My parents' response to my blog.

My mother and father are choosing to deny and ignore my “claims” of being physically and emotionally abused growing up. I received emails from my father in which he tells me my blog is "bullshit" and lies, and if I was really experiencing so many problems why didn't I talk to them? There is not a word of genuine concern about my illness, or suicide attempt. Just blaming me, as usual. I wonder why I didn't want to open up to them! (Also he is choosing to forget when I had a full-blown panic attack in front of them and my mother mocked me and they went on eating dinner like nothing had happened!)

When I was in elementary school, my mother would slap me in the face, pull my hair to force me onto the floor or into a corner, use shoes or hairbrushes to hit me in the head and body, all the while yelling and screaming at me in an absolute rage, terrifying me to the point where I would be scared to even look at her, let alone talk to her. I became shy, passive and withdrawn, which annoyed her and she would constantly tell me to "speak up" and say I was "not normal". I would get slapped in the face if I had an "attitude", and constantly told I was a "nerd" and had no talent, my friends were fat, ugly morons, and my hobbies were childish and stupid. It was like I was being bullied in my own house. So if I was bullied at school, I pretty much felt like it was my own fault, and I had no one to turn to except my friends who understood me.
I was also conditioned to jump at every command, something I still do at 25. That's something you would see between a drill sargent and a soldier, not a mother and child. 
However, they did support me a lot--financially. They always bought me stuff, paid for college, etc. In fact, my mother always found it insulting when I would go to the thrift store, or work minimum wage to earn my own money! I always wonder if I would have been liked more by my mother if I had been like my brother, who has the "winning personality" (but is in his 30s and still single) and just let her buy me mountains of "fashionable" clothing, cars I could wreck by driving carelessly, and clean my room and pay all of my bills into my 20's. 

This is the first time I've written about the physical abuse, and about my illness, but the emotional abuse is something I've been writing about for 10 years now. These are some of the entries from over the years in my Livejournal, cut and edited for length...there are many more entries like these. 

My dad comes into my room this morning and sees my wallpaper and says "Looking at those cartoons already?" and I go "It's not 'cartoons', it's AN-I-ME." and he decides to be a total asshole and look in the dictionary and define cartoon "a humorous situation depicted by fictional characters" and I go "Most anime is either action or drama, so it's not 'cartoons'." and he gets pissed off and tells me to stop talking to him like he's an idiot, even though he knows nothing about anime and he's trying to tell ME about it. And then he goes off on this little "Real musicians like all music even if they don't like the style itself and blah blah blah" and then my mom tells him to stop arguing with me because I'm a moron and my friends are morons and we all like silly little cartoons and I have no talent and I don't love music.
Last night I went to dinner with my parents. Then some american rock-blues-country ripoff band goes up and starts playing with heavy drums and bass...RIGHT after I finish eating an appetizer, a salad, two drinks and the main course (needless to say, I'm very full) and as I always do, I get nauseous for some reason. And then a headache. So, needless to say, I'm not a happy person. And so my dad tells me I'm being an asshole, and as soon as we get home, he smashes X/1999 and tells me to go to bed without turning the computer on. And that was after a nice long talk in the car about how a real musician would be listening to the music. And they tell me I'll never be a musician or an actor, and I tell them I wanted to be a teacher, and so they come back with "Those who can't do, teach." And then yell at me that a music teacher can't teach her kids about Japanese music because no one listens to it. And I told them that I don't want to be a music teacher, I want to be a chorus director. (Because most of my major inspirations/favorite teachers have been in CHORUS.) And they said "Good, because you don't need any talent to be a chorus director."
I cried myself to sleep last night trying to console myself with music from my mp3 player.Do they care?? NO! Do they realize they called their daughter talentless? No!Can't they just realize I'm happy with who I am and what I do and leave it at that?No, they have to nitpick and point out how when THEY were my age, they were better than me....Just because I'm not the best...(I never said I was the best, I just like what I do. I'm happy. I'll love every minute of Stage Crew.)
Last night, my parents suddenly spring on me that I'm going to see the Smothers Brothers. I tell them that I have a project to do and a play to memorize, so I can't go. They tell me that since I don't want to go to a *real* show, I can't go anywhere this weekend.
And then they start saying how I'm not talented, and not a real thespian, and I started crying. I couldn't stop myself this time. I asked them how they could say such a thing about their daughter, and they said basically that it's true. (And then they told me to cry all I wanted because they didn't CARE!?!?) I told them that I would have gotten the project done sooner, but my computer was freezing, and I said I'm sorry, and my mom goes "That's cuz you got all that japanese crap on there" and I told her the truth that I had been DLing showtunes for the past 2 weeks and she just says "Oh you do that to be cool with your friends cuz a REAL thespian wants to see every show out there and I know because I was one and I bet Damien Bucci would like to see the Smothers Brothers" and all that and I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't like her
...and then she tells me to start deleting stuff because I'm the big "Computer Expert" and I tell her I did, and she told me to delete my mp3's then! The mp3's that I've been DLing for over a year now? I told her I couldn't. And then she gets really pissed at me and goes "You can't?" and I told her I loved music so much that I lived by it, and she goes off into this whole "You're sick and obsessive" thing, just because I love music, and they refuse to believe that I have a interest in many types. They say I only like music because my friends do.And they don't realize that they have hurt me. As in emotional abuse. It's not normal for a person to go to school and have to fight her tears, and lose. I started crying in A period. I hate crying in school. It makes everyone look at me as a victim, someone to feel sorry for. I really hate that. I want to be the independent, strong. But no, when I cry like that, I just seem like some pathetic little girl who has to be comforted.
 I go down to get a donut, and I don't know which ones are jelly filled, so I pick two up and look for the lil hole where the jelly comes out, and then find that the glazed one has the jelly in it. My dad makes a remark about how rude I am (even though I just picked them up, I didn't lick my fingers or anything,) and I just look at him with a look that says "that was uncalled for, I want some food." and my mom out of NOWHERE slaps me across the face and tells me to get that stupid look off my face. And I shrug like "What stupid look?" and she starts yelling at me and bitching at me and my dad joins in too saying how stupid I look and how I really have no personality whatsoever, and then I just eat my donut....And then my mom starts bitching about how I must not have any social skills because I have pimples. I just got out of the fucking shower, of course my skin isn't caked with makeup yet! But no, she doesn't notice that even though my hair is wet. And then she starts badmouthing my friends and I had to keep myself from saying that she doesn't have any fucking rights to badmouth how her daughter and her daughter's friends look because looks are not that fucking important, I kept my mouth shut as always, because I'm passive.
So I'm standing in the kitchen today, and my mom says "Maybe we should give Sam the Florida car (the red tin can) and get another car for there." and I immediately go "No, that car is small and unsafe for a 16 year old to drive." You know, the voice of reason. And my parents start getting all bitchy and going "Most teenagers would be happy to get any car" and I try to say that I wouldn't feel safe at all in that car, and it would be very illogical to get a 16 year old a tiny red convertible made out of very thin metal in the first place, but they get into the whole "Oh, she has no personality at all" thing which pisses me off. And I can't go to the Playhouse today, because they don't want to drive me, which means I don't know when I'm going to see Music Man, or Kyle in the Little Mermaid, which pisses me off even further. I'm not going to cry. I'm...not. 
There go my parents on another "She has no personality and a bad attitude" rant. They're going to Atlantic City today, for all day. They couldn't take the half-hour to just drop me off at New Hope for the day and then pick me up at 11 or so. Just so you know, I could have something to do besides sit at the computer all day. They casually told me to take care of the dog, not mentioning where they're going or anything, and so I go "Wait..where are you going" You know, because it's nice to know where your parents went in case someone calls for them or something and I have to be the idiot that says "Well...I don't know where they went, they just went out..." So anyways, they tell me and THEN ask me if I want to go, and I politely say "No thanks.." and then my mom makes some snide comment about me staying on the computer all day, which is good because I don't have a personality anyway or something, and I go "Well, I wanted to go to New Hope today." and she starts saying how I'm so spoiled that I try to order them around and stuff...god...it gets on my nerves so much. God...I just started crying.....
And of course, I have to drop EVERYTHING and come at that very second. Because if I don't, they start yelling and bitching that I'm in "my own little world" up here and maybe even saying that I won't survive in real life or something stupid like that. I really resent that..I really don't appreciate having to drop everything I'm doing when my mom calls my name. I've even left boiling water in my room because of her!
My dad's being annoying as usual, and singing some stupid song from Music Man and changing the lyrics and I tell him to stop. He comes into my room, and starts freaking out and yelling at me that he's going to beat me and smack me (in less polite words) and crap like that if I ever say "Stop it" again and tells me I act like "a retarded 8-year-old". I don't know, I guess it's true...I do say it a lot, when he does stuff to annoy me. So yea, he threatens me with violence, then goes to tell my mother, as if he's proud of it or something. Yea, you threatened your daughter, good for you, want a cookie? So then she starts going off on me too, saying how immature I am, and how I have emotional problems, psychological problems, and all the while I'm trying to hold back tears, and then she goes into "well your friends may think you're nice, but the rest of the world thinks you're a jerk" which isn't true. It's only my parents. And then she's like "Well, you know you're never going to see your friends again after high school" and I lost it, tears started rolling down my face and my face crumpled. And then she starts to mock me. For crying. She starts making fun of me like "Oh, look, she's *crying* because she'll never see her friends again." And she kept referring to 4 people as my friends, and the rest of the world thinks I'm a jerk. A lot more than 4 people like me. And she's really insensitive for making fun of my crying. It's bad enough I'm GRADUATING in 2 WEEKS, and that's when I leave most people, and you make fun of me for crying when you mention it?
Thinking back over the summer.....Coming back, having a big fight with my parents over how "dangerous" it is to have an online journal, having overpriced beauty products thrown at me by my mom to try and make me "perfect" or something, constantly being talked about in front of and behind my back by my parents, about how I have a horrible attitude....I'm so happy to leave.
So I'm in the car, I decide to call Yasushi cuz it's about midnight where he is and I didn't get to talk to him online before I left. So my mom forgot her Ricola cough drops. She starts having a tantrum about it, in a small car, yelling nonsense about bags and cough drops...and I'm sitting there trying to talk on a phone. I manage to get out "Sorry, call you back" before I hang up because I seriously could not hear anything at all besides her shouting. So I tell my mom that she was being really loud and I was trying to call someone. She responds that I shouldn't be using a cellphone in a car. WTF? Am I driving? No. Is it midnight in Japan and my boyfriend has to get up at 7 am? Yes. And now he's waiting for me to call him back.So my mom goes on to tell me how I'M rude, inconsiderate to those around me, and of course, the much revisited "You have no personality and a horrible attitude and everyone you know will see through you and desert you because that's who you are inside" talk.Which I thought I'd be able to block it out, but it really hurt, especially the idea that Yasushi will hate me someday because of who I am.Which I know is stupid, because um, it's not true, but still. I started crying the minute I got out of the car and called Yasushi. 
Parents give much love in materials. They're quick to buy me something or give me a $20, but until now I feel like my friends and Yasushi are the ones that were with me in hard times, while my parents just yell at me or make halfhearted attempts, or ignore me.When I'm 3,000 miles or so away, I'm wonderful, smart, loved, beautiful, and exceptional and bragged about to anyone who comes within earshot.When I'm here, I'm an embarrassment, selfish, stupid, bratty, and have a horrible personality. I wonder why I prefer being 3,000 miles away. Luckily I won't have to come back.  

it just really fucking hurts a lot when my own parents say I'm a horrible person and that whatever I show to others, whether it be all my friends who have been with me through thick and thin, my boyfriend who has also been there for me despite being so far away, and even my coworkers is just some fake facade that will fade away, and then everyone will hate me and leave me. You know, like my parents do. Hate me. That's what's being implied. It really hurts to think that after all this time, Yasushi would be that shallow to leave me because I do something so horrible like shut the door when I think the TV/bass practice is too loud, ask my mom to be quiet when she's yelling at the top of her lungs about something trivial while we're all in a small car and I'm trying to talk on the phone to someone I haven't seen for 6 months and only get to talk to for maybe an hour a day if I'm lucky and if he deprives himself of sleep to do so. It hurts to think of someone so sweet, loving, caring, and just totally in tune with me (or that facade that my mom is talking about because she's older than me and wise so she MUST know EVERYTHING about me, including my private thoughts and phone conversations in Japanese!) would up and leave me after all this time because of something they percieve as me being rude. 
So this morning Yasushi got to see how it is. I'm talking to Yasushi, minding my own business, and my dad asks me about work. I tell him I don't have it today, and go back into my room. My mom tells me to shut the door if I think she's so loud all the time. So of course I do, but does my mom just nod and let it go? No. She starts ranting and raving right outside my door, like it's this horrible rude thing of me to say she's loud because of more than a few times I've been in my room, talking to Yasushi on the phone or on the computer, with the door closed, and even Yasushi made a comment about how much he could hear my mom's voice/the TV/music, etc. So I just explain that she's talking about me again, and of course she never lets up.When I'm half a world away they'll miss having me around to show off. Of course that's when I'm not being a horrible embarrassing brat that everyone thinks is a jerk with no personality. That's the kind of loving praise they only save for me. 
I like going to work and school. When I'm there, at least I get praised. Today I washed dishes. The dishwasher was out, and so the cutter was doing dishes, and the manager was doing cutting. The manager has a lot of work to do, especially on Sundays, with the inventory, money, etc. And there were 2 other servers besides me,   I didn't really want to deal with customers having been verbally abused yet again, so I asked the manager if I could go down and do dishes. So I did, she got her work done, things balanced out.Of course when I tell my mom I washed dishes she makes some comment like "why did you do that? That's a job that Mexicans who don't speak English do!" Right. I'm a prissy little white girl from Yardley and I would just die if I had to do work! 

So I got the "you're a spoiled selfish brat and people will see your real personality and leave you because of it" talk AGAIN today. Because I didn't jump out of my seat and run down when I was told there was food in the kitchen for me to eat, because I happened to be talking to someone from Louisiana that's in Japan right now, so serious talk + it's really late in Japan when it's morning/early afternoon here. I said "OK" and then my mom yells again "There's breakfast down here!" and I go "OK!" and she bitches about me about my attitude. And then she was bitching to my dad about how I spent 2 hours talking to Yasushi on MSN. 

First off, I would like to thank my parents. Because while I was on the headset talking to Yasushi they were yelling that I was an asshole and that Yasushi would divorce me within a year. Yasushi heard it, and after I gave a direct translation it prompted a very long talk and now we have become even closer and I can count on that he will be by my side. So thank you Mom and Dad for bringing Yasushi even closer to me. And ensuring that I will not be coming home again anytime soon. I say that every summer. I mean it this time. 
But this is only my personal account of the events. My father complains that this is "one-sided",  and he defends my mother's temper tantrums and rages as "expressing her emotions and opinions like normal people do." and "not everyone can be like Japanese, talking with their hand over their mouth"?? I've lived with and interacted with people from all over the world, and most adults I've met can handle stressful situations calmly and with respect for other people, not flipping out and screaming at everyone and thin air.
But again, this is only what happened inside the house. Outside, and on Facebook, my mother always praises her wonderful, beautiful, smart daughter, living such a perfect life in Hawaii or Japan, of course when she isn't posting pictures of her own wonderful life, dropping hundreds of dollars on doing her hair and nails and eating out weekly, and going to her condo in the Caribbean. Do you think she would tell her friends that her daughter suffers from depression and anxiety, tried to kill herself, and currently lives in a 1 bedroom apartment she wouldn't use as a closet, and that our household income is technically below the poverty line for a family of 3 in Hawaii?
Even when Yasushi and I stayed at the house until February of this year, she would loudly declare within earshot that we "lived like pigs", storming angrily around the house, scrubbing the shower furiously with bleach every time one of us used it, or washing all of the dishes and wiping down the counters banging and huffing and puffing while I was still eating lunch. When they were in the Caribbean, we spent hours cleaning her kitchen cabinets and throwing out food that was months and years past the expiration dates, and I got yelled and screamed at venomously over the phone about how she can clean her own kitchen and how self-righteous I was! But after we went to Hawaii there were sappy posts on Facebook about how wonderfully I had cleaned the cabinets, and how much she missed me!

Apparently my blog has made her horribly depressed and she "cries every day". Oh, really? Am I supposed to feel sorry? What happened when I cried, and even had a panic attack, right in front of her? "You have psychological problems" "Oh poor baby" "Cry all you want, I don't care." Oh, and trying to make me feel guilty when I have written about being hours away from dying of suicide, and you don't even say a word of concern for me!

It's not like I'm writing this blog for her anyway. I'm writing it for myself, so I can be a stronger person for my daughter. Maybe my mother should have tried to bring me up better emotionally, rather than focusing on how much money she could spend on me.

My mother also sent me an email. It was simply titled "aspergers and you" with a wikipedia article. That actually gave me a laugh because I've worked with children with Asperger's, and so have other friends and coworkers of mine. No child or adult with undiagnosed and untreated Asperger's would willingly move halfway around the world and change jobs every few years, and its very unlikely that they would be able to have several lasting friendships, and be married for years as well. Then I guess she was pissed that I didn't respond to the email, so sent me a cold, unemotional email about how she would never contact me again, and"how sad it is that you won't have a mother anymore". 

I guess would be easier for my mother if I just had Asperger's, because then all of her insults about me being a "mental patient" and having "no social skills" would then be justified. But actually, I have atypical depression and a mild anxiety disorder. 

Depression and anxiety is not just something people "make up" to "get attention". It is real, and painful. I was hours away from dying, and close to getting divorced because of it. Likewise, verbal abuse is also very real, and the effects last a lifetime, as proved by countless studies. Also, when I asked for advice on several child abuse and medical forums, I was directed to pages about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

I wish I was making this up. I wish I could have had a normal relationship with my parents, like all the other families I had the fortune of knowing and interacting with throughout my years in Hawaii and Japan. Parents weren't violent or abusive when disciplining, rather they treated the child with respect and encouraged them to talk and work out their feelings. And the children had so much confidence and were so comfortable with themselves, and not fearful of their parents, but respected rules and boundaries when they were explained clearly as you would do with any fellow human being. 

Maybe if my parents could acknowledge what they have done, and take steps like therapy to try and mend some of the broken pieces, we could still have a family. But if they insist on saying that they did everything perfectly, and I'm simply a liar and mental patient, then I simply cannot have them in my life, especially with my daughter in the picture.
As my mother said to my husband "I am done with you, Bye bye!"




夕べ、両親が急に「Smothers Brothers」という漫才を見に行くって。でも私は学校のプロジェクトがあって、演劇部の台詞も覚えなきゃいけないから行けないって断った。それでこんないい舞台を見に行かないなら、週末どこにも行かせないって言われた。




私がもしアスペルガーを持ってたなら、母は楽だったのでしょう。そしたら「精神障害者」「社会にやっていけないだろう」とか言ってたことは正しかったんでしょう。でも私の持ってる病気は、パニック性不安うつ病 だと思います。




1 件のコメント:

  1. That you went through all this and still reached the point where you are now (having a husband, soon to being a mum, being fluent in jpns, having lived abroad and such)! To see this is really inspiring. I think you will be able to overcome all the hardships that are to come.
    I hope you will blog about your current situation soon! :)