A yellow memory

 Today my therapist went over the thought stopping technique for when I have anxiety riding in the car. 

--Yes, one of the reasons I decided to seek out help again is my anxiety riding in the car. It may be the trauma from the car accident, it could be trauma from always being verbally assaulted regularly riding in the car, but I've had anxiety in cars for a long time and the panic attacks I've had while riding in cars as an adult were likely mixed with flashbacks....there are a lot of difficult experiences and memories that now I realize, I was having a flashback which elicited that reaction....

Anyway, the thought stop technique. (see what I did there) When you feel the anxiety coming up, you tell yourself to stop, and then you pull up a memory of a time you felt happy, free and fulfilled. So, basically your memory guys throw one of the yellow balls into the tube and it broadcasts. (Inside out is actually REALLY accurate, and so cute, with their portrayal of how things work in the brain.) 

So what is a memory that I get on the projection screen for that purpose? 

It reminded me of the film After Life. The premise is a different take on purgatory. You land in what seems to be an abandoned school building turned into a dormatory and ad hoc movie studio, and they have you choose one memory that they then recreate for you and give you a videotape. 

I saw that movie at a movie showing by the Japanese Culture Club somewhere around 2006-7. What would my memory be? 

What I came up with was a pretty mundane thing. 

It was after a Gagaku concert I attended in Tokyo. I didn't remember the way to the station so I walked in a random direction. It was night, and December so the gingko trees were bright yellow. The yellow glowing in the light of the streetlamps was so beautiful, so tranquil, and I felt at peace. I knew I would get home, I felt safe in Tokyo, so I just enjoyed that beauty, in that moment. 

What important lessons I can learn by bringing that memory up into the projector again. 

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February - a month of love

 It's February again.

A month that brought many changes to my life. 

Of course, Yasushi and my anniversary-of the first time we met in person in 2005, and our wedding in 2008 is something we celebrate every year on the 24th and 25th of the month.

I also acknowledge with gratitude that February was the month Yasushi and I moved to Hawaii to start our new life in 2012, soon to be a family of 3. A few years later in 2016, February was a month of nesting and preparation for the home birth of our son. 

However, February also brings some difficult anniversaries.

The most recent being our dear Shamoto sensei's passing in February 2020. We still have not been able to properly gather and have a Celebration of Life with all of his colleagues from around the world due to travel restrictions caused by the pandemic. I hope we will be able to honor him properly and also practice together again soon. 

Last month, we watched the Disney movie Encanto. If you haven't seen the movie, without spoiling the ending, it does deal with family conflict, and threw the entire world into a much needed conversation about generational trauma and the pain and dysfunction that results from it....with an amazing soundtrack!

It reminded me that it's been almost 10 years since I last had meaningful contact with my parents.  

In February of 2013, I had to send my parents a cease and desist letter. They had threatened me and my family, and they continued to gaslight and invalidate me whenever I tried to speak up about the trauma I had endured from their physical abuse, and emotional abuse and neglect of me as a child up through my 20s, and the resulting illness I was experiencing. 

Being discarded by the two people who should have loved me unconditionally, and having my family's safety threatened by them as well was really not what I wanted, and even now, I would give them a second (third, fourth...) chance if they truly wanted to accept me and hold themselves accountable for their actions and the consequences they had on me. 

So this month, I decided to send out a letter to them. I had been writing the letter for a while during my journaling sessions, and it took a lot of inner struggle and work to get to the point where I could finish the letter. I acknowledged their experiences and expressed my love and forgiveness to them, and invited them to contact me as long as they can be civil. 

I haven't received any reply, which is really disappointing. Even through all the healing, all the therapy, all the support groups, I still wanted to believe that they were just flawed humans who wanted to do their best but they were in pain, and that someday they could come face to face with themselves and decide to be better, and we could be a family again. That was my intention in sending them a letter after almost 10 years. However, I guess I was hoping for something that is impossible for them. Sitting with your trauma and acknowledging how it affected you, feeling that pain again and comforting yourself, is a lot of work. If rejecting me and my whole family is the easier choice for them, I hope that choice brings them comfort and peace. I'm still grateful to them and acknowledge their role in our family's unique heritage and history. In a way, I've gained closure now. 

In February of 2014, Yasushi became head chef. It was an amazing promotion and at the time it felt like a satisfying development for what has been his lifelong career. At this job, he has been able to cater to high profile events and even serve and get compliments from our former President Obama.

During the pandemic, I felt grateful that Yasushi was able to keep his job and keep supporting our family and keep the restaurant afloat. 

However, now I know the truth about what was happening and how he was being coerced into doing more work than one person possibly could, which has led to him possibly being permanently disabled now. It has been a lesson in how dangerous some people can be even if they present a different face to the public.  

I should have seen the signs knowing that I grew up enduring similar forms of emotional abuse, where you are gaslighted, tempted, or intimidated into acting how the abuser wants you to act, and the abuser has bouts of uncontrollable rage and violence that are conveniently hidden from the general public.

I am very upset about what happened, but nothing good will come if we act out of anger and distress. So we are having our lawyer, and karma, handle it. Whatever trauma, mental illness, personality disorder, etc, that made them act so viciously towards a kind, hardworking man like my husband, is not ours to fix nor ours to deal with anymore. They can enjoy their empty, lonely life and whatever the universe has in store for them next. My husband will be OK. This may mean the end of his 20+ year long career as a chef, it may mean that there will be certain activities he can't enjoy like he used to, however, he still has his life, he still has his family by his side with unconditional love and support, and he is still an amazing person with all kinds of gifts to share with the world. 

What will this month bring in 2022? It would be great if we gained something new to celebrate, but even if we don't, we will still celebrate all of the anniversaries that led to us being a family today, starting with that fateful day at the airport 17 years ago. 

On being 9 - two different worlds

This summer, my daughter turned 9. She was enjoying every day at Summer Fun with her friends and her favorite group leaders, playing outside every day, swimming in the pool, eating popsicles and generally having a blast. On her birthday, she and some of her friends took the day off, and we invited other dear friends and family for a good old fashioned birthday BBQ pool party, like we used to do before all this. She played in the pool and ate cake and hit a pinata and it was the best day of the year. And then in the fall, school and Japanese classes started full-time for her, and this time, for her little brother too. Sure, everyone is wearing masks, but they were all together again and able to play and learn and work hard every day. She has become so popular at school playing the ukulele as well. The ukulele jam group we go to has also started back up, and she enjoys attending when she can. Sure, sometimes she fights with her brother, or argues with me, or ignores her Dad, but we work it out. 

She probably has a lot of worries and struggles of her own, and she has a whole lot of hobbies and interests I know nothing about, and there is a Chinami at school that is different from the Chinami at home. And this is all perfectly fine and normal for a 9 year old. I'm just her mother, I have no way of knowing or controlling everything in her life. And I have no desire to. It's her life, I'm just there to help her along with it when she needs it.

For her, being 9 seems pretty good. 

For me, being 9 kind of sucked.

The summer before I turned 9 we went to Disney World. And we visited family in Florida, and our family in Pennsylvania, and we even had a big birthday party for me in a restaurant. That was fun. 

And then we went back to our home at that time (we had moved about 3-4 times already up to that point) in the Caribbean, to be met head on by a Category 4 hurricane. It leveled several parts of the island. I still have the images clearly in my head, because my parents and their friends decided it would be appropriate to get in their car and drive around to gawk at all the damage, and took pictures and video as well, making jokes about the locals losing their homes and looting. 

We didn't have power or running water for a long time, and I would read, craft, do other analog things and take cold sponge baths by bucket. 

We spent some time after that temporarily at grandfathers in PA and I went to school there for a few weeks. I was very clearly struggling at this point. 

I had experienced a massive natural disaster, had no way to contact my friends, and to top it off, a shy child entering an inner city public school after spending years at a private school for ex-pats. I was out of touch with their culture, their social hierarchy, their mannerisms. So basically, an easy target. I was relentlessly bullied, ostracized by teachers, I lost all motivation to do any school work (the work itself was at an academic level way below what I was used to. However I felt like the inside of my head was just blank most of the time). At home, my parents would watch and rewatch the videos they took of the rubble. I would cry when I saw them. There was no grief support. Just demands on me to be a good student and so I had to pretend to be resilient. 

Luckily, my school reopened after another month or so, and I was able to spend the rest of the school year in a somewhat comfortable environment while my parents attempted to pick up the pieces and figure out the next steps. Yes, I acknowledge that this was a tough situation for them too. Maybe their callousness and indifference to the suffering of others was a coping mechanism for them. 

After this, we moved back to Philly. I was starting 6th grade now, again in an unfamiliar, hostile inner city middle school. Middle school is hell for a lot of kids. But for me, I was over a year younger than all of my peers due to having skipped a grade, I was sheltered and out of touch with what was cool among Philly kids due to living on an island for years and going to a private expat school, and I had experienced a major natural disaster to boot. It was kind of a nightmare. I made one friend but my parents didn’t really approve of him and  after a while I wasn't able to see him...now I see clearly what kind of friends my mom would have deemed acceptable...but that’s another story for another day.

The next thing that happened was my mother had a major car accident while practicing for her driving test. We all had to go to the hospital, my mother in the ICU, my father and I getting everything checked. I was not hurt at all, my father had whiplash and my mother had a broken hip and would need major surgery, 3 months of bed rest and physical therapy to walk again.

So instead of making friends, maybe going to a summer camp or something like some kids did, or doing anything enjoyable, I was stuck in an apartment for three months expected to just be resilient and "help out". I hadn’t been taught any basic life skills so I was pretty useless. My mom would ask me to hand pick up bits of hair and dirt from the carpet, shave her legs for her, and rub lotion on her feet and back. I don't remember much from most of this year actually. A lot of pain, brain fog from my brain desperately trying to shield 10 year old me from the pain, and loneliness. 

Yes, I was 10 but I don't even remember a birthday happening that year. I had been traumatized and then the year just kind of passed without anything to look forward to. My parents made no effort to give me some kind of outlet or activity to enjoy and work at. I didn't have any motivation within myself to learn or do anything. I just stayed inside watching TV endlessly. How sad. I wish I could go back and give her a hug and reassure her that she can still be a kid, and that she has value and talent, and that she can still find happiness even though so much has gone so wrong. 

But because of this, I am now able to look at my 9 year old daughter, and make sure she doesn't have to feel like I did. And I can find happiness as I watch her find hers. 

Our experience with COVID

It's been a while since I have written a public entry...I have been doing a lot of internal reflecting and journaling, there are tons of writings in my drafts that I may publish or may not.

Anyway, a pandemic update:

Fall 2021..18 months after the first lockdown, and with 2 vaccine shots for the adults, it seemed like things were finally going back to the way they used to be. 

Chinami finally got the day full of fun and food with her friends for her birthday in July, and in August school and Japanese school was all back in session full-time for both her and little brother. 

We even had a small end-of-summer/Obon BBQ a couple weeks in, just with some friends from Chinami's class and their families. We enjoyed food, drinks, and bon odori outside on a Friday night. 

That Monday, we learned that one of her classmates had tested positive for COVID and had been out of school since Thursday. Her whole class was put on quarantine and Zoom links were sent out for Tuesday and beyond. 

What about siblings from the same household? If they are a contact of a close contact, aka in contact with someone who may have been in contact with a confirmed COVID case, they do not have to quarantine. Two degrees of separation. So little brother was cleared to keep going to Kindergarten. 

Until Wednesday night when Chinami came down with a fever and complained that her head hurt, her joints hurt, her stomach hurt....We ordered a test the next morning for Friday. On Saturday we got the results--positive. By this time both Yasushi and I had some symptoms ourselves as well--I was experiencing fatigue, weakness and body aches and Yasushi had a fever, chills and body aches. Kyle was in quarantine with the rest of us and his entire class as well until we could get test results for him. A few days later, on Tuesday, he tested negative so his whole class was able to return to school. 

And then on Friday, Kyle ran a fever and complained of body aches as well. We got him a second test right away on that Saturday, and he spent the weekend resting. Chinami and I had almost fully recovered by then and Yasushi still had some lingering aches and loss of taste/smell. 

All in all, we spent about 3-4 weeks quarantining as a family. 

At first I was crushed by the idea of having to go into quarantine after finally being able to enjoy social activities after a long 18 months of the pandemic.

However, I reflected on these feelings and realized that we could get through it because we have had those 18 months and two lockdowns. I knew what we needed to do to get through the isolation. And this time, we had our whole family together. 

We made a daily schedule, rested when we needed to, and took some time to clean and tidy in the home as well. After we all started to feel better, we did go out to quiet, isolated beaches to enjoy the sun and nature. 

So we did get through our quarantine and even enjoyed it. How lucky we are to have been able to do it as a family, and neither of the parents had to worry about the time taken off work, because I work at home almost completely now, and my husband is home on disability/workers compensation. 

And after we were all cleared, we had a belated birthday dinner at one of my favorite buffets, and I ate so much I looked pregnant! 

While this wasn't the best experience, I'm grateful to have had it because it taught us so much. Even though we had mild cases (thanks to being healthy, and being vaccinated) I could still feel that this was NOT just a cold or flu. The flu has knocked me off my feet before, but this felt bad in a different way from the flu. When I had COVID, my chest felt tight, and like there was something heavy on it. I felt weirdly fatigued and weak. So weak that at one point lifting a mattress, something I do on an almost daily basis, was impossible. The mattress did not move an inch, no matter how much I tried. My husband lost his sense of taste and smell. He says a mild onset of COVID felt similar physically to having severe pneumonia. 

Because of our personal experience as well as the experience of close friends with COVID(Delta variant) I know how important it is to be vaccinated. And how important it is to be going outside, getting exercise, eating healthy food, and taking care of your mind and body. Neither one is more important or effective than the other, in my opinion. So yes, get the vitamin D, drink lots of water and exercise daily...but also get vaccinated. It would have been a very different story I write today if we were not vaccinated. 

Wrapping up 2020 with positivity

 2020 is going to be a year that began with and ended with coronavirus. 

Walking outside without a mask, seeing friends, having music jams in the park, going to karaoke, all seem like things of another era. 

A lot of people lost their lives to this virus, and still more lost their livelihood and way of life as businesses and schools closed, income dried up, and all they could do was stay at home and grapple with the pandemic stress with no foreseeable light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel. 

I started out optimistic, even as I saw others start to crumble, I tried to stay resilient, using what resources I did have creatively to make the best of a rapidly declining situation. 

However, pandemic stress and the feeling of helplessness from wanting to do so many things, but needing to put the needs of others first gradually took its toll. I tried my best to stave off a C-PTSD flare up and was able to for several months, but after about 6 months I unfortunately did have an intense relapse. However even with flare ups and relapses, I now have a whole array of tools and strategies to manage, and I quickly thought of a plan to incorporate more meditation, and use a few seratonin-increasing supplements.  I also contacted our family physician to let him know the situation, and he advised me to stay on the course I was on, but if needed he would refer me to a psychiatrist and help me to get a prescription as well. A different physician also advised me on how I could get a 329 card for medical marijuana, as cannabis has amazing benefits for anxiety and PTSD.  Anyway, after a few short weeks of using the more natural methods within my reach, I felt a lot better and was able to regroup and refocus on my goals. 

The pandemic has given a lot of us a gift of more time to slow down and stay at home. Because of that, I have been able to really reorganize and optimize my home so my family and I and the roommates we are able to welcome are able to enjoy it more. This year, both our shower and breaker panel needed total refurbishment which was an expense I hadn't planned for and wasn't excited about, but because of that I took the steps to refinance our mortgage to get a lower rate, consolidate some other debts, and streamline and optimize our finances as well. 

Our libraries may be closed, but anyone with a library card can still access a wealth of information using the online resources, including various certification courses which I've been enjoying. Of course, watching interesting TV shows like Euphoria, Black Mirror, Impractical Jokers Dinner Party, and the new episodes of Archer and Superstore have been enjoyable and offered some laughs and escapes, but learning more about Microsoft Office, Social Media Managing, and Cryptocurrencies might actually serve more of a purpose in the professional world going forward. I mean, it's easy to get comfortable in a job, especially when it's a job I enjoy, but things always change and I am always happy when there's an opportunity to move forward and upward! If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would go from barely above minimum wage working as basically the one day neighbor island trip equivalent version of a Walmart greeter, to overnight shifts at a call center that usually only hires native Japanese speakers earning almost double the wages, I wouldn't have believed them! But now that I know it's possible for me to climb that ladder, I feel like there are a lot of other possibilities out there. So while I would be content to work at both of my current jobs until I'm a senior citizen, it's exciting to imagine what could be, and to never stop growing and seeking it out.

Even so, my online job search back in the spring led me to dead end after dead end and it was discouraging. The online work from home hiring pool was oversaturated and continues to be steadily crowded now in this new era. And the one section of the market that I did get various offers from, which is the Chinese ESL online tutor business sector, dried up due to my Internet speed being too low so I shelved that while I tried to find other solutions. However, since my main call center job has been work from home for over 6 months and is continuing in that way for the forseeable future, I realized my internet bill is now a work expense. So I made the decision to change our Internet provider to get a faster connection that would support my daughter's e-learning, future roommate's remote school and work, and for me, teaching online. 

And our roommate finished her year abroad and went back to her home in China in October, which made our already socially isolated life just a little more lonelier, but luckily another friend of ours was planning to stay in Hawaii for a few months, so after they did their pre-tests and their quarantine in a private residence, they moved into our spare room. I have a companion to share wine and conversation face to face with, and Chinami has a girl around her age to share ideas and fun with. This year has been so hard on her, and seeing her light up again has made me feel so much relief. 

So what does 2021 hold? New knowledge, new jobs, new friends, and this crazy new pandemic lifestyle. I'm ready for it! 

COVID-19 part...??

I think when the pandemic emerged, a lot of us were in denial, myself included. "It's just a flu" "Oh, we'll lockdown for a bit then go back to normal, that massive Cinco de Memorial Independence Labor Day weekend party is gonna be lit!"

It's now mid-September and life as we know it has changed so very much in the past few months.

As we headed into June, our curve was flattened and people were looking forward to starting up tourism, and with it, most of our economy again. In July, it seemed like that light at the end of tunnel was so bright and close as we learned to social distance, wear our masks, and slowly resume our lives while keeping the pandemic in the back of our minds. Chinami wasn't able to have a birthday party, but we had a whole week where we surprised her every day with something special, and she was able to attend a social distanced Summer Fun program in the park the whole month of July as well. 

And then in August, as we looked forward to school starting with a hybrid schedule and the same social distancing measures that had been successfully implemented in the Summer Fun program, cases spiked and we went into a second lockdown which is currently projected to continue through October.  Non essential businesses, parks and beaches all closed down and school started via Zoom classes and Google classrooms. Chinami and her classmates and teachers have been really doing a great job with this new style of learning.  

Unemployment has hit more and more snags and it's been difficult to get benefits due to their lack of staffing (aka our leaders lack of preparation). Yasushi's restaurant is still busy, they have had to go back to bare-bones staff due to dine in having been restricted again, but all of the delivery apps have been bringing plenty of to go business. Even then, we are still grateful for every week that goes by with the restaurant still in business. 

I find myself struggling with being bored, while trying to remain strong and positive for the sake of my family. I try to keep myself out of the void of endless mindless scrolling and political/COVID bullshit, and try to focus my energy towards getting myself to exercise more, sew more, draw more, cook more, and just do more analog things in general. My hope is that my kids will see me enjoying simple, labor intensive, productive activities and follow suit...and for the most part it has been working that way. They always want to take my workout stuff, they love to draw and sew with me, and we have been enjoying some interesting meals lately as well. We did bon dance/natsumatsuris every Saturday in our living room from June-August, and after the summer season ended, we've been learning about a different country every Saturday through cuisine and language/culture videos on Youtube. 

I have found myself thinking about the remainder of 2020 and beyond. Our roommate leaves in October and finding a new one is going to be challenging. Halloween is definitely going to be a different experience this year. Maybe it's time to focus more on the "scary" aspect and have some haunted house fun at home. Watch a scary movie, etc. Thanksgiving will probably be pretty lonely with just 4 of us, and Christmas is going to take a little effort to conjure up all the cheer and joy with the harsh economic realities, the cancellation of all of the parades and city lights/santa events, but somehow we will make the best of it. 

It's really the only thing we can all do, just get through this with an open mind looking for ways to enjoy what we can during these times. 

COVID-19 part 2

A whole month has passed since the official stay at home/shelter in place orders, and it seemed to go by pretty quickly. Having a daily and weekly schedule to follow, and keeping busy with studies, exercise, and fun activities has really helped us stay healthy and strong through this difficult time. 

Here is what we generally do daily:

7am-10am Relax, eat breakfast (the kids...I do 16:8 5 days/week so I usually just drink water and coffee or tea) do some quiet activities such as reading, writing, drawing, yoga, etc. 

10am- Play, get ready for the day, etc 

11am- Go outside for a walk and to pick up lunch from the local school

12- Eat lunch, watch Bill Nye or other educational show

1-3 Homeschool study

3 small snack/tea time 

3:30-5:30 music/exercise/video games

5:30 Shower

6-7 Eat dinner, watch anime

7-8 Get ready for bed, relax in bed with books 

8 lights out! 

Sunday is Yasushi's day off so we generally run an errand or two if needed, go to the beach or the park for outdoor time and exercise, and eat a good meal or two.

Monday is #MaskMonday and #MusicMonday, we sew masks in the morning and have a jam session in the afternoon.

Tuesday is #TacoTuesday of course, and we also do a T-25 video for exercise.

Wednesday is Yasushi's day off so same as Sunday. Since my hours at work got cut, I don't work on this day anymore, so 

Thursday is the day I go into work and bring the kids, so from 10-2 they listen to Japanese radio, read, play quietly, eat lunch/snacks and write/color. We do more T-25

Friday is #FitnessFriday and #FridayFeeling!! Chinami usually has two different Zoom classes on this day which she loves. We also try to enjoy something fun, like dancing on this day. And I take a break from fasting from Friday night thru Saturday as well, so I usually have a drink, eat some snacks and relax at night. 

Saturday is #StayathomeSaturday and also a day where we try to do a little more Japanese focus in Chinami's studies. We have a couple Zoom Japanese classes with our local friends, and we try to do something at home that we would usually go out to do, like making our bedroom into a movie theater, or a karaoke box. 

I have been mostly focusing on my time with the kids, however, I have also been applying for jobs left and right, signing up on countless freelancer databases, with most of them leading to dead ends. However I still believe that I will find something that is right for me and my family, and so I am not giving up. Luckily, the unemployment I filed for, and the extra CARES act benefit, finally went through after over a month of waiting for a status update, and for at least the next few months, I will be receiving over twice my previous income, and since I've been organizing and checking up on our finances over the past couple of months, it looks like 2020 is going to be a good year for us after all despite the hurdles life has thrown at us. After the pandemic is over, I definitely look forward to planning more trips to see our families in Japan and maybe even Pennsylvania again over the next few years!