My parents' response to my blog.

My mother and father are choosing to deny and ignore my “claims” of being physically and emotionally abused growing up. I received emails from my father in which he tells me my blog is "bullshit" and lies, and if I was really experiencing so many problems why didn't I talk to them? There is not a word of genuine concern about my illness, or suicide attempt. Just blaming me, as usual. I wonder why I didn't want to open up to them! (Also he is choosing to forget when I had a full-blown panic attack in front of them and my mother mocked me and they went on eating dinner like nothing had happened!)

When I was in elementary school, my mother would slap me in the face, pull my hair to force me onto the floor or into a corner, use shoes or hairbrushes to hit me in the head and body, all the while yelling and screaming at me in an absolute rage, terrifying me to the point where I would be scared to even look at her, let alone talk to her. I became shy, passive and withdrawn, which annoyed her and she would constantly tell me to "speak up" and say I was "not normal". I would get slapped in the face if I had an "attitude", and constantly told I was a "nerd" and had no talent, my friends were fat, ugly morons, and my hobbies were childish and stupid. It was like I was being bullied in my own house. So if I was bullied at school, I pretty much felt like it was my own fault, and I had no one to turn to except my friends who understood me.

I was also conditioned to jump at every command, something I still do at 25. That's something you would see between a drill sargent and a soldier, not a mother and child. 

However, they did support me a lot--financially. They always bought me stuff, paid for college, etc. In fact, my mother always found it insulting when I would go to the thrift store, or work minimum wage to earn my own money! I always wonder if I would have been liked more by my mother if I had been like my brother, who has the "winning personality" (but is in his 30s and still single) and just let her buy me mountains of "fashionable" clothing, cars I could wreck by driving carelessly, and clean my room and pay all of my bills into my 20's. 

This is the first time I've written about the physical abuse, and about my illness, but the emotional abuse is something I've been writing about for 10 years now. These are some of the entries from over the years in my Livejournal, cut and edited for length...there are many more entries like these. 

7/3/2001

My dad comes into my room this morning and sees my wallpaper and says "Looking at those cartoons already?" and I go "It's not 'cartoons', it's AN-I-ME." and he decides to be a total asshole and look in the dictionary and define cartoon "a humorous situation depicted by fictional characters" and I go "Most anime is either action or drama, so it's not 'cartoons'." and he gets pissed off and tells me to stop talking to him like he's an idiot, even though he knows nothing about anime and he's trying to tell ME about it. And then he goes off on this little "Real musicians like all music even if they don't like the style itself and blah blah blah" and then my mom tells him to stop arguing with me because I'm a moron and my friends are morons and we all like silly little cartoons and I have no talent and I don't love music.

8/12/2001

Last night I went to dinner with my parents. Then some american rock-blues-country ripoff band goes up and starts playing with heavy drums and bass...RIGHT after I finish eating an appetizer, a salad, two drinks and the main course (needless to say, I'm very full) and as I always do, I get nauseous for some reason. And then a headache. So, needless to say, I'm not a happy person. And so my dad tells me I'm being an asshole, and as soon as we get home, he smashes X/1999 and tells me to go to bed without turning the computer on. And that was after a nice long talk in the car about how a real musician would be listening to the music. And they tell me I'll never be a musician or an actor, and I tell them I wanted to be a teacher, and so they come back with "Those who can't do, teach." And then yell at me that a music teacher can't teach her kids about Japanese music because no one listens to it. And I told them that I don't want to be a music teacher, I want to be a chorus director. (Because most of my major inspirations/favorite teachers have been in CHORUS.) And they said "Good, because you don't need any talent to be a chorus director."
I cried myself to sleep last night trying to console myself with music from my mp3 player.Do they care?? NO! Do they realize they called their daughter talentless? No!Can't they just realize I'm happy with who I am and what I do and leave it at that?No, they have to nitpick and point out how when THEY were my age, they were better than me....Just because I'm not the best...(I never said I was the best, I just like what I do. I'm happy. I'll love every minute of Stage Crew.)

10/05/2001

Last night, my parents suddenly spring on me that I'm going to see the Smothers Brothers. I tell them that I have a project to do and a play to memorize, so I can't go. They tell me that since I don't want to go to a *real* show, I can't go anywhere this weekend.
And then they start saying how I'm not talented, and not a real thespian, and I started crying. I couldn't stop myself this time. I asked them how they could say such a thing about their daughter, and they said basically that it's true. (And then they told me to cry all I wanted because they didn't CARE!?!?) I told them that I would have gotten the project done sooner, but my computer was freezing, and I said I'm sorry, and my mom goes "That's cuz you got all that japanese crap on there" and I told her the truth that I had been DLing showtunes for the past 2 weeks and she just says "Oh you do that to be cool with your friends cuz a REAL thespian wants to see every show out there and I know because I was one and I bet Damien Bucci would like to see the Smothers Brothers" and all that and I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't like her...and then she tells me to start deleting stuff because I'm the big "Computer Expert" and I tell her I did, and she told me to delete my mp3's then! The mp3's that I've been DLing for over a year now? I told her I couldn't. And then she gets really pissed at me and goes "You can't?" and I told her I loved music so much that I lived by it, and she goes off into this whole "You're sick and obsessive" thing, just because I love music, and they refuse to believe that I have a interest in many types. They say I only like music because my friends do.And they don't realize that they have hurt me. As in emotional abuse. It's not normal for a person to go to school and have to fight her tears, and lose. I started crying in A period. I hate crying in school. It makes everyone look at me as a victim, someone to feel sorry for. I really hate that. I want to be the independent, strong. But no, when I cry like that, I just seem like some pathetic little girl who has to be comforted.

6/15/2002

 I go down to get a donut, and I don't know which ones are jelly filled, so I pick two up and look for the lil hole where the jelly comes out, and then find that the glazed one has the jelly in it. My dad makes a remark about how rude I am (even though I just picked them up, I didn't lick my fingers or anything,) and I just look at him with a look that says "that was uncalled for, I want some food." and my mom out of NOWHERE slaps me across the face and tells me to get that stupid look off my face. And I shrug like "What stupid look?" and she starts yelling at me and bitching at me and my dad joins in too saying how stupid I look and how I really have no personality whatsoever, and then I just eat my donut....And then my mom starts bitching about how I must not have any social skills because I have pimples. I just got out of the fucking shower, of course my skin isn't caked with makeup yet! But no, she doesn't notice that even though my hair is wet. And then she starts badmouthing my friends and I had to keep myself from saying that she doesn't have any fucking rights to badmouth how her daughter and her daughter's friends look because looks are not that fucking important, I kept my mouth shut as always, because I'm passive.

7/04/2002

So I'm standing in the kitchen today, and my mom says "Maybe we should give Sam the Florida car (the red tin can) and get another car for there." and I immediately go "No, that car is small and unsafe for a 16 year old to drive." You know, the voice of reason. And my parents start getting all bitchy and going "Most teenagers would be happy to get any car" and I try to say that I wouldn't feel safe at all in that car, and it would be very illogical to get a 16 year old a tiny red convertible made out of very thin metal in the first place, but they get into the whole "Oh, she has no personality at all" thing which pisses me off. And I can't go to the Playhouse today, because they don't want to drive me, which means I don't know when I'm going to see Music Man, or Kyle in the Little Mermaid, which pisses me off even further. I'm not going to cry. I'm...not. 

There go my parents on another "She has no personality and a bad attitude" rant. They're going to Atlantic City today, for all day. They couldn't take the half-hour to just drop me off at New Hope for the day and then pick me up at 11 or so. Just so you know, I could have something to do besides sit at the computer all day. They casually told me to take care of the dog, not mentioning where they're going or anything, and so I go "Wait..where are you going" You know, because it's nice to know where your parents went in case someone calls for them or something and I have to be the idiot that says "Well...I don't know where they went, they just went out..." So anyways, they tell me and THEN ask me if I want to go, and I politely say "No thanks.." and then my mom makes some snide comment about me staying on the computer all day, which is good because I don't have a personality anyway or something, and I go "Well, I wanted to go to New Hope today." and she starts saying how I'm so spoiled that I try to order them around and stuff...god...it gets on my nerves so much. God...I just started crying.....

5/05/2003

And of course, I have to drop EVERYTHING and come at that very second. Because if I don't, they start yelling and bitching that I'm in "my own little world" up here and maybe even saying that I won't survive in real life or something stupid like that. I really resent that..I really don't appreciate having to drop everything I'm doing when my mom calls my name. I've even left boiling water in my room because of her!

6/08/2003

My dad's being annoying as usual, and singing some stupid song from Music Man and changing the lyrics and I tell him to stop. He comes into my room, and starts freaking out and yelling at me that he's going to beat me and smack me (in less polite words) and crap like that if I ever say "Stop it" again and tells me I act like "a retarded 8-year-old". I don't know, I guess it's true...I do say it a lot, when he does stuff to annoy me. So yea, he threatens me with violence, then goes to tell my mother, as if he's proud of it or something. Yea, you threatened your daughter, good for you, want a cookie? So then she starts going off on me too, saying how immature I am, and how I have emotional problems, psychological problems, and all the while I'm trying to hold back tears, and then she goes into "well your friends may think you're nice, but the rest of the world thinks you're a jerk" which isn't true. It's only my parents. And then she's like "Well, you know you're never going to see your friends again after high school" and I lost it, tears started rolling down my face and my face crumpled. And then she starts to mock me. For crying. She starts making fun of me like "Oh, look, she's *crying* because she'll never see her friends again." And she kept referring to 4 people as my friends, and the rest of the world thinks I'm a jerk. A lot more than 4 people like me. And she's really insensitive for making fun of my crying. It's bad enough I'm GRADUATING in 2 WEEKS, and that's when I leave most people, and you make fun of me for crying when you mention it?

8/20/2004

Thinking back over the summer.....Coming back, having a big fight with my parents over how "dangerous" it is to have an online journal, having overpriced beauty products thrown at me by my mom to try and make me "perfect" or something, constantly being talked about in front of and behind my back by my parents, about how I have a horrible attitude....I'm so happy to leave.

7/25/2005

So I'm in the car, I decide to call Yasushi cuz it's about midnight where he is and I didn't get to talk to him online before I left. So my mom forgot her Ricola cough drops. She starts having a tantrum about it, in a small car, yelling nonsense about bags and cough drops...and I'm sitting there trying to talk on a phone. I manage to get out "Sorry, call you back" before I hang up because I seriously could not hear anything at all besides her shouting. So I tell my mom that she was being really loud and I was trying to call someone. She responds that I shouldn't be using a cellphone in a car. WTF? Am I driving? No. Is it midnight in Japan and my boyfriend has to get up at 7 am? Yes. And now he's waiting for me to call him back.So my mom goes on to tell me how I'M rude, inconsiderate to those around me, and of course, the much revisited "You have no personality and a horrible attitude and everyone you know will see through you and desert you because that's who you are inside" talk.Which I thought I'd be able to block it out, but it really hurt, especially the idea that Yasushi will hate me someday because of who I am.Which I know is stupid, because um, it's not true, but still. I started crying the minute I got out of the car and called Yasushi. 
Parents give much love in materials. They're quick to buy me something or give me a $20, but until now I feel like my friends and Yasushi are the ones that were with me in hard times, while my parents just yell at me or make halfhearted attempts, or ignore me.When I'm 3,000 miles or so away, I'm wonderful, smart, loved, beautiful, and exceptional and bragged about to anyone who comes within earshot.When I'm here, I'm an embarrassment, selfish, stupid, bratty, and have a horrible personality. I wonder why I prefer being 3,000 miles away. Luckily I won't have to come back.  

8/15/2005

it just really fucking hurts a lot when my own parents say I'm a horrible person and that whatever I show to others, whether it be all my friends who have been with me through thick and thin, my boyfriend who has also been there for me despite being so far away, and even my coworkers is just some fake facade that will fade away, and then everyone will hate me and leave me. You know, like my parents do. Hate me. That's what's being implied. It really hurts to think that after all this time, Yasushi would be that shallow to leave me because I do something so horrible like shut the door when I think the TV/bass practice is too loud, ask my mom to be quiet when she's yelling at the top of her lungs about something trivial while we're all in a small car and I'm trying to talk on the phone to someone I haven't seen for 6 months and only get to talk to for maybe an hour a day if I'm lucky and if he deprives himself of sleep to do so. It hurts to think of someone so sweet, loving, caring, and just totally in tune with me (or that facade that my mom is talking about because she's older than me and wise so she MUST know EVERYTHING about me, including my private thoughts and phone conversations in Japanese!) would up and leave me after all this time because of something they percieve as me being rude. 

8/16/2005

So this morning Yasushi got to see how it is. I'm talking to Yasushi, minding my own business, and my dad asks me about work. I tell him I don't have it today, and go back into my room. My mom tells me to shut the door if I think she's so loud all the time. So of course I do, but does my mom just nod and let it go? No. She starts ranting and raving right outside my door, like it's this horrible rude thing of me to say she's loud because of more than a few times I've been in my room, talking to Yasushi on the phone or on the computer, with the door closed, and even Yasushi made a comment about how much he could hear my mom's voice/the TV/music, etc. So I just explain that she's talking about me again, and of course she never lets up.When I'm half a world away they'll miss having me around to show off. Of course that's when I'm not being a horrible embarrassing brat that everyone thinks is a jerk with no personality. That's the kind of loving praise they only save for me. 

I like going to work and school. When I'm there, at least I get praised. Today I washed dishes. The dishwasher was out, and so the cutter was doing dishes, and the manager was doing cutting. The manager has a lot of work to do, especially on Sundays, with the inventory, money, etc. And there were 2 other servers besides me,   I didn't really want to deal with customers having been verbally abused yet again, so I asked the manager if I could go down and do dishes. So I did, she got her work done, things balanced out.Of course when I tell my mom I washed dishes she makes some comment like "why did you do that? That's a job that Mexicans who don't speak English do!" Right. I'm a prissy little white girl from Yardley and I would just die if I had to do work! 

9/02/2005

So I got the "you're a spoiled selfish brat and people will see your real personality and leave you because of it" talk AGAIN today. Because I didn't jump out of my seat and run down when I was told there was food in the kitchen for me to eat, because I happened to be talking to someone from Louisiana that's in Japan right now, so serious talk + it's really late in Japan when it's morning/early afternoon here. I said "OK" and then my mom yells again "There's breakfast down here!" and I go "OK!" and she bitches about me about my attitude. And then she was bitching to my dad about how I spent 2 hours talking to Yasushi on MSN. 

6/17/2006

First off, I would like to thank my parents. Because while I was on the headset talking to Yasushi they were yelling that I was an asshole and that Yasushi would divorce me within a year. Yasushi heard it, and after I gave a direct translation it prompted a very long talk and now we have become even closer and I can count on that he will be by my side. So thank you Mom and Dad for bringing Yasushi even closer to me. And ensuring that I will not be coming home again anytime soon. I say that every summer. I mean it this time. 

But this is only my personal account of the events. My father complains that this is "one-sided",  and he defends my mother's temper tantrums and rages as "expressing her emotions and opinions like normal people do." and "not everyone can be like Japanese, talking with their hand over their mouth"?? I've lived with and interacted with people from all over the world, and most adults I've met can handle stressful situations calmly and with respect for other people, not flipping out and screaming at everyone and thin air.
But again, this is only what happened inside the house. Outside, and on Facebook, my mother always praises her wonderful, beautiful, smart daughter, living such a perfect life in Hawaii or Japan, of course when she isn't posting pictures of her own wonderful life, dropping hundreds of dollars on doing her hair and nails and eating out weekly, and going to her condo in the Caribbean. Do you think she would tell her friends that her daughter suffers from depression and anxiety, tried to kill herself, and currently lives in a 1 bedroom apartment she wouldn't use as a closet, and that our household income is technically below the poverty line for a family of 3 in Hawaii?
Even when Yasushi and I stayed at the house until February of this year, she would loudly declare within earshot that we "lived like pigs", storming angrily around the house, scrubbing the shower furiously with bleach every time one of us used it, or washing all of the dishes and wiping down the counters banging and huffing and puffing while I was still eating lunch. When they were in the Caribbean, we spent hours cleaning her kitchen cabinets and throwing out food that was months and years past the expiration dates, and I got yelled and screamed at venomously over the phone about how she can clean her own kitchen and how self-righteous I was! But after we went to Hawaii there were sappy posts on Facebook about how wonderfully I had cleaned the cabinets, and how much she missed me!

Apparently my blog has made her horribly depressed and she "cries every day". Oh, really? Am I supposed to feel sorry? What happened when I cried, and even had a panic attack, right in front of her? "You have psychological problems" "Oh poor baby" "Cry all you want, I don't care." Oh, and trying to make me feel guilty when I have written about being hours away from dying of suicide, and you don't even say a word of concern for me!

It's not like I'm writing this blog for her anyway. I'm writing it for myself, so I can be a stronger person for my daughter. Maybe my mother should have tried to bring me up better emotionally, rather than focusing on how much money she could spend on me.


My mother also sent me an email. It was simply titled "aspergers and you" with a wikipedia article. That actually gave me a laugh because I've worked with children with Asperger's, and so have other friends and coworkers of mine. No child or adult with undiagnosed and untreated Asperger's would willingly move halfway around the world and change jobs every few years, and its very unlikely that they would be able to have several lasting friendships, and be married for years as well. Then I guess she was pissed that I didn't respond to the email, so sent me a cold, unemotional email about how she would never contact me again, and"how sad it is that you won't have a mother anymore". 


I guess would be easier for my mother if I just had Asperger's, because then all of her insults about me being a "mental patient" and having "no social skills" would then be justified. But actually, I have atypical depression and a mild anxiety disorder. 


Depression and anxiety is not just something people "make up" to "get attention". It is real, and painful. I was hours away from dying, and close to getting divorced because of it. Likewise, verbal abuse is also very real, and the effects last a lifetime, as proved by countless studies. Also, when I asked for advice on several child abuse and medical forums, I was directed to pages about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

I wish I was making this up. I wish I could have had a normal relationship with my parents, like all the other families I had the fortune of knowing and interacting with throughout my years in Hawaii and Japan. Parents weren't violent or abusive when disciplining, rather they treated the child with respect and encouraged them to talk and work out their feelings. And the children had so much confidence and were so comfortable with themselves, and not fearful of their parents, but respected rules and boundaries when they were explained clearly as you would do with any fellow human being. 


Maybe if my parents could acknowledge what they have done, and take steps like therapy to try and mend some of the broken pieces, we could still have a family. But if they insist on saying that they did everything perfectly, and I'm simply a liar and mental patient, then I simply cannot have them in my life, especially with my daughter in the picture.
As my mother said to my husband "I am done with you, Bye bye!"

母と父は私が肉体的と精神的に虐待されたという発言を不実と言ってます。父からブログに書いたことは全部嘘と訴えて、そんな問題が本当にあれば相談するはずというメールをもらいました。でもメールの中で自分の娘は精神の病気になって、自殺もしようとしてたことで心配の言葉が一つもない。ただ全部を私のせいにしようとしています。それで私がどうして相談する気はなかったんでしょう。（しかも、目の前でパニックになって、母に意地悪されてそれから二人に無視されたの忘れてるみたいです）

私が小学生の時、お母さんはちょっとしたことで怒りが止まらず、大きい声で私に向かって叫びながら顔を殴ったり、髪の毛をつかんで床か角の所まで引っ張ったり、靴やブラシで頭や体を殴ったりしてました。恐怖でお母さんの顔も見ることができなくなって、しゃべることももちろん、できませんでした。シャイになったら母がイラついて「ちゃんとしゃべろ」「おかしい」と言いました。「態度が悪い」と顔たたかれる、そしていつも「オタク」とか言われて、才能がない、友達までデブ、バカ、ブス、そして自分の趣味も子供っぽくてバカみたいと言われました。家の中でいじめされてたんです。それで学校でいじめされたら、自分のせいだと思い込んでしまい、数人の友達しかわかってくれる人はいないと感じました。

そして今２５歳になっても必ず母によばれたらビクッと反応して答えます。それは親子関係ではなく、まるで新兵訓練係と兵隊みたいな関係でした。

でも経済的には必ずサポートはしました。いつも欲しいものなど買ってくれたり、大学の授業料払ったりしてくれました。そして私が古着で安いものをかったり、低い時給のアルバイトしてお金を自分で貯めようとしたりしたら母がまたムカついたみたいです。私がもし「性格がいい」（と言われるけど３０歳過ぎても独身）兄のマネして「おしゃれ」な服をいっぱい買わせたり、車何台も買ってもらって、壊したり、そして２０代になっても自分でちゃんと仕事ができず、部屋の掃除してもらったら、私も母ともっと中がよかったのでしょうかね。

肉体的な虐待と、私の病気をブログで書いたのが初めてです。でも言葉の暴力されたことは１０年位ブログに書いてました。ここに日記何個かアップします。長いので少しカットした部分もあります。

２００１年７月３日

今朝父が今朝部屋に入ってパソコンの壁紙みて「もうそのcartoonみてるの？」って。そして私は「cartoonじゃなくて、アニメだよ」っていったら、その嫌なやつがわざわざ辞書を引いて、「cartoonとは、フィクションのキャラクターが描くユーモアのある話。。。」そして私は「アニメの多くはアクションやドラマに入るので、cartoonと違う」と言ったら、バカにしないでと怒られて（アニメのこと本当わかってないのに。。。）それから「本当に音楽が好きならジャンル関係なく全部好きなはず」とか言って、そして母はもう話するのやめて、彼女はバカで、彼女の友達もバカで、皆変なアニメをみたりして、本当の才能は何もないって言った。

 　　２００１年８月１２日

夕べ両親と晩ご飯食べに行った。そしてアメリカンなロックかカントリーかブルーズみたいなバンドが演奏し初めた。私は前菜、サラダ、ディナー食べて飲み物も二杯飲んだからドラムとベーズの音で気持ち悪くなってきて、頭も痛くなった。だから、あまり嬉しい気分ではなかった。そしてお父さんに「くそ女」とか言われて、家に帰ったらX/1999のビデオテープをぶっ壊してパソコン付けずにすぐ寝ろって。しかも帰りの車でずっと愚痴を言ってからだった。本当のミュージシャンなら音楽喜んで聞くはず、って。私は一生ミュージシャンか俳優になるはずがない、って。そして私は先生になりたいと言ったら、「才能がない人間は先生になるんだ」って。そして音楽の先生なら生徒に日本の音楽なんか聞かせたらだめだ、って。それで私は音楽の先生ではなく、コンクールの担当の先生になりたいって（なぜならいつもコンクールの担当が一番好きな先生だったから）そして両親が「才能なくてもできるからいいね」って。
寝る前に音楽聞きながらいっぱい泣いた。両親はそれ気にするのか？しないでしょう。娘に才能がないって言ったの本当に自分でわかってるかな？わかってないでしょう。私が今の自分で、今のやってることで幸せになれるってわかって放っといてくれるの？しないでしょう。いつも両親は自分が私と同じ年代だった時、私よりずっと凄かったとかと言ってる。私が自分が凄いなんて言ってないのに。。。（凄くなくても、今やってることが好き。ミュージカルのオーディション落ちても、スタッフになれるのが嬉しい）

 ２００１年１０月５日

夕べ、両親が急に「Smothers Brothers」という漫才を見に行くって。でも私は学校のプロジェクトがあって、演劇部の台詞も覚えなきゃいけないから行けないって断った。それでこんないい舞台を見に行かないなら、週末どこにも行かせないって言われた。
それに才能がないと、演劇が好きな人じゃない、と言われたら、私が泣き出した。どうして自分の娘にこんなこと言えるのと聞いたら、本当だからと答えた。（そして泣きたければ泣けばって、気にしないよって。。？？）
私はもっと早くプロジェクト終わらせたはずだけど、パソコンの調子が悪くて、ごめんと謝ったら、母が「そんな日本のゴミのやつがいっぱい入ってるからでしょう」って言って、私が実は最近ブロードウェーの音楽いっぱいダウンロードしてるって言った。そして母が「それはただ演劇部の人に格好付けてみせたいだけだからでしょう。本当に演劇が好きなら何の舞台でも見に行きたいはず、私はあなたの年代の時どんな舞台でも喜んで見に行ったよ。あなたの学校の演劇部の仲間なら絶対見に行くはずだよ」などなど、私がごめんね、母みたいになれなくて、と言った。。。そして母はパソコンの天才ならファイルを削除してパソコンを速くすればと言って、私はそうやったと答えて、そして母は音楽のファイルも削除しろと！一年以上かけてダウンロードした音楽のファイルなんか削除できない！そう言ったら母がムカついて「できないの？」って、私が音楽大好きで、生活に必要と返事したら、「オタクすぎて気持ち悪い」って。私はただ音楽が大好きで、色んなジャンルに興味を持ってるということはどうして両親に理解できないだろう。私はただ友達と合わせてるから音楽が好きだと両親が言ってる。
そして両親は私に傷ついたこと理解できてない。これは言葉の暴力。学校に行っても涙押さえられないのは普通じゃない。学校の１時間目に泣いちゃった。学校で泣くのが凄い嫌。可哀想で、弱い人みたいだから。私は独立で強くなりたいのに。でもそうやって泣いてたら周りに慰めてもらわないと行けない惨めな子みたい。

 ２００２年６月１５日

ドーナツを食べるためにキッチンに行った。ジャム入りはどっちかわからなかったので、二つ手に取ってジャムが入ってる穴を探して、グレーズの方はジャム入りだとわかった。父が「失礼だ」と何か愚痴を言ってきた（ただ手に取って見てただけだったのに、指を舐めてからとかじゃなかったでしょう）そして私は「どうしてそんなこと言うの、ただ食べたいだけだよ」という表情でみたら、母が顔をたたいて、そんなバカな顔するなって怒った。それで「バカな顔？」と表情したら母が怒って叫んだり愚痴言ったりし初めて、父も一緒にバカな顔してるとか、性格悪いとか、言ってた。それで私はドーナッツを食べた。。。。そしてお母さんが私はニキビがあるから人と付き合うの下手と言った。私さっきシャワー浴びたばかりでノーメイクだよ。でも髪の毛も濡れたままなのにそれがわかんないでしょう。しかもそれから母が私の友達の悪口まで言い続けた。母は娘と娘の友達を意地悪する権利がない、見た目だけが大事な訳じゃない、と言いたかったけど口を閉じて我慢した。いつものように我慢した、私が消極的な性格だから。

 ２００２年７月４日

私がキッチンにいたら、母が父に「サムにフロリダの車（赤いアルミ缶みたいなやつ）あげて、フロリダ用の車もう一台でも買おうかな。」と言った。そして私はすぐに「いや、１６歳にそういう車を運転させるのは危ないんじゃない」といったら両親はムカついて「普通の子なら両親から車なんて貰えるの喜ぶでしょう。」それで私はその車が安全じゃないと、１６歳に小さい薄いボディーのオープンカーを運転させるのは合理的な考えじゃないと言ってみたら、またまたその「性格悪い」ネタになって、イラついた。。。
そして今日演劇所に行きたかったけど、両親は送りたくないと言うから行けない。ミュージック・マンやカイルの舞台見に行けないかもしれない、ムカつく。。。泣かないよ。。。
またまた両親がその「性格悪い、態度悪い」という話してる。今日はアトランチック・シティーに行くみたいだけど、その前にちょっとだけ演劇所に送って１１時に迎えにきてくれることができたはず。そしたら一日中パソコンばっかりしなくて済む。。。両親が簡単に犬の世話してねと言って出かけようとしてたら、私が「どこ行くの？」と聞いた。もし電話とかが来たらちゃんと両親がどこにいるかを伝えなきゃ変だから。バカみたいに「出かけたけど、どこ行ったかわからない。。。」と言うの嫌だ。それで、両親が教えてから、一緒に行こうと誘った。結構ですと断ったら母が「パソコンばっかりやるでしょう」とこそこそいじわる言った。で私が「今日演劇所に行きたかったけど、」と言ったら母がどうしてそんな子供の言うこと何か聞かなきゃいけないのと怒った。すっごいムカつく。。。あっ、泣いちゃった。。。

 ２００３年５月５日

そして当然、その瞬間にすぐに行かなきゃいけないでしょう。もし行かなかったら両親は「自分の世界に入ってる」や、社会でやっていけないんだろうとか何かバカみたいな文句ばかり言い初める。。。嫌だよ。母が名前を呼ぶとやってること全部放置して行かなきゃいけないの嫌！そのせいで沸いてるお湯も放置したこともある！

 ２００３年６月８日

父がが私をイライラさせるようにミュージック・マンのバカっぽい替え歌つくって歌ってたら私が「やめて」って言ったら父が部屋に来て怒りだしてもう一度やめて何か言ったら叩いたり殴ったりするよと叫んだ。そして私が「脳の障害がある８歳の子供みたい」と言ってた。それって、本当かな。。私はよく父がイラつくことやると「やめて」と言うけど。とにかく父が暴力すると脅かせてから母の所に言って誇りを持ってるように今の話をした。娘を脅かして嬉しいのか。ご褒美にクッキーでもほしいのか。そして今度は母に言われる番。私が幼稚で、心と頭に問題がある。私はこれ言われながら涙を我慢してる。そして母が「友達はあなたのこと好きだろうけど、それ以外皆あなたくそ女と思ってるよ」と。そんな訳ない。。。両親だけでしょう。そして母が「高校卒業したらもう友達に会うことはないよ」と言ったら我慢できず泣いちゃった。そして泣いたから母はもっと意地悪をした。「もう友達に会えないからお可哀想に泣いちゃってるね」そして何回か私の友達は４人と言ってて、ほかに世界中の人は私を嫌だと思ってる。４人より私はたくさんの友達いるけど。。。そして私が泣いてるの意地悪するの酷すぎる。あと２週間でもう卒業しちゃうんだもん。卒業すると毎日皆と一緒に過ごせなくなる。それを思い出させて私が泣いたら意地悪を言うの？

 ２００４年８月２０日

今年の夏休みはね。。。実家に帰って、オンライン日記を持ってることが危ないと両親に言われて喧嘩して、私を「完璧」にしようとしてるみたいに母に高い化粧品など無理矢理押し付けられて、毎日私の前でも、陰でもずっと意地悪を言われてて、態度が悪いとか。。。もうすぐ家を出ることができて嬉しい。。。

 2005年７月２５日

車に乗ってた時、やすしに電話した。今朝出る前に話す時間なくて、もう日本では０時だった。母はのど飴忘れたから大騒ぎしはじめた。小さい車のなかで意味なくバッグとのど飴なんとか叫んでた。。。私が電話中なのに。。。母の叫びしかまったく聞こえなかったので、なんとか「かけなおす」と言って電話を切った。そして母に電話中なのにうるさいよと言った。母は車の中で携帯なんか使うなって。マジで？運転してないし。今日本で０時だし、彼は朝早く起きなきゃいけないのに、かけなおすのを待ってくれてるし。。。母は私が失礼、他人のことまったく考えない、そしてもちろん、性格悪い、態度悪い、そして皆がいつかそれわかって私のことを絶対嫌うでしょう。いつもの意地悪だから無視しようとしたけど、いつかやすしが私を嫌うと思ったら苦しくなった。母の話が本当じゃないのわかってるけど、車を出た瞬間泣き出してやすしに電話した。
両親は物で愛をいっぱいくれる。お金くれたり物を買ってくれたりはすぐにやるけど、苦しい時は友達とやすしがそばにいてくれた。両親は怒ったり、少しだけなんかやってくれたり、それか無視するの。でも３，０００マイル離れたら、両親の周りの人誰にでも素晴らしい、愛しい、美しい、頭がいいと自慢される。隣にいる時は恥、わがまま、性格わるい。３，０００マイル離れてる方が幸せのはどうしてなんだろう。でももう私は帰ってこなくてもいい。

 ２００５年８月１５日

親のくせに娘に性格悪いと、今まで大事な友達と、いつも支えてくれてる愛しい彼氏と、同僚など皆に見せる性格は偽物、とか言ってたら傷つくよ。そして皆は私のこと嫌っていなくなる。両親みたいに。両親私のこと嫌いでしょう。やすしとこんな長くつきあってるのに、私が話してる時に両親がうるさいからと部屋のドアをしめたり、車の中で６ヶ月会えなくて一日一時間位しか話巣らできない人と電話して、小さいことで狂って叫んでるお母さんに静かにしてと言ったりするからやすしが別れるって考えたら辛い。こんな優しくて、愛情いっぱいで、私のことわかってる（それとも私のその偽物の性格か？？母は私のプライベートや日本語の会話までわかってるの？？）その人が私が「失礼」だから別れるなんて酷い。

 ２００５年８月１６日

今朝やすしが私の家庭はどんなのかわかったかも。やすしと話して、人の邪魔などしてなくて、父にバイトのこと聞かれた。今日はないよって言って、部屋に戻る。そして母が「私がそんなにうるさいと思ってんならドア閉めればいい」と言った。それで私はドアを閉めた。それで母が勝手にさせてくれる？と思ったら母がドアの前に来て大声で叫ぶ。前何回かドアが閉まってても母の声、テレビや音楽の音がうるさくてやすしまでうるさいと思われたここともあった。それを言う私が酷くて失礼なの？やすしに母の言ってることを説明した。世界の反対側に住んでたら自慢の娘会いたくなるんだろうね。私が酷くて、恥で、性格が悪い子だけど、そういう愛情いっぱいの言葉は私の前でしか言ってくれないもんね。
バイトと学校が好き。そこでやってる時褒められるから。今日はお皿洗いした。お皿洗いの人が休みだったので、カッターがお皿洗ってて、マネージャーがカッターの仕事してた。でもマネージャーって日曜日に在庫や計算の事務所の仕事もやらなきゃいけないし、私を含めてサーバーとレジの人が３人いた。言葉の暴力受けたのでお客さんとあまりしゃべる気がなかったので、マネージャーにお皿洗いの仕事したいと言った。そしたら私がお皿洗いして、マネージャーがちゃんと事務の仕事ができた。でも母にその話をしたら「どうしてそんなことするの？お皿洗いは英語しゃべれないメキシコ人がやる物だよ！」そうだ、私がヤードレーの白人の女の子で、仕事何かしたら死んでしまうわ！

 ２００５年９月２日

今日はまた「あなたはわがままで甘えっ子で人は本当の性格が分かったら一人になるよ」とか言われた。なぜならキッチンに食べ物があるよと言われた瞬間部屋から飛び出て行かなかったから。ルイジアナの人で今日本に住んでる知り合いと真剣な話をしてて、今時差で日本は夜遅いから途中で出て行くことが無理だった。食べ物あるよと言われて「はい」と返事した。そして母は「朝ご飯があるよ！」って「はいはい！」と言ったら態度悪いなと愚痴言われた。それから母が父に私が２時間もやすしと話してたとか文句言ってた。

 ２００６年６月１７日

両親に感謝してます。なぜなら今日やすしと話をしてた時、大きい声で私がくそ女と、やすしが必ず１年以内に離婚すると言ってた。やすしはそれが聞こえて、意味教えたら長い会話になってしまった。それで二人の関係が以前よりよくなって、やすしがずっとそばにいてくれると自信を持ってます。だから母と父にやすしとの関係をもっとよくして、ありがとう。そして私は次の夏休みここに帰ることは絶対ない。それは本当。
これがただ私の日記です。父に「偏ってる」と文句言われました。そして母が狂って騒いでるのが「普通の人間らしく、自分の感情や意見を伝えてる」と言ってます。「皆は日本人みたいに口押さえてしゃべったりしないよ」って。私は世界中からの人と会ったり暮らしたりしてたけど、大人なら大体ストレスな状態でも他人を思って落ち着いて対応できます。狂って叫んだりしません。

でも、こういうことは家の中だけのことでした。外と、インターネットでは母が必ず日本やハワイで夢のような生活してる素晴らしい、美しい、賢い娘を褒めます。それは自分の素晴らしいセレブみたいな生活のこと書いてない間ですね。毎週毎週何百ドルでも掛けて美容室でカラーやネイルしてもらったり、買い物したり、外食したり、カリブの別荘でのんびりしたりしてます。そうやってインターネットで皆に娘が本当は精神の病気で、鬱とパニックが酷く自殺もしようとしてて、今はハワイで母がクロセットにすら使わないほどのアパートに住んでて、もうすぐ３人で貧しい生活を送ってると言える？

今年の２月までやすしと私が家に泊まってた時、母は「二人は何でも汚くする」と聞こえるように叫んだり、家の中バンバン、ぶつぶつとむかついたように回ったり、私かやすしがちょっとシャワー浴びても出たらすぐにブリーチで必死に掃除したり、ランチ食べてる時にキッチンに入ってまだ片付けてないところを必死に掃除したりしていやがらせをしてました。そして両親がカリブに行った時、やすしとキッチンの大掃除をして、賞味期限が何ヶ月何年過ぎてるもの大量に捨てたら、母が電話で激怒して叫んでまそた。でもハワイに行ってから、フェースブックでキッチンの大掃除してくれて素晴らしい、会いたいとか書いてました！

父の話によると、このブログを読んでお母さんが毎日泣いてて鬱になってます。それで私が母可哀想とか言うと思います？私が両親の前で泣いたり、パニックにまでなったりしたらどうなりましたっけ？「精神障害者だ」「おかわいそうに」「なけばいい、気にしないよ」。しかも、私が後何時間で自殺成功という時もあって、それに対して心配の言葉など一つもないのに、私に悪いと思わせようとしてるんですか。

このブログは別に母のために書いてる訳じゃありませんし。これは産まれてくる娘の為に自分で強くなるために書いてます。母もお金ばかりより、精神的によく育てようと努力すればよかったではないかと思います。

母からもメール来ました。「あなたとアスペルがー」がタイトルで、内容はウィキペディアのリンクだけです。笑ってしまいました。私も、友達も仕事でアスペルガーの子供を教えたことがあります。そして検査もしてない、治療もしてない、アスペルガーを持ってる子供か大人なら絶対に自分の意思で何年に一回世界の反対側まで引っ越したり仕事変えたりしないでしょう。そして友達もいっぱい作って結婚もできる確率が少ないです。そして、私がメールに返事しないからムカついたのか、冷たくて、感情の入ってないメールもしました。もう連絡はしない、お母さんがいなくなるというのは悲しいことですね、というメールでした。

私がもしアスペルガーを持ってたなら、母は楽だったのでしょう。そしたら「精神障害者」「社会にやっていけないだろう」とか言ってたことは正しかったんでしょう。でも私の持ってる病気は、パニック性不安うつ病 だと思います。

うつ病や、パニック障害は人が気を使ってもらえるようにわざとするような物じゃありません。本当に苦しくて、辛い病気です。私は死から数時間になってて、離婚もされそうになりました。それと、言葉の虐待も本当なんです。その影響も一生残ります。　

そしてアドバイスを求めて医学系の掲示板に相談してみたら、母は自己愛性パーソナリティ障害ではないかと言われました。

これは作り話だったら嬉しいです。ハワイと日本で見たいくつもの家族のように、普通の関係があればいいのにと思ってます。両親は子供に暴力しないし、子供に自信を持たせて、自分から意見を言ったり、人を尊敬したりするように教えてました。子供も両親を怖がることがあまりなくて、同じ人間みたいにルールなどを説明したら、分かってくれました。

私の両親がもし自分のやったことを認めて、カウンセリングなどで直そうとすれば、いつかまた家族でいられるかもしれません。でも自分は悪くないと、私はただの嘘つきと精神障害者などと言い続ければ、もう私は家族の関係はできません。

母が旦那に言ったように、「もう二人との関係終わりだよ。バイバイ！」