2012年11月20日火曜日

Thanksgiving - Reconnecting with family

Thanksgiving is coming up soon, and I have a lot to be thankful for this year.
I had a healthy pregnancy and gave birth naturally to my beautiful daughter Chinami. 
I was able to come back to Hawaii and reconnect with a lot of friends and make many new ones as well. 
And most of all, I feel thankful that I have a loving family who cares about me. 
...
No, not them. 
...
When I was with my "parents" for last Thanksgiving, I also saw the other part of my family, whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years. It was the part of the family that wasn't related to my "mother"; my paternal grandparents, my aunt, uncle, and three cousins.
Since we lived abroad when I was a child I almost never got to see them, and when we moved back to America I saw them from time to time, as they lived in the same small town as we did.

My grandmother would take me to high school football games, along with my aunt and cousin who was just a baby then. I was in middle school at the time and would be going to that high school in the following years, and it was the same high school my "father" and his siblings went to, and the same school my oldest cousin is going to now. She enjoyed sharing this legacy and history with me. She would also take me to the museum, carnivals, the mall, church (not to force me, but because I enjoyed playing with the other children and singing in Sunday School) and I would stay over her house sometimes. 

My grandfather was one of the original computer nerds, and taught me a lot about computers (in those days, we still used 5-inch floppy disks and Windows 3.1, and MS-DOS) He had also served in the military and was stationed in Japan, and gave me some of his old mementos when I started to become interested in Japanese culture.

Years later, my aunt found me on Facebook and I saw that I now had 2 more cousins, and my oldest cousin was starting high school. My aunt and uncle would message me, and I was unsure how to handle it after all those years. 

The reason I was unsure was because of all the things my "mother" would tell me about them. She accused them of using her for her money, she ridiculed them and called them horrible, degrading names in front of me (things I will not write here as I do not want to hurt their feelings,) and basically convinced me that they were some kind of malignant, abnormal people. When I told them I wanted to go visit my family, I was warned not to. I'm glad I followed my heart, and did the right thing.

After my "parents" left to spend Christmas and New Year's in the Caribbean and left us to house-sit (despite the fact that it was the first holidays we could spend together in over five years) Yasushi and I went over to have lunch with my family. I made some cupcakes and brought them over, and they had cold-cut trays and lots of yummy desserts, and spent the day asking us questions, talking with us, and making us feel welcome. We played games with my cousins, I helped my aunt with her computer, and we all had a great time. My husband commented that they seemed like a normal, Christian family, and were very kind-hearted, and I agreed.

Now that I have looked into my past, I can now fully appreciate how normal they are. No one launched into loud, rambling stories and demanded that you listen to them no matter how long they kept talking, no one lectured us on how our choices, hobbies, and lifestyle were wrong and tried to force us into something else, no one called us degrading names, and they would listen to us. The three children seemed comfortable and happy, no one was screamed at, insulted, or invalidated.

I can remember now that my grandparents were the only ones who validated my feelings when I was in middle school. They always listened to me, remembered things about me, showed me they cared about who I was, and never tried to force me to do something I didn't want to do, or be someone I wasn't. That was the thing I needed most at that fragile point in my development, and something I was not getting at home.

And even now, the way they treat me and Yasushi really shows how much they care. When they found out I was pregnant, they asked me how I was, and that they wanted to send me something for the baby. When I told them I didn't need much, and would appreciate if they would just send me any used items or hand-me-downs, they sent me precious family heirlooms that were used by my grandparents, their children's baby blankets, hand-sewn items that were passed down in the family, and a used breast pump, because they knew I was breastfeeding. Most importantly, there was no Facebook announcement about how THEY were becoming great-grandparents/aunts/uncles, no posts with pictures of the things they bought for THEIR grand-baby, there was no waving money around in a big fanfare that was still centered around themselves. It was just pure sentiments and love.

I am very glad I reconnected with all of them, and my husband was able to meet them before we moved to Hawaii. But also, I am very sad at all the years lost between us, and how far apart we are now. But as long as they are in Pennsylvania, I can say that I may think of going back to see my family some day.


もうすぐ感謝祭です。今年は感謝するべきがいっぱいあります。
無事に、自然に妊娠、出産して、今素敵な娘のちなみに恵まれています。
ハワイに戻ることができて、友達に会ったり、新しい友達に出会ったりすることもできました。
そして何よりも、素敵な家族に愛されてることに感謝しています。
。。。
違う。彼奴じゃないですよ。
。。。
去年の感謝祭にリョウシンのところでサンクスギビングしてた時、何年ぶりにもう一つの家族に会う事ができました。「母」系ではない家族。父系の祖父母、おじさん、おばさん、といとこ3人です。

小さい時私は海外に住んでたためあまり会えなくて、アメリカに戻ってからは同じ町に住んでたので時々会いました。

お祖母さんはおばさんと赤ちゃん(私のいとこ)と私を高校のアメフト試合に連れて行ってくれました。その頃私はまだ中学生だったけど、高校に行った時はその学校だったし、私のオトウさんも兄弟も行ったし、そして今はいとこもそこに行っています。お祖母さんはこの歴史を私と一緒に楽しむのが楽しかったでしょう。アメフトの他に、博物館、祭り、商店街、教会(強制ではなくて、私は好きで一緒に行っていました)など色んな所に連れて行ってくれました。そしてお祖母さん家でお泊まりすることもありました。

お祖父さんは昔からのパソコンオタクで、パソコンのことを私にいっぱい教えてくれました。(その頃はまだ5インチのフロッピーやウィンドウズ3.1やMS-DOSなどのじだいでした。)そして私は日本に興味を持ち始めたら軍隊で日本にいた時からのお宝ものなどいっぱいくれました。

何年後、おばさんはフェスブックで私とつながりました。そして、私のいとこが2人も増えて、赤ちゃんだったいとこが高校1年生だとわかってビックリしました。おばさんとおじさんは私にメッセージもしてくれましたけど、10年以上連絡しなかった私が複雑な気持ちでした。

その複雑な気持ちの訳はオカアさんに言われた事です。お金を狙ってるとか、色んな酷い話を私にしてました。オカアさんが言ったことによると、その家族は悪い、優しさがない人たちでした。私が久しぶりに会ってみたいと言い出したら、やめた方がいいと言われました。私は自分の心を信じて、会ったのが正解でした。

リョウシンが5年以上ぶりに一緒にいられるクリスマス・お正月にかかわらず二人で私と旦那をおいてカリブの別荘に遊びに行ってから、私達は予定を会わせて、家族の家に行ってみました。私はお菓子を作って持って行って、家族は皆集まってサンドウィッチのパーティートレーや手作りお菓子いっぱいテーブルに並べて、何時間私とやすしにお話して、私たちの話を親切に聞いてくれて、自分の家と心を私達に開いてくれました。いとこと一緒にゲームしたり、おばさんのパソコンの問題を直してみたり、家族らしく、素敵な時間を過ごしました。旦那はクリスチャンでも、リョウシンと違って、普通の心の優しい家族だと言って、私もそう思ってました。

そして今自分の家族の関係を振り返ってみてからはその「普通な家族」というの本当に分かってきた気がします。ずっとでっかい声をだして自分中心の話ばかり聞かせることはなくて、自分の選んだ道や趣味が間違ってるように言われることもなくて、酷い傷つくような言葉を言われることもなかったです。私たちが話してた時はちゃんと聞いてくれました。子供もバカにされたり、脅されたりすることもなく、普通に幸せそうにしてました。

今思い出してみると、中学生の頃に私の気持ちを解ろうとするのはお祖父さんとお祖母さんだけでした。いつも聞いてくれて、私の趣味や性格について色んなことを覚えていたり、自分の趣味などを私に無理矢理押し付ける事もなかったです。これが私は家でしてもらえなかった、この大変な成長期に一番必要なことだったんでしょう。

そして今でも対応から家族の愛が感じられます。私が妊娠を教えたら、私の具合を聞いて、赤ちゃんのために何をプレゼントすればいいかと訪ねてくれました。そして私はそんな赤ちゃん用品は必要ない、もし何か送るのであれば中古なものでいいと言ったら、祖父母も皆が自分が赤ちゃんの時に使ってた大事な宝物いっぱい送ってくれました。手作りのベビーブランケットなどまでありました。そして私が完全母乳だと覚えててくれて、友達の中古の搾乳機もくれました。それよりも、フェスブックで自分がお祖父さん、お祖母さんになるとか、自分のひ孫のためにどんな素敵な物を買ってると写真を載せたりすることなく、自分中心でお金を振る舞うこともなく、ただの家族愛をみせてくれただけです。

皆にまた会えて、ハワイに行く前にやすしも会えてよかったです。しかし一緒にいられなかった何年間と、今遠く離れてることが悲しいです。でもいつかペンシルバニアに家族に会いに行くとまだいえます。








2012年11月5日月曜日

Another email...more drama...


The tweet:

The email from "Father":
I would never wish you and your family anything but extreme happiness, health and success, never!  I am shocked and extremely hurt that you would publicly wish harm or death on us. I do not believe that Yasushi would share your wish of death on us. I will never forget this, it is inexcusable. I have certainly failed as a father to have his daughter wish for his demise. I have been sick since one of your friends brought this tweet to our attention. Make sure to let beautiful Chinami know that her grandparents love her and want to be a part of her life. Do the things that grandparents do, give her unconditional love and support but her mother would rather not have her know her family. Your choice not ours.

My response:
Stop being overdramatic. I never wished death on anyone. Just hoping that karma gets you back, which it will. I don't remember you ever volunteering anything to help the victims of Luis, Katrina, the Japan tsunami, the Haiti earthquake, etc. Just taking videos, worrying about yourself, and offering opinions on how it could have been avoided.
Yasushi felt that the tweet was a bit too much, but he feels the same way as I do in terms of wishing we could have a normal family, with grandparents for our children, but that cannot happen until you come to terms with what you've done and take steps to correct it.
Wait, you wished me extreme happiness, health and success, and gave me unconditional love and support?
More like: you had a daughter with real problems like depression, outward signs of being abused, yet you handled it by calling her names, and invalidating her feelings, hopes, and dreams.
10 years later when she finally stands up for herself, you both deny everything happened and call her a liar, and then contradict yourself by trying to justify your actions as well-deserved discipline, as if children actually deserve to be abused! You even go on to say that her depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts were her own fault, expressing no empathy whatsoever!
And let's not forget that just recently "Mother" threatened to sue me and my family for "every last dime" knowing full well that we both worked full time 6 days a week in Japan to save up for a house someday, and are now living paycheck to paycheck on a single income with a newborn.  She also stated she is happy we are far away and she will never see us or any offspring we might have ever. I will let Chinami know about that when she is old enough, thank you.
You and "Mother" are the ones who have made the choice not to act like loving family and acknowledge the deep effect your verbal abuse has had on me, apologize, and seek therapy so you do not do the same thing to your grandchildren. "Mother" has made the choice to write me off as "sick and twisted"  when she is the one who is emotionally unstable and needs to seek help if she wants to be part of my family. She also needs to worry about her own daughter's feelings and well-being instead of worrying about what her "friends" on Facebook might think.
Yasushi and I made the choice for Chinami's safety and well-being. Judging by the way you attempt to lie and gaslight in this email, we have made the right choice.

2012年11月3日土曜日

Earthquakes, Tsunamis, and Superstorms?!?

Superstorm Sandy has wreaked havoc on the East Coast and the images I've seen are devastating. For me, Sandy is yet another natural disaster hitting one of the places I have called "home."

スーパーハリケーン「サンディー」でアメリカの東海岸は酷く被害しています。私が写真を見て驚きました。私にとってサンディーは、また私のふるさとの一つを壊した嵐です。

When I was 9, a category 4 hurricane hit the island I lived on at the time. The house we were in was strong and we were very lucky to escape the total devastation that spread across the rest of the island. We also had plenty of water and food to take us through the weeks without power. My parents and their friends drove around the day after the storm and took video. My "mother" and I returned to the US soon after until conditions got better there. 

私が9才の時に、カテゴリー4のハリケーンが私の住んでたところに来ました。私たちは運よく強い家に住んでたため被害はなかったんです。そして水や食べ物がいっぱいあったので何週間の停電も乗り越えました。ハリケーンが去った翌日、両親と友達はカメラを持って島を観光気分でめぐってビデオを取りました。それから私と母が状況がよくなるまでアメリカに戻りました。

Then last year, on March 11th, I experienced the Kanto-Tohoku earthquake that generated a tsunami big enough to wipe out entire towns, change coastlines, and cripple a nuclear plant. My parents called me every day trying to convince me to leave, but my husband and I could not fathom leaving our home in a time of crisis. We stayed and donated money, did fundraising, and when fall came, we donated our warm winter clothes and electric blankets to the temporary residences. 

そして去年3月11日に東北大震災があって、町が丸ごとなくなったり、海岸の形がかわったり、そして原発まで壊れたりするほとの大津波がきました。両親は毎日電話して私にアメリカに帰るように説得はしてたが、私とやすしはこんな非常実態になってる私たちのふるさとを簡単に去って行くことはできなかったんです。日本にいて、寄付したり、募金集めしたり、そして秋が来たら私たちの冬服や電気毛布などを仮設住宅に送りました。

And here in Oahu, I have experienced both an earthquake that resulted in over 12 hours without electricity on most of the island, and just last Saturday, a tsunami warning that was serious enough to shut down most of Waikiki and send people in my neighborhood to higher ground. 

そしてオアフ島で12時期間の停電を起こした地震と、この前の土曜日に、ワイキキと私の住んでる町の人が避難したほどの津波警報がでました。

In all these situations, one thing I have learned is not to think that it "won't happen to me," and to always have enough supplies for an emergency. 

こんな状況を経験した上、私が学んだことは、「私たちにこない」と考え込まないことと、非常用品を必ず持つことです。

In America it's not as much of an issue because many people buy in bulk to save money, and canned goods are a normal thing to have in one's pantry. (However, sometimes people forget to periodically check their cabinets and use things before the expiration date and replace them, so a bit of maintenance is required for this) People usually have some kind of grill for their summer barbecues that come in handy during a power outage too. 

アメリカでは、一般の人は節約するために日常の生活用品を大量にまとめ買いします。そして缶詰の食べ物も一般のキッチンに入っています。(しかし何年チェックしないで賞味期限切れてそのまま持ってる人もいます)そして一般の人はバーベキューが好きでグリルを持ってて、停電の時に役に立ちます。

In Japan, space is limited so many people do not store extra toilet paper, canned/dried food, bottled water, etc. in their house, which led to the panic buying situation in spring of 2011. With Tokyo residents already experiencing one crisis in the past year, and scientists constantly saying how Tokyo is overdue for their big earthquake, it is more important than ever to be prepared.

日本では部屋が狭いので一般の人はトイレットペーパー、缶詰、ボトルの水、などを余裕に持たないので、2011の震災後パニック買いだめしました。東京の人は去年震災があって、これからまた大震災が来る可能性は高いと言われていますので、準備することが凄く大事です!

In your house, you should have at least 2-3 days worth of basic supplies, such as canned/dried food and water, toilet paper and wet wipes, and other essentials such as some extra blankets, a portable gas stove or a grill, and a battery/manual powered flashlight and radio. 
It's also good to prepare an emergency bag in case you have to evacuate. In one bag, you should put (for 1 person)
2 liters of water
a bag of biscuits, a bag of hard candy, and some canned or instant food
2 packs of wet wipes
1 blanket
1 battery/manual powered flashlight and radio
1 pocket knife
 1 or 2 changes of clothes
a small amount of cash and photocopies of ID and other important documents. 
Having a bag already set up will make any evacuation easier and give you more time to gather precious items and your every day items with less panic.

自分の家に2−3日分のインスタント食品、トイレットペーパー、ウェットティッシュなどの日常用品と、毛布、ガスコンロ、電灯とラジオなどを準備した方がいいです。
あと避難しなきゃいけない場合の非常用持出袋を用意した方がいいです。一人のバッグにこういうもの入れるといいです。
水2L
あめ1袋、カンパンかビスケット一袋、インスタント食品など
ウェットティッシュ2パック
毛布1枚
電灯/ラジオ
ナイフ
着替え1−2枚
現金(小銭)とIDや大事な書類のコピー

こういうバッグを用意しておくと、避難する場合は少しでも焦らないで貴重品などももっていけるのかもしれないんですね。

Also, as if there weren't enough good reasons to breastfeed, when we evacuated because of the tsunami warning, I didn't have to worry about bottles or formula or anything, I just put a pack of diapers and wipes in the car. In America, there are many mothers who don't breastfeed because of some social stigma, because formula companies tell them things like it's more convenient, and hospitals push formula on newborns. Even in Japan, more and more mothers are supplementing with formula and decreasing their own supply. 
It would be so much better if more mothers breastfed and wet-nursed in times of crisis instead of turning to formula (which is actually more dangerous than wet-nursing because of lack of clean water and facilities to properly sanitize bottles in times of disaster.)

完全母乳にするのは健康の面や色々理由がいくつもあるんですけど、私たちは津波警報で避難した時、私は粉ミルクやボトルの心配一切しないで済みました。オムツと毛布だけ車に入れました。アメリカでは社会的烙印や、粉ミルクの会社の干渉など色んな理由で母乳育ちをしません。最近日本でも母乳でたりないと思い込んで粉ミルクを使うお母さんが増えています。特にこういう非常実態なら、清潔な水やボトルなどが必要な粉ミルクより母乳を飲ませたらいいと思います。

With it getting colder I hope everyone in the areas ravaged by Sandy are keeping warm by bundling up and drinking warm drinks whenever possible. When I was in Japan, we only had a small gas heater in the living room, and I wore thick padded room jackets inside and usually had some hot water in the kitchen for tea (and a thermos for when I went outside). When my parents came to visit me in Japan my "mother" relentlessly complained about how cold our apartment was, so I wonder how they are dealing with their power and heat being off for over 3 days now.

今段々寒くなって来てるでしょうが、Sandyの被災地で皆さんちゃんと暖かい格好をして暖かい飲み物いっぱい飲んで寒さを耐えてるかな。私は日本に住んでた時リビングに小さいヒーターしかなかったため私はルームコート着て、よくお茶を飲んでました。でも両親が日本の部屋に来た時母が寒いとずっと愚痴言ってた。。3日以上の停電どう耐えてるのかな。。。

Anyway, my thoughts are with all the victims. I will do what I can to help from here in Hawaii.