は才能ない人多いからいいんじゃないと言いました。

そして父のメールでは両親は間違ってる可能性なんてあり得ないみたいな態度してます。しかも、謝らないんです。私のせいにして、私の気持ちは自由だなどと言ってます。
そして数日前にまたメールきました。何もなかったみたいに。。。全部が夢で、両親が本当は完璧で、私はどうして両親に嫌われてるのって眠りにつくまで泣いた事もないような。。。
メールの内容は「元気?赤ちゃんもうすぐだね。産まれたら教えてね。」
くそったれ。教えるもんか。



2012年7月18日水曜日

Chinami's birth 智七海の出産 (warning: graphic) (注意:少しグロい)





At around 2 am on July 11th, I woke up feeling a trickling sensation between my legs. I bunched up my pillow (I had been sleeping with a pillow between my legs to widen the hip area to prepare for birth) and shuffled over to the bathroom, and sure enough, there was a gush. I was half shocked, half excited. I cleaned up and shakily went into the computer room where Yasushi was and shakily went "I think my water broke". And he started to freak out a little bit going "What should we do? Call the midwife!" I called my midwife and doula and let them know what was going on, they both said get some sleep. Yasushi and I tried, but we were so excited it was hard to get to sleep. I was starting to have weak contractions about 7 minutes apart but managed to sleep between them somehow.
The next day I just stayed at home, going out a couple of times to walk and run last-minute errands. My contractions were still coming at 5-7 minutes, but nothing too intense. My midwife came over briefly in the evening to check baby's heartbeat and my blood pressure, and advised me to get as much sleep as possible that night, and if possible to go hiking in the morning. I tried to sleep as I did the previous night, but my contractions were getting stronger and I was awake more than I slept. I called my doula in the morning and asked her to come over for support as Yasushi had to leave for work. We ate breakfast, took a short walk in Waikiki, then a nap, then we went hiking at Manoa Falls. This really amped up my contractions and after we went home and I took a shower, they were still coming without slowing. They went to about 3-5 minutes apart and I started to need to use breathing and vocalization to cope with them. At one point, I went to the toilet, and the action of sitting on the toilet brought on a contraction so intense I literally jumped off and ran as soon as I was finished. My doula made me go back and ride out a few ones, as strong contractions would make me dilate faster. At around 6 pm, my doula informed me that I was in active labor. I still used coping techniques and my big white ball to combat the pain. At around 8:30, my doula asked the midwife to come over. and called Yasushi to let him know to try and come straight home at 9. Yasushi rushed home immediately.
Over the next few hours, the contractions got more and more intense and constant, I had almost no breaks between them at one point and was living on Emergen-C drinks and V-8 given to me through a straw by my doula and Yasushi. I went to the toilet periodically, but I mostly sweat out all the liquids before that. My doula urged me to eat, and I tried to oblige some frozen fruit, but every time a contraction hit my appetite was completely gone. They prepared the pool, which felt lovely but I felt like I wasn't progressing. My calm breathing and vocalizing through contractions turned into whining. I started having urges to push, which were worse than contractions because they didn't really do anything and were painful. They suggested a hot shower with Yasushi, which would usually get plenty of love hormones going, but I was having none of it. I was in a cycle of contracting, pushing, and whining about it. I was tired and cranky and wanted to do the whole push, pop out a human, and then revel in the happy afterglow. I laid down on the bed and tried to sleep! But of course who would be able to sleep in an active labor, 9 cm dilated to boot! So of course sleeping turned into a little cuddle with Yasushi, and then hoisting my leg up and giving a screaming push, tiring myself out, laying back down going "why isn't this working why won't she come out??" I would come "so close" and then run out of energy to push. I honestly doubted I could do this, and a few times I asked "do we have to go to the hospital?" My midwife used several techniques to get me to open up and stretch. 
I was in that "place" that every woman goes to when birthing. The "I can't do this, but if I don't this baby won't come out" phase....I wanted an easy way out so badly, if this were a hospital I would have been drugged and the baby pulled out a while ago. I felt so pathetic as I sat there and buried my head into Yasushi and asked my midwife and doula to help, and get her out of me already. They replied that she was almost out, and I was doing great work. Laying on the bed was not the most ideal position, but I was so tired out it was all I wanted to do. My midwife and doula tried a variety of other positions, birthing stool, etc, but I kept going back to the bed and hoisting up my leg and pushing. Her head had gone over my pubic bone, she was almost there. Finally, they suggested getting into a squat, with my doula sitting in a chair holding my arms and supporting my weight, and we tried that, and gravity seemed to help things along, but I still didn't have the strength to do it. 


I saw the sun start to come up outside....my doula and I had been up for almost 24 hours. I was ready to give up about 6 hours ago. It felt like torture. I kept pushing, putting every last ounce of my strength in it, but it wasn't enough. I looked pathetically at my midwife after pushing and shook my head. She smiled at me, and I remember thinking "why are you smiling at a time like this?" and I looked down, and the head was out. This was it. I screamed like some kind of animal and pushed through my exhaustion, pushed through the pain, I didn't care, she was coming out, NOW. And my midwife stepped in to help Yasushi catch her, and hand her to me, but my body was dead to the world. My doula helped me hold her low on my chest, still squatting because her umbilical cord was very short. Chinami had a fabulous conehead from all of the pushing, and I saw her thick black hair, and her pale little hands. She looked around quietly, letting out a few cries every now and then. The midwife and her assistant went to work quickly, rubbing her vigorously to make sure she coughed up all the fluid and making sure she was breathing. I looked in her eyes and knew she was absolutely fine and healthy. I put my finger in her little hand and she gripped it tightly. I looked in her eyes and could tell that she knew who I was and who Yasushi was. 


 My doula, Yasushi and everyone worked together to get me at least laying down on the bed with Chinami. I was still absolutely pathetic. I kept asking would delivering the placenta hurt, and were there any drugs I could take now, and could they numb me down there quickly, etc. The midwife and her assistant kept reassuring me that it would not hurt to deliver the placenta, and that they would numb me and give me a few different kinds of natural things to help the pain. I delivered the placenta, which they were right, it was uncomfortable but not painful. Then I got numbed and a few little stitches, while Chinami got her cord clamped and cut (by Yasushi again) and started to breastfeed. 


My midwife showed me the placenta and sac that raised Chinami for 9 months. She found something interesting that she had "never seen". The umbilical cord was not attached to the center of the placenta, it was attached to blood vessels that flowed to the placenta. I think this is called Velamentous cord insertion. If I had been in hospital care as opposed to midwife care, then the chances of it being made into a problem with all the inductions and threatened c-sections would have been very high.


My doula took the placenta to encapsulate it, but not before putting a chunk in a yummy berry-spirulina smoothie for me to have right away! This was not just to be adventurous, but because there are many benefits to ingesting placenta. The main benefits are reducing post-partum bleeding and increasing iron levels in the blood, and reducing the risk of post-partum depression, which with my history of never being able to donate blood due to low iron or low blood pressure, and depression and anxiety, this seemed like the right thing to do. 


The ladies cleaned up the place and gave me another check to see how I was recovering, I was bleeding quite a bit but nothing serious, my blood pressure was stable and so my midwife gave me a shot of pitocin to help my uterus contract before going home.


Chinami soon fell asleep, as did we. I was happy, but absolutely exhausted and in pain and wanted to recover quickly so I could focus on her as much as possible.


My recovery over the past few days has been great. I have been able to rest in my own bed with Chinami, and do everything at my own pace without nurses telling me when and where to do what. And since my mother wasn't around, I didn't have to deal with any loud and belligerent monologues about how my house is not good enough, I should have rented that place in Waikiki that was way over my budget, I should get a clothes dryer instead of hanging my laundry like I'm in Calcutta, how could I possibly not have a TV set, why don't I use an air conditioner, it's too hot, why do I put my mattress on the floor, why don't I have a crib for Chinami, I should n't have bought everything secondhand, etc, etc, etc....


And now a little reflection...
Birthing is hard. I didn't have a magical orgasmic water birth or a surprise birth in the kitchen, I was in the pushing stage for about 5 hours. If I had birthed at a hospital, I probably would have gladly accepted any intervention they gave after I reached my point of no return, and it might have been faster and even easier, but would it have been the best way? When Chinami came out, she was calm and happy, and she wasn't bathed, injected, or taken anywhere except straight to me and her daddy. Choosing a homebirth wasn't just about my comfort or health, it was for her as well. Taking that into consideration, I would definitely choose a homebirth again. 






          
Chinami "Tina" Born Friday, July 13th at home ♥7lbs 13 oz    22 inches
Daddy!














7月11日の午前2時頃、足の間に何か水が出るような感じがして目が覚めました。出産に向かって骨盤を広げるために枕を足の間に挟んで寝てたから、その枕を持ってトイレに駆け込んだら、やっぱり破水でした。やすしがいたパソコンの部屋に行って、ちょっと震えながら「破水した。。。と思う。」と言った。やすしは少し騒いで、「どうしよう。。助産婦さんに電話しよう」と言った。助産婦に電話して報告しました。助産婦に今日は寝てって言われました。私とやすしはベッドに入ったけど、わくわくしてあまり寝られなかったんです。しかも、弱い陣痛も5-7分おきに来てました。でもなんとか寝る事ができました。
次の日は私は少し用事を済ませるために散歩に出かけたが、殆ど家にいました。夕方助産婦さんが家に来て赤ちゃんの心臓の音と、私の血圧だけ調べました。今夜もできるだけ多く寝て、明日できれば朝からハイキングでもしてってアドバイスしてくれました。寝ようと努力したけど、陣痛が強くなって来て、寝られなかったんです。朝になったらドゥーラーに電話して、やすしが仕事に行くからちょっと来てって頼みました。朝ご飯、ワイキキで散歩、と昼寝して、そしてマノアの滝でハイキングしました。ハイキングすることで陣痛がさらに強まって来て、家に帰ってからシャワー浴びてからでも強く、近くなってました。3-5分置きになって、呼吸と声を出すという方法で痛みを耐えてました。それからトイレ言った時に、トイレに座ることですごい強い陣痛が来て、トイレ終わったら逃げだしたこともありました。ドゥーラーにトイレに戻って、陣痛を耐えることをさせられました。陣痛が強ければ出産はどんどん近づくから、って。夕方の6時頃、ドゥーラーが本格に陣痛が来て、出産は近いと報告してくれました。様々な方法やでっかいしろいボールを使って痛みと戦いました。8時半頃ドゥーラーは助産婦さんに電話してくるように言ってくれて、それからやすしに電話して今夜の9時に仕事締めて帰って来た方がいいと言ったが、やすしはすぐに家に帰ってきました。
次の数時間、陣痛はもっと激しくなってきて、休む時間が殆どなくなってたんです。ドゥーラーとやすしはスポーツドリンクや野菜ジュースをストローで飲ませてくれてました。定期的にトイレにも行ってたが、汗が凄くてトイレで殆ど出てませんでした。ドゥーラーに食べるように言われて、冷凍のフルーツ少し口にしようとしてたが、陣痛がドンドンくることで食欲はなかったんです。お風呂の用意ができたら入って見ました。気持ちよかったけど、出産が進まない感じがして、疲れてまた出ました。体が息み始めて、痛かったんです。今まで呼吸したり声をだしたりしててリラックスして痛みを耐えることができたけど、それも段々と惨めな鳴き声みたいな感じになってました。助産婦さんがやすしとシャワー浴びるように指示しました。普通なら色んな愛のホルモンなどが出るはずだけど、私はもうその限界を超えてました。陣痛、息む、泣く、を繰り返しました。疲れて、機嫌が悪くて、もう息んで、赤ちゃんをポンと出して、幸せになりたい気持ちでした。ベッドで横になって寝ようとしました!でも9センチも開いてて陣痛来ても寝られる人間いないでしょう。そのかわりに少しやすしに抱えて、それから足をあげて叫んで息んで、疲れてまた横になって「どうして出てこないの??」とつぶやくことが繰り返してました。息んで、惜しいとなってから力が抜いてしまったことが続いてました。出産って私にできるのと疑ってて、「やっぱり病院行かなきゃいけない?」と聞いてたこともありました。助産婦が頑張って、色んな開くテクニークを使ってました。
出産する女性はだれでも訪ねる場所に至ったんです。それは「無理、でも頑張らないと赤ちゃんは出てこない、」という場所です。簡単に終わらせる方法本当に欲しくなってました。これもし病院ならすでにドラッグ打たれて赤ちゃんをだしてくれたはず。。。やすしを抱きしめて、助産婦とドゥーラーにどうか助けてって惨めな声で言ってました。でもドゥーラーと助産婦はもうすぐ赤ちゃんが出る、私はすっごい頑張ってて偉いって応援してくれました。ベッドの上で息むのは理想的ではないが、疲れすぎて他の姿勢が嫌でした。助産婦さんとドゥーラーに手伝ってもらって色んな姿勢を少しやってみましたが、最後にいつもベッドに戻ってました。ちなみの頭は私の骨盤の所を超えたらしくて、あともうちょっとで出てくるって言われました。しゃがむことを指示されて、ドゥーラーは後ろから私の体重を支えながら私はしゃがんで、息みました。重力で少し進んだが、私にもう力はありませんでした。
外では太陽は昇ってた。。。私とドゥーラーはもう24時間近く起きてました。私は6時間前くらいにもう諦めかけてました。体罰でもされてる気持ちでした。自分の中の力をかけて息んでたけど、足りなかったんです。助産婦に向かって、惨めな顔しながら首を横に振りました。助産婦はニコッとして、私は頭の中で「なんでこんな時にニコッてできるんだろう?」と問いかけました。下を見たら、頭は出てた。もうこれだ!と変な動物みたいに叫んでどんなに疲れても、痛くても、いいからとにかく出す、と息みました。そして助産婦さんが手伝いながら、やすしが娘を受け取って私に渡したけど、もう体が動けませんでした。ドゥーラーに支えてしゃがんでるまま受け取りました。へその緒が短かったのでまだ胸のところには抱っこできなかったんです。ちなみは長い出産のせいで頭が尖ってました。黒い髪の毛が沢山生えてて、手が白くて小さかったんです。静かに周りを見回って、小さい声で少し泣いたりもしてました。助産婦さんと手伝ってる人が体をこすって羊水をだして呼吸してることを確認しました。私はちなみの目を見て、元気だと自分の中で確認取りました。指をその小さい手に入れたら、強く握ってくれました。目を見てちゃんと私とやすしをわかってくれてる気がしました。

ドゥーラーとやすしと皆が力合わせてちなみと私をベッドに移動させました。私はまだ惨めなこと言ってました。胎盤を出すって痛いか、痛み止め飲んでいいか、あそこを麻痺させてくれるか、など。助産婦さん達が胎盤だすの痛くない、すぐ痛いのとれるからと言ってくれました。胎盤を出すのは痛くなかったんです。そして少し麻痺してあそこを少し縫ってもらってた時、やすしがへその緒を切って、ちなみは胸の所に来ておっぱいを飲み始めました。

助産婦さんがちなみを9ヶ月育ててくれた胎盤と袋などを見せてくれました。しかし自分で見た事ないというのがありました。へその緒は胎盤の真ん中ではなく、端の方にあるともし病院に通ってたらこれは問題になってたんでしょう。そして薬で出産始められたり、帝王切開の可能性も高かったかと思います。

ドゥーラーが胎盤をピルにするために持って帰りましたが、その前にすこしベリーとスピルリナのスムージーに混ぜてくれました!これはただいつものように変なもの食べてみたいからではなく、胎盤を食べることって産後の体にすごくいいらしいんです。出血を少なくする、血液の鉄分を上げる、そして産後鬱の確率を減らします。私は血が薄くて献血できないし、低血圧で鉄分が低め、そして鬱とパニックもありましたから胎盤を食べるって凄く私には良い事だろうと思いました。

助産婦さん達はお片づけして、体調をチェックしました。出血はありましたけど血圧が安定してました。助産婦は子宮が縮むようにピトシンを注射して、帰りました。

ちなみはすぐに寝ました。私たちも寝ました。幸せでしたけど、疲労と痛みを早く乗り越えて世話したかったんです。

そして回復は順調です。自分のベッドでちなみと一緒に休むことができ、なんでも看護婦さんに言われる事などなく、自分のペースでできます。そして母もいないから、でっかい声で独り言みたいに、家が汚い、ワイキキで高いコンド借りればよかったのに、なんで乾燥機はなくてインドの貧乏な人みたいに洗濯を干すのか、どうしてテレビないのか、どうしてエアコンつかわないか、暑すぎだろう、どうして間とレスは床にあるか、どうしてちなみにベビーベッド買わないか、中古何か買わない方が良い、などなどと。。

そして少し思いました。
出産はつらいです。気持ち良さそうな魔法の水中出産なかったし、急に出た~というような出産もなかったし、実際に5時間ほど息んでたんです。もし病院で出産したなら、疲れてきたらきっとどんな薬だされても飲む気持ちでした。そしてきっと早くて、もっと楽でした。でもそれって一番いい方法なのかな。ちなみが出て来た時、とてもリラックスして幸せそうでした。そしてお風呂もなく、注射もなく、ただお父さんと私のそばにずっといただけです。家庭出産は自分の健康や気分に合わせて選んだのではなくて、ちなみのためにしました。それを考えてみれば、また次も家庭出産にしたいです。