A yellow memory

 Today my therapist went over the thought stopping technique for when I have anxiety riding in the car. 

--Yes, one of the reasons I decided to seek out help again is my anxiety riding in the car. It may be the trauma from the car accident, it could be trauma from always being verbally assaulted regularly riding in the car, but I've had anxiety in cars for a long time and the panic attacks I've had while riding in cars as an adult were likely mixed with flashbacks....there are a lot of difficult experiences and memories that now I realize, I was having a flashback which elicited that reaction....

Anyway, the thought stop technique. (see what I did there) When you feel the anxiety coming up, you tell yourself to stop, and then you pull up a memory of a time you felt happy, free and fulfilled. So, basically your memory guys throw one of the yellow balls into the tube and it broadcasts. (Inside out is actually REALLY accurate, and so cute, with their portrayal of how things work in the brain.) 

So what is a memory that I get on the projection screen for that purpose? 

It reminded me of the film After Life. The premise is a different take on purgatory. You land in what seems to be an abandoned school building turned into a dormatory and ad hoc movie studio, and they have you choose one memory that they then recreate for you and give you a videotape. 

I saw that movie at a movie showing by the Japanese Culture Club somewhere around 2006-7. What would my memory be? 

What I came up with was a pretty mundane thing. 

It was after a Gagaku concert I attended in Tokyo. I didn't remember the way to the station so I walked in a random direction. It was night, and December so the gingko trees were bright yellow. The yellow glowing in the light of the streetlamps was so beautiful, so tranquil, and I felt at peace. I knew I would get home, I felt safe in Tokyo, so I just enjoyed that beauty, in that moment. 

What important lessons I can learn by bringing that memory up into the projector again. 

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February - a month of love

 It's February again.

A month that brought many changes to my life. 

Of course, Yasushi and my anniversary-of the first time we met in person in 2005, and our wedding in 2008 is something we celebrate every year on the 24th and 25th of the month.

I also acknowledge with gratitude that February was the month Yasushi and I moved to Hawaii to start our new life in 2012, soon to be a family of 3. A few years later in 2016, February was a month of nesting and preparation for the home birth of our son. 

However, February also brings some difficult anniversaries.

The most recent being our dear Shamoto sensei's passing in February 2020. We still have not been able to properly gather and have a Celebration of Life with all of his colleagues from around the world due to travel restrictions caused by the pandemic. I hope we will be able to honor him properly and also practice together again soon. 

Last month, we watched the Disney movie Encanto. If you haven't seen the movie, without spoiling the ending, it does deal with family conflict, and threw the entire world into a much needed conversation about generational trauma and the pain and dysfunction that results from it....with an amazing soundtrack!

It reminded me that it's been almost 10 years since I last had meaningful contact with my parents.  

In February of 2013, I had to send my parents a cease and desist letter. They had threatened me and my family, and they continued to gaslight and invalidate me whenever I tried to speak up about the trauma I had endured from their physical abuse, and emotional abuse and neglect of me as a child up through my 20s, and the resulting illness I was experiencing. 

Being discarded by the two people who should have loved me unconditionally, and having my family's safety threatened by them as well was really not what I wanted, and even now, I would give them a second (third, fourth...) chance if they truly wanted to accept me and hold themselves accountable for their actions and the consequences they had on me. 

So this month, I decided to send out a letter to them. I had been writing the letter for a while during my journaling sessions, and it took a lot of inner struggle and work to get to the point where I could finish the letter. I acknowledged their experiences and expressed my love and forgiveness to them, and invited them to contact me as long as they can be civil. 

I haven't received any reply, which is really disappointing. Even through all the healing, all the therapy, all the support groups, I still wanted to believe that they were just flawed humans who wanted to do their best but they were in pain, and that someday they could come face to face with themselves and decide to be better, and we could be a family again. That was my intention in sending them a letter after almost 10 years. However, I guess I was hoping for something that is impossible for them. Sitting with your trauma and acknowledging how it affected you, feeling that pain again and comforting yourself, is a lot of work. If rejecting me and my whole family is the easier choice for them, I hope that choice brings them comfort and peace. I'm still grateful to them and acknowledge their role in our family's unique heritage and history. In a way, I've gained closure now. 

In February of 2014, Yasushi became head chef. It was an amazing promotion and at the time it felt like a satisfying development for what has been his lifelong career. At this job, he has been able to cater to high profile events and even serve and get compliments from our former President Obama.

During the pandemic, I felt grateful that Yasushi was able to keep his job and keep supporting our family and keep the restaurant afloat. 

However, now I know the truth about what was happening and how he was being coerced into doing more work than one person possibly could, which has led to him possibly being permanently disabled now. It has been a lesson in how dangerous some people can be even if they present a different face to the public.  

I should have seen the signs knowing that I grew up enduring similar forms of emotional abuse, where you are gaslighted, tempted, or intimidated into acting how the abuser wants you to act, and the abuser has bouts of uncontrollable rage and violence that are conveniently hidden from the general public.

I am very upset about what happened, but nothing good will come if we act out of anger and distress. So we are having our lawyer, and karma, handle it. Whatever trauma, mental illness, personality disorder, etc, that made them act so viciously towards a kind, hardworking man like my husband, is not ours to fix nor ours to deal with anymore. They can enjoy their empty, lonely life and whatever the universe has in store for them next. My husband will be OK. This may mean the end of his 20+ year long career as a chef, it may mean that there will be certain activities he can't enjoy like he used to, however, he still has his life, he still has his family by his side with unconditional love and support, and he is still an amazing person with all kinds of gifts to share with the world. 

What will this month bring in 2022? It would be great if we gained something new to celebrate, but even if we don't, we will still celebrate all of the anniversaries that led to us being a family today, starting with that fateful day at the airport 17 years ago. 

On being 9 - two different worlds

This summer, my daughter turned 9. She was enjoying every day at Summer Fun with her friends and her favorite group leaders, playing outside every day, swimming in the pool, eating popsicles and generally having a blast. On her birthday, she and some of her friends took the day off, and we invited other dear friends and family for a good old fashioned birthday BBQ pool party, like we used to do before all this. She played in the pool and ate cake and hit a pinata and it was the best day of the year. And then in the fall, school and Japanese classes started full-time for her, and this time, for her little brother too. Sure, everyone is wearing masks, but they were all together again and able to play and learn and work hard every day. She has become so popular at school playing the ukulele as well. The ukulele jam group we go to has also started back up, and she enjoys attending when she can. Sure, sometimes she fights with her brother, or argues with me, or ignores her Dad, but we work it out. 

She probably has a lot of worries and struggles of her own, and she has a whole lot of hobbies and interests I know nothing about, and there is a Chinami at school that is different from the Chinami at home. And this is all perfectly fine and normal for a 9 year old. I'm just her mother, I have no way of knowing or controlling everything in her life. And I have no desire to. It's her life, I'm just there to help her along with it when she needs it.

For her, being 9 seems pretty good. 

For me, being 9 kind of sucked.

The summer before I turned 9 we went to Disney World. And we visited family in Florida, and our family in Pennsylvania, and we even had a big birthday party for me in a restaurant. That was fun. 

And then we went back to our home at that time (we had moved about 3-4 times already up to that point) in the Caribbean, to be met head on by a Category 4 hurricane. It leveled several parts of the island. I still have the images clearly in my head, because my parents and their friends decided it would be appropriate to get in their car and drive around to gawk at all the damage, and took pictures and video as well, making jokes about the locals losing their homes and looting. 

We didn't have power or running water for a long time, and I would read, craft, do other analog things and take cold sponge baths by bucket. 

We spent some time after that temporarily at grandfathers in PA and I went to school there for a few weeks. I was very clearly struggling at this point. 

I had experienced a massive natural disaster, had no way to contact my friends, and to top it off, a shy child entering an inner city public school after spending years at a private school for ex-pats. I was out of touch with their culture, their social hierarchy, their mannerisms. So basically, an easy target. I was relentlessly bullied, ostracized by teachers, I lost all motivation to do any school work (the work itself was at an academic level way below what I was used to. However I felt like the inside of my head was just blank most of the time). At home, my parents would watch and rewatch the videos they took of the rubble. I would cry when I saw them. There was no grief support. Just demands on me to be a good student and so I had to pretend to be resilient. 

Luckily, my school reopened after another month or so, and I was able to spend the rest of the school year in a somewhat comfortable environment while my parents attempted to pick up the pieces and figure out the next steps. Yes, I acknowledge that this was a tough situation for them too. Maybe their callousness and indifference to the suffering of others was a coping mechanism for them. 

After this, we moved back to Philly. I was starting 6th grade now, again in an unfamiliar, hostile inner city middle school. Middle school is hell for a lot of kids. But for me, I was over a year younger than all of my peers due to having skipped a grade, I was sheltered and out of touch with what was cool among Philly kids due to living on an island for years and going to a private expat school, and I had experienced a major natural disaster to boot. It was kind of a nightmare. I made one friend but my parents didn’t really approve of him and  after a while I wasn't able to see him...now I see clearly what kind of friends my mom would have deemed acceptable...but that’s another story for another day.

The next thing that happened was my mother had a major car accident while practicing for her driving test. We all had to go to the hospital, my mother in the ICU, my father and I getting everything checked. I was not hurt at all, my father had whiplash and my mother had a broken hip and would need major surgery, 3 months of bed rest and physical therapy to walk again.

So instead of making friends, maybe going to a summer camp or something like some kids did, or doing anything enjoyable, I was stuck in an apartment for three months expected to just be resilient and "help out". I hadn’t been taught any basic life skills so I was pretty useless. My mom would ask me to hand pick up bits of hair and dirt from the carpet, shave her legs for her, and rub lotion on her feet and back. I don't remember much from most of this year actually. A lot of pain, brain fog from my brain desperately trying to shield 10 year old me from the pain, and loneliness. 

Yes, I was 10 but I don't even remember a birthday happening that year. I had been traumatized and then the year just kind of passed without anything to look forward to. My parents made no effort to give me some kind of outlet or activity to enjoy and work at. I didn't have any motivation within myself to learn or do anything. I just stayed inside watching TV endlessly. How sad. I wish I could go back and give her a hug and reassure her that she can still be a kid, and that she has value and talent, and that she can still find happiness even though so much has gone so wrong. 

But because of this, I am now able to look at my 9 year old daughter, and make sure she doesn't have to feel like I did. And I can find happiness as I watch her find hers. 

Our experience with COVID

It's been a while since I have written a public entry...I have been doing a lot of internal reflecting and journaling, there are tons of writings in my drafts that I may publish or may not.

Anyway, a pandemic update:

Fall 2021..18 months after the first lockdown, and with 2 vaccine shots for the adults, it seemed like things were finally going back to the way they used to be. 

Chinami finally got the day full of fun and food with her friends for her birthday in July, and in August school and Japanese school was all back in session full-time for both her and little brother. 

We even had a small end-of-summer/Obon BBQ a couple weeks in, just with some friends from Chinami's class and their families. We enjoyed food, drinks, and bon odori outside on a Friday night. 

That Monday, we learned that one of her classmates had tested positive for COVID and had been out of school since Thursday. Her whole class was put on quarantine and Zoom links were sent out for Tuesday and beyond. 

What about siblings from the same household? If they are a contact of a close contact, aka in contact with someone who may have been in contact with a confirmed COVID case, they do not have to quarantine. Two degrees of separation. So little brother was cleared to keep going to Kindergarten. 

Until Wednesday night when Chinami came down with a fever and complained that her head hurt, her joints hurt, her stomach hurt....We ordered a test the next morning for Friday. On Saturday we got the results--positive. By this time both Yasushi and I had some symptoms ourselves as well--I was experiencing fatigue, weakness and body aches and Yasushi had a fever, chills and body aches. Kyle was in quarantine with the rest of us and his entire class as well until we could get test results for him. A few days later, on Tuesday, he tested negative so his whole class was able to return to school. 

And then on Friday, Kyle ran a fever and complained of body aches as well. We got him a second test right away on that Saturday, and he spent the weekend resting. Chinami and I had almost fully recovered by then and Yasushi still had some lingering aches and loss of taste/smell. 

All in all, we spent about 3-4 weeks quarantining as a family. 

At first I was crushed by the idea of having to go into quarantine after finally being able to enjoy social activities after a long 18 months of the pandemic.

However, I reflected on these feelings and realized that we could get through it because we have had those 18 months and two lockdowns. I knew what we needed to do to get through the isolation. And this time, we had our whole family together. 

We made a daily schedule, rested when we needed to, and took some time to clean and tidy in the home as well. After we all started to feel better, we did go out to quiet, isolated beaches to enjoy the sun and nature. 

So we did get through our quarantine and even enjoyed it. How lucky we are to have been able to do it as a family, and neither of the parents had to worry about the time taken off work, because I work at home almost completely now, and my husband is home on disability/workers compensation. 

And after we were all cleared, we had a belated birthday dinner at one of my favorite buffets, and I ate so much I looked pregnant! 

While this wasn't the best experience, I'm grateful to have had it because it taught us so much. Even though we had mild cases (thanks to being healthy, and being vaccinated) I could still feel that this was NOT just a cold or flu. The flu has knocked me off my feet before, but this felt bad in a different way from the flu. When I had COVID, my chest felt tight, and like there was something heavy on it. I felt weirdly fatigued and weak. So weak that at one point lifting a mattress, something I do on an almost daily basis, was impossible. The mattress did not move an inch, no matter how much I tried. My husband lost his sense of taste and smell. He says a mild onset of COVID felt similar physically to having severe pneumonia. 

Because of our personal experience as well as the experience of close friends with COVID(Delta variant) I know how important it is to be vaccinated. And how important it is to be going outside, getting exercise, eating healthy food, and taking care of your mind and body. Neither one is more important or effective than the other, in my opinion. So yes, get the vitamin D, drink lots of water and exercise daily...but also get vaccinated. It would have been a very different story I write today if we were not vaccinated. 

Wrapping up 2020 with positivity

 2020 is going to be a year that began with and ended with coronavirus. 

Walking outside without a mask, seeing friends, having music jams in the park, going to karaoke, all seem like things of another era. 

A lot of people lost their lives to this virus, and still more lost their livelihood and way of life as businesses and schools closed, income dried up, and all they could do was stay at home and grapple with the pandemic stress with no foreseeable light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel. 

I started out optimistic, even as I saw others start to crumble, I tried to stay resilient, using what resources I did have creatively to make the best of a rapidly declining situation. 

However, pandemic stress and the feeling of helplessness from wanting to do so many things, but needing to put the needs of others first gradually took its toll. I tried my best to stave off a C-PTSD flare up and was able to for several months, but after about 6 months I unfortunately did have an intense relapse. However even with flare ups and relapses, I now have a whole array of tools and strategies to manage, and I quickly thought of a plan to incorporate more meditation, and use a few seratonin-increasing supplements.  I also contacted our family physician to let him know the situation, and he advised me to stay on the course I was on, but if needed he would refer me to a psychiatrist and help me to get a prescription as well. A different physician also advised me on how I could get a 329 card for medical marijuana, as cannabis has amazing benefits for anxiety and PTSD.  Anyway, after a few short weeks of using the more natural methods within my reach, I felt a lot better and was able to regroup and refocus on my goals. 

The pandemic has given a lot of us a gift of more time to slow down and stay at home. Because of that, I have been able to really reorganize and optimize my home so my family and I and the roommates we are able to welcome are able to enjoy it more. This year, both our shower and breaker panel needed total refurbishment which was an expense I hadn't planned for and wasn't excited about, but because of that I took the steps to refinance our mortgage to get a lower rate, consolidate some other debts, and streamline and optimize our finances as well. 

Our libraries may be closed, but anyone with a library card can still access a wealth of information using the online resources, including various certification courses which I've been enjoying. Of course, watching interesting TV shows like Euphoria, Black Mirror, Impractical Jokers Dinner Party, and the new episodes of Archer and Superstore have been enjoyable and offered some laughs and escapes, but learning more about Microsoft Office, Social Media Managing, and Cryptocurrencies might actually serve more of a purpose in the professional world going forward. I mean, it's easy to get comfortable in a job, especially when it's a job I enjoy, but things always change and I am always happy when there's an opportunity to move forward and upward! If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would go from barely above minimum wage working as basically the one day neighbor island trip equivalent version of a Walmart greeter, to overnight shifts at a call center that usually only hires native Japanese speakers earning almost double the wages, I wouldn't have believed them! But now that I know it's possible for me to climb that ladder, I feel like there are a lot of other possibilities out there. So while I would be content to work at both of my current jobs until I'm a senior citizen, it's exciting to imagine what could be, and to never stop growing and seeking it out.

Even so, my online job search back in the spring led me to dead end after dead end and it was discouraging. The online work from home hiring pool was oversaturated and continues to be steadily crowded now in this new era. And the one section of the market that I did get various offers from, which is the Chinese ESL online tutor business sector, dried up due to my Internet speed being too low so I shelved that while I tried to find other solutions. However, since my main call center job has been work from home for over 6 months and is continuing in that way for the forseeable future, I realized my internet bill is now a work expense. So I made the decision to change our Internet provider to get a faster connection that would support my daughter's e-learning, future roommate's remote school and work, and for me, teaching online. 

And our roommate finished her year abroad and went back to her home in China in October, which made our already socially isolated life just a little more lonelier, but luckily another friend of ours was planning to stay in Hawaii for a few months, so after they did their pre-tests and their quarantine in a private residence, they moved into our spare room. I have a companion to share wine and conversation face to face with, and Chinami has a girl around her age to share ideas and fun with. This year has been so hard on her, and seeing her light up again has made me feel so much relief. 

So what does 2021 hold? New knowledge, new jobs, new friends, and this crazy new pandemic lifestyle. I'm ready for it! 

COVID-19 part...??

I think when the pandemic emerged, a lot of us were in denial, myself included. "It's just a flu" "Oh, we'll lockdown for a bit then go back to normal, that massive Cinco de Memorial Independence Labor Day weekend party is gonna be lit!"

It's now mid-September and life as we know it has changed so very much in the past few months.

As we headed into June, our curve was flattened and people were looking forward to starting up tourism, and with it, most of our economy again. In July, it seemed like that light at the end of tunnel was so bright and close as we learned to social distance, wear our masks, and slowly resume our lives while keeping the pandemic in the back of our minds. Chinami wasn't able to have a birthday party, but we had a whole week where we surprised her every day with something special, and she was able to attend a social distanced Summer Fun program in the park the whole month of July as well. 

And then in August, as we looked forward to school starting with a hybrid schedule and the same social distancing measures that had been successfully implemented in the Summer Fun program, cases spiked and we went into a second lockdown which is currently projected to continue through October.  Non essential businesses, parks and beaches all closed down and school started via Zoom classes and Google classrooms. Chinami and her classmates and teachers have been really doing a great job with this new style of learning.  

Unemployment has hit more and more snags and it's been difficult to get benefits due to their lack of staffing (aka our leaders lack of preparation). Yasushi's restaurant is still busy, they have had to go back to bare-bones staff due to dine in having been restricted again, but all of the delivery apps have been bringing plenty of to go business. Even then, we are still grateful for every week that goes by with the restaurant still in business. 

I find myself struggling with being bored, while trying to remain strong and positive for the sake of my family. I try to keep myself out of the void of endless mindless scrolling and political/COVID bullshit, and try to focus my energy towards getting myself to exercise more, sew more, draw more, cook more, and just do more analog things in general. My hope is that my kids will see me enjoying simple, labor intensive, productive activities and follow suit...and for the most part it has been working that way. They always want to take my workout stuff, they love to draw and sew with me, and we have been enjoying some interesting meals lately as well. We did bon dance/natsumatsuris every Saturday in our living room from June-August, and after the summer season ended, we've been learning about a different country every Saturday through cuisine and language/culture videos on Youtube. 

I have found myself thinking about the remainder of 2020 and beyond. Our roommate leaves in October and finding a new one is going to be challenging. Halloween is definitely going to be a different experience this year. Maybe it's time to focus more on the "scary" aspect and have some haunted house fun at home. Watch a scary movie, etc. Thanksgiving will probably be pretty lonely with just 4 of us, and Christmas is going to take a little effort to conjure up all the cheer and joy with the harsh economic realities, the cancellation of all of the parades and city lights/santa events, but somehow we will make the best of it. 

It's really the only thing we can all do, just get through this with an open mind looking for ways to enjoy what we can during these times. 

COVID-19 part 2

A whole month has passed since the official stay at home/shelter in place orders, and it seemed to go by pretty quickly. Having a daily and weekly schedule to follow, and keeping busy with studies, exercise, and fun activities has really helped us stay healthy and strong through this difficult time. 

Here is what we generally do daily:

7am-10am Relax, eat breakfast (the kids...I do 16:8 5 days/week so I usually just drink water and coffee or tea) do some quiet activities such as reading, writing, drawing, yoga, etc. 

10am- Play, get ready for the day, etc 

11am- Go outside for a walk and to pick up lunch from the local school

12- Eat lunch, watch Bill Nye or other educational show

1-3 Homeschool study

3 small snack/tea time 

3:30-5:30 music/exercise/video games

5:30 Shower

6-7 Eat dinner, watch anime

7-8 Get ready for bed, relax in bed with books 

8 lights out! 

Sunday is Yasushi's day off so we generally run an errand or two if needed, go to the beach or the park for outdoor time and exercise, and eat a good meal or two.

Monday is #MaskMonday and #MusicMonday, we sew masks in the morning and have a jam session in the afternoon.

Tuesday is #TacoTuesday of course, and we also do a T-25 video for exercise.

Wednesday is Yasushi's day off so same as Sunday. Since my hours at work got cut, I don't work on this day anymore, so 

Thursday is the day I go into work and bring the kids, so from 10-2 they listen to Japanese radio, read, play quietly, eat lunch/snacks and write/color. We do more T-25

Friday is #FitnessFriday and #FridayFeeling!! Chinami usually has two different Zoom classes on this day which she loves. We also try to enjoy something fun, like dancing on this day. And I take a break from fasting from Friday night thru Saturday as well, so I usually have a drink, eat some snacks and relax at night. 

Saturday is #StayathomeSaturday and also a day where we try to do a little more Japanese focus in Chinami's studies. We have a couple Zoom Japanese classes with our local friends, and we try to do something at home that we would usually go out to do, like making our bedroom into a movie theater, or a karaoke box. 

I have been mostly focusing on my time with the kids, however, I have also been applying for jobs left and right, signing up on countless freelancer databases, with most of them leading to dead ends. However I still believe that I will find something that is right for me and my family, and so I am not giving up. Luckily, the unemployment I filed for, and the extra CARES act benefit, finally went through after over a month of waiting for a status update, and for at least the next few months, I will be receiving over twice my previous income, and since I've been organizing and checking up on our finances over the past couple of months, it looks like 2020 is going to be a good year for us after all despite the hurdles life has thrown at us. After the pandemic is over, I definitely look forward to planning more trips to see our families in Japan and maybe even Pennsylvania again over the next few years! 

COVID-19

When 2020 started, I was in high spirits...after two years of so much growth and good news, I was optimistic for another year.

In January, a high school friend's grandmother in Pennsylvania passed away suddenly due to an intestinal hernia. I wouldn't have even really known this grandmother if it weren't for a project her daughter (my high school friend's mom) started and reached out for my help with earlier last year. This dear grandmother was Kimiko, the star of the book "My Wacky Mom" that was published last year. I was asked to translate the book into Japanese for her to share with her family and friends in Japan. Through this book I was able to enjoy many laughs and make an amazing connection with Kimiko. At the end of the year, I sent her a New Year's card with some Japanese snacks and mementos I picked up at our local market. Chinami also enjoyed writing her a letter in English and Japanese. Kimiko lived a long and happy life until the ripe age of 90, but nevertheless I was still saddened to learn of her passing. 

A few weeks later, we lost another wise and fun-loving soul from this world. My dear Sensei, who was like a grandfather to me, passed away from pneumonia suddenly on February 14th. He was a teacher, mentor, and friend to many and kept the beautiful traditions of Japanese court music alive so that his children, and others in generations beyond, can carry on the wisdom and rich heritage. I feel so honored to have been able to learn from him and to have fond memories of him to look back on. We had a small memorial at the classroom at University of Hawaii the following Sunday. 

After this, news reports from other places in the world started to trickle in about our rough flu season and a new virus somewhere in China. Most of us tried to downplay it, as the virus itself was terribly similar to a flu, and was mostly contained in China....until it wasn't. 

Nearly a month later, there were talks of "self quarantining" and "social distancing". The kids were starting Spring Break on Monday March 16th, and there weren't any guidelines in place, just vague suggestions, as plane loads of tourists still arrived by the thousands every day. So on March 15th, we enjoyed one day of fun at our son's 4th birthday party, which was attended by a modest crowd of 20-30, spread out amongst a whole 80+ capacity restaurant we were lucky enough to be able to use for the party. 

From March 16th, we voluntarily stayed in, keeping distant from friends, only going to the supermarket sporadically for essentials, and going on walks or to quiet beaches where we didn't have to interact with others.
From March 23rd, our mayor issued a shelter in place order, and from there it progressively got more strict. On March 26th, they issued a 14 day quarantine order for any travelers to the islands, and Japan followed suit with their airline arrivals as well, which was the last nail in the coffin for the Japanese tourism industry here. Most of the hotels and travel agencies closed for business with most of the Waikiki and Ala Moana retail not far behind. And following even more regulations for social distancing from our Lt. Governor, most of the supermarkets and stores that are open require masks, and only let in a small amount of customers at a time.
Like all restaurants, Yasushi's workplace has closed their dining room and converted to takeout/delivery only. The wait staff and a portion of the kitchen staff was laid off. My job has suspended most of their contracts, but there are still a few partners who we take calls for, although the calls are few and far between. All of us from the answering service now work from home, on reduced hours. Of course, when I was first informed that my hours would be halved, I was a bit worried. And now that I go through my shifts with the phone not ringing even once, I'm still worried. However, the bright side is even though I only work 16 hours per week, I'm blessed with a high hourly wage. We have a company bonus in April which is not effected by the pandemic, and we have our tax refund, and the stimulus coming our way over the next month, so hopefully we won't be struggling as much as we thought we would. I'm also using the extra time at home to pick up more freelance work and explore more remote working opportunities around the whole homeschooling thing.
For the first couple of weeks, we just tried to enjoy Spring Break as usual, having movie nights, lots of living room jam sessions, some video games, and we did some Spring Cleaning as well and got the toys all reorganized and more personal storage for Chinami up by her loft bed. Since we live in a 2 bedroom condo, which we rent one bedroom of to a roommate, both our living room and bedroom have to serve lots of different needs. Our bedroom is a play room, a family bed, and Chinami's reading loft/personal library. Our living room is a work space, family/TV room, music space, play space, and a dining room.
From last week, I gradually started to introduce some homeschool curriculum for Chinami and get everyone on a loose schedule. Chinami is in no danger of falling behind in her regular schoolwork...over the last week she actually finished the 2nd grade math course and moved up to 3rd grade, and she has been reading novels from 3rd grade level and up since the beginning of this year. So she's using this time to get ahead, and to catch up on Japanese as well, starting to really learn to read and write kanji at the Japanese 1st grade level.
So now, we start our 4th week of isolation. Schools are closed until April 30th, and pretty much every event and festival that we were looking forward from early March until June or so has been postponed or cancelled. Libraries, museums, and even parks are completely shut down. Living in an urban environment means shared green spaces and social events are such an integral part of our livelihood, so having everything shut down and our daily routine changed so drastically was definitely a shock for us. But as always, we are trying our best to just adapt and make it our new normal, and take everything one day at a time. Even if we don't have community events and social interaction to look forward to every day, we can still make the most of this family time and use it as an opportunity to make ourselves stronger and gain some different skills. 

Family outings

Another year has gone by so fast. In the past few months, I started another regular job at the local Japanese radio station which means I pretty much work full time....however my son still only goes to preschool 2x/week, and Yasushi is still the head chef of a popular restaurant, and it's not like we have the grandparents around to help out, so there are a lot of things that always need to be done!

I work hard but I also make sure to care for myself and make lots of fun memories with my rapidly growing children. As I enjoy spending time with my family,  and celebrating various holidays and festivals , I can't help but be reminded of the lack of such memories I have from my own childhood, and the memories I do have instead. Being a parent after the kind of upbringing I had is a constant journey of healing and learning like that.

~~~

Ever since I was little, I have always had an interest in learning about all kinds of culture and especially music. However, going out with my parents rarely did much to fuel my creative fire. I have very few memories of us enjoying and sharing quality time and learning together, and more memories of my parents merely dragging me along to work related events, loud, dark , crowded concerts of music I didn't like, or boring dinners at some strangers house. Sometimes I would end up feeling sick from the loud noise or the beginning of CPTSD related anxiety. As I got older, other family members and friends would take me out to sports events, science museums, church, carnivals, farm festivals and other things that normal kids and families did. Even if I wasn't super interested in everything, I was never forced to do anything and I was usually able to find something interesting about the event and appreciate the kindness of those friends and family. They would also listen to me when I talked about my own hobbies and interests. It was something I really needed as my home environment became less and less supportive and encouraging of my individuality.

Being the child of musicians, its not surprising that I have a bit of musical ability and a strong affinity for all things music. I always loved to sing, but my parents idea of enjoying music at home was playing recordings of their favorite music very loudly while I was trying to concentrate on something else. If I sang to myself or listened to some music I liked, I was usually belittled and criticized. After a while of this, I started to feel intense shame when trying to enjoy music at home. However, due to that thing called passion, I never stopped trying to enjoy music and sing. I always joined the school chorus and musicals, even though I had no confidence in my singing, I always felt good when I sang.

So when I moved out on my own, I finally had freedom to enjoy the things I loved without judgement and criticism. I joined campus clubs, music ensembles, and volunteered and participated in many kinds of cultural events. My parents called me untalented and my hobbies stupid and childish, and told me that I would never make it out there in the real world if I didn't change myself into something that they saw as acceptable. However, now that I was living on my own, in the real world, I only formed a wide circle of all kinds of supportive friends of all ages who shared the same interests.

~~~~~

And now here I am, a mom of 2 bilingual, bicultural kids who are 7 and 3, and learning how it feels to enjoy things as a family and cultivate a healthy, supportive home for my children. I'm so grateful for all the time we can enjoy together doing various educational family-oriented activities. Even though we don't have a lot of money to spend on leisure activities, there are always plenty of things to enjoy for the whole family that are cheap or free. I take my kids to outdoor concerts by all kinds of local and international musicians of all genres, zoo/aquarium/museum free admission days, library movie showings and story times, volunteer opportunities like park clean ups and nursing home visits, and cultural festivals and parades.

During the summer, Avengers Endgame came out in theaters and became the #1 highest grossing film of all time. I had never seen an Avengers£ film so I decided we would try watching the first Avengers movie. We enjoyed it so much that I decided once or twice every week we would watch a movie together and move through the MCU timeline until we watched Endgame.

Soon after that, we prepared for Halloween. Naturally, our costumes were little Iron Man, Captain Marvel and mommy Captain America holding the team together. We wore our costumes proudly going out to various movie showings and festivals during October, and on the night of Halloween we joined our hanai extended family for trick or treating in Kahala.

And just a short month later was Thanksgiving. Of course I planned out our dinner at home with family, but in the afternoon we were fortunate enough to be able to enjoy a delicious homemade lunch at the Japanese church, and Chinami and I were the honorary entertainment, Chinami played and sang ukulele and I sang a couple Enka songs and we sang Speechless as a duet as well. Since we regularly have ukulele/piano/karaoke singing jam and practice sessions in our living room, it's great that we have these little performances to work toward. I always feel so proud and impressed when I watch Chinami sing and play music. The lunch was an amazing mix of traditional turkey and stuffing with makizushi, tsukemono, nimono and all kinds of traditional and Japanese dishes. And our dinner menu was the one I customize and fine tune every year for our family. This year we received gifts of Japanese sauces from a restaurant distributor and we had new crop rice from Japan, so I decided I would try marinating the turkey in a half gallon of teriyaki sauce and a bit of usukuchi shoyu for a day and stuff it with whole ginger while I roasted it. It was amazingly juicy and flavorful and the skin was sweet and salty! I made butter shoyu kale and cabbage, roasted some cauliflower tots and topped with kewpie mayonnaise, furikake and minced takuan, and we had salad and fresh local sashimi as well as the good rice. For dessert I made pumpkin butter mochi and purple sweet potato pie. In previous years I made wild rice and quinoa takikomi flavored like stuffing, and two layer green and orange sweet potato kabocha pie....our traditions are evolving to fit with our family's tastes. We also had plenty of drinks, snacks, movies and games to enjoy with friends and our roommate.

The day after Thanksgiving, we enjoyed a day of joining an ukulele jam group up in a beautiful home in the hills overlooking Koko Head and the ocean, and at night we joined a tree trimming party at a condo building in Waikiki, and even watched a little bit of the Waikiki holiday parade before going home for the night.

And now at our own home, our own decorations are up and our schedule is quickly becoming packed with the various parades, concerts, parties, and such for the Holiday season. We already spent this past week at two parades, a Christmas party for children at the Makiki district park, and donated to a charity event while watching performances at Ala Moana shopping center. This week promises more of the same, and during the school holidays we can enjoy at home activities like candy house crafts, Christmas movies, and such.  After Christmas,  we close out this year with our traditional Kohaku viewing party and start the next year with mochi pounding at Japanese church, and Gagaku and sechi-ryori lunch, and a blessing at the shrine.

I'm so grateful to be able to enjoy another full year with my family. I was so happy with 2018 already, but 2019 kept the positive trends going, mostly thanks to starting intermittent fasting and my new second job. My wish for everyone is the drive to do better for themselves, so they too can experience how amazing it feels to be healthy and happy, surrounded by a warm environment and supportive tribe.

Feeling so grateful. #SundaySalutation

So, the last few months and weeks in general have just been amazing. School started up smoothly with no problems, Chinami loves school and excels in pretty much anything she tries. Kairu loves his part-time preschool as well and the Japanese church group, the sports/motor skills clinic, and library storytimes I take him to.

Weekdays are usually pretty nonstop especially since Chinami has Japanese school until 5pm, but weekends are our time to go out to friends houses, community events, or if nothing is going on we just walk around the neighborhood, swim in our pool, or have an ukulele/piano/accordion/etc jam session at home.

We finally got to watch Avengers Endgame on Labor Day, an impromptu potluck with friends which was amazing, and then a few days later I turned 33 and we invited a dear friend for a homemade tomahawk steak and sashimi spread made by my "presidential" chef hubby, and watched Battle Angel Alita, and was gifted a nintendo switch by my family. On Friday, the kids and I went to a local kid friendly karaoke bar for dinner just for some fun and lots of singing. A week later, this past Friday night I hooked up a projector to my laptop and we watched Phantom of the Opera for the Friday 13th/Full Moon.

And now today, my husband and kids went to Ala Moana beach to play while I worked at the local Japanese radio station, at the Japanese cultural center building. My job is recording, editing and broadcasting a radio program from Japan with a 30 minute delay here, then DJ 15 minutes or so of music until I make the mixers switch to our other studio.
On my walk home I stopped by the Japanese supermarket that's also less than a block from our home, and picked up some things for our dinner tonight.
Satoshi winning the Alolan League is making worldwide headlines and trending on almost all social media. My kids are conversing with each other in Japanese as they play Pokemon on the Nintendo Switch.  Tonight I work in a call center where I'm expected to have a near native level of Japanese.
And I just feel so grateful that I'm here, living this life.
20 years ago, when I was 13, I became interested in Japanese anime and wanted to learn the language. Some people supported me, others just falsely claimed they did while simultaneously calling it a "phase"....or referring to my hobbies with racist slurs.

But just like Satoshi never gave up on his dream, I am here living mine...in Hawaii, with my happy, hardworking healthy little family.

Which makes me think of another aspect I really liked about the Sun+Moon arc of the Pokemon anime....Musashi and Kojiro both came from absent/abusive families and for the first time, in the Alola region, they were able to find a place resembling a home, a caretaker, and run a legitimate successful business. It really hit home for me since for me Hawaii was the place I found my dreams and my home as well. Yes, I have to work nights and a second day job and rent our guest room out, but it's worth it for this amazing life!

Intermittent Fasting Update - 2 months and 10lbs down!

I've been doing Intermittent Fasting for two months, and I'm happy to say my weight is down to 118, which means I've lost 10lbs or over 5% of my body weight in just two months! It was pretty effortless since I mostly slept during my fasting days.
I've also been trying to incorporate more exercise into my days. Sundays and Mondays I focus on family and resting, Tuesdays are tummy days so I try to fit in a few sets of crunches and V sits. Thursdays are thigh days so I do squats and wall sits. Wednesday and Friday I do 20-40 minutes of yoga, and Saturday I do 7 minute workouts.
However, summer has started which means I'm with the kids a lot more, which makes it difficult to do a 24 hour fast. So from June, I've decided to adjust a bit and just aim for doing 18 hour fasts 3-4x/week instead of 20-24 hour fasts twice a week.
It's so exciting watching my weight steadily go down and I feel so strong and healthy on the days I exercise. Now I just need to remember to be patient. I gained 18lbs gradually over 1-2 years, and it may take me as long to get it down to my goal, and as always, health is a life long commitment, not a temporary fad!

One month of Intermittent Fasting - Why, How, and results!

I often hear "gaining weight is easy, but losing weight is difficult." I've never actively tried to do either, but I grew up watching my mother struggle with yo-yo dieting, trying all the "fad" diets (Remember Atkins? and its still trendy successor Keto? and now gluten-free/paleo/etc) and getting down to around my size, then ballooning back up to "plus size" in no time. To me, it seemed like the problem was less about gaining or losing weight, and more about imposing unsustainable, unnatural restrictions on yourself only to go back to the exact same habits later, and be surprised when you return to the exact same state as before.

A little over a year ago, I started working for the call center and commuting 4 miles each way by bicycle. At first, it was kind of hard. My legs and core would especially be pretty sore the day after I worked. And then after a while, it became routine. And now, I have no problem riding 4 miles in 30 minutes, 6 times per week. And I generally enjoy making healthy meals with half the plate being colorful fresh vegetables most of the time.

However, sometime over the past few months, my weight crept up. Maybe it was the holidays, maybe it was the office snacks (always having a sweet treat with my coffee in the morning!) maybe my weekend glass of wine, whatever it was I needed to make a change. My weight which had hovered around 110-115 for the past 6 years or so except for pregnancy and immediate postpartum, had crept up to almost 130. For reference, when I lived in Japan I was at 125, and when I was in high school guzzling 2-3 sodas per day and thinking cheese/french fries or cheese/white bread was a legit meal I was 135. My pants were getting tight, my belly had a distinct soft layer, and I knew that it was time to do something.

So where could I make a change? Doing something like giving up all sweets, alcohol, etc. was unsustainable. I enjoy socializing and enjoying all kinds of foods and special occasions with my kids. Enjoying some cookies or cakes or a glass of wine on Saturdays wasn't the sole factor.

When I was at work, I usually snacked, ate something sweet with coffee for breakfast, and when I came home, I would eat something again before my nap. I realized that even though I was riding a bicycle I was still sitting for 10 hours, and then taking a nap at home. Was it really necessary to be eating at such regular intervals? Why did I just keep getting hungry again after a few hours?

Then I read about Intermittent Fasting. I read about the science behind fasting, the way it can regulate and reset digestion and blood sugar, and burn fat. Everything I heard so far about eating 6 meals per day, "keeping metabolism going" and "starvation mode" seemed a little far-fetched by comparison.

If I did a 24 hour fast. I could simply stop eating from after dinner before I went to work on Monday, and keep fasting until dinner on Tuesday night. On a fast, you were allowed to drink green tea and black coffee. On Tuesdays, I usually slept and recovered from Sunday and Monday nights work. If I fasted, my body would have a chance to recover as well.

I decided to try it, starting on April 2nd. Surprisingly, I only drank lots of water, a few cups of green tea, and a cup or two of black coffee, and I did get hungry for 10 minutes or so a few times, but I was able to fast for a whole day with very little difficulty.
I was surprised, because I always thought of snacks and chocolate as "fuel" or "quick energy". However, I found out that while I was fasting, I actually felt LESS hungry, and I felt like I had MORE energy, than while I was eating a cookie or a chocolate every couple hours!

I enjoyed the fast so much that I decided to do a shorter 18 hour fast from Wednesday night to Thursday. And on Wednesdays and Fridays, instead of eating the minute I woke up, I decided to wait until I did the 25 minute walk taking Chinami to school and coming back.

And then I did the same routine the next week as well. 24 hour fast, normal day, 18 hour fast, delaying breakfast until after a bit of light exercise.

After 2 weeks, I had lost 3 lbs, and I felt much better and more energetic.

And now, after one month, I am down 7lbs and have a lot more energy.

If I continue like this, I can see myself being able to cut down to 110lbs or so within another 2-3 months. And coupled with the addition of light exercise in addition to my regular 30-60 minutes of cycling and or walking every day, (planking at the park, yoga in the morning) this could mean an amazing transformation for my body. It's all very exciting, and above everything, it's sustainable. It's not some impossible harsh diet that I'm going to quit as soon as I've reached my "goal". I can keep fasting in my routine for life, tapering to a shorter fast or just once per week to reset and rejuvenate myself once a week.

I hope to update this blog next month with more progress!



Links about Fasting+Science:
https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/fasting-benefits#section9
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/intermittent-fasting-surprising-update-2018062914156
https://www.johnshopkinshealthreview.com/issues/spring-summer-2016/articles/are-there-any-proven-benefits-to-fasting

#ThrowbackThursday February anniversaries

http://33sammi32.blogspot.com/2016/02/take a little time and reflect on our family's February milestones.

In February 2019....
It has been 14 years since Yasushi and I met, and 11 years since we got married.
7 years since we started our life in Hawaii, and also 7 years since I stopped using shampoo in my hair (no-poo, google it!)

It has been 6 years since I went NC with my parents, after trying to suggest various types of mediation and therapy, only to be met with hostility and psychotic threatening/stalking behavior.

It's been 4 years since Yasushi was promoted to head chef at his workplace. In the revolving door of restaurants in Honolulu, his restaurant has not only managed to stay afloat, but he has curated and prepared multi-course meals for various prominent figures and celebrities such as our mayor, Hakuho, and of course, President Obama and his family.

And even though I started working at my company (one of the biggest names in Japanese travel) in October 2013, the achievement award ceremonies are held in February, so just yesterday I received a lei, a certificate, and a monetary bonus commemorating my 5th year working for the company.

For such a short month, February has a lot of big milestones for us.

And 3 years ago, around this time, I was hugely pregnant and anxiously preparing for the homebirth of our son Kairu...and now, I'm excitedly preparing for his 3rd birthday party. As always, we have a BBQ at home, local style, inviting all the ones in our life who have given us and especially Kairu love and support for the past 3 years, and treating them to delicious food like grilled steak and a sashimi boat cut and served by our very own chef dad. The kids play, eat, and of course there is lots of cake at the end.
I've been gradually getting better at the planning end, and for Chinami's 6th we did a Coco-themed party with a home made banner "papel picado" style, yellow tissue paper flowers, a white guitar shaped pinata, tamales and tequila (for the adults!) and a bluetooth speaker playing the Coco soundtrack on loop. Kairu has been obsessed with "The Greatest Showman" since we saw it last year, so I started to plan a circus themed party....and then just a couple weeks ago, Kairu watched Bohemian Rhapsody with me, and now he's obsessed with Freddie Mercury! So it's going to be an interesting party, dedicated to our own greatest showman and rockstar! I hope everyone likes red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese/white chocolate topping!

A New Year!

2019 has started and it's already February.

The end of 2018 was spent with friends and lots of fun. I had my annual Kohaku viewing party on New Year's Eve, and this was the first year in 5 years I didn't have to worry about going to work at 4am the next day, so I ended up staying up way past midnight, and the kids tried their best but fell asleep before the big moment. New Year's day the kids, our dear roommate from Japan, and I went to mochitsuki, Gagaku performances, ate osechi for lunch, and visited the shrine. It was a great local style and Japanese style start to the new year. 

This year, for some reason I feel like I got a head start going in. The first month of 2019 my work schedule stabilized and I started earning almost 3x as much as I was earning back in the beginning of 2018 when I still did airport runs, plus for my commute I get to ride my bicycle 4 miles one way, 6 times a week which is amazing exercise. Now that it's February, I have a pretty good handle on my routine and am somehow able to do 3 overnight shifts per week while still taking care of my kids during the day, and keeping Kairu in preschool for just 2 days per week. 

I've also been itching to really tidy up our home, and the #konmari wave of January really gave me the extra push. I've decluttered a good amount and still have a ways to go, but I'm happy with the progress I've made. 

2019 is really the first year in a while that I haven't really made a clear resolution. We have some goals as a family, mostly financial that we would like to achieve in the next few years such as going to Japan as a family and maybe a new car in the next couple years. 

But personally, while there are some big things I would like to start doing, I'm feeling really secure with myself and satisfied to keep taking it one day, one small thing at a time. Physically, I'm in excellent health and my lifestyle is keeping me on track to many more decades of the same. Mentally, I've done a lot of healing personally. Life's definitely too short to worry about people who would willingly harm you and your family repeatedly.  With Kairu turning 3 next month, I've also gotten to a point where I don't feel overwhelmed by everything, I can take time for myself and feel okay about it. 

All in all, life is definitely a lot more fun when you have less to worry about! #blessed

#sparkjoy

Ready for Christmas!!

Growing up in Pennsylvania and spending time in Japan, I know what winter is supposed to be like. Snow, pine trees, hot cocoa and soup, etc. So for some people spending Christmas in Hawaii would seem a bit monotonous. 

But Hawaii has its own unique winter. The temperatures drop just enough to make fuzzy blankets and hot showers at night feel good. During the day we have trade winds and light rains that almost look like snow when you see the drops fluttering around in the wind. 

Honolulu has its own unique holiday events, in addition to all the amazing unique traditions and cultures shared by the families that live here. Every year I enjoy watching parades, seeing the City Lights display, riding a christmas trolley, and taking pictures with a Santa who wears an aloha shirt. Our condo and surrounding buildings on our street have fantastic light displays, and this year I even joined in decorating my lanai window with a simple yet bold design--a string of lights taped up into a triangle shape, with a color-changing star at the top. From the street, it looks like I have an amazing Christmas tree in my window! My actual Christmas tree is a "pop up" style rainbow tinsel cone that we decorated with all of the usual ornaments like my signature spelling of "LOVE".

We have a big stack of presents by the tree for all of us, not including the loft bed that needs to be put together. Since we usually don't spend money on things like furniture and such, many of our Christmas gifts are household items. On my husband's birthday, I upgraded our coffee table from a low folding wood one to a nice false marble lift-top table, since Yasushi prefers sitting on the sofa to sitting on the floor. I still have the old one folded up just in case for parties and such, so it's not a waste. For Christmas, Chinami is finally getting a loft bed, which will really optimize and organize our bedroom space. I think I'm a bit more excited than anyone for it!

Of course there are things like video games, etc. non essentials, non practical items I would love to buy but this year seeing family and furniture came first. 

2018 was definitely a great year and a year where we came first. We welcomed some great people into our home, we had an amazing family vacation where my children could get in touch with their roots on my side, and I took another step forward in my career and in my personal pursuits. Speaking of which, once again a door shut and a window opened. In December, I was told my hours would be cut, and instead of working 2 overnights and 1 morning shift, I would only be doing 2 overnights. However, the following week, one of our overnight ladies announced she would be leaving us, freeing up two overnight shifts, one of which I was able to take over starting next January. So instead of being uncertain, having Tuesday and Thursday free but not sure if I would be able to find a job to occupy the strange hours, and having a pay cut, I got another pay raise (more hours than before and at the higher overnight rate!) and Tuesday and Thursday can remain as "rest" days. 

So that is part of the reason that I am here on Christmas Eve, awake past midnight despite having worked overnight shift yesterday. Doing overnight shifts two days in a row(and then again one day later) is not going to be easy, but it's the best option for me to be able to provide for my family and still have time to spend with my kids and pursue my own personal projects in 2019. 

Merry Christmas to my beloved family, and may 2019 bring you peace and success. 

Reflections as we near 2019

After we returned from our trip, the time seemed to fly by. Soon, Halloween was already upon us, and instead of doing a Dias de Muertos /Coco theme, the kids and I decided on the Greatest Showman. It gave me a chance to wear the amazing sparkly dress I got as a gift from my dear "aunty" Rachel X when we stayed with them in Pennsylvania (I wore the dress plus gave myself a beard with face paint, easiest costume!) it gave Kyle a chance to shine as the star of his first real Trick or Treating excursion (he walked it this year!!) and Chinami was an amazing "Ann", it was perfect! And since Yasushi was off work this year, he was able to join in the fun and have his first Trick or Treating! Since he is tall, he played "the elephant" using the hat Kyle had used for his very first Halloween at 7 months old. The kids' costumes came together at the last minute, using lots of tacky glue and other sneaky techniques but we got lots of compliments!
After Halloween it was already November, and just like that, it was already Thanksgiving in just another week or so! Yasushi's workplace closed for dinner on that day, so I went shopping little by little during the week to amass all the ingredients we needed for our family feast -- a turkey of course (7.99 for a 15 pounder from Safeway with an in app coupon) some mixed wild rices and quinoas for our "stuffing" which is really takikomi wild rice with the turkey neck/tail/giblets, celery and carrots, creamed spinach which was my favorite dish at Boston Market and something unique to my American heritage, some brussels sprouts and corn, and this year instead of having mashed potatoes and doing sweet potato/kabocha pie and the like, I changed it up a little and just threw a bunch of different kinds of sweet potato (traditional orange yams, Japanese yellow satsumaimo, and "local" Okinawan purple) and some kabocha for good measure into the oven all wrapped up in foil when I put the turkey in. And for dessert, we had a special "new" family dish-- pumpkin butter mochi! Kyle has always loved butter mochi, since he was just a baby and his uncle Brandon brought some over and he just couldn't stop eating it!! At his 2nd birthday I made a butter mochi bus-shaped birthday cake with donut tires. And so I thought for our family Thanksgiving it would be appropriate to incorporate this piece of our family culture into the menu, and got us some butter mochi mix, and some canned pumpkin, and did a little adjustment and made it all work.
This year, I worked overnight on Wednesday, plus we were invited to a lunch potluck, so more than ever it was so important to prepare as much as I could ahead of time. On Tuesday I started the dry-brine on the turkey and put it in the nylon baking bag. On Wednesday I made sure all the ingredients were put together and grouped in the fridge, and on Thursday in the hour between coming home and leaving for the potluck I double checked and made sure everything would be ready to shove into the oven and push the "on" button on the pressure cooker when we got home around 1-2pm so I could nap for an hour or so before waking up again to check on things and clean up, and heat up the creamed spinach.
At the potluck, they had a microphone and amp set up for anyone to jump in and do some entertaining. So of course, with a little hesitation, I jumped in and sang a song. Kiyoshi no Zundoko Bushi. And so now everyone at the church knows that I like to sing Enka. I mean it's not something I actively keep a secret, I just never had the opportunity to bring it up, and now even people I don't know already know I sing Enka. After that a bunch of people had brought ukuleles and we had a good old fashioned kanikapila or "jam session", me with my accordion for the first time in years playing with others. It felt good!
Yasushi's friend from work came to have dinner with us and he brought us some wine. And luckily our roommate arrived home before we all passed out so I was able to make her a plate as well.
And just like that, now it's December. We have our Christmas tree up, and I even decorated our balcony door as well! This Sunday is the day of the JLPT test, which I signed up to take the N1 since it's been 10 years already since I passed it the first time.
I feel like the last few years I have lost focus on myself. But now I am getting back to my old passions. And I'm in a place now thanks to my overnight (premium pay) job where I am going to have more time to give the things I used to do another try. Sure, a lot has changed in the 6 years since I became a mom, but we'll see if I can adapt.

NYC and PA Trip!

I secured a new credit card with a bonus miles deal AND 2 free checked bags, and booked our plane tickets, our airport shuttle in Honolulu, our airbnb in Jersey City for the NYC leg, and our rental car for our PA leg. We packed one bag full of goodies from Hawaii and Japan to distribute, and one bag with one weeks worth of clothes, and headed off on our first journey to the East Coast in 7 years, the first time for both of my children.

9/5-9/6

Our plane ride from Honolulu to Newark Airport was a direct overnight flight which had its good points and bad...Kairu was very fussy on some legs of the flight which led to a tired family arriving in Newark at 6:45 AM, with an airbnb check in time of 4PM. Plus my poor judgement of how difficult a rail journey would be with 2 bags and 2 kids. Somehow we made it, and around 8AM we had dropped off all of our bags and carryons at the airbnb, and were hungry for some good food. Yasushi decided he was up for some dim sum in Chinatown. We ate at Shanghai Joe's, and then went to a nearby park which had an amazing playground and played away the rest of the day until it was time to check in, and promptly went to bed (after moving one of the mattresses to the floor for me and Kairu! 

9/7

Our second day in NYC started out cold, and rainy! We were all surprised by the change in weather from hotter and more humid than Honolulu, to the equivalent of our winter! We had some donuts for a snack, then headed up to Harlem hoping to get some gospel and soul food brunch, but the place I wanted to go was closed unexpectedly! Oh well, we enjoyed lunch at a nearby bar and grill which turned out to be pleasantly delicious, and walked around the neighborhood, and played at another park, which again, looked and felt safer and cleaner than the ones around our home in Honolulu. We headed to Times Square, went to the Top of the Rock, enjoyed classic NYC sightseeing, and finished the day off with pizza. 

9/8 

Today was the day we split off into mom-daughter and father-son teams, because for very good reason, small children aren't allowed into Broadway performances, and Chinami and I had tickets to the matinee of Anastasia the Musical: starring none other than our homegrown Pennsbury High School Thespian Troupe star Christy Altomare! She was a grade below me, and due to the way our high school split into two buildings, we actually were together in productions when I was in 10th and 12th grade. She was always the star, I was always somewhere in the back, we had our separate groups of friends, but definitely saw each other here and there. The show, and her performance, were absolutely amazing! I loved the story and the way they handled the controversy.

We headed straight for the stage door the minute the show was over and I was able to hand over a modest gift (Hawaiian honey and Japanese herbal throat candies) and say hello...we ended up getting all teary eyed...Success comes in many different forms. Some people end up on Broadway with like millions of adoring fans, some  people end up owning a condo in Honolulu, raising two amazing bilingual kids, and getting a moderately well paying job using the skills they went to college for. 

After that, we met back up with the other half of our family, ate street foods for dinner, and went home to sleep and prepare for the next leg of our journey!

9/9

Having learned from our dreadful journey through the underground the first time, we decided to order a Lyft to Newark Airport to pick up our rental car. It turned out to be just about the same amount, with a lot less stress. Or so it seemed. When I chose "EWR" as my destination in the app, it asked for my departure information, so I pressed the "skip" button, which I guess just set a generic "airport" destination. When the Lyft driver came, I told him that I was going to Hertz Rental Car, which is in Building 23, that is the address I have on the reservation and on Google. He told me OK, then proceeded to take us to the airport....and try to go to the random spot the app had originally sent.....and then asked me why I had given him that wrong address in the Lyft app. I told him that I was going to Hertz Rental Car, in building 23, not a departure like the app was trying to ask me, so that's why I told him the address when we got in the car. He then proceeded to drive in circles, around random places around the airport, all the while telling me I was wrong for not giving him the right address. I told him multiple times, Hertz, Building 23, and at one point he seemed to put it in his GPS, then deliberately ignored the navigation, then got mad at me again because he couldn't find the destination, he wouldn't listen to the navigation, or me or my husband. It was unbelievable. Then he started to ask his phone "Newark Airport Rental Car" and looking at what came up, Enterprise, National, Dollar, etc. I asked him why he was doing that when I already gave him the name and address of the place where we were going and had a reservation. Finally he just drove to another rental car place, despite Hertz being literally next to it, and we got out because we just couldn't deal with his absolute batshit behavior anymore. I complained to Lyft and got a $10 refund. Even so, I was still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe EWR is one of those places that is just a nightmare to navigate, maybe Google doesn't have their maps up-to-date, maybe there was some kind of reason we didn't know about. However, when it was time to return the car, Yasushi (who is very obviously not a local to the Newark Area,) simply put in "Newark Airport, Building 23, Hertz Rental Car" into Google Maps, followed the navigation on the screen which did lead us to one closed road that had a detour, and we got there with no problems. 

We picked up our "new" car, a Nissan Pathfinder, installed the kids car seats, and were on our way to New Hope! We had other plans that fell through due to rain and other issues, so New Hope was a good backup plan. We had a quick lunch at Salt, which was a place I had never gone before but was an amazing little spot with delicious food in a gorgeous setting. After lunch, we headed to Morrisville, which took us through the one street in Yardley, taking in all the sights along the way. 

We got to my family's home, where they had just gotten back from church and were preparing to take us on a visit to my Grandpop's nursing home. Unfortunately, he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and put into a care home earlier this year. He definitely seemed a bit foggy, but I enjoyed seeing him and I could tell he enjoyed spending time with his family, even if he wasn't quite sure who they all were. We also spent time looking at old photos of his from when he was in Japan for military service in his younger days. I bet he never imagined that some day he would have half-Japanese great grandkids! 

We spent the evening at their home until it was time for us to check in to our second "airbnb"...the home of two dear family friends who had been at our wedding and provided a lot of validation and advice for me when I had first started healing and separating from my parents. Even though they are very different from my parents, and their house was not one I had spent a lot of time in, something about it felt very comforting and homey to me, and I was really able to enjoy my time in PA. Of course, after I moved one of the futon mattresses from the other room to the floor of the room that we were all going to sleep in! Co-sleeping as a family takes a little bit of creative planning when travelling in America! 

9/10 

A combination of cold germs, all the different environments and all the talking and laughing I did with my family led to me having almost no voice on this day! But it was a pretty low-key day with us mostly driving way out into the middle of nowhere (even moreso than the Yardley area) to meet some friends who lived in Reading for a lunch at the Shady Maple Smorgasboard in Amish country. In all my years actually living in Pennsylvania I had never actually gone to Amish country, so it was pretty exciting, and the lunch was the biggest buffet I had ever seen! It was definitely worth the 90 minute drive! After lunch, we took a detour to a cluster of Jewish cemeteries near Philadelphia to look for my grandfather's grave. However, since I had never seen it, and the cemetery was very poorly organized we ended up not being able to find it. I was ready to give up and wait another 7 years or so but Yasushi offered to come again in the morning when the cemetery caretaker would be there. We drove back to the house and went to sleep.

9/11

I woke up this morning feeling much better and we headed off to the cemetery again, with a quick stop at WaWa for some various breakfast foods and coffee.
We got to the cemetery and headed to the office, but found the caretaker walking the grounds before we got there. I explained the situation and we went into his office, which was basically a desk with aged photocopies various maps of the plots strewn about, and a small index card filing cabinet which he was rifling through to find my grandfather's grave. He found the little handwritten card and led us to the grave. It was like something out of an old movie, I thought most people had converted their resources to digital but apparently not.
Visiting my Poppy's grave and paying him the last respects I was never able to until now, plus giving him an update and bringing his great grandchildren was an incredibly important and healing experience that I am so grateful I was finally able to have.

After that, since we were near Philadelphia we spent a couple hours in the area by the Art Museum. There was another nice playground there and the kids had a great time. There was a Whole Foods right near there so we stopped by and did a little shopping, and I bought some salad, vegetables, fruits and desserts to bring to my family's place since my uncle was making dinner for us.
We enjoyed a home-cooked meal and quality family time on our last night before our plane ride. Except for being just a little concerned about a hurricane heading up the East Coast towards the Carolinas, and a hurricane hanging around the Pacific as well, it was a very pleasant evening! Chinami loved doing puzzles with her cousins, and Kairu was engrossed in the vintage Thomas trains they brought up from the basement for him.
After dinner, it was time for us to head off to the house again and get a little sleep before our 7AM flight.

9/12 

After Yasushi and I slept in shifts as to not miss our wakeup time, we loaded the kids in the car, said goodbye to our lovely hosts and headed to the airport. Everything went smoothly this time, Yasushi was able to go straight to the car rental return lot with no "GPS" problems, and from there it was a short distance to our check in and gate. By the time we got to the gate, they had already started boarding and when we got on the plane, it was almost empty due to the hurricane scares. So theoretically we had plenty of room to stretch out and sleep but with 2 kids it sounded a lot easier than it actually was. We got at least a few hours in and the rest of the time was spent watching a lot of in flight movies.

It wasn't what you would call a relaxing vacation, especially with 2 kids, but the experiences and memories we made during this week are such an amazing gift, and so I felt I needed to write it all down. While there were still so many people we wanted to see and so many things we wanted to do, I was satisfied with all of the things we did get done in the week we were on the East Coast.

End of summer!!!

Even though it's always summer in Hawaii, this year was Chinami's first "summer vacation" since she finished her first year of Kindergarten in May. I was lucky enough to be able to enroll her in our local Parks and Rec Summer Fun program which was right within our budget and filled her days with lots of new experiences, friends, and memories.
She turned 6 and had an amazing party during the week (that had a quick burst of drama when our property manager accidentally forgot my reservation for the BBQ area the afternoon of!) followed by a Chuck E Cheese outing with Summer Fun on the actual day of, an outdoor festival seeing her favorite Tongan Sisters singing group and local ukulele players, and then a big mermaid/cosplay/geek meet at the beach to round out the weekend!
This Wednesday, she starts 1st grade. and starting the Monday after that, she will be attending Japanese school on top of her regular school. She's only just turned 6, but she is facing a lot of new challenges and adventures, and growing up so fast.
For the past few months, Chinami has been asking about getting her hair cut. She has not had it cut a single time since she was born--it has just been growing wild all the way down her back! So I made sure that she was serious and secure in her decision, we looked at different hair styles together, and I had her discuss it with her Auntie who happens to own a salon and is extremely talented. We thought about it and decided to cut it in a style that suits her cuteness and her wildness. And since she loves the color purple and has had colored extensions before, I asked her if she wanted a couple purple highlights and she loved the idea. So this past Sunday, we celebrated the milestone-Chinami's first hair cut. I now have 12 inches of beautiful straight brown hair to donate to charity, and Chinami has a layered chin length asymmetrical bob with a bright purple streak framing her face. She looks even more confident and stylish if that's possible. I'm so proud of what a smart, strong and cool girl she has become.
So all the shopping, all the paperwork, all the checks, everything is all done and lined up for the new school year.
And while this has been going on, we've had another plan in the works. Since Kairu was born, and then we got life insurance as well, we've been playing catch-up with finances a little bit, and haven't been able to save up much, but we decided that it was time to stop putting it off indefinitely and take our next family trip--this time to my side of the world, Pennsylvania..with a couple days in NYC for some family fun. It has been almost 7 years since I was there last, and I would really like to see some of my family (mainly my grandparents, who aren't getting any younger..) and friends again, and give my children their first glimpses of some of the scenery and cultures I grew up with.
As for my parents...well, I've waited 6 years now for them to reach out in a positive, empathetic way. They could have contacted me via a public forum, taken me up on one of my many suggestions of family therapy, personal therapy, a diagnostic visit for their peace of mind, etc. They could have shown concern or empathy towards me instead of judgement and hostility. I am always willing to give someone a second chance. However, their silence has told me exactly what they really feel about me and about my whole family. I don't feel any anger towards them anymore. Just sadness and disappointment. And a bit of pity for them, they won't get to meet my amazingly cool daughter and my adorable charming son. Their loss!
So this month I will be securing our lodging for the week, Broadway tickets to see Anastasia (the star just so happens to be someone I went to high school with....) and thinking of all the yummy things I'm gonna eat :D

3 month probation...

As I wrote in my last entry, I started my new job almost three months ago. And it's been so refreshing and rejuvenating! I get along well with everyone, I can improve my Japanese skills, and it really feels like my college degree, experience in Japan, experience here, and life experience in general is really coming in handy.  I also get to have some time to myself, sometimes at night after I put the kids to sleep, sometimes during the day when they are at school, and it's been really great to reconnect with myself. Self-care is so important after spending so many hours of my day tending to others. An hour here or there to watch some TV, drink some wine, eat some chocolate, is such a blessing! 

I was worried about the bicycle ride. It only took me 15 minutes at the most to get to Waikiki. Getting across town seemed impossible! However, thanks to our city's bike lanes, it actually takes me less than 40 minutes. And if I put on some music, it's a pretty enjoyable half hour of solid cardio. So not only do I get higher pay, a more challenging work environment, and room to learn and expand my workload in the future, I get 180 minutes of moderate cardio/week! 

I was worried about staying up for overnight shifts. But the human body is an amazing thing, and if you take the time to make sure it is in good shape, it will reward you by helping you achieve whatever you need to.

After the horrible experience I had renting my room to someone I knew, I have been extra cautious when welcoming new guests into the home, but luckily our family has been blessed with some amazing new connections over the past few months. A wonderful teacher from Switzerland, a young student from Japan who we took in after she was being abused by her homestay hosts, both short visits but their presence had really enriched our home and reaffirmed that having roommates can be a good thing. 

The bad experiences and ups and downs I've been having from last year really showed me that everything happens for a reason. Cleaning up a destroyed guest room was revolting but showed me how bad things can be when you neglect your own physical and mental health. Dealing with the real possibility of losing my job and my family's health insurance forced me to take chances I wouldn't have otherwise thought about, and I came out with a better job. 

I'm glad I finally sat down and typed something out, but I should probably get to sleep. Tomorrow is a busy day. There is a festival at Shirokiya that will be held on every last Sunday, which one of my college friends was instrumental in organizing, that I feel will open some interesting opportunities for me. After that, in my neighborhood there is a party for the Blue Zones Project, a movement dedicated to helping everyone in our city live long, healthy lives by promoting the ideas of fitness, plant-heavy diet, and community. And then after that, we welcome another new roommate who is moving to Hawaii for a year-long work assignment. I hope she enjoys being here, as we will enjoy having her. And of course, since it's a Sunday...that means after everyone is settled in and the kids are asleep...I'm off to work! 

Goodbye, ASAICHI life.

Today, March 24th, was my last day at my job.

Way back when Chinami was born, we were a struggling low income household just trying to make it in Hawaii. I was doing babysitting and freelance translations and transcriptions while being a stay at home mom to Chinami. After she turned 1, I made the decision to start putting her in a preschool and working part-time. However the schedule and cost of preschool was prohibitive to any jobs I could find.
I found a job that made it work. A part-time position at a well known "elite" Japanese travel company. I would start at 4am and finish by noon, and be on a full-time schedule. My title was "ASAICHI", or "morning no. 1!" and my duties were to safely guide our guests to the airport, make sure they boarded their planes to the neighbor islands, and then go back to the office and do office work for a few hours.
My airport duties were very simple and the customers were usually very kind. The office work was a bit more challenging but I enjoyed the mixed Japanese/local environment and got along well with everyone. However my job duties changed after a while, and I was being sent out to "help out" with customer service departments. I felt redundant and not challenged. It was around this time I found out I was pregnant with my son, so I took this as a sign and I reduced my hours to part-time, and concentrated on only doing the airport runs as I would be able to continue these no matter how everyone else's schedules changed.
And I continued with my schedule after Chinami started kindergarten and Kairu started part-time preschool. Yasushi and I coordinated our schedules and for the most part, things went smoothly. I joked that I would probably be doing this job forever.
However, the writing was on the wall. The number of passengers in the bus every day were very gradually getting less, and the cost of the staff and transport was getting to be disproportionate to the amount of profits. My company did what made the most sense, even if it was a difficult decision for us. They contracted my job (and my 3 co-workers' jobs as well) out to a different local company, to combine transport, cut costs, and maximize savings for the customers and profits for the company. And I fully agreed with their decision.
They gave us this news in January. The new contracts would begin April 1st. They also gave us a variety of options so we could decide to stay within the company if we wished, or we could try and find a job somewhere else and they would support us with unemployment papers, etc.
At first, I looked through the job list and shook my head. Mostly 9-5 office jobs. Impossible with kids in school and a chef husband.
I looked elsewhere. There were a lot of jobs I was interested in, such as companions for the elderly, house cleaning, night auditor, overnight security guard, overnight concierge, ESL teaching, but there was always some reason I gave up. I don't have experience, I don't have a driver's license, they never answered my inquiries, etc. Strangely enough at this time, people I had hardly talked to started getting in touch with me again with job opportunities. One fell through almost immediately, and one stayed in limbo for a long time until I was called in for an interview....this was a Japanese teaching position in a private high school. I made it until a final interview with the head director of the school, but in the end the position was offered to one of the other candidates, possibly because I didn't have specific high school Japanese teaching experience. At this point, it was March. I started to get anxious.
If everything else failed and I was desperate.....well there was always the supermarket and the fast food places down the road to put in overnight shifts.
I looked at the job list the HR rep had given to me. There was one position that sounded intriguing. A call center. With overnight shifts. But native level Japanese ability was required. It sounded pretty difficult, but maybe possible.
I started getting super stressed over the possibility of losing our family's insurance even temporarily. If I become unemployed or underemployed, we would be without insurance, ineligible for Medicare but still struggling, and the only choice would be for Yasushi to take a pay cut to get insurance through his job.
I went to the interview, and got the job offer 2 days later. And they offered me an hourly pay that was higher than my current job, and higher than many of the other jobs I had been considering.
So yes, it was a very rough couple of months and it was not helping my anxiety and depression, but I pressed on and I never gave up on myself, the job search or my mental and physical health. Just like most of the difficult experiences I've had, I can learn from it and keep building and growing.
And now I feel like I am free from that lifestyle I was living for the past 4 years. Every day, I had to make sure I slept before 9PM at the latest, or else I would be extremely anxious about my ability to wake up for work. Because unlike a normal wake-up routine, I also had to take care to wake up as quietly as possible as not to disturb my family. Even on my days off, I had to take care to keep a similar sleep schedule, or else it would mess up my body's rhythm. I rarely went out after dark, even for kid-friendly events. And not being home in the mornings, even on holidays, meant I had to say "no" to a few school and social obligations as well. So even though I'm sure the next 3 months of probation/new job training will be pretty hectic, and the start of my overnight shifts as well, plus a 4 mile commute by bike will be pretty exhausting as well, but I will have a lot more freedom in my schedule with this new job.
I'll miss my 3 co-workers, the rest of the office, and all the drivers and staff at Hawaiian Airlines, Airport Security, TSA, etc. etc. Everyone was so friendly!
My first day is tomorrow, an 11 hour shift! I think I will go to bed a little later than usual tonight. And then I will wake up a little later. I think I'll enjoy that.