Thanks, but I'm OK. ありがとう。。でも私は大丈夫。

I have gotten a flood of messages and comments from my recent Youtube video about child abuse. So many people have told me that they are in similar situations. And I just want to ask, are you OK? Really?  Don't just try to hide it and pretend everything is OK.  If you have anxiety or depression, you need to at least tell someone. If you were abused as a child, you need to come to terms with it and not just shrug it off like I did for so many years. Covering it up NEVER does any good. And if you are around someone with anxiety and depression who ARE crying out for help in ways like self-injuring, substance abuse, suddenly becoming uncommunicative and reclusive, etc. remember that they are not just "looking for attention" or "being difficult". 

Some people are concerned when they hear that my parents abused me, and now I pretty much have no parents.  But for me it's a relief. I finally know what was wrong with me all these years, and my children will be safe. My father thinks its ridiculous that I would think they would abuse their grandchild, but doesn't really know for himself what the difference between appropriate discipline and abuse is, judging from the various emails to me in which he stated that I was in no way abused growing up…and then proceeded to "threaten" me that he would write his own blog about all the embarrassing, horrible things I did as a child! 

I realized how extremely two-faced my mother is. On Facebook, Twitter, etc how she would post these wonderful glowing things about me, but send private messages and post venomous, hateful comments and delete them after she got a reply. She seems to be really concerned with keeping this image that she is a glamorous person and a wonderful mother, and anything I say about being abused is just some kind of malicious, horrible lie because I am actually sick and twisted and have Asperger's. But as I said before, both here and in email, I do not have Asperger's, none of the symptoms apply to me at all, that is just something she is trying to make up to make me lose credibility. But the interesting thing is that according to my father, my mother has been abused and is also suffering from anxiety and depression as well, which would make her "sick" and a "wacko" just like me! But that doesn't fit with her "image" so of course she would hide it, to the extreme where she cannot even empathize with her own daughter going through the exact same things that she did. 

I have scars on my arm I can show you from when I cut myself, I have journal entries detailing word-for-word the things they would say to me, which are textbook examples of verbal abuse. I have the bracelet from my hospital stay, and I still have the suicide hotline number in my cell phone. Yet apparently I am sick and twisted and a liar, just out to "humiliate" my parents, according to them. 

One more time, just to make my point, I COULD HAVE DIED. And that's their response? (and after I called them on it, my father called it "heartbreaking". Too little, too late, I know your true feelings) 

So looking at all of this, I am actually happy to finally be truly free from them, and I'm happy I realized this in time to give my child(ren) the true love and respect from her mother, that I never had. I might not be a great mother, and I'll probably make lots of mistakes, but abuse will not be one of them. 

These are the last 3 entries from my livejournal, which I had set as private until now. 

12/23/11

The world according to my mother,compiled from my journal from 2002-2006 (before I really left for good) 
My mother said I have no personality, I'm a horrible spoilt brat who won't survive in the real world. Because I didn't like Jazz I was told I have bad taste in music, no ear, and no talent. Because I didn't follow fashion trends like the rest of the sheeple in my highschool I was a nut and deserved to have no friends. I only had 4 friends, and they were all stupid, assholes, morons with no talent who wouldn't amount to anything in the real world. I shouldn't be shopping frugally or working part-time jobs in my spare time because that's something poor people do, and I should just accept handouts from my mother into adulthood like my wonderful brother. I should jump up at every command, and I should also pick up after my brother and clean his room, because I have no social life and just sit on the computer all day watching stupid Japanese cartoons and listening to annoying Japanese music.Listening and watching things in a different language doesn't help someone actually learn the language. I took the wrong courses in highschool and was inept at picking courses in college. Whatever hobbies I had in highschool I cannot have after highschool.I will never survive in college because I cannot follow directions exactly like my mother says.I will never survive in the real world because I cannot clean or cook for myself. Yasushi will definitely leave me...even if we get married we will be divorced in a year because he will find out how rude, horrible, and immature I am.My mother is always right. Her screaming, yelling, and throwing tantrums is always justified and fixes everything. Her way of doing things is perfect, and she knows everything, even about things that she has no experience with like graduating highschool, going to college, or Japanese culture. 

2011: What I knew and found out along the way
I had many more than 4 friends in highschool, and they are all wonderful, diverse people that have all succeeded in making great lives for themselves.I treat people with the same respect they give me.I still love theatre...it is possible to still love something you loved in highschool.I have very diverse tastes in music and some singing talent. I get karaoke paid for, drinks bought because people want to hear me sing. People like my unique fashion sense and the way I stand out. I like my own clothes which is the most important.I have survived college. Despite having parents that couldn't adequately guide me I managed to graduate early for my major. My interest and willing to immerse myself in the Japanese language and culture proved to be a valuable asset to learning it. I met many people who shared my interests and had many friends in college. I have survived in the real world. I can hold down a job, cook, keep a house together, and do everything for myself, work for 6 years and have a savings of 100,000 by the time I'm 25.My brother who unlike myself has a "great personality" and isn't horrible or spoiled still isn't making a living at 30 years old and expects everything to be done for him. Yasushi and I will be celebrating our 4th marriage anniversary and 7th overall and are still going strong. He loves me. 
It hasn't been smooth sailing. Unfortunately, having a mother who believes she is always right, and screams, shouts, and blames everyone but herself when she feels challenged, AND enduring 16 years of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from her has left its mark. I often lack confidence, feel unsure of myself, and wrestled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for the past 6 or 7 years. But now I am finally starting to heal. 
I can't understand why I had to be the scapegoat.My mother was a highschool dropout, but when I went to college it was all about how I could never make the "right" choices. 
I had a horrible personality, when really I was reacting to being abused. I was socially inept because I was on the computer writing this journal, communicating with my friends through instant messaging, and broadening my horizons by listening to Japanese music and finding resources to learn Japanese, instead of.............wait, that's right. The biggest landmarks within walking distance are a lake and a Wawa, and to go to work, socialize or do anything you need to drive a car. BUT when my mom finally realizes what a nowhere town this is (even though saying its name to others makes her feel classy) and spends all day on computer, iPad, or Kindle, updating Facebook and buying crap, it's fine for her to do it. 

2/13/12
A much-revisited subject....in the past 9 years I have been to Hawaii, Kobe, and Tokyo, and for some reason, maybe because I'm stupid, I keep going back home.
And the story repeats itself every time.
I enjoy myself for all of 2 seconds, and spend the rest of my time in this house pondering why the hell I am here.
It's even more perplexing because every time I prepare to leave I reflect on this, in this journal, and usually my writings prove to be timeless and true.
Such as my mother's excessive spending habits, the futility of the two of them living in a house that could comfortably shelter a family of 4 plus a roommate, in an area where the only way to thrive is to get the hell out.
And get the hell out they should. Because if my mother refuses to work a job and chooses to sit in the house all day on her computer or iPad or watching TV, the chances of dementia showing up a bit early just go up and up. If you don't use it, you lose it, basically. Walking around, volunteering at the blood bank or library if you can't, I mean, don't want to work...there are so many ways to stay healthy.
And I can't help but point out the irony while we're here--10 years ago, I was 15, no transportation, basically trapped in the house unless a friends parents were nice enough to pick me up, so I had no choice but to go on the computer and IM my friends, and pursue my then interests in Japanese videos and music. I was routinely insulted and ridiculed by my parents because I was "staying in the house" and "had no social life" when really, I had plenty of friends but no transportation, and I was making the best of a bad situation by exploring a different language and culture...something that would take me far, far away.
Whatever...mother's always right, mother knows best...right? Even when it's abuse. Hitting them out of your own anger and frustration when they're still too small to defend themselves, and when they get bigger insulting them on a daily basis, invalidating their feelings.......Kids never forget that stuff. I always brushed it off, tried to make like it didn't affect me......and promptly started showing symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders from age 19. Whenever people praised me I would wonder if there were strings attached, or worse, if they were mocking me like my parents always did. Yasushi and I are happily together for 7 years and married for 4, yet there were many times when I wondered if he would really leave me because I was such a horrible person, just like my parents said.
2/19/12
This is it; I'm breaking the cycle. I'm breaking free.
Why has it taken so long to realize what is best for myself?
Since I was 16, I would leave for a bit and go somewhere as far away as possible, and then have to come home for holidays. And every time I went out into the world I found that the world was a great place with many opportunities, and that I would always thrive much more on my own, out there, than when trapped in that house. I went farther away, for longer periods of time, and I changed, but everything here remained the same.
I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity get out, and to meet not only my wonderful husband, but also so many wonderful friends, teachers, counselors, coworkers, and bosses, from all parts of the country and world. They taught me that I am NOT a "jerk" or "miserable" or "nasty" nor do I have a "horrible personality" or "no personality at all" or "no common sense at all". They taught me how normal people act, and how to value and respect myself and others and have confidence in myself and my unique interests and talents. And thanks to them, I finally realized that I am beautiful on the inside and outside, and stopped supporting a multi-billion dollar industry that capitalizes on making people feel inadequate.
Outside of that house, I was never disrespected, insulted, mocked, or physically assaulted. I was treated like a human being and was able to observe how normal families treated each other, and how parents can teach and nurture their children with love, NOT anger, fear, and invalidation. Most people treat their children as individuals, and appreciate their unique interests and hobbies, and don't punish them for having them or force their own ideals onto them.
Sometimes I think it's nothing short of a miracle that I was able to succeed outside of that house, as I was often told that I "would never survive in the real world". And frankly, I'm surprised I did develop into a healthy person who works hard and earns a living. The only lessons I had been taught were that being lazy, materialistic and hedonistic would be rewarded, and that having an individual personality and interests that were different from my parents' just made me an outcast.
Really, sometimes I feel guilty for not being the "perfect daughter" that smiles and acts happy all the time no matter what she is feeling inside, no matter what insults are thrown at her. I'm sorry that I couldn't just mindlessly assimilate and adopt any interests and hobbies that were pushed on me, and HAD to have my own interests. It must have been so selfish of me to do things that I wanted to do.
Even so, it looks like I turned out OK. I must be really lucky....watching "childish" "stupid" Japanese "cartoons" and listening to "annoying" "unoriginal" Japanese music actually accelerated my progress in learning the language! And even though I have "no musical talent" I sang on TV, got to the 2nd round of a karaoke contest, performed at many benefits and parties, sang every day as part of my job, and generally had a really great time every time I sang. And all of those "moron" friends from high school that I "would never see again" are still great, supportive friends.
But the real miracle through all this my wonderful husband, who knows everything about me, and we have been together for 7 years (married for 4) and he has never told me I have a "horrible personality" or mocked me for crying, or asked if I needed to go to the "crazy hospital" when I had a panic attack. He saved my life when I tried to end it. And he helped create this new life inside of me. I love him so much. And I'm sorry for putting him through so much hardship, but at least now he understands that it wasn't my fault. 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ 

http://www.lightshouse.org/immature-or-aggressive-parents.html 

http://www.focusas.com/Abuse-Emotional.html 

http://eqi.org/eam1.htm 

http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-abuse/emotional-abuse.html 

http://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/article.asp?AID=648565 

http://www.ehow.com/info_8065936_signs-being-verbally-abused-parents.html 

Everyone, look around you. There are so many people out there that look normal and healthy, but they may have a personality disorder, or a psychological illness. There are so many children that don't have bruises or scratches, but are being abused. Those children might never overcome that abuse, and what will happen when they have children of their own? The cycle continues.
But this baby in my tummy deserves much better. Every child deserves a peaceful, positive, nurturing environment with truly open-minded people. A child deserves to be treated like a human being, with respect and love, and freedom to have their own interests and hobbies. They need rules and boundaries set for their safety, and realistic expectations backed up with confidence.
A child never needs to be terrorized into submission, and discipline should be logical and appropriate, not senseless, beating out of the parents' own inability to control their own anger and frustration. A child never deserves to be humiliated in public by being slapped in the face--the ultimate act of rejection and hate towards a person.
So that is why I am writing this, to break the cycle and start healing. It's the least I can do for my growing family. It's the least anyone who cares about their children can do. Any parent should understand, that it's not always about themselves and whatever "image" they have to the outside world. It's never too late to change.

Just a reflection. 

 

I am OK. I am more than OK. I am free my from toxic parents. And I am ready to close this chapter.  

最近の児童虐待についてのビデオに関してコメントやメッセージたくさん貰いました。同じ状況の人たくさんいます。その人たちに、大丈夫？本当に大丈夫なの？、と聞きたいんです。隠して大丈夫なふりをしないで。パニック障害やうつ病で苦しんでたら誰かに教えなきゃだめです。子供の頃から虐待されたら私みたいに何年も無視するのではなく、ちゃんと自分で理解をして受け止めなければいけないんです。隠すのは絶対よくないんです。そして周りにパニック障害やうつ病の人がいて、その人がもし自傷行為や、飲み過ぎやドラッグや、急に人と会わなくなったりして助けを求めるサインを示したらただかまって欲しいかわがまましてると思わないでください。

私が両親に虐待されて、そして今縁を切った状態だと聞いたら、心配する人もいますけど、私はすっきりしました。私はどうして何年間病気になってたかわかったし、子供を安全な環境で育てられます。父が孫までに虐待すると思うなんておかしいと言ってるけど、父がメールで両親が全然虐待してない、でもこれから自分で私が子供にどれだけバカで恥ずかしいことを書くぞ、と書いた自分がしつけと虐待と違いわからないみたいです。

母も凄く偽善的だとわかりました。ツィッターやフェイスブックなどで皆の見えるところに娘は素晴らしいなんて書きながら、私に向かってプライベートメッセージやコメントで酷い事を書いて、コメントに返事したら母は自分のコメントをすぐに消します。きっと母はいいお母さんのイメージをキープするのが第一なんでしょう。そして私が虐待というのは、傷つけるために嘘ついてる、私は本当に惨めで気持ち悪い病気な子で、アスペルガーもあります。でも私アスペルガーの症状一つもなくて、ただ母が私のイメージを悪くしたくて言ってます。でも、本当に面白いと思ったのは、父のメールによると、母は本当は子供の時から本当に酷い虐待されて、私と同じくパニックとうつで長年苦しんでいたそうです。でもそんなことはイメージと合わないので、自分の娘が同じことで苦しんでても同情する気持ちが少しでもありません。

腕に自傷行為した時の傷跡まだ残ってます。日記に父と母に言葉の暴力の定義となってる言葉を言われたことも記録しました。病院行った時のリストバンドもまだ持ってます。携帯にもまだ自殺ホットラインの番号が登録してあります。でもそれなのに、両親によると、私がただ両親のこと傷つけたくて、狂ってる嘘つきです。

もう一度言いますけど、私が死ぬ手前でした。それでその返事なの？（そういう風に父に行ったらいきなり「悲しくて苦しくて」って言い始めたけど、もう遅い、本当の気持ちわかったから）

これを全部考えてみれば、自由になれて嬉しいです。そしてこのタイミングもよくて、これから子供にちゃんと愛と尊敬をあげることができると思います。私になかった本当のお母さんの愛情と尊敬。私はそれほどいいお母さんになれる自信はないし、失敗する時も多いでしょうけど、虐待ということは絶対しません。

これが今までプライベートにしてた一番最近の日記です。

２０１１年１２月２３日
母の思ってる世界２００２－２００６の日記から収録（出て行く前に）母は私は性格悪い、世界でやっていけない最悪な甘えっ子と言った。ジャズ好きじゃないから、私は音楽の趣味悪い、耳悪い、才能もない。高校の羊人間みたいになんでもファションに従わないから私は気違い、友達いなくていい。私友達４人しかいない、そしてその４人はバカ、糞、才能ない、世界でやっていけない。安いもの買ったり、アルバイトしたりするのは貧乏臭い、素敵な兄みたいに大人になっても母からなんでも貰えばいい。名前呼ばれたら飛んで行くべき、そして兄の部屋の掃除もするべき、どうせ私は友達いないし、パソコンでバカな日本のアニメみたりやかましい日本の音楽聞いたりするだけの人生だから。違う言葉の音楽聞いたり番組見たりすることって、言葉の勉強のメリットにならない。高校での授業選びしっぱいした、大学の授業選びも下手。高校生時代の趣味は皆高校卒業後続けられない。母の言われた通りに全部やらないと、大学でやっていけない。自分で掃除も料理もできないので世界でやっていけない。私があまりにも失礼で最悪な人だからやすしは別れる。結婚しても１年以内に離婚するだろう。母はいつも正しい。怒りだして叫んだり暴れたりすることってちゃんと理由もあって、しかも何の問題でも解決できる。母のやり方って完璧、そしてなんでも知ってる、特に自分が経験したことないこと、例えば高校を卒業すること、大学行く事、そして日本の文化。
２０１１年：私が知ってて、そして学んだこと高校生時代は４人なんかよりずっと多く友達がいた、そして今成功してて、素晴らしい人たちばかりです。私はただされたように人を尊敬する。まだ演劇が大好きです。高校生で大好きだったものはずっと好きでいてもいい。音楽の趣味は幅広くて、歌う才能は少しある。歌を聴いて喜ばれてカラオケ代払ってもらったりドリンク買ってもらったりしたこともあります。人は私のスタイルが好き。私も自分の服が好き。大学卒業できた。両親に相談できなくても自分の専門で少し早く卒業する事もできた。日本の文化に深い興味を持って１００％入り込むことで成功できた。そして大学生時代も同じ趣味の友達いっぱい作れた。世界でやっていける。仕事して、家庭作って、料理して、自分で何でもできる。６年働いて２５歳で１００，０００ドルの貯金もできる。兄は私と違って、「性格がいい」で、最悪で甘えっ子ではない、は３０歳超えても自分で何もできない、ましな仕事もできない。やすしと私はもうすぐ結婚４周年。付き合って７年間。やすしは私を愛してる。でもそんな簡単な人生ではなかった。母が自分はいつも正しいと思い込んでて、それが試されると怒りだして叫んで暴れて自分以外皆のせいにして、その母に１６年間体にも心にも暴力受けるのは精神に残ってしまった。自信ない時が多くて、６－７年間鬱やパニックと戦ってる。でもやっと立ち直る事ができるかも。どうして私ばかりが悪かったのがわからない。母は高校中退したけど、私が大学いっても、正しいこと選んでないとばかり。。。性格が悪いというのは、虐待されてた反応だった。社交的の障害って、ただパソコンでこの日記を書いたり、友達とチャットしたり、そして世界を広げようと日本の音楽を聴いたり日本語を勉強したりして。。。他にできることって。。。。そうだ、ないんだ。この町歩いても湖とコンビニしかない、仕事したり、友達に会ったりするには車が必要。でも母がこの町は死んでるということに気づいて（でも町の名前だけ高級な感じするから好きらしい）、母がパソコン、iPad、電子書籍などでフェスブックやったりネット通販で買い物ばかりしたらそれがいいみたい。２０１２年２月１３日これ何度も繰り返してる。。。この９年間ハワイ、神戸、と東京に行きました。そして、私がバカだろうか、いつもこの家に戻ってくる。そして同じ話が繰り返してる。２秒ほど楽しいと思って、そして後この家に過ごす時間はどうしてここにいるんだろうと悩んでる。そして出る時はこうやっていつも日記に同じことを書いて、その書いた事は時間が経っても真実ということは変わらない。たとえば、母の買い物中毒や、成功したければ出るしかないような町に４－５人の家族でも住める家で二人で無駄に暮らしてること。絶対この町を出るべきだと思う。。母が仕事するの嫌で、毎日家の中でテレビみてパソコンいじったりしてれば、認知症が出るの早くなるチャンスがドンドン上がっていく。ちゃんと脳みそ使わないと腐るって。仕事できないーいや、したくないーなら、散歩したり、ボランティアしたりすればいいし。健康を保つ方法がいくらでもある。でもこういう風になったのは少し面白い。。。なぜなら１０年前私は１５歳で、出かける方法が全くない、友達の親に迎えに来てもらうしかなかったから、私はパソコンを使って友達とおしゃべりしたり、日本のビデオや音楽をダウンロードするしか時間を過ごす方法はなかった。そのせいで両親にいつもいじわるされて、「全然社交的な人じゃないね」とか「毎日パソコンばっかりしてるくせに」とか言われてたけど、本当はパソコンを通じて友達と連絡取り合ったりして、日本語を覚えたりもしてた。日本語を覚えればいつか遠く行けるから。。かな？どうでもいいや。母はいつも正しい、母はよく知ってる。。。。でしょう。虐待でも。自分の怒りとイライラがコントロールできず自分の事を守る事ができない小さな子供を殴ったりして、子供が大きくなったら毎日傷つける言葉を言ったり、子供の気持ちをバカにしたり。。。子供はそんなことを絶対忘れない。私はいつも無視したり、気にしないよと格好付けてみたりしたけど。。。１９歳になったらうつとパニックになりはじめた。人に褒められると、その人は何を求めてるか、私をいじわるでもしてるかなと心の中で疑ったり。両親はいつもそうしてたから。わたしとやすしは７年間つきあってて、４年間結婚してるけど、両親に言われたように私が最悪だから本当に離婚するのかなと思ったことも何度もある。２０１２年２月１９日これだ。もう繰り返さない。自由になるんだ。どうして何が自分に取って一番いいのかを気がつくのがこんなに遅いんだろう。１６歳の時から家を出て遠く行って、休みに帰ったりしてた。そして毎回世の中に出たら、世の中は素晴らしくて機会の多いところで、家に閉じ込められてるより一人で自由になった方がずっと成功しているとわかった。そしてもっと長く、もっと遠くに行ったりした。そして私が変わった。でもここにあるのすべてが変わらない。出る機会があって、世界中から素晴らしい旦那、仲間、先生、同僚、などに出会えて感謝してます。皆から私が「くそ女」「みじめ」「性格悪い」「常識ない」などではないと教えてもらった。普通の人はどういう風に過ごすとか、どうやって自分と他人に尊敬を持つか、あと自分と自分の特徴や性格や趣味に自信を持つ事も教えてくれた。そして皆のおかげで私が本当は中も外もきれいな人だとわかって、女性をだまして自信をなくさせる事で何億円儲ける企業を支援するのもやめた。その家を出たら、私はいじわる、暴力、虐待をされたことがなかった。普通の人間のように預けられて、普通の家族の行為も見る事ができました。両親が怒りと恐怖と気持ちの失効で子供を育てるではなく、愛を通じて子供に何か教えるのを見る事ができた。大体の家族は子供を独特の人間のとその個人の趣味などを全部認めて、自分と違う趣味を持つ事をこらしめない。自分の趣味ばかり押し付けない。私はよく「世の中やっていけない」と言われたから、家を出て成功するなんて奇跡でしょう。そして私がちゃんと普通に働いたり生活したりする人間になったの驚いてる。母に教わったことなら、怠けて、買い物ばっかりして、楽しい事しかやらない人間になることが良い、個人の性格と趣味を持つのがおかしい。時々私が苦しんでてもいじめられても偽物の笑顔ばかりしてハッピーでいられるような娘になれなくて悪いと思ってる。自分の意思をなくしてどんな趣味押し付けられても興味を持つ娘じゃなくてごめん。自分の意思や趣味を持ってわがままだったね。それでも私大丈夫だったかも。ラッキーだな。その「バカバカしい」「子供っぽい」日本のアニメをみたり、「うるさい」「アメリカからパクってる」日本の音楽を聞いたりして、外国語まで覚えやすくなった！そして私が「音楽の才能がない」でもテレビで歌ったり、カラオケコンテストの決戦までいったり、色んなパーティーなどで演奏したり、仕事の一部として歌ったり、そして歌う事で本当に楽しんでた。そして高校生時代からの「二度と会わないだろう」「ばか」の友達にもまだ会ってるし、皆凄くいい仲間です。そして本当の奇跡は、私の素晴らしい旦那さんです。私の事全部わかっていて、そして７年間付き合ってて４年結婚してても、「性格悪い」泣く事をいじわるしたり、パニックになったときに「狂った人の病院に行こう」と言った事もない。私が命を消そうとしたら救ってくれた。そしてこの新しい命も作ってくれた。愛してる。そして辛い思いさせて本当に悪かった。でも私のせいじゃないとわかっててよかった。http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ 

http://www.lightshouse.org/immature-or-aggressive-parents.html 

http://www.focusas.com/Abuse-Emotional.html 

http://eqi.org/eam1.htm 

http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-abuse/emotional-abuse.html 

http://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/article.asp?AID=648565 

http://www.ehow.com/info_8065936_signs-being-verbally-abused-parents.html 皆さん、まわりを見てごらん。外から見て普通に健康の人間に見える人たくさんいるけど、性格の障害、心の病気を持ってるかもしれない。そして傷やアザはないけど、虐待や暴力受けてる子供も沢山いる。その子供たちはその虐待を乗り越えることはないかもしれない。そして自分も大きくなって自分の子供が産まれて来たら、どうなる？また繰り返す。でも私のお腹にいる赤ちゃんにもっといい事をあげたい。どんな子供でも平和で、楽観的で、充実して考え方が広い人のいる環境にいるべき。そして子供は愛と尊敬を持って人間として預けるべき、そして個人の趣味などを持つ自由を与えるべき。安全のためにちゃんとした原則が必要。そして両親は現実的な予想と、自信を持つべき。子供は言う事聞くまで恐怖な気分にさせる必要ない。そしてしつけは合理的で状況に合ったものであるべき。自分の怒りとイライラが泊まらなくてただ殴ってるだけなのではない。ひと目の前で顔殴られて（人間として嫌いという一番のジェスチャー）恥ずかしい気分にする必要は絶対ない。だからこれを書いてます。繰り返しを破って、立ち直るためです。私の増える家族のためにこの位はできる。子供を愛する人間ならこの位はできる。どんな親でも理解できるはず、自分と自分のイメージが第一じゃない。変えることには遅いことはない。

私は大丈夫。大丈夫より良い。私は毒の両親から自由になった。そしてこのチャプターはもう終わりです。