Seeing a light...(finally)

2014 has become 2015, and now I can't believe it's already February. Happy Year of the Sheep everyone, because well, a bit too late for the "regular" New Year's greetings now.
I spent the end of 2014 enjoying the holidays but also dealing with my anxiety and depression.
Therapy, getting a diagnosis, and exploring the various aspects of what had happened to me and how it was affecting me helped a lot, but I was still having occasional panic attacks and days where I lacked motivation to do much of anything. The techniques and affirmations I was learning were useless if I was unable to actually apply them, and I didn't have enough support around me to really be able to get by with just learning about grounding and breathing. I gradually accepted the idea that cognitive therapy would not be enough to undo all the bad habits, coping mechanisms, and other damage. I hated the idea of taking medication after my experience with Paxil around 2009-2010. While it had helped a lot, the physical withdrawal symptoms after going off it were too scary to justify putting that kind of drug in my body daily for however many months or years I would need it. St. John's Wort and other natural therapies needed time and steady doses to be effective. So I kept looking around for other ideas.
After much deliberation, I bought some SAM-E from Costco and started taking it a couple of weeks ago. In a few days, I already felt better. Since I have started taking it I have been feeling more energetic, motivated, and best thing--no panic attacks. Of course it will take a couple of months at least to make a judgement, but things are really looking up now. Before, I would have great days, and always feel fearful that the next day would be another hard one. Now, I feel a little more confident and "normal". I am also considering trying MSM supplements as well, but so far SAM-E is pretty good.
Of course, I know this is no such thing as a cure for C-PTSD, that I will have to spend my life in and out of therapy, practicing yoga, meditation, I have also planned to add acupuncture treatments if needed, and I always have the suicide hotline on speed-dial in my phone.
The reality of it sucks especially because CPTSD is not an illness you are born with--it is directly caused by injury and neglect and a bad environment. I wish my mother had properly come to terms with her own past and her own injuries and gotten adequate treatment and therapy before choosing to procreate, but at least I was able to learn from her mistakes and break the cycle.
Hopefully supplements and more aggressive treatments will be the key to a truly happy, healthy 2015 for me and my family. I will do my best.


2 件のコメント:

  1. Hi

    I found a link to your blog from your youtube channel. Your views on racial prejudice and human rights violations in Japan were spot on. It is a shame that a bunch of ネトウヨ bullied you into taking down your video.

    I am currently living in Japan with my wife (who is Japanese) and am struggling to cope with PTSD as well. I also have high functioning autism and depression which just makes things a bit more complicated.

    Some things that I have found help me cope with PTSD (nightmares and flashbacks) are:
    - Talking/writing about my fears
    - Writing a blog and diary
    - DBT and mindfulness therapy

    I wish I could take some kind of medicine here, but...yeah, I really don't want to go see a psychologist and risk being put on some sort of list. Maybe I am being a bit too paranoid. Do you know if something like SAME-Y is available in Japan? Did you take anything while you were in Japan, like some sort of 漢方薬?

    I hope I am not being rude by leaving a comment on your blog and asking personal questions. Hang in there.

    PS: Have you seen 「空中ブランコ」? My wife wants me to see it.

  2. Thank you for your comment. You should try and go for whatever treatment and find something that works for you. I don't think you will be put on some sort of "list", ask the doctor to make sure but I'm pretty sure they have privacy laws there. You could probably get SAM-E off Amazon and have it shipped. I never tried real 漢方薬 because I just never really knew where to go, how to go about it. Here in the US though there are plenty of acupuncturists covered by my insurance so I may try that in the future. I tried some 漢方薬 that they sell in the regular pharmacy there but so many pills per day and didn't really have that much of an effect for me.
    I haven't seen 「空中ブランコ」 but looks intriguing.