Why I chose a homebirth. 私はどうして家庭出産を選んだか。

If you watch any mainstream American TV show, whether it be a sitcom, drama, or reality show, most likely any birth scene will be a terrifying, painful event to watch with women being rushed down halls on wheelchairs or stretchers, screaming in pain while laying on their backs and being told to push. 

Also, birthing in a hospital with doctors in attendance and all sorts of chemicals to make labor more timely and less painful is considered "normal" here. C-sections, necessary or elective, are rising. This is a fact. It's also a fact that the infant mortality rate in the US is higher than most other developed countries as well. 

I lived in Japan for a while, and natural birth is still favored by most, but "painless" American-style birth and unnecessary induction to fit around your doctor's golf schedule (or to prevent the baby from becoming "too big") is becoming more and more common there as well. 

I used to think that the medicalized and "modern" American way was the best way, and that natural birth was outdated and old-fashioned. However as I grew older I found more and more reasons to doubt the American medical industry, and the Japanese one as well. 

And when I got pregnant, of course I did get all the available tests to make sure I had a healthy baby. But after the tests results came back, something dawned on me. The baby and I were perfectly healthy. I had no known risk factors for disease or complications, genetic or otherwise. I practiced yoga for stress relief and exercise, and ate a healthy diet with plenty of vegetables and whole-grains, low in processed high-fat or high-sugar foods. Why in the world would I need to go to a hospital? 

I started to do some research about hospital births and all of the medical interventions in births today. I watched videos of homebirths, and watched the documentary "The Business of Being Born." The women in those videos weren't screaming in fear and agony, or being told to push. Rather, they were relaxed, prepared, and supported, and trusted their bodies to tell them when to push. When the baby was born, there were no bright lights, no screaming, the baby was relaxed and brought into the world surrounded by love. 

When I moved to Hawaii, I searched for a midwife and a doula. I found a wonderful doula who is bilingual in Japanese and English, perfect for supporting my husband and I through all stages of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. My midwife is a naturopathic doctor, and between the two of them they have experienced hundreds of births. 

In the beginning I admit that I was a little apprehensive. I mean, I felt fine, but was everything really OK? I had grown up hearing so many people moan and groan and tell "horror stories" about pregnancy and birth. So many people have had this problem or that problem or this complication. I had a little nausea and fatigue during my first trimester which cleared up when I hit the second trimester, and absolutely none of the common "issues" that people talk about. My midwife and doula said that I was perfectly healthy and this is normal, like over 90% of women.

That's right, over 90% of pregnant women are capable of having a natural birth with no interventions, for one simple reason: Childbirth is something that is controlled by your body. Your body knows its limits, so unless it's a very rare case, you cannot make a baby too big to be birthed by your body, and your body will not cause more pain than you are capable of handling (also, the body produces natural endorphins and painkillers during labor.) A hospital is not a place for normal, healthy women and children to go. 

A hospital is very rarely a calm, quiet, peaceful environment. The lights are bright, the rooms are sterile, and you have loads of people rushing up and down the halls, in and out of rooms, and lots of shouting and stressful situations around you. Stress, fear, and uncertainty can make any experience unpleasant and scary. Fear and anxiety has also been proven to make labor longer. Also, those interventions that make labor less painful and faster, actually have the opposite effect when compared to a natural birth. Pitocin intensifies contractions, which intensifies the pain as well to the point where the body cannot naturally cope with it anymore, leading to an epidural. The epidural then numbs the whole area, which is why women have to be told when to push; they cannot feel the natural urge. Also, having shots to the spine and IVs hooked up to her force a woman to be on her back and immobile, instead of assuming more natural positions that make it easier for the baby to come out. And C-sections are very rarely necessary when things are allowed to progress naturally. C-sections are often used as a copout when labor is too long and doctor wants to finish for the day, or if the doctor finds a tiny complication that he doesn't have the experience to deal with And if they do a C-section, then they did "all they could" and it's a good way to avoid a lawsuit. 

After the baby is born, there is a slew of hospital procedures that are simply not good for mother and baby. Many hospitals clamp the cord almost immediately, stopping the flow of the precious blood to the baby. Recently mothers are encouraged to save the cord blood and bank it because of the minute possibility that it might help them or others fight a disease at some point later in life, but the baby needs the cord blood in their body. The lack of the cord blood leads to a chance of vitamin K deficiency, which means baby needs an injection. They also put drops in the baby's eyes, and bathe the baby to wash off the vernix and make him or her more "presentable" to mommy. However, simply leaving the vernix on the skin as long as possible nourishes and protects baby's skin against bacteria. Also, the baby finds mother's breasts by sense of smell--the amniotic fluid left on their body has the same scent as the breasts. In a homebirth, baby is simply placed on the mother's chest for as long as possible after being born. That is the most natural and best way for the baby to adjust to the outside world, by smelling and hearing the environment they were raised for 9 months in. But in a hospital, bonding time is short as the baby is soon moved to a separate room to cry for a few hours. 

I am not choosing a homebirth to go against the grain, to show everyone how "brave" I am, or because it is how people birthed for thousands of years and the old way is the best way. I also do not believe hospital births are all bad, depending on the woman's situation a hospital birth might be a better choice for her. There are situations where medical intervention is necessary. But a home birth is a very safe option for many women, who unfortunately are never told that. 

Maybe if people were able to choose between a homebirth or a hospital birth, and people took into consideration what other countries with lower infant mortality rates are doing, I wouldn't feel like I have to explain or justify my choice. But until homebirth becomes a normal, healthy option for normal, healthy pregnancies, there will have to be groups advocating it. 

For more information, beautiful stories and pictures visit BirthWithoutFear.com and BringBirthHome.com. An interesting note, a lot of people seem to choose homebirth after a hospital birth for 2nd and 3rd children, but not many people choose a hospital birth after a homebirth. Something to think about. 

大体どんなアメリカのテレビ番組を見ても、出産が恐ろしい、痛そうと思わされるシーンになるでしょう。女性が車いすかストレッチャーで慌てて叫びながら病院の部屋まで連れて行かれたり、仰向けになって赤ちゃんを出して、出してって周りから指導されてる。

そして、病院で先生と、出産が早くなって無痛にできる科学物を使ってするのが普通と思われます。必要や、選んだ帝王切開が増えてます。そして死産も増えてます。

私が何年日本に住んでました。日本では自然出産はまだ多いですが、アメリカ風の無痛出産や必要ない誘発（先生のゴルフのスケジュールに合わせるためや、赤ちゃんが大きくなりすぎないようにと言って）が増えてます。

私は昔、医学的で現代的なアメリカのやりかたが一番で、自然出産が古くさいと思い込んでました。しかし年を取ると、アメリカの医学や日本の医学を疑う理由がいくつも現れました。

そして私も妊娠した時、最初はもちろん赤ちゃんの健康を確認するために色んな検査をしました。でも検査の結果を聞いたら、ある考えが頭に浮かんだんです。私と赤ちゃんが完璧に健康だ。病気や難産になるリスクがほとんどないんです。ストレス発散にヨーガをやったり、歩いて運動したりして、脂肪分や糖分が多い食事殆どせず、野菜や穀物たくさんの健康的な食生活もしてました。どうして私って病院なんかに行かなきゃいけないの？

そして私はいろいろ病院や出産について調べました。家庭出産のビデオもみたり、The Business of Being Bornというドキューメンタリーも見ました。そのビデオで見た女性達は出産の時怖そう痛そうに狂って叫んだり、出してと言われたりしなかった。赤ちゃんが出てきたら眩しい電気、叫ぶ声などなく、赤ちゃんがリラックスしてて愛に包まれて世に出てきました。

ハワイに引っ越して、早速助産婦とドゥーラーを探しました。私と旦那二人をサポートしてくれる日本語と英語ができるドゥーラー

見つけました。そして助産婦は自然医学の先生です。二人合わせて出産の経験が何百件に及びます。

最初は少し不安でした。私は大丈夫だと思うけど、本当に大丈夫かな？って。小さい時から女性から妊娠や出産について文句や怖い話しか聞いた事がなかったです。この問題やあの問題やあの難産。自分の場合最初の３ヶ月位だけ少しつわりがあって、お腹が少し気持ち悪くなったり、疲れやすかったりしただけです。４ヶ月目からつわりなどつらいこと全くなくて、いつも聞いた問題なども一つも出なかったんです。助産婦とドゥーラーの話に寄ると、私が女性の９０％位と同じく、健康で普通の妊娠してますって。

そうです。女性の９０％以上は病院などに頼る事なく、自然に出産ができるそうです。理由は簡単です。出産は体がするものです。体は自分の限界がわかるので、本当に珍しいケース以外は大きすぎて出産できない赤ちゃんを作らないし、自分で耐えられないほどの痛みも作らないんです。（しかも自然のホルモンや成分で無痛効果もあります）普通に健康な女性と赤ちゃんは病院に行くべきじゃないと思います。

病院といえば、平和的で、静かな、落ち着いた環境ではないでしょう。電気が眩しくて、部屋は殺菌されて、いつでも廊下や部屋に色んな人が慌てて入ったり出たりしてて、叫び声も聞こえてストレスが高いところです。ストレス、恐怖と不安があればどんな経験でも不愉快で怖くなるはずです。そして医学で出産が無痛になったり早くなったりすることもないです。自然出産と比べたら反対の効果が見えます。ピトシンは陣痛を強めるんですけど、その痛みも体が耐えられないほど強めます。そして無痛注射が必要です。無痛注射すると、下半身が痺れまて、赤ちゃんをいつ出せるかもわからなくなります。そしてIVや注射してると女性もベッドの上で動かないで仰向けにならなければいけないんです。それは赤ちゃんを出すのに一番不自然な姿勢です。そして出産を自然に時間を掛けてすれば、帝王切開の必要は殆どないです。病院では、帝王切開をする時は出産が長くなって先生が家に帰りたいとか、少し問題があって先生が対応する能力が低いという場合が多いです。そして帝王切開が病院側でできる最終の手段で、訴えても強い言い訳になります。

赤ちゃんが出てきてからもお母さんと赤ちゃんにあまりよくない手順もあります。まずはへその緒をすぐに締めて、血の流れを止めます。へその緒の中の血はプラセンタから色んな栄養や酸素を赤ちゃんに運んでくれますので凄く大事な血です。最近はへその緒の血を大人になってから難病の治療に使えるという研究もあって、そのために高いお金払って保存するということもよく進められてますが、その血は赤ちゃんの体に一番必要です。そしてへその緒の血がないのでビタミンK不足になる可能性が高いので、注射します。目薬などもします。そして赤ちゃんをもっと可愛くするために、すぐ体を洗います。しかし肌には必要な保護物質がついてますのでしばらく洗わないほうがいいです。そして、胎内とおっぱいは同じ匂いがしてて、赤ちゃんがその匂いでおっぱいを探して飲み始めます。その必要な成分を洗い流すとおっぱいも探しにくいでしょう。家庭出産の場合、赤ちゃんがでたらすぐにお母さんの胸の所におかれて、しばらくそのまま赤ちゃんとお母さんの絆を作ります。それが赤ちゃんが外の世界になれるのに一番いい方法です。でも病院では赤ちゃんをお母さんの元から離して別の部屋で赤ちゃんがしばらく泣くのが普通です。

私が何かを反抗したいとか、格好付けたいとか、昔のやり方だから一番いいと思ってるから家庭出産を選んだ訳じゃありません。そして病院の出産は必ず悪い物だと思ってません。色んな状況によって病院出産の方が安全な時もあります。医学が必要な場合はあります。でも家庭出産も多くの女性には安全です。しかし多くの女性はそれがわからないんです。

もし、もっと自由に病院出産か家庭出産を選ぶ事ができて、死産の確率が低い他の国の人はどうしてるかを考える人がもっといれば、私はここまで説明する必要はないでしょう。でも普通で健康な妊娠に普通で健康な家庭出産が選べるようになるまでは、応援するグループもいなきゃいけないんです。

体験談や写真見たければBirthWithoutFear.comとBringBirthHome.comをご覧ください。そして参考に、多くの人は病院出産を経験してから二人目や三人目の時家庭出産を選んでますが、反対に家庭出産を経験して病院出産を選ぶ人が少ないんです。

edit: 9/12/12

The Business of Being Born link is dead. However you can watch this other documentary "Pregnant in America"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yEcYSMmJrw8

Thanks, but I'm OK. ありがとう。。でも私は大丈夫。

I have gotten a flood of messages and comments from my recent Youtube video about child abuse. So many people have told me that they are in similar situations. And I just want to ask, are you OK? Really?  Don't just try to hide it and pretend everything is OK.  If you have anxiety or depression, you need to at least tell someone. If you were abused as a child, you need to come to terms with it and not just shrug it off like I did for so many years. Covering it up NEVER does any good. And if you are around someone with anxiety and depression who ARE crying out for help in ways like self-injuring, substance abuse, suddenly becoming uncommunicative and reclusive, etc. remember that they are not just "looking for attention" or "being difficult". 

Some people are concerned when they hear that my parents abused me, and now I pretty much have no parents.  But for me it's a relief. I finally know what was wrong with me all these years, and my children will be safe. My father thinks its ridiculous that I would think they would abuse their grandchild, but doesn't really know for himself what the difference between appropriate discipline and abuse is, judging from the various emails to me in which he stated that I was in no way abused growing up…and then proceeded to "threaten" me that he would write his own blog about all the embarrassing, horrible things I did as a child! 

I realized how extremely two-faced my mother is. On Facebook, Twitter, etc how she would post these wonderful glowing things about me, but send private messages and post venomous, hateful comments and delete them after she got a reply. She seems to be really concerned with keeping this image that she is a glamorous person and a wonderful mother, and anything I say about being abused is just some kind of malicious, horrible lie because I am actually sick and twisted and have Asperger's. But as I said before, both here and in email, I do not have Asperger's, none of the symptoms apply to me at all, that is just something she is trying to make up to make me lose credibility. But the interesting thing is that according to my father, my mother has been abused and is also suffering from anxiety and depression as well, which would make her "sick" and a "wacko" just like me! But that doesn't fit with her "image" so of course she would hide it, to the extreme where she cannot even empathize with her own daughter going through the exact same things that she did. 

I have scars on my arm I can show you from when I cut myself, I have journal entries detailing word-for-word the things they would say to me, which are textbook examples of verbal abuse. I have the bracelet from my hospital stay, and I still have the suicide hotline number in my cell phone. Yet apparently I am sick and twisted and a liar, just out to "humiliate" my parents, according to them. 

One more time, just to make my point, I COULD HAVE DIED. And that's their response? (and after I called them on it, my father called it "heartbreaking". Too little, too late, I know your true feelings) 

So looking at all of this, I am actually happy to finally be truly free from them, and I'm happy I realized this in time to give my child(ren) the true love and respect from her mother, that I never had. I might not be a great mother, and I'll probably make lots of mistakes, but abuse will not be one of them. 

These are the last 3 entries from my livejournal, which I had set as private until now. 

12/23/11

The world according to my mother,compiled from my journal from 2002-2006 (before I really left for good) 
My mother said I have no personality, I'm a horrible spoilt brat who won't survive in the real world. Because I didn't like Jazz I was told I have bad taste in music, no ear, and no talent. Because I didn't follow fashion trends like the rest of the sheeple in my highschool I was a nut and deserved to have no friends. I only had 4 friends, and they were all stupid, assholes, morons with no talent who wouldn't amount to anything in the real world. I shouldn't be shopping frugally or working part-time jobs in my spare time because that's something poor people do, and I should just accept handouts from my mother into adulthood like my wonderful brother. I should jump up at every command, and I should also pick up after my brother and clean his room, because I have no social life and just sit on the computer all day watching stupid Japanese cartoons and listening to annoying Japanese music.Listening and watching things in a different language doesn't help someone actually learn the language. I took the wrong courses in highschool and was inept at picking courses in college. Whatever hobbies I had in highschool I cannot have after highschool.I will never survive in college because I cannot follow directions exactly like my mother says.I will never survive in the real world because I cannot clean or cook for myself. Yasushi will definitely leave me...even if we get married we will be divorced in a year because he will find out how rude, horrible, and immature I am.My mother is always right. Her screaming, yelling, and throwing tantrums is always justified and fixes everything. Her way of doing things is perfect, and she knows everything, even about things that she has no experience with like graduating highschool, going to college, or Japanese culture. 

2011: What I knew and found out along the way
I had many more than 4 friends in highschool, and they are all wonderful, diverse people that have all succeeded in making great lives for themselves.I treat people with the same respect they give me.I still love theatre...it is possible to still love something you loved in highschool.I have very diverse tastes in music and some singing talent. I get karaoke paid for, drinks bought because people want to hear me sing. People like my unique fashion sense and the way I stand out. I like my own clothes which is the most important.I have survived college. Despite having parents that couldn't adequately guide me I managed to graduate early for my major. My interest and willing to immerse myself in the Japanese language and culture proved to be a valuable asset to learning it. I met many people who shared my interests and had many friends in college. I have survived in the real world. I can hold down a job, cook, keep a house together, and do everything for myself, work for 6 years and have a savings of 100,000 by the time I'm 25.My brother who unlike myself has a "great personality" and isn't horrible or spoiled still isn't making a living at 30 years old and expects everything to be done for him. Yasushi and I will be celebrating our 4th marriage anniversary and 7th overall and are still going strong. He loves me. 
It hasn't been smooth sailing. Unfortunately, having a mother who believes she is always right, and screams, shouts, and blames everyone but herself when she feels challenged, AND enduring 16 years of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from her has left its mark. I often lack confidence, feel unsure of myself, and wrestled with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for the past 6 or 7 years. But now I am finally starting to heal. 
I can't understand why I had to be the scapegoat.My mother was a highschool dropout, but when I went to college it was all about how I could never make the "right" choices. 
I had a horrible personality, when really I was reacting to being abused. I was socially inept because I was on the computer writing this journal, communicating with my friends through instant messaging, and broadening my horizons by listening to Japanese music and finding resources to learn Japanese, instead of.............wait, that's right. The biggest landmarks within walking distance are a lake and a Wawa, and to go to work, socialize or do anything you need to drive a car. BUT when my mom finally realizes what a nowhere town this is (even though saying its name to others makes her feel classy) and spends all day on computer, iPad, or Kindle, updating Facebook and buying crap, it's fine for her to do it. 

2/13/12
A much-revisited subject....in the past 9 years I have been to Hawaii, Kobe, and Tokyo, and for some reason, maybe because I'm stupid, I keep going back home.
And the story repeats itself every time.
I enjoy myself for all of 2 seconds, and spend the rest of my time in this house pondering why the hell I am here.
It's even more perplexing because every time I prepare to leave I reflect on this, in this journal, and usually my writings prove to be timeless and true.
Such as my mother's excessive spending habits, the futility of the two of them living in a house that could comfortably shelter a family of 4 plus a roommate, in an area where the only way to thrive is to get the hell out.
And get the hell out they should. Because if my mother refuses to work a job and chooses to sit in the house all day on her computer or iPad or watching TV, the chances of dementia showing up a bit early just go up and up. If you don't use it, you lose it, basically. Walking around, volunteering at the blood bank or library if you can't, I mean, don't want to work...there are so many ways to stay healthy.
And I can't help but point out the irony while we're here--10 years ago, I was 15, no transportation, basically trapped in the house unless a friends parents were nice enough to pick me up, so I had no choice but to go on the computer and IM my friends, and pursue my then interests in Japanese videos and music. I was routinely insulted and ridiculed by my parents because I was "staying in the house" and "had no social life" when really, I had plenty of friends but no transportation, and I was making the best of a bad situation by exploring a different language and culture...something that would take me far, far away.
Whatever...mother's always right, mother knows best...right? Even when it's abuse. Hitting them out of your own anger and frustration when they're still too small to defend themselves, and when they get bigger insulting them on a daily basis, invalidating their feelings.......Kids never forget that stuff. I always brushed it off, tried to make like it didn't affect me......and promptly started showing symptoms of depression and anxiety disorders from age 19. Whenever people praised me I would wonder if there were strings attached, or worse, if they were mocking me like my parents always did. Yasushi and I are happily together for 7 years and married for 4, yet there were many times when I wondered if he would really leave me because I was such a horrible person, just like my parents said.
2/19/12
This is it; I'm breaking the cycle. I'm breaking free.
Why has it taken so long to realize what is best for myself?
Since I was 16, I would leave for a bit and go somewhere as far away as possible, and then have to come home for holidays. And every time I went out into the world I found that the world was a great place with many opportunities, and that I would always thrive much more on my own, out there, than when trapped in that house. I went farther away, for longer periods of time, and I changed, but everything here remained the same.
I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity get out, and to meet not only my wonderful husband, but also so many wonderful friends, teachers, counselors, coworkers, and bosses, from all parts of the country and world. They taught me that I am NOT a "jerk" or "miserable" or "nasty" nor do I have a "horrible personality" or "no personality at all" or "no common sense at all". They taught me how normal people act, and how to value and respect myself and others and have confidence in myself and my unique interests and talents. And thanks to them, I finally realized that I am beautiful on the inside and outside, and stopped supporting a multi-billion dollar industry that capitalizes on making people feel inadequate.
Outside of that house, I was never disrespected, insulted, mocked, or physically assaulted. I was treated like a human being and was able to observe how normal families treated each other, and how parents can teach and nurture their children with love, NOT anger, fear, and invalidation. Most people treat their children as individuals, and appreciate their unique interests and hobbies, and don't punish them for having them or force their own ideals onto them.
Sometimes I think it's nothing short of a miracle that I was able to succeed outside of that house, as I was often told that I "would never survive in the real world". And frankly, I'm surprised I did develop into a healthy person who works hard and earns a living. The only lessons I had been taught were that being lazy, materialistic and hedonistic would be rewarded, and that having an individual personality and interests that were different from my parents' just made me an outcast.
Really, sometimes I feel guilty for not being the "perfect daughter" that smiles and acts happy all the time no matter what she is feeling inside, no matter what insults are thrown at her. I'm sorry that I couldn't just mindlessly assimilate and adopt any interests and hobbies that were pushed on me, and HAD to have my own interests. It must have been so selfish of me to do things that I wanted to do.
Even so, it looks like I turned out OK. I must be really lucky....watching "childish" "stupid" Japanese "cartoons" and listening to "annoying" "unoriginal" Japanese music actually accelerated my progress in learning the language! And even though I have "no musical talent" I sang on TV, got to the 2nd round of a karaoke contest, performed at many benefits and parties, sang every day as part of my job, and generally had a really great time every time I sang. And all of those "moron" friends from high school that I "would never see again" are still great, supportive friends.
But the real miracle through all this my wonderful husband, who knows everything about me, and we have been together for 7 years (married for 4) and he has never told me I have a "horrible personality" or mocked me for crying, or asked if I needed to go to the "crazy hospital" when I had a panic attack. He saved my life when I tried to end it. And he helped create this new life inside of me. I love him so much. And I'm sorry for putting him through so much hardship, but at least now he understands that it wasn't my fault. 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ 

http://www.lightshouse.org/immature-or-aggressive-parents.html 

http://www.focusas.com/Abuse-Emotional.html 

http://eqi.org/eam1.htm 

http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-abuse/emotional-abuse.html 

http://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/article.asp?AID=648565 

http://www.ehow.com/info_8065936_signs-being-verbally-abused-parents.html 

Everyone, look around you. There are so many people out there that look normal and healthy, but they may have a personality disorder, or a psychological illness. There are so many children that don't have bruises or scratches, but are being abused. Those children might never overcome that abuse, and what will happen when they have children of their own? The cycle continues.
But this baby in my tummy deserves much better. Every child deserves a peaceful, positive, nurturing environment with truly open-minded people. A child deserves to be treated like a human being, with respect and love, and freedom to have their own interests and hobbies. They need rules and boundaries set for their safety, and realistic expectations backed up with confidence.
A child never needs to be terrorized into submission, and discipline should be logical and appropriate, not senseless, beating out of the parents' own inability to control their own anger and frustration. A child never deserves to be humiliated in public by being slapped in the face--the ultimate act of rejection and hate towards a person.
So that is why I am writing this, to break the cycle and start healing. It's the least I can do for my growing family. It's the least anyone who cares about their children can do. Any parent should understand, that it's not always about themselves and whatever "image" they have to the outside world. It's never too late to change.

Just a reflection. 

 

I am OK. I am more than OK. I am free my from toxic parents. And I am ready to close this chapter.  

最近の児童虐待についてのビデオに関してコメントやメッセージたくさん貰いました。同じ状況の人たくさんいます。その人たちに、大丈夫？本当に大丈夫なの？、と聞きたいんです。隠して大丈夫なふりをしないで。パニック障害やうつ病で苦しんでたら誰かに教えなきゃだめです。子供の頃から虐待されたら私みたいに何年も無視するのではなく、ちゃんと自分で理解をして受け止めなければいけないんです。隠すのは絶対よくないんです。そして周りにパニック障害やうつ病の人がいて、その人がもし自傷行為や、飲み過ぎやドラッグや、急に人と会わなくなったりして助けを求めるサインを示したらただかまって欲しいかわがまましてると思わないでください。

私が両親に虐待されて、そして今縁を切った状態だと聞いたら、心配する人もいますけど、私はすっきりしました。私はどうして何年間病気になってたかわかったし、子供を安全な環境で育てられます。父が孫までに虐待すると思うなんておかしいと言ってるけど、父がメールで両親が全然虐待してない、でもこれから自分で私が子供にどれだけバカで恥ずかしいことを書くぞ、と書いた自分がしつけと虐待と違いわからないみたいです。

母も凄く偽善的だとわかりました。ツィッターやフェイスブックなどで皆の見えるところに娘は素晴らしいなんて書きながら、私に向かってプライベートメッセージやコメントで酷い事を書いて、コメントに返事したら母は自分のコメントをすぐに消します。きっと母はいいお母さんのイメージをキープするのが第一なんでしょう。そして私が虐待というのは、傷つけるために嘘ついてる、私は本当に惨めで気持ち悪い病気な子で、アスペルガーもあります。でも私アスペルガーの症状一つもなくて、ただ母が私のイメージを悪くしたくて言ってます。でも、本当に面白いと思ったのは、父のメールによると、母は本当は子供の時から本当に酷い虐待されて、私と同じくパニックとうつで長年苦しんでいたそうです。でもそんなことはイメージと合わないので、自分の娘が同じことで苦しんでても同情する気持ちが少しでもありません。

腕に自傷行為した時の傷跡まだ残ってます。日記に父と母に言葉の暴力の定義となってる言葉を言われたことも記録しました。病院行った時のリストバンドもまだ持ってます。携帯にもまだ自殺ホットラインの番号が登録してあります。でもそれなのに、両親によると、私がただ両親のこと傷つけたくて、狂ってる嘘つきです。

もう一度言いますけど、私が死ぬ手前でした。それでその返事なの？（そういう風に父に行ったらいきなり「悲しくて苦しくて」って言い始めたけど、もう遅い、本当の気持ちわかったから）

これを全部考えてみれば、自由になれて嬉しいです。そしてこのタイミングもよくて、これから子供にちゃんと愛と尊敬をあげることができると思います。私になかった本当のお母さんの愛情と尊敬。私はそれほどいいお母さんになれる自信はないし、失敗する時も多いでしょうけど、虐待ということは絶対しません。

これが今までプライベートにしてた一番最近の日記です。

２０１１年１２月２３日
母の思ってる世界２００２－２００６の日記から収録（出て行く前に）母は私は性格悪い、世界でやっていけない最悪な甘えっ子と言った。ジャズ好きじゃないから、私は音楽の趣味悪い、耳悪い、才能もない。高校の羊人間みたいになんでもファションに従わないから私は気違い、友達いなくていい。私友達４人しかいない、そしてその４人はバカ、糞、才能ない、世界でやっていけない。安いもの買ったり、アルバイトしたりするのは貧乏臭い、素敵な兄みたいに大人になっても母からなんでも貰えばいい。名前呼ばれたら飛んで行くべき、そして兄の部屋の掃除もするべき、どうせ私は友達いないし、パソコンでバカな日本のアニメみたりやかましい日本の音楽聞いたりするだけの人生だから。違う言葉の音楽聞いたり番組見たりすることって、言葉の勉強のメリットにならない。高校での授業選びしっぱいした、大学の授業選びも下手。高校生時代の趣味は皆高校卒業後続けられない。母の言われた通りに全部やらないと、大学でやっていけない。自分で掃除も料理もできないので世界でやっていけない。私があまりにも失礼で最悪な人だからやすしは別れる。結婚しても１年以内に離婚するだろう。母はいつも正しい。怒りだして叫んだり暴れたりすることってちゃんと理由もあって、しかも何の問題でも解決できる。母のやり方って完璧、そしてなんでも知ってる、特に自分が経験したことないこと、例えば高校を卒業すること、大学行く事、そして日本の文化。
２０１１年：私が知ってて、そして学んだこと高校生時代は４人なんかよりずっと多く友達がいた、そして今成功してて、素晴らしい人たちばかりです。私はただされたように人を尊敬する。まだ演劇が大好きです。高校生で大好きだったものはずっと好きでいてもいい。音楽の趣味は幅広くて、歌う才能は少しある。歌を聴いて喜ばれてカラオケ代払ってもらったりドリンク買ってもらったりしたこともあります。人は私のスタイルが好き。私も自分の服が好き。大学卒業できた。両親に相談できなくても自分の専門で少し早く卒業する事もできた。日本の文化に深い興味を持って１００％入り込むことで成功できた。そして大学生時代も同じ趣味の友達いっぱい作れた。世界でやっていける。仕事して、家庭作って、料理して、自分で何でもできる。６年働いて２５歳で１００，０００ドルの貯金もできる。兄は私と違って、「性格がいい」で、最悪で甘えっ子ではない、は３０歳超えても自分で何もできない、ましな仕事もできない。やすしと私はもうすぐ結婚４周年。付き合って７年間。やすしは私を愛してる。でもそんな簡単な人生ではなかった。母が自分はいつも正しいと思い込んでて、それが試されると怒りだして叫んで暴れて自分以外皆のせいにして、その母に１６年間体にも心にも暴力受けるのは精神に残ってしまった。自信ない時が多くて、６－７年間鬱やパニックと戦ってる。でもやっと立ち直る事ができるかも。どうして私ばかりが悪かったのがわからない。母は高校中退したけど、私が大学いっても、正しいこと選んでないとばかり。。。性格が悪いというのは、虐待されてた反応だった。社交的の障害って、ただパソコンでこの日記を書いたり、友達とチャットしたり、そして世界を広げようと日本の音楽を聴いたり日本語を勉強したりして。。。他にできることって。。。。そうだ、ないんだ。この町歩いても湖とコンビニしかない、仕事したり、友達に会ったりするには車が必要。でも母がこの町は死んでるということに気づいて（でも町の名前だけ高級な感じするから好きらしい）、母がパソコン、iPad、電子書籍などでフェスブックやったりネット通販で買い物ばかりしたらそれがいいみたい。２０１２年２月１３日これ何度も繰り返してる。。。この９年間ハワイ、神戸、と東京に行きました。そして、私がバカだろうか、いつもこの家に戻ってくる。そして同じ話が繰り返してる。２秒ほど楽しいと思って、そして後この家に過ごす時間はどうしてここにいるんだろうと悩んでる。そして出る時はこうやっていつも日記に同じことを書いて、その書いた事は時間が経っても真実ということは変わらない。たとえば、母の買い物中毒や、成功したければ出るしかないような町に４－５人の家族でも住める家で二人で無駄に暮らしてること。絶対この町を出るべきだと思う。。母が仕事するの嫌で、毎日家の中でテレビみてパソコンいじったりしてれば、認知症が出るの早くなるチャンスがドンドン上がっていく。ちゃんと脳みそ使わないと腐るって。仕事できないーいや、したくないーなら、散歩したり、ボランティアしたりすればいいし。健康を保つ方法がいくらでもある。でもこういう風になったのは少し面白い。。。なぜなら１０年前私は１５歳で、出かける方法が全くない、友達の親に迎えに来てもらうしかなかったから、私はパソコンを使って友達とおしゃべりしたり、日本のビデオや音楽をダウンロードするしか時間を過ごす方法はなかった。そのせいで両親にいつもいじわるされて、「全然社交的な人じゃないね」とか「毎日パソコンばっかりしてるくせに」とか言われてたけど、本当はパソコンを通じて友達と連絡取り合ったりして、日本語を覚えたりもしてた。日本語を覚えればいつか遠く行けるから。。かな？どうでもいいや。母はいつも正しい、母はよく知ってる。。。。でしょう。虐待でも。自分の怒りとイライラがコントロールできず自分の事を守る事ができない小さな子供を殴ったりして、子供が大きくなったら毎日傷つける言葉を言ったり、子供の気持ちをバカにしたり。。。子供はそんなことを絶対忘れない。私はいつも無視したり、気にしないよと格好付けてみたりしたけど。。。１９歳になったらうつとパニックになりはじめた。人に褒められると、その人は何を求めてるか、私をいじわるでもしてるかなと心の中で疑ったり。両親はいつもそうしてたから。わたしとやすしは７年間つきあってて、４年間結婚してるけど、両親に言われたように私が最悪だから本当に離婚するのかなと思ったことも何度もある。２０１２年２月１９日これだ。もう繰り返さない。自由になるんだ。どうして何が自分に取って一番いいのかを気がつくのがこんなに遅いんだろう。１６歳の時から家を出て遠く行って、休みに帰ったりしてた。そして毎回世の中に出たら、世の中は素晴らしくて機会の多いところで、家に閉じ込められてるより一人で自由になった方がずっと成功しているとわかった。そしてもっと長く、もっと遠くに行ったりした。そして私が変わった。でもここにあるのすべてが変わらない。出る機会があって、世界中から素晴らしい旦那、仲間、先生、同僚、などに出会えて感謝してます。皆から私が「くそ女」「みじめ」「性格悪い」「常識ない」などではないと教えてもらった。普通の人はどういう風に過ごすとか、どうやって自分と他人に尊敬を持つか、あと自分と自分の特徴や性格や趣味に自信を持つ事も教えてくれた。そして皆のおかげで私が本当は中も外もきれいな人だとわかって、女性をだまして自信をなくさせる事で何億円儲ける企業を支援するのもやめた。その家を出たら、私はいじわる、暴力、虐待をされたことがなかった。普通の人間のように預けられて、普通の家族の行為も見る事ができました。両親が怒りと恐怖と気持ちの失効で子供を育てるではなく、愛を通じて子供に何か教えるのを見る事ができた。大体の家族は子供を独特の人間のとその個人の趣味などを全部認めて、自分と違う趣味を持つ事をこらしめない。自分の趣味ばかり押し付けない。私はよく「世の中やっていけない」と言われたから、家を出て成功するなんて奇跡でしょう。そして私がちゃんと普通に働いたり生活したりする人間になったの驚いてる。母に教わったことなら、怠けて、買い物ばっかりして、楽しい事しかやらない人間になることが良い、個人の性格と趣味を持つのがおかしい。時々私が苦しんでてもいじめられても偽物の笑顔ばかりしてハッピーでいられるような娘になれなくて悪いと思ってる。自分の意思をなくしてどんな趣味押し付けられても興味を持つ娘じゃなくてごめん。自分の意思や趣味を持ってわがままだったね。それでも私大丈夫だったかも。ラッキーだな。その「バカバカしい」「子供っぽい」日本のアニメをみたり、「うるさい」「アメリカからパクってる」日本の音楽を聞いたりして、外国語まで覚えやすくなった！そして私が「音楽の才能がない」でもテレビで歌ったり、カラオケコンテストの決戦までいったり、色んなパーティーなどで演奏したり、仕事の一部として歌ったり、そして歌う事で本当に楽しんでた。そして高校生時代からの「二度と会わないだろう」「ばか」の友達にもまだ会ってるし、皆凄くいい仲間です。そして本当の奇跡は、私の素晴らしい旦那さんです。私の事全部わかっていて、そして７年間付き合ってて４年結婚してても、「性格悪い」泣く事をいじわるしたり、パニックになったときに「狂った人の病院に行こう」と言った事もない。私が命を消そうとしたら救ってくれた。そしてこの新しい命も作ってくれた。愛してる。そして辛い思いさせて本当に悪かった。でも私のせいじゃないとわかっててよかった。http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ 

http://www.lightshouse.org/immature-or-aggressive-parents.html 

http://www.focusas.com/Abuse-Emotional.html 

http://eqi.org/eam1.htm 

http://www.teenhelp.com/teen-abuse/emotional-abuse.html 

http://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/article.asp?AID=648565 

http://www.ehow.com/info_8065936_signs-being-verbally-abused-parents.html 皆さん、まわりを見てごらん。外から見て普通に健康の人間に見える人たくさんいるけど、性格の障害、心の病気を持ってるかもしれない。そして傷やアザはないけど、虐待や暴力受けてる子供も沢山いる。その子供たちはその虐待を乗り越えることはないかもしれない。そして自分も大きくなって自分の子供が産まれて来たら、どうなる？また繰り返す。でも私のお腹にいる赤ちゃんにもっといい事をあげたい。どんな子供でも平和で、楽観的で、充実して考え方が広い人のいる環境にいるべき。そして子供は愛と尊敬を持って人間として預けるべき、そして個人の趣味などを持つ自由を与えるべき。安全のためにちゃんとした原則が必要。そして両親は現実的な予想と、自信を持つべき。子供は言う事聞くまで恐怖な気分にさせる必要ない。そしてしつけは合理的で状況に合ったものであるべき。自分の怒りとイライラが泊まらなくてただ殴ってるだけなのではない。ひと目の前で顔殴られて（人間として嫌いという一番のジェスチャー）恥ずかしい気分にする必要は絶対ない。だからこれを書いてます。繰り返しを破って、立ち直るためです。私の増える家族のためにこの位はできる。子供を愛する人間ならこの位はできる。どんな親でも理解できるはず、自分と自分のイメージが第一じゃない。変えることには遅いことはない。

私は大丈夫。大丈夫より良い。私は毒の両親から自由になった。そしてこのチャプターはもう終わりです。

My parents' response to my blog.

My mother and father are choosing to deny and ignore my “claims” of being physically and emotionally abused growing up. I received emails from my father in which he tells me my blog is "bullshit" and lies, and if I was really experiencing so many problems why didn't I talk to them? There is not a word of genuine concern about my illness, or suicide attempt. Just blaming me, as usual. I wonder why I didn't want to open up to them! (Also he is choosing to forget when I had a full-blown panic attack in front of them and my mother mocked me and they went on eating dinner like nothing had happened!)

When I was in elementary school, my mother would slap me in the face, pull my hair to force me onto the floor or into a corner, use shoes or hairbrushes to hit me in the head and body, all the while yelling and screaming at me in an absolute rage, terrifying me to the point where I would be scared to even look at her, let alone talk to her. I became shy, passive and withdrawn, which annoyed her and she would constantly tell me to "speak up" and say I was "not normal". I would get slapped in the face if I had an "attitude", and constantly told I was a "nerd" and had no talent, my friends were fat, ugly morons, and my hobbies were childish and stupid. It was like I was being bullied in my own house. So if I was bullied at school, I pretty much felt like it was my own fault, and I had no one to turn to except my friends who understood me.

I was also conditioned to jump at every command, something I still do at 25. That's something you would see between a drill sargent and a soldier, not a mother and child. 

However, they did support me a lot--financially. They always bought me stuff, paid for college, etc. In fact, my mother always found it insulting when I would go to the thrift store, or work minimum wage to earn my own money! I always wonder if I would have been liked more by my mother if I had been like my brother, who has the "winning personality" (but is in his 30s and still single) and just let her buy me mountains of "fashionable" clothing, cars I could wreck by driving carelessly, and clean my room and pay all of my bills into my 20's. 

This is the first time I've written about the physical abuse, and about my illness, but the emotional abuse is something I've been writing about for 10 years now. These are some of the entries from over the years in my Livejournal, cut and edited for length...there are many more entries like these. 

7/3/2001

My dad comes into my room this morning and sees my wallpaper and says "Looking at those cartoons already?" and I go "It's not 'cartoons', it's AN-I-ME." and he decides to be a total asshole and look in the dictionary and define cartoon "a humorous situation depicted by fictional characters" and I go "Most anime is either action or drama, so it's not 'cartoons'." and he gets pissed off and tells me to stop talking to him like he's an idiot, even though he knows nothing about anime and he's trying to tell ME about it. And then he goes off on this little "Real musicians like all music even if they don't like the style itself and blah blah blah" and then my mom tells him to stop arguing with me because I'm a moron and my friends are morons and we all like silly little cartoons and I have no talent and I don't love music.

8/12/2001

Last night I went to dinner with my parents. Then some american rock-blues-country ripoff band goes up and starts playing with heavy drums and bass...RIGHT after I finish eating an appetizer, a salad, two drinks and the main course (needless to say, I'm very full) and as I always do, I get nauseous for some reason. And then a headache. So, needless to say, I'm not a happy person. And so my dad tells me I'm being an asshole, and as soon as we get home, he smashes X/1999 and tells me to go to bed without turning the computer on. And that was after a nice long talk in the car about how a real musician would be listening to the music. And they tell me I'll never be a musician or an actor, and I tell them I wanted to be a teacher, and so they come back with "Those who can't do, teach." And then yell at me that a music teacher can't teach her kids about Japanese music because no one listens to it. And I told them that I don't want to be a music teacher, I want to be a chorus director. (Because most of my major inspirations/favorite teachers have been in CHORUS.) And they said "Good, because you don't need any talent to be a chorus director."
I cried myself to sleep last night trying to console myself with music from my mp3 player.Do they care?? NO! Do they realize they called their daughter talentless? No!Can't they just realize I'm happy with who I am and what I do and leave it at that?No, they have to nitpick and point out how when THEY were my age, they were better than me....Just because I'm not the best...(I never said I was the best, I just like what I do. I'm happy. I'll love every minute of Stage Crew.)

10/05/2001

Last night, my parents suddenly spring on me that I'm going to see the Smothers Brothers. I tell them that I have a project to do and a play to memorize, so I can't go. They tell me that since I don't want to go to a *real* show, I can't go anywhere this weekend.
And then they start saying how I'm not talented, and not a real thespian, and I started crying. I couldn't stop myself this time. I asked them how they could say such a thing about their daughter, and they said basically that it's true. (And then they told me to cry all I wanted because they didn't CARE!?!?) I told them that I would have gotten the project done sooner, but my computer was freezing, and I said I'm sorry, and my mom goes "That's cuz you got all that japanese crap on there" and I told her the truth that I had been DLing showtunes for the past 2 weeks and she just says "Oh you do that to be cool with your friends cuz a REAL thespian wants to see every show out there and I know because I was one and I bet Damien Bucci would like to see the Smothers Brothers" and all that and I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't like her...and then she tells me to start deleting stuff because I'm the big "Computer Expert" and I tell her I did, and she told me to delete my mp3's then! The mp3's that I've been DLing for over a year now? I told her I couldn't. And then she gets really pissed at me and goes "You can't?" and I told her I loved music so much that I lived by it, and she goes off into this whole "You're sick and obsessive" thing, just because I love music, and they refuse to believe that I have a interest in many types. They say I only like music because my friends do.And they don't realize that they have hurt me. As in emotional abuse. It's not normal for a person to go to school and have to fight her tears, and lose. I started crying in A period. I hate crying in school. It makes everyone look at me as a victim, someone to feel sorry for. I really hate that. I want to be the independent, strong. But no, when I cry like that, I just seem like some pathetic little girl who has to be comforted.

6/15/2002

 I go down to get a donut, and I don't know which ones are jelly filled, so I pick two up and look for the lil hole where the jelly comes out, and then find that the glazed one has the jelly in it. My dad makes a remark about how rude I am (even though I just picked them up, I didn't lick my fingers or anything,) and I just look at him with a look that says "that was uncalled for, I want some food." and my mom out of NOWHERE slaps me across the face and tells me to get that stupid look off my face. And I shrug like "What stupid look?" and she starts yelling at me and bitching at me and my dad joins in too saying how stupid I look and how I really have no personality whatsoever, and then I just eat my donut....And then my mom starts bitching about how I must not have any social skills because I have pimples. I just got out of the fucking shower, of course my skin isn't caked with makeup yet! But no, she doesn't notice that even though my hair is wet. And then she starts badmouthing my friends and I had to keep myself from saying that she doesn't have any fucking rights to badmouth how her daughter and her daughter's friends look because looks are not that fucking important, I kept my mouth shut as always, because I'm passive.

7/04/2002

So I'm standing in the kitchen today, and my mom says "Maybe we should give Sam the Florida car (the red tin can) and get another car for there." and I immediately go "No, that car is small and unsafe for a 16 year old to drive." You know, the voice of reason. And my parents start getting all bitchy and going "Most teenagers would be happy to get any car" and I try to say that I wouldn't feel safe at all in that car, and it would be very illogical to get a 16 year old a tiny red convertible made out of very thin metal in the first place, but they get into the whole "Oh, she has no personality at all" thing which pisses me off. And I can't go to the Playhouse today, because they don't want to drive me, which means I don't know when I'm going to see Music Man, or Kyle in the Little Mermaid, which pisses me off even further. I'm not going to cry. I'm...not. 

There go my parents on another "She has no personality and a bad attitude" rant. They're going to Atlantic City today, for all day. They couldn't take the half-hour to just drop me off at New Hope for the day and then pick me up at 11 or so. Just so you know, I could have something to do besides sit at the computer all day. They casually told me to take care of the dog, not mentioning where they're going or anything, and so I go "Wait..where are you going" You know, because it's nice to know where your parents went in case someone calls for them or something and I have to be the idiot that says "Well...I don't know where they went, they just went out..." So anyways, they tell me and THEN ask me if I want to go, and I politely say "No thanks.." and then my mom makes some snide comment about me staying on the computer all day, which is good because I don't have a personality anyway or something, and I go "Well, I wanted to go to New Hope today." and she starts saying how I'm so spoiled that I try to order them around and stuff...god...it gets on my nerves so much. God...I just started crying.....

5/05/2003

And of course, I have to drop EVERYTHING and come at that very second. Because if I don't, they start yelling and bitching that I'm in "my own little world" up here and maybe even saying that I won't survive in real life or something stupid like that. I really resent that..I really don't appreciate having to drop everything I'm doing when my mom calls my name. I've even left boiling water in my room because of her!

6/08/2003

My dad's being annoying as usual, and singing some stupid song from Music Man and changing the lyrics and I tell him to stop. He comes into my room, and starts freaking out and yelling at me that he's going to beat me and smack me (in less polite words) and crap like that if I ever say "Stop it" again and tells me I act like "a retarded 8-year-old". I don't know, I guess it's true...I do say it a lot, when he does stuff to annoy me. So yea, he threatens me with violence, then goes to tell my mother, as if he's proud of it or something. Yea, you threatened your daughter, good for you, want a cookie? So then she starts going off on me too, saying how immature I am, and how I have emotional problems, psychological problems, and all the while I'm trying to hold back tears, and then she goes into "well your friends may think you're nice, but the rest of the world thinks you're a jerk" which isn't true. It's only my parents. And then she's like "Well, you know you're never going to see your friends again after high school" and I lost it, tears started rolling down my face and my face crumpled. And then she starts to mock me. For crying. She starts making fun of me like "Oh, look, she's *crying* because she'll never see her friends again." And she kept referring to 4 people as my friends, and the rest of the world thinks I'm a jerk. A lot more than 4 people like me. And she's really insensitive for making fun of my crying. It's bad enough I'm GRADUATING in 2 WEEKS, and that's when I leave most people, and you make fun of me for crying when you mention it?

8/20/2004

Thinking back over the summer.....Coming back, having a big fight with my parents over how "dangerous" it is to have an online journal, having overpriced beauty products thrown at me by my mom to try and make me "perfect" or something, constantly being talked about in front of and behind my back by my parents, about how I have a horrible attitude....I'm so happy to leave.

7/25/2005

So I'm in the car, I decide to call Yasushi cuz it's about midnight where he is and I didn't get to talk to him online before I left. So my mom forgot her Ricola cough drops. She starts having a tantrum about it, in a small car, yelling nonsense about bags and cough drops...and I'm sitting there trying to talk on a phone. I manage to get out "Sorry, call you back" before I hang up because I seriously could not hear anything at all besides her shouting. So I tell my mom that she was being really loud and I was trying to call someone. She responds that I shouldn't be using a cellphone in a car. WTF? Am I driving? No. Is it midnight in Japan and my boyfriend has to get up at 7 am? Yes. And now he's waiting for me to call him back.So my mom goes on to tell me how I'M rude, inconsiderate to those around me, and of course, the much revisited "You have no personality and a horrible attitude and everyone you know will see through you and desert you because that's who you are inside" talk.Which I thought I'd be able to block it out, but it really hurt, especially the idea that Yasushi will hate me someday because of who I am.Which I know is stupid, because um, it's not true, but still. I started crying the minute I got out of the car and called Yasushi. 
Parents give much love in materials. They're quick to buy me something or give me a $20, but until now I feel like my friends and Yasushi are the ones that were with me in hard times, while my parents just yell at me or make halfhearted attempts, or ignore me.When I'm 3,000 miles or so away, I'm wonderful, smart, loved, beautiful, and exceptional and bragged about to anyone who comes within earshot.When I'm here, I'm an embarrassment, selfish, stupid, bratty, and have a horrible personality. I wonder why I prefer being 3,000 miles away. Luckily I won't have to come back.  

8/15/2005

it just really fucking hurts a lot when my own parents say I'm a horrible person and that whatever I show to others, whether it be all my friends who have been with me through thick and thin, my boyfriend who has also been there for me despite being so far away, and even my coworkers is just some fake facade that will fade away, and then everyone will hate me and leave me. You know, like my parents do. Hate me. That's what's being implied. It really hurts to think that after all this time, Yasushi would be that shallow to leave me because I do something so horrible like shut the door when I think the TV/bass practice is too loud, ask my mom to be quiet when she's yelling at the top of her lungs about something trivial while we're all in a small car and I'm trying to talk on the phone to someone I haven't seen for 6 months and only get to talk to for maybe an hour a day if I'm lucky and if he deprives himself of sleep to do so. It hurts to think of someone so sweet, loving, caring, and just totally in tune with me (or that facade that my mom is talking about because she's older than me and wise so she MUST know EVERYTHING about me, including my private thoughts and phone conversations in Japanese!) would up and leave me after all this time because of something they percieve as me being rude. 

8/16/2005

So this morning Yasushi got to see how it is. I'm talking to Yasushi, minding my own business, and my dad asks me about work. I tell him I don't have it today, and go back into my room. My mom tells me to shut the door if I think she's so loud all the time. So of course I do, but does my mom just nod and let it go? No. She starts ranting and raving right outside my door, like it's this horrible rude thing of me to say she's loud because of more than a few times I've been in my room, talking to Yasushi on the phone or on the computer, with the door closed, and even Yasushi made a comment about how much he could hear my mom's voice/the TV/music, etc. So I just explain that she's talking about me again, and of course she never lets up.When I'm half a world away they'll miss having me around to show off. Of course that's when I'm not being a horrible embarrassing brat that everyone thinks is a jerk with no personality. That's the kind of loving praise they only save for me. 

I like going to work and school. When I'm there, at least I get praised. Today I washed dishes. The dishwasher was out, and so the cutter was doing dishes, and the manager was doing cutting. The manager has a lot of work to do, especially on Sundays, with the inventory, money, etc. And there were 2 other servers besides me,   I didn't really want to deal with customers having been verbally abused yet again, so I asked the manager if I could go down and do dishes. So I did, she got her work done, things balanced out.Of course when I tell my mom I washed dishes she makes some comment like "why did you do that? That's a job that Mexicans who don't speak English do!" Right. I'm a prissy little white girl from Yardley and I would just die if I had to do work! 

9/02/2005

So I got the "you're a spoiled selfish brat and people will see your real personality and leave you because of it" talk AGAIN today. Because I didn't jump out of my seat and run down when I was told there was food in the kitchen for me to eat, because I happened to be talking to someone from Louisiana that's in Japan right now, so serious talk + it's really late in Japan when it's morning/early afternoon here. I said "OK" and then my mom yells again "There's breakfast down here!" and I go "OK!" and she bitches about me about my attitude. And then she was bitching to my dad about how I spent 2 hours talking to Yasushi on MSN. 

6/17/2006

First off, I would like to thank my parents. Because while I was on the headset talking to Yasushi they were yelling that I was an asshole and that Yasushi would divorce me within a year. Yasushi heard it, and after I gave a direct translation it prompted a very long talk and now we have become even closer and I can count on that he will be by my side. So thank you Mom and Dad for bringing Yasushi even closer to me. And ensuring that I will not be coming home again anytime soon. I say that every summer. I mean it this time. 

But this is only my personal account of the events. My father complains that this is "one-sided",  and he defends my mother's temper tantrums and rages as "expressing her emotions and opinions like normal people do." and "not everyone can be like Japanese, talking with their hand over their mouth"?? I've lived with and interacted with people from all over the world, and most adults I've met can handle stressful situations calmly and with respect for other people, not flipping out and screaming at everyone and thin air.
But again, this is only what happened inside the house. Outside, and on Facebook, my mother always praises her wonderful, beautiful, smart daughter, living such a perfect life in Hawaii or Japan, of course when she isn't posting pictures of her own wonderful life, dropping hundreds of dollars on doing her hair and nails and eating out weekly, and going to her condo in the Caribbean. Do you think she would tell her friends that her daughter suffers from depression and anxiety, tried to kill herself, and currently lives in a 1 bedroom apartment she wouldn't use as a closet, and that our household income is technically below the poverty line for a family of 3 in Hawaii?
Even when Yasushi and I stayed at the house until February of this year, she would loudly declare within earshot that we "lived like pigs", storming angrily around the house, scrubbing the shower furiously with bleach every time one of us used it, or washing all of the dishes and wiping down the counters banging and huffing and puffing while I was still eating lunch. When they were in the Caribbean, we spent hours cleaning her kitchen cabinets and throwing out food that was months and years past the expiration dates, and I got yelled and screamed at venomously over the phone about how she can clean her own kitchen and how self-righteous I was! But after we went to Hawaii there were sappy posts on Facebook about how wonderfully I had cleaned the cabinets, and how much she missed me!

Apparently my blog has made her horribly depressed and she "cries every day". Oh, really? Am I supposed to feel sorry? What happened when I cried, and even had a panic attack, right in front of her? "You have psychological problems" "Oh poor baby" "Cry all you want, I don't care." Oh, and trying to make me feel guilty when I have written about being hours away from dying of suicide, and you don't even say a word of concern for me!

It's not like I'm writing this blog for her anyway. I'm writing it for myself, so I can be a stronger person for my daughter. Maybe my mother should have tried to bring me up better emotionally, rather than focusing on how much money she could spend on me.


My mother also sent me an email. It was simply titled "aspergers and you" with a wikipedia article. That actually gave me a laugh because I've worked with children with Asperger's, and so have other friends and coworkers of mine. No child or adult with undiagnosed and untreated Asperger's would willingly move halfway around the world and change jobs every few years, and its very unlikely that they would be able to have several lasting friendships, and be married for years as well. Then I guess she was pissed that I didn't respond to the email, so sent me a cold, unemotional email about how she would never contact me again, and"how sad it is that you won't have a mother anymore". 


I guess would be easier for my mother if I just had Asperger's, because then all of her insults about me being a "mental patient" and having "no social skills" would then be justified. But actually, I have atypical depression and a mild anxiety disorder. 


Depression and anxiety is not just something people "make up" to "get attention". It is real, and painful. I was hours away from dying, and close to getting divorced because of it. Likewise, verbal abuse is also very real, and the effects last a lifetime, as proved by countless studies. Also, when I asked for advice on several child abuse and medical forums, I was directed to pages about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

I wish I was making this up. I wish I could have had a normal relationship with my parents, like all the other families I had the fortune of knowing and interacting with throughout my years in Hawaii and Japan. Parents weren't violent or abusive when disciplining, rather they treated the child with respect and encouraged them to talk and work out their feelings. And the children had so much confidence and were so comfortable with themselves, and not fearful of their parents, but respected rules and boundaries when they were explained clearly as you would do with any fellow human being. 


Maybe if my parents could acknowledge what they have done, and take steps like therapy to try and mend some of the broken pieces, we could still have a family. But if they insist on saying that they did everything perfectly, and I'm simply a liar and mental patient, then I simply cannot have them in my life, especially with my daughter in the picture.
As my mother said to my husband "I am done with you, Bye bye!"

母と父は私が肉体的と精神的に虐待されたという発言を不実と言ってます。父からブログに書いたことは全部嘘と訴えて、そんな問題が本当にあれば相談するはずというメールをもらいました。でもメールの中で自分の娘は精神の病気になって、自殺もしようとしてたことで心配の言葉が一つもない。ただ全部を私のせいにしようとしています。それで私がどうして相談する気はなかったんでしょう。（しかも、目の前でパニックになって、母に意地悪されてそれから二人に無視されたの忘れてるみたいです）

私が小学生の時、お母さんはちょっとしたことで怒りが止まらず、大きい声で私に向かって叫びながら顔を殴ったり、髪の毛をつかんで床か角の所まで引っ張ったり、靴やブラシで頭や体を殴ったりしてました。恐怖でお母さんの顔も見ることができなくなって、しゃべることももちろん、できませんでした。シャイになったら母がイラついて「ちゃんとしゃべろ」「おかしい」と言いました。「態度が悪い」と顔たたかれる、そしていつも「オタク」とか言われて、才能がない、友達までデブ、バカ、ブス、そして自分の趣味も子供っぽくてバカみたいと言われました。家の中でいじめされてたんです。それで学校でいじめされたら、自分のせいだと思い込んでしまい、数人の友達しかわかってくれる人はいないと感じました。

そして今２５歳になっても必ず母によばれたらビクッと反応して答えます。それは親子関係ではなく、まるで新兵訓練係と兵隊みたいな関係でした。

でも経済的には必ずサポートはしました。いつも欲しいものなど買ってくれたり、大学の授業料払ったりしてくれました。そして私が古着で安いものをかったり、低い時給のアルバイトしてお金を自分で貯めようとしたりしたら母がまたムカついたみたいです。私がもし「性格がいい」（と言われるけど３０歳過ぎても独身）兄のマネして「おしゃれ」な服をいっぱい買わせたり、車何台も買ってもらって、壊したり、そして２０代になっても自分でちゃんと仕事ができず、部屋の掃除してもらったら、私も母ともっと中がよかったのでしょうかね。

肉体的な虐待と、私の病気をブログで書いたのが初めてです。でも言葉の暴力されたことは１０年位ブログに書いてました。ここに日記何個かアップします。長いので少しカットした部分もあります。

２００１年７月３日

今朝父が今朝部屋に入ってパソコンの壁紙みて「もうそのcartoonみてるの？」って。そして私は「cartoonじゃなくて、アニメだよ」っていったら、その嫌なやつがわざわざ辞書を引いて、「cartoonとは、フィクションのキャラクターが描くユーモアのある話。。。」そして私は「アニメの多くはアクションやドラマに入るので、cartoonと違う」と言ったら、バカにしないでと怒られて（アニメのこと本当わかってないのに。。。）それから「本当に音楽が好きならジャンル関係なく全部好きなはず」とか言って、そして母はもう話するのやめて、彼女はバカで、彼女の友達もバカで、皆変なアニメをみたりして、本当の才能は何もないって言った。

 　　２００１年８月１２日

夕べ両親と晩ご飯食べに行った。そしてアメリカンなロックかカントリーかブルーズみたいなバンドが演奏し初めた。私は前菜、サラダ、ディナー食べて飲み物も二杯飲んだからドラムとベーズの音で気持ち悪くなってきて、頭も痛くなった。だから、あまり嬉しい気分ではなかった。そしてお父さんに「くそ女」とか言われて、家に帰ったらX/1999のビデオテープをぶっ壊してパソコン付けずにすぐ寝ろって。しかも帰りの車でずっと愚痴を言ってからだった。本当のミュージシャンなら音楽喜んで聞くはず、って。私は一生ミュージシャンか俳優になるはずがない、って。そして私は先生になりたいと言ったら、「才能がない人間は先生になるんだ」って。そして音楽の先生なら生徒に日本の音楽なんか聞かせたらだめだ、って。それで私は音楽の先生ではなく、コンクールの担当の先生になりたいって（なぜならいつもコンクールの担当が一番好きな先生だったから）そして両親が「才能なくてもできるからいいね」って。
寝る前に音楽聞きながらいっぱい泣いた。両親はそれ気にするのか？しないでしょう。娘に才能がないって言ったの本当に自分でわかってるかな？わかってないでしょう。私が今の自分で、今のやってることで幸せになれるってわかって放っといてくれるの？しないでしょう。いつも両親は自分が私と同じ年代だった時、私よりずっと凄かったとかと言ってる。私が自分が凄いなんて言ってないのに。。。（凄くなくても、今やってることが好き。ミュージカルのオーディション落ちても、スタッフになれるのが嬉しい）

 ２００１年１０月５日

夕べ、両親が急に「Smothers Brothers」という漫才を見に行くって。でも私は学校のプロジェクトがあって、演劇部の台詞も覚えなきゃいけないから行けないって断った。それでこんないい舞台を見に行かないなら、週末どこにも行かせないって言われた。
それに才能がないと、演劇が好きな人じゃない、と言われたら、私が泣き出した。どうして自分の娘にこんなこと言えるのと聞いたら、本当だからと答えた。（そして泣きたければ泣けばって、気にしないよって。。？？）
私はもっと早くプロジェクト終わらせたはずだけど、パソコンの調子が悪くて、ごめんと謝ったら、母が「そんな日本のゴミのやつがいっぱい入ってるからでしょう」って言って、私が実は最近ブロードウェーの音楽いっぱいダウンロードしてるって言った。そして母が「それはただ演劇部の人に格好付けてみせたいだけだからでしょう。本当に演劇が好きなら何の舞台でも見に行きたいはず、私はあなたの年代の時どんな舞台でも喜んで見に行ったよ。あなたの学校の演劇部の仲間なら絶対見に行くはずだよ」などなど、私がごめんね、母みたいになれなくて、と言った。。。そして母はパソコンの天才ならファイルを削除してパソコンを速くすればと言って、私はそうやったと答えて、そして母は音楽のファイルも削除しろと！一年以上かけてダウンロードした音楽のファイルなんか削除できない！そう言ったら母がムカついて「できないの？」って、私が音楽大好きで、生活に必要と返事したら、「オタクすぎて気持ち悪い」って。私はただ音楽が大好きで、色んなジャンルに興味を持ってるということはどうして両親に理解できないだろう。私はただ友達と合わせてるから音楽が好きだと両親が言ってる。
そして両親は私に傷ついたこと理解できてない。これは言葉の暴力。学校に行っても涙押さえられないのは普通じゃない。学校の１時間目に泣いちゃった。学校で泣くのが凄い嫌。可哀想で、弱い人みたいだから。私は独立で強くなりたいのに。でもそうやって泣いてたら周りに慰めてもらわないと行けない惨めな子みたい。

 ２００２年６月１５日

ドーナツを食べるためにキッチンに行った。ジャム入りはどっちかわからなかったので、二つ手に取ってジャムが入ってる穴を探して、グレーズの方はジャム入りだとわかった。父が「失礼だ」と何か愚痴を言ってきた（ただ手に取って見てただけだったのに、指を舐めてからとかじゃなかったでしょう）そして私は「どうしてそんなこと言うの、ただ食べたいだけだよ」という表情でみたら、母が顔をたたいて、そんなバカな顔するなって怒った。それで「バカな顔？」と表情したら母が怒って叫んだり愚痴言ったりし初めて、父も一緒にバカな顔してるとか、性格悪いとか、言ってた。それで私はドーナッツを食べた。。。。そしてお母さんが私はニキビがあるから人と付き合うの下手と言った。私さっきシャワー浴びたばかりでノーメイクだよ。でも髪の毛も濡れたままなのにそれがわかんないでしょう。しかもそれから母が私の友達の悪口まで言い続けた。母は娘と娘の友達を意地悪する権利がない、見た目だけが大事な訳じゃない、と言いたかったけど口を閉じて我慢した。いつものように我慢した、私が消極的な性格だから。

 ２００２年７月４日

私がキッチンにいたら、母が父に「サムにフロリダの車（赤いアルミ缶みたいなやつ）あげて、フロリダ用の車もう一台でも買おうかな。」と言った。そして私はすぐに「いや、１６歳にそういう車を運転させるのは危ないんじゃない」といったら両親はムカついて「普通の子なら両親から車なんて貰えるの喜ぶでしょう。」それで私はその車が安全じゃないと、１６歳に小さい薄いボディーのオープンカーを運転させるのは合理的な考えじゃないと言ってみたら、またまたその「性格悪い」ネタになって、イラついた。。。
そして今日演劇所に行きたかったけど、両親は送りたくないと言うから行けない。ミュージック・マンやカイルの舞台見に行けないかもしれない、ムカつく。。。泣かないよ。。。
またまた両親がその「性格悪い、態度悪い」という話してる。今日はアトランチック・シティーに行くみたいだけど、その前にちょっとだけ演劇所に送って１１時に迎えにきてくれることができたはず。そしたら一日中パソコンばっかりしなくて済む。。。両親が簡単に犬の世話してねと言って出かけようとしてたら、私が「どこ行くの？」と聞いた。もし電話とかが来たらちゃんと両親がどこにいるかを伝えなきゃ変だから。バカみたいに「出かけたけど、どこ行ったかわからない。。。」と言うの嫌だ。それで、両親が教えてから、一緒に行こうと誘った。結構ですと断ったら母が「パソコンばっかりやるでしょう」とこそこそいじわる言った。で私が「今日演劇所に行きたかったけど、」と言ったら母がどうしてそんな子供の言うこと何か聞かなきゃいけないのと怒った。すっごいムカつく。。。あっ、泣いちゃった。。。

 ２００３年５月５日

そして当然、その瞬間にすぐに行かなきゃいけないでしょう。もし行かなかったら両親は「自分の世界に入ってる」や、社会でやっていけないんだろうとか何かバカみたいな文句ばかり言い初める。。。嫌だよ。母が名前を呼ぶとやってること全部放置して行かなきゃいけないの嫌！そのせいで沸いてるお湯も放置したこともある！

 ２００３年６月８日

父がが私をイライラさせるようにミュージック・マンのバカっぽい替え歌つくって歌ってたら私が「やめて」って言ったら父が部屋に来て怒りだしてもう一度やめて何か言ったら叩いたり殴ったりするよと叫んだ。そして私が「脳の障害がある８歳の子供みたい」と言ってた。それって、本当かな。。私はよく父がイラつくことやると「やめて」と言うけど。とにかく父が暴力すると脅かせてから母の所に言って誇りを持ってるように今の話をした。娘を脅かして嬉しいのか。ご褒美にクッキーでもほしいのか。そして今度は母に言われる番。私が幼稚で、心と頭に問題がある。私はこれ言われながら涙を我慢してる。そして母が「友達はあなたのこと好きだろうけど、それ以外皆あなたくそ女と思ってるよ」と。そんな訳ない。。。両親だけでしょう。そして母が「高校卒業したらもう友達に会うことはないよ」と言ったら我慢できず泣いちゃった。そして泣いたから母はもっと意地悪をした。「もう友達に会えないからお可哀想に泣いちゃってるね」そして何回か私の友達は４人と言ってて、ほかに世界中の人は私を嫌だと思ってる。４人より私はたくさんの友達いるけど。。。そして私が泣いてるの意地悪するの酷すぎる。あと２週間でもう卒業しちゃうんだもん。卒業すると毎日皆と一緒に過ごせなくなる。それを思い出させて私が泣いたら意地悪を言うの？

 ２００４年８月２０日

今年の夏休みはね。。。実家に帰って、オンライン日記を持ってることが危ないと両親に言われて喧嘩して、私を「完璧」にしようとしてるみたいに母に高い化粧品など無理矢理押し付けられて、毎日私の前でも、陰でもずっと意地悪を言われてて、態度が悪いとか。。。もうすぐ家を出ることができて嬉しい。。。

 2005年７月２５日

車に乗ってた時、やすしに電話した。今朝出る前に話す時間なくて、もう日本では０時だった。母はのど飴忘れたから大騒ぎしはじめた。小さい車のなかで意味なくバッグとのど飴なんとか叫んでた。。。私が電話中なのに。。。母の叫びしかまったく聞こえなかったので、なんとか「かけなおす」と言って電話を切った。そして母に電話中なのにうるさいよと言った。母は車の中で携帯なんか使うなって。マジで？運転してないし。今日本で０時だし、彼は朝早く起きなきゃいけないのに、かけなおすのを待ってくれてるし。。。母は私が失礼、他人のことまったく考えない、そしてもちろん、性格悪い、態度悪い、そして皆がいつかそれわかって私のことを絶対嫌うでしょう。いつもの意地悪だから無視しようとしたけど、いつかやすしが私を嫌うと思ったら苦しくなった。母の話が本当じゃないのわかってるけど、車を出た瞬間泣き出してやすしに電話した。
両親は物で愛をいっぱいくれる。お金くれたり物を買ってくれたりはすぐにやるけど、苦しい時は友達とやすしがそばにいてくれた。両親は怒ったり、少しだけなんかやってくれたり、それか無視するの。でも３，０００マイル離れたら、両親の周りの人誰にでも素晴らしい、愛しい、美しい、頭がいいと自慢される。隣にいる時は恥、わがまま、性格わるい。３，０００マイル離れてる方が幸せのはどうしてなんだろう。でももう私は帰ってこなくてもいい。

 ２００５年８月１５日

親のくせに娘に性格悪いと、今まで大事な友達と、いつも支えてくれてる愛しい彼氏と、同僚など皆に見せる性格は偽物、とか言ってたら傷つくよ。そして皆は私のこと嫌っていなくなる。両親みたいに。両親私のこと嫌いでしょう。やすしとこんな長くつきあってるのに、私が話してる時に両親がうるさいからと部屋のドアをしめたり、車の中で６ヶ月会えなくて一日一時間位しか話巣らできない人と電話して、小さいことで狂って叫んでるお母さんに静かにしてと言ったりするからやすしが別れるって考えたら辛い。こんな優しくて、愛情いっぱいで、私のことわかってる（それとも私のその偽物の性格か？？母は私のプライベートや日本語の会話までわかってるの？？）その人が私が「失礼」だから別れるなんて酷い。

 ２００５年８月１６日

今朝やすしが私の家庭はどんなのかわかったかも。やすしと話して、人の邪魔などしてなくて、父にバイトのこと聞かれた。今日はないよって言って、部屋に戻る。そして母が「私がそんなにうるさいと思ってんならドア閉めればいい」と言った。それで私はドアを閉めた。それで母が勝手にさせてくれる？と思ったら母がドアの前に来て大声で叫ぶ。前何回かドアが閉まってても母の声、テレビや音楽の音がうるさくてやすしまでうるさいと思われたここともあった。それを言う私が酷くて失礼なの？やすしに母の言ってることを説明した。世界の反対側に住んでたら自慢の娘会いたくなるんだろうね。私が酷くて、恥で、性格が悪い子だけど、そういう愛情いっぱいの言葉は私の前でしか言ってくれないもんね。
バイトと学校が好き。そこでやってる時褒められるから。今日はお皿洗いした。お皿洗いの人が休みだったので、カッターがお皿洗ってて、マネージャーがカッターの仕事してた。でもマネージャーって日曜日に在庫や計算の事務所の仕事もやらなきゃいけないし、私を含めてサーバーとレジの人が３人いた。言葉の暴力受けたのでお客さんとあまりしゃべる気がなかったので、マネージャーにお皿洗いの仕事したいと言った。そしたら私がお皿洗いして、マネージャーがちゃんと事務の仕事ができた。でも母にその話をしたら「どうしてそんなことするの？お皿洗いは英語しゃべれないメキシコ人がやる物だよ！」そうだ、私がヤードレーの白人の女の子で、仕事何かしたら死んでしまうわ！

 ２００５年９月２日

今日はまた「あなたはわがままで甘えっ子で人は本当の性格が分かったら一人になるよ」とか言われた。なぜならキッチンに食べ物があるよと言われた瞬間部屋から飛び出て行かなかったから。ルイジアナの人で今日本に住んでる知り合いと真剣な話をしてて、今時差で日本は夜遅いから途中で出て行くことが無理だった。食べ物あるよと言われて「はい」と返事した。そして母は「朝ご飯があるよ！」って「はいはい！」と言ったら態度悪いなと愚痴言われた。それから母が父に私が２時間もやすしと話してたとか文句言ってた。

 ２００６年６月１７日

両親に感謝してます。なぜなら今日やすしと話をしてた時、大きい声で私がくそ女と、やすしが必ず１年以内に離婚すると言ってた。やすしはそれが聞こえて、意味教えたら長い会話になってしまった。それで二人の関係が以前よりよくなって、やすしがずっとそばにいてくれると自信を持ってます。だから母と父にやすしとの関係をもっとよくして、ありがとう。そして私は次の夏休みここに帰ることは絶対ない。それは本当。
これがただ私の日記です。父に「偏ってる」と文句言われました。そして母が狂って騒いでるのが「普通の人間らしく、自分の感情や意見を伝えてる」と言ってます。「皆は日本人みたいに口押さえてしゃべったりしないよ」って。私は世界中からの人と会ったり暮らしたりしてたけど、大人なら大体ストレスな状態でも他人を思って落ち着いて対応できます。狂って叫んだりしません。

でも、こういうことは家の中だけのことでした。外と、インターネットでは母が必ず日本やハワイで夢のような生活してる素晴らしい、美しい、賢い娘を褒めます。それは自分の素晴らしいセレブみたいな生活のこと書いてない間ですね。毎週毎週何百ドルでも掛けて美容室でカラーやネイルしてもらったり、買い物したり、外食したり、カリブの別荘でのんびりしたりしてます。そうやってインターネットで皆に娘が本当は精神の病気で、鬱とパニックが酷く自殺もしようとしてて、今はハワイで母がクロセットにすら使わないほどのアパートに住んでて、もうすぐ３人で貧しい生活を送ってると言える？

今年の２月までやすしと私が家に泊まってた時、母は「二人は何でも汚くする」と聞こえるように叫んだり、家の中バンバン、ぶつぶつとむかついたように回ったり、私かやすしがちょっとシャワー浴びても出たらすぐにブリーチで必死に掃除したり、ランチ食べてる時にキッチンに入ってまだ片付けてないところを必死に掃除したりしていやがらせをしてました。そして両親がカリブに行った時、やすしとキッチンの大掃除をして、賞味期限が何ヶ月何年過ぎてるもの大量に捨てたら、母が電話で激怒して叫んでまそた。でもハワイに行ってから、フェースブックでキッチンの大掃除してくれて素晴らしい、会いたいとか書いてました！

父の話によると、このブログを読んでお母さんが毎日泣いてて鬱になってます。それで私が母可哀想とか言うと思います？私が両親の前で泣いたり、パニックにまでなったりしたらどうなりましたっけ？「精神障害者だ」「おかわいそうに」「なけばいい、気にしないよ」。しかも、私が後何時間で自殺成功という時もあって、それに対して心配の言葉など一つもないのに、私に悪いと思わせようとしてるんですか。

このブログは別に母のために書いてる訳じゃありませんし。これは産まれてくる娘の為に自分で強くなるために書いてます。母もお金ばかりより、精神的によく育てようと努力すればよかったではないかと思います。

母からもメール来ました。「あなたとアスペルがー」がタイトルで、内容はウィキペディアのリンクだけです。笑ってしまいました。私も、友達も仕事でアスペルガーの子供を教えたことがあります。そして検査もしてない、治療もしてない、アスペルガーを持ってる子供か大人なら絶対に自分の意思で何年に一回世界の反対側まで引っ越したり仕事変えたりしないでしょう。そして友達もいっぱい作って結婚もできる確率が少ないです。そして、私がメールに返事しないからムカついたのか、冷たくて、感情の入ってないメールもしました。もう連絡はしない、お母さんがいなくなるというのは悲しいことですね、というメールでした。

私がもしアスペルガーを持ってたなら、母は楽だったのでしょう。そしたら「精神障害者」「社会にやっていけないだろう」とか言ってたことは正しかったんでしょう。でも私の持ってる病気は、パニック性不安うつ病 だと思います。

うつ病や、パニック障害は人が気を使ってもらえるようにわざとするような物じゃありません。本当に苦しくて、辛い病気です。私は死から数時間になってて、離婚もされそうになりました。それと、言葉の虐待も本当なんです。その影響も一生残ります。　

そしてアドバイスを求めて医学系の掲示板に相談してみたら、母は自己愛性パーソナリティ障害ではないかと言われました。

これは作り話だったら嬉しいです。ハワイと日本で見たいくつもの家族のように、普通の関係があればいいのにと思ってます。両親は子供に暴力しないし、子供に自信を持たせて、自分から意見を言ったり、人を尊敬したりするように教えてました。子供も両親を怖がることがあまりなくて、同じ人間みたいにルールなどを説明したら、分かってくれました。

私の両親がもし自分のやったことを認めて、カウンセリングなどで直そうとすれば、いつかまた家族でいられるかもしれません。でも自分は悪くないと、私はただの嘘つきと精神障害者などと言い続ければ、もう私は家族の関係はできません。

母が旦那に言ったように、「もう二人との関係終わりだよ。バイバイ！」