Looking Back 振り返ってみた (Part 4: Study Abroad in Japan 第４：日本で留学）

I left for Japan just after my 19th birthday in September. When I arrived, I used my pink DoCoMo mobile phone Yasushi had given me when he came to visit in Pennsylvania, and called him to say that I had arrived at Kansai Int'l Airport. He replied "I'm in Osaka." "...WHAT?" He had decided to hop on the shinkansen and see me on my first day in Japan, even if only for a few hours. We ate some fugu sashimi together, walked around a bit and it was already time for him to go back to Tokyo.

The next few days were filled with orientation and information. We had an official welcome party, where for some reason I was asked to give a short speech in Japanese. We met our host families and went home with them. My host family was a family of four, mother, father, and 2 boys aged 6 and 8, living in Ashiya. The mother was a piano teacher and the kids were learning piano and violin, and so every day I was treated to lovely Classical music coming from the living room. The father was a surgeon, and although he wasn't around much, when he was, he was a lovely kind man and someone I could enjoy a challenging, intelligent conversation with.

After moving in with our host families, we started to prepare for school. In the morning, we had Japanese class. In the afternoon, we could choose from Japanese-related classes taught in English. We had our Japanese placement test, both written and interview. Even though I had only been studying (formally) for 2 years, I placed into the highest level class. While for me conversation was fairly easy, writing and reading kanji correctly was very challenging. On weekdays, I would always spend the few hours after the kids went to bed and before Yasushi finished work studying kanji.

Weekends and school holidays were always busy and exciting. When I stayed in Ashiya, my host family would include me in family outings with them such as going to the mall in Kobe, up Mt. Rokko, Himeji Castle, Universal Studios Osaka, amusement parks, BBQs with friends, and hot spring trips. I also went on several field trips as part of the study abroad program. And almost every month I would get my small blanket and pillow and ride a bus from Osaka to Tokyo 8 hours overnight to see Yasushi. In that one year, I probably went more places and experienced more things in Japan than most Japanese people! I stayed at a Buddhist temple in Mt. Koya, went to a tea ceremony and saw autumn foliage in Kyoto, saw whirlpools and learned about the Hanshin Earthquake in Awajishima, made Sanuki Udon in Kagawa, ate rabbit stew and went in a natural hot spring in Akita amongst 6 feet of snow, saw the giant torii in the ocean and monkeys in the mountain in Miyajima, visited the Peace Park and ate okonomiyaki in Hiroshima, painted Tobe-yaki and went to Dogo Hot Spring in Matsuyama, saw cherry blossoms blooming in both Shukugawa and Ueno Park, went to Disney Sea, saw a Takarazuka show in the original theatre, and went to two Hello! Project concerts.

Yasushi and I spent our first Christmas together that year, and I ate my first Christmas cake! For New Years, we went to his grandparents' house and we all had a big family dinner. The next month, we celebrated the 1st anniversary of the day we met, and got engaged. But just one week later, things took a tragic turn for the worse.

"My father's been in an accident. I'm at the hospital now. The whole family is coming..." Ｉ rushed and rode on an overnight train to Tokyo, but he passed away at 12:18. The wake was at his house the next day, and the funeral was to be that following weekend. I stayed by Yasushi the whole time offering support, but the shock, grief, and frustration I experienced that week was too much for me to handle, and I started having panic attacks. I seeked out counseling when I went back to school, and was told "You've been through a lot, you'll get over it". I tried to go on, and kept a B average in all of my classes as well as participating in a Korean class at the university.

But the anxiety didn't just go away. I still had panic attacks when in stressful situations, even after I returned to America for a few weeks in June, to visit my friends in PA and NH and go to the new vacation condo my parents had bought in the Caribbean. I hesitated to open up to my parents about the panic attacks because I didn't want them to worry about me. Or maybe it was actually because I didn't want them to insult and mock me and ignore me again. Unfortunately, the second sentence came true as I had a panic attack once in front of them and that's exactly what happened. We were in a loud restaurant, and my mother had been insulting me continuously for about 10 minutes, calling me an "asshole", a "jerk" and saying that I didn't deserve to be taken out to a restaurant because of my horrible personality. I started to cry and hyperventilate, my heart pounded and my hands shook uncontrollably. My mother, even seeing my distress, started to mock and insult me more. "Are you having an asthma attack?" (I had never, ever had asthma in my life) "Do you need to go to a crazy hospital?" I calmed down eventually as the attack naturally subsided, but I couldn't stomach more than a few bites of my dinner when it came. My parents ignored me and ate and carried on the rest of the night as if everything was fine, or as if I wasn't there. I called Yasushi after that and broke down again telling him what happened, and he reassured me that I would be in Tokyo soon and that he would give me a big hug when he saw me. I always felt so safe when he reassured me like that, even a week later in PA when I was talking to him on the phone and my mother was on the other side of my closed door, shouting and screaming through it that I am "a jerk, an asshole, and Yasushi would divorce me within a year." He always insisted that he would be there for me, and he never broke that promise.

So even another week until June 27th felt like an eternity when being abused every day. I got on the plane to Narita Airport, and stayed in Tokyo until August. Even though I didn't have school or work and was considerably less busy than I wanted to be, I was still happy. I watched TV and read books in Japanese, studied Korean in study groups, took walks, cooked, and started posting videos on Youtube. I was inspired by interesting channels like MrCook and TokyoCooney. At that time there weren't many foreigners who spoke Japanese making videos on Youtube, so my channel became a little bit popular. However my "fans" from 2channel took things a bit too far. But I overcame that and kept making videos, as it was a fun and rewarding hobby for me. In August, before I had to go back to Hawaii, Yasushi took a holiday and we went to Okinawa for almost a week.

But then it was time for me to go back to Hawaii. But now graduation, and marriage, was something so close I could touch it.

９月、私は１９歳になってすぐに日本へ旅立ちました。到着してからすぐにやすしがアメリカに来たときにくれたドコモのピンクの携帯を使って電話して関西空港に着いたことを伝えました。そうすると、彼は「大阪にいるよ」と返事して、「なに？？？」。。。やすしは初めての日本に迎えるためにわざわざ新幹線に乗って逢いに来てくれたんです。一緒にふぐ刺しを食べて、ちょっと散歩したらもうやすしは帰りの電車に乗る時間になってしまいました。。。

それから何日間はオリエンテーションなどしたら、パーティーがあって、そこで」なぜか私が日本語でスピーチすることになりました。ホストファミリーと会って、一緒に芦屋にある家まで行きました。私のホストファミリーはお父さんとお母さんがいて、６才と８才の男の子もいました。お母さんはピアノの先生で、子供もバイオリンとピアノ習ってましたので、毎日好きなクラッシク音楽などを聴けて嬉しかった。お父さんは病院の先生だったので家にいる時間少なかったけど、いつも優しくて、難しい話など上級な会話に付き合ってくれる人でした。

ホストファミリーの家に引っ越してちょっとしたら大学の授業の準備などをしました。午前中は日本語、午後は英語で日本社会、歴史、などの授業から選べます。日本語の能力レベルをチェックする書くテストとインタビューがありました。私は２年しか勉強してなかったのに、一番上級のクラスに入りました。会話ができても、漢字がとても苦労でした。平日はいつも子供が寝てからやすしが仕事終わるまでの数時間勉強してました。

週末と大学の休みはいつも忙しかったです。家にいれば、ホストファミリーは家族で出かける時、神戸ハーバーランド、遊園地、バーベキュー、温泉旅行など色んな所に連れて行ってくれました。そして留学の一部となってた研修旅行にも色々参加しました。そして１ヶ月に１回程度で夜行バスで大阪から東京までやすしに逢いに行きました。きっと私がたった１年間に一般の日本人より色んなところに行って、面白い経験もいっぱいしたでしょう。たとえば、高野山でお寺に泊まったり、京都でお茶会に行って、紅葉も見たり、淡路島で渦巻きを見て、博物館で阪神大震災の琴を習ったり、香川でさぬきうどんを作ったり、宮島の海の中にある鳥居見て、鹿や猿も見たり、広島の原爆ドームや平和記念公園に行って、広島焼きも食べたり、愛媛で砥部焼き作って、道後温泉に入ったり、本当の劇場で宝塚を見たり、ディズニーシーやＵＳＪに行ったり、あとハロプロのコンサート２回行きました。そして、２００５年のクリスマスはもちろんやすしと一緒に過ごして、初めてのクリスマスケーキを食べました。それからお正月に彼の祖父母の所の行って家族皆でお食事しました。そして２月に二人の記念日に、婚約しました。しかしその一週間後に急激に幸せが壊れました。
「お父さん何か事故があった。今病院にいる。家族が皆集まってる。。。」私が夜行電車に駆けつけて乗ったが、１２時１８分に亡くなりました。通夜は次の日、やすしの実家でやって、そして葬式は週末に行われる予定でした。わたしはやすしの傍を離れずにサポートをしてたが、そのときの衝撃や、哀愁や、イライラの気持ちが全部受けきれなくて、パニック症が出始めたんです。神戸に帰ってからカウンセリングを受けてみたが「しんどいやね」とか「頑張れば乗り越えられるでしょう。」位しかアドバイスもらえなかった。私は我慢しながら勉強し続けて、授業全部に８０点以上の成績維持した上に甲南大学の韓国語の授業にも参加しました。

でもパニック症は治る様子もなかった。６月に少しペンシルバニアやニューハンプシャーにいる友達に会うためや、両親と一緒に新しいカリブの別荘に行くためにアメリカに帰ったときでも、ストレスが急に来たときはパニックになってたんです。両親に相談しようと少し思ったが、心配かけちゃいけないと、黙ってました。それともいじわるされるとわかってたのか。。。
３人でレストランに行ってた時でした。レストランの中がうるさくて、その上にお母さんが大きい声で私に悪口をずっと言っつけてました。「くそ女」、「嫌なやつ」、「レストランにつれていて上げたいと思わなくなる」など。その止まらないいじめに反応して泣き始めて、呼吸と心臓が早くなってきて、手が震えてきました。お母さんがその困ってる私を見てもいじめを続けました。「あなた喘息か？？」（一度もなったことなかったのに。）「頭おかしくなった人の病院行く？？」時間経てば落ち着いたが、もう食べる気がなく一口二口でやめました。両親が私を無視して、平気で食事していました。その後やすしに電話したら「もうすぐ逢えるから。その時抱きしめてあげるよ」と言って安心させてくれました。やすしはいつもそうやって慰めてくれてました。。。その一週間後ペンシルバニアでやすしに電話してて閉まってるドアの向こう側からお母さんが「くそ女、嫌な奴、一年以内絶対離婚されるだろ」と怒鳴ってもすこし安心できました。

それから６月２７日にまた日本へ出発しました。今度は成田空港でした。授業やバイトがなくても、他の市夏休みを過ごせました。日本のテレビ見たり、本読んだり、韓国語をサークルで勉強したり、散歩したりして、そして初めてＹｏｕｔｕｂｅにビデオをあっぷしてみました。MrCookやTokyoCooneyのチャンネルを見て自分もアップしたくなりました。その時はまだ日本語をしゃべるヴロッガーがいなかったので、私は少し人気が出ました。しかし、私の「ファン」と言ってた２ちゃんねらー達がなぜか私のプライベートなところまで探して、中傷しました。でもまたビデオをアップし続けました。８月、わたしはハワイに帰る前に、やすしと二人で沖縄に少し旅行しました。そして、夏休みが終わって、卒業と結婚はもう手で触れるかもというほど近く感じました。