I recieved this text from my NM (Narcissistic Mom)
“As usual you are wrong in your self indulgent rant but I see now we spoiled you. Your unhappiness can be treated but your resentment is misguided – biting the hand etc, you are hard work and I quit – stay away and don’t communicate with me”
I wonder was the reference to my “unhappiness” being “treated” a suggestion that I suffer from some sort of mental illness and need medication? (That was something I grew up hearing whenever I disagreed with you.) I resent the implication and find it a very low blow. I was constantly compared with *** as a teenager whenever I behaved differently to how you expected. The threat of mental illness was a damaging one, and one you casually used, instilling fear into me as a vulnerable youngster. I wonder, were you aware of how your words ever affected me?
In the intervening weeks I initially felt shock, anger and a sense of loss. I had phoned you asking for more emotional support, and you retaliated by cutting me out of your life completely. I’m not going to continue describing how I felt and still feel about that, as I think you will dismiss it as “oversentimentality” or my “oversensitive” nature which you have often blamed for my reactions to stressful situations.
Then yesterday I received the following text from you:
“Hi *** lets forget the past and look to the future and move on – life’s too short – I want to be friends and send my love to you x mum”
I was struck by the complete denial of the issues I raised on the phone, and wonder how you think we can have any kind of relationship where one person hurts another and expects the injured party to “move on” with no apology or acknowledgement of the hurt caused? You want me to forget about your treatment of me, to forget that my own mother cut me out of her life, and not deal with it? This is not a normal human interaction. I would not take this kind of treatment from a friend, and certainly didn’t expect it from a family member. Possibly you are able to compartmentalise things like this, but I feel things deeply and am unable to “move on” unless I have dealt with a situation until it is no longer affecting me.
I am not ready to speak to you in person, as I fear you will invalidate and dismiss my feelings, as you always have done. If you wish to communicate with me you may email me or post me a letter.
I am busy caring for and raising my family, and I don’t wish to be to-ing and fro-ing in and out of your affections as you see fit. I would like us to be part of each other’s lives, but until you can see how your behaviour is hurtful and wrong towards me, and acknowledge it and try to improve it, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I am worth more than that, and I will not put myself and my children in your way for you to hurt, criticise and judge us as you have done in the past.
Before you write me off as “spoilt” and “ungrateful”, please take some time to wonder have you had anything to do with this situation. If you still conclude that I am for some reason making it all up, consider why would I invite this drama upon myself? I don’t enjoy it, I don’t welcome it, and I want an end to it, one way or another.
An absolutely brilliant NC letter from a fellow DONM
I saw this on one of the support groups for people like me. By people like me, I mean other people who were raised by mothers who were self-absorbed and abusive. Reading it, I felt like someone had reached into my brain and arranged my thoughts neatly and concisely.
Bravo, anonymous DONM. I feel like this is a mirror image of what I've been through.
Called "spoilt" and "ungrateful" when I start to tell the truth.
Growing up with mental illness being used as a form of degradation and threatening.
Being constantly compared to someone else
Being cut off when I needed emotional support
Getting a casual "Hi, how are you," weeks later after an unresolved confrontation as if nothing happened (and expecting me to forget about everything they've done!)
Giving up speaking with them because they will just invalidate my feelings.
Not wanting my children to be subjected to the same treatment I was.
Being accused of making it all up, for what reason?
The thought of so many other people out there going through the same thing is really sad. I hope everyone finds strength and happiness ♥