It's February again.
A month that brought many changes to my life.
Of course, Yasushi and my anniversary-of the first time we met in person in 2005, and our wedding in 2008 is something we celebrate every year on the 24th and 25th of the month.
I also acknowledge with gratitude that February was the month Yasushi and I moved to Hawaii to start our new life in 2012, soon to be a family of 3. A few years later in 2016, February was a month of nesting and preparation for the home birth of our son.
However, February also brings some difficult anniversaries.
The most recent being our dear Shamoto sensei's passing in February 2020. We still have not been able to properly gather and have a Celebration of Life with all of his colleagues from around the world due to travel restrictions caused by the pandemic. I hope we will be able to honor him properly and also practice together again soon.
Last month, we watched the Disney movie Encanto. If you haven't seen the movie, without spoiling the ending, it does deal with family conflict, and threw the entire world into a much needed conversation about generational trauma and the pain and dysfunction that results from it....with an amazing soundtrack!
It reminded me that it's been almost 10 years since I last had meaningful contact with my parents.
In February of 2013, I had to send my parents a cease and desist letter. They had threatened me and my family, and they continued to gaslight and invalidate me whenever I tried to speak up about the trauma I had endured from their physical abuse, and emotional abuse and neglect of me as a child up through my 20s, and the resulting illness I was experiencing.
Being discarded by the two people who should have loved me unconditionally, and having my family's safety threatened by them as well was really not what I wanted, and even now, I would give them a second (third, fourth...) chance if they truly wanted to accept me and hold themselves accountable for their actions and the consequences they had on me.
So this month, I decided to send out a letter to them. I had been writing the letter for a while during my journaling sessions, and it took a lot of inner struggle and work to get to the point where I could finish the letter. I acknowledged their experiences and expressed my love and forgiveness to them, and invited them to contact me as long as they can be civil.
I haven't received any reply, which is really disappointing. Even through all the healing, all the therapy, all the support groups, I still wanted to believe that they were just flawed humans who wanted to do their best but they were in pain, and that someday they could come face to face with themselves and decide to be better, and we could be a family again. That was my intention in sending them a letter after almost 10 years. However, I guess I was hoping for something that is impossible for them. Sitting with your trauma and acknowledging how it affected you, feeling that pain again and comforting yourself, is a lot of work. If rejecting me and my whole family is the easier choice for them, I hope that choice brings them comfort and peace. I'm still grateful to them and acknowledge their role in our family's unique heritage and history. In a way, I've gained closure now.
In February of 2014, Yasushi became head chef. It was an amazing promotion and at the time it felt like a satisfying development for what has been his lifelong career. At this job, he has been able to cater to high profile events and even serve and get compliments from our former President Obama.
During the pandemic, I felt grateful that Yasushi was able to keep his job and keep supporting our family and keep the restaurant afloat.
However, now I know the truth about what was happening and how he was being coerced into doing more work than one person possibly could, which has led to him possibly being permanently disabled now. It has been a lesson in how dangerous some people can be even if they present a different face to the public.
I should have seen the signs knowing that I grew up enduring similar forms of emotional abuse, where you are gaslighted, tempted, or intimidated into acting how the abuser wants you to act, and the abuser has bouts of uncontrollable rage and violence that are conveniently hidden from the general public.
I am very upset about what happened, but nothing good will come if we act out of anger and distress. So we are having our lawyer, and karma, handle it. Whatever trauma, mental illness, personality disorder, etc, that made them act so viciously towards a kind, hardworking man like my husband, is not ours to fix nor ours to deal with anymore. They can enjoy their empty, lonely life and whatever the universe has in store for them next. My husband will be OK. This may mean the end of his 20+ year long career as a chef, it may mean that there will be certain activities he can't enjoy like he used to, however, he still has his life, he still has his family by his side with unconditional love and support, and he is still an amazing person with all kinds of gifts to share with the world.
What will this month bring in 2022? It would be great if we gained something new to celebrate, but even if we don't, we will still celebrate all of the anniversaries that led to us being a family today, starting with that fateful day at the airport 17 years ago.
