The next step....

Taking Sam-E has been so beneficial for managing my C-PTSD. In the last few months, I have had more "good" days, and virtually no major panic episodes. Even in the worst-case scenario, which for me is within a few days before my period comes, if I have an argument or some kind of trigger, it can bring on a full on panic attack and depressive episode.......however even in that situation, I managed to escape with only half a day of feeling depressed.
Now that I am managing well in this area, I feel like I want to tackle another lingering injury from my past. Since I was a small child, I had always had nervous habits of biting my nails and picking the skin around my nails and sometimes even moles on my arms, and then when I hit puberty, pimples on my face. I was scolded, shamed, ridiculed for these habits and how ugly my hands and skin looked. I was terribly self-conscious of it (yet another blow to my already low self esteem) and I remembered I had used my own money to buy icky tasting nail polish, nail files to carry with me, etc. My mother eventually started taking me with her to get gel manicures and would marvel at how great my nails looked. However, the root of the problem was never discussed, and gel nails are impractical for a 13 year old, especially as using computers for schoolwork was becoming the norm.
The only time I had truly stopped biting my nails was when I went to Westminster Choir College for a summer camp in high school and spent almost 2 weeks learning a requiem, doing exercise and yoga, playing video games with some of my best friends, and meeting lots of new friends. However, with the onset of other symptoms in my late teens and early 20's, I fell back into the habit.
I still bite, pick, squeeze, etc. Not so much out of nervousness (even though anxiety is likely the root cause) but as I have read, it is an impulsive behavior and people with the problem will do it when they are idle or bored, and there is a reward system within the brain that drives them to do it. There are some similarities to OCD in how the brain is operating when people who have this habit do it, so like C-PTSD, while cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, etc. can help, supplements can also help. I'm going to try another supplement and see if it will calm down, because my skin and hands still do embarrass me when I have to be in a professional environment. Beating this will be the next step in my recovery.

Mother's Day...

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, a day to celebrate beautiful, loving mothers and all the hard work they do for their children by guiding and supporting them.
I became a mother almost three years ago, and up until then I had wanted children, but was increasingly afraid to have them because of my worsening C-PTSD. A mentally ill mother should not be raising children, and if I managed to attempt suicide again and be successful what would that do to them?
 However, they say all things happen for a reason, and timing of my pregnancy coincided perfectly with the start of our new lives in Hawaii, and so it was the perfect time in my life to really reflect and turn it around. My own mother made it clear that she was incapable of showing basic empathy for my mental health struggles, and respect for aspects of my lifestyle (and later, parenting) that she didn't agree with, so she is not in our lives anymore. I would be fine keeping low contact with her if she simply showed me empathy, respect, and remorse for her actions..but part of my healing is letting go of false hopes.

So I will be spending Mother's day with my daughter this year, appreciating her for making me a Mother and appreciating the support I have around me to be the best mother I can!!


Links + Resources:


http://www.mommyish.com/2014/05/07/estranged-adult-children-mothers-day/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201505/mothers-day-those-raised-narcissistic-parents

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/2008/05/if-youre-unhappy-reject-your-parents/


http://jezebel.com/a-toast-to-all-the-brave-kids-who-broke-up-with-their-t-1702954639?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-mothers-day-taboo-when-mama-aint-so-great/